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have you tried just meditating your limbic system into feeling good
also gotta make sure feeling good is congruent with your identity / opinion of yourself, like you consent and want to feel good first. I forget what the test for this was... not just a wish but you're actually ok with it actually happening, and it doesn't make you uncomfortable
neurotransmitters are very important to intelligence. they make the neurons fire. actually teens given SSRIs have steadily increasing IQs which was interesting. similarly people take dopamine increasing substances as nootropics, and you can take "relaxants" (neurotransmitter one) as well for improving Alzheimer's and memory
but you can also go too far and have the opposite effect
for example neuron growth stuff will both grow more neurons but also kill existing neurons faster which was interesting to find -- seems it speeds up some kind of pruning process -
Depression is nasty.
Especially in your case...
For me diet changed a lot.
Like. A LOT.
I'm currently on an anti inflammatory diet and loosing weight, but a side effect of it was interestingly keeping my depression "in check". Depression doesn't take me out anymore like getting a castiron pan in the face. Its still sometimes hard, but... Its "easier". Less invasive.
When depression set in, I thought pain relief lied in getting duller. People I called “stupid” — who lived simple lives filled with alcohol and lack of any talent or purpose — weren't suffering. Better even, they denied the existence of depression.
My “wish” was granted when they prescribed cariprazine. In two months, I lost my ability to read, let alone code.
Before that, even depressed, writing a simple email/password auth was a matter of ten minutes in any of the languages I knew how to do web in (JS, Python, Clojure, PHP). But on cariprazine, I remember myself not quite getting what an HTML form was.
Tell you what… you should never wish to become dumber. When I was smart and depressed, the pain was real, but it felt like… let's say a breakup. When I was dumb and depressed, it felt like being raped with a red-hot soldering iron. Or like being skinned alive. Or like when 100% of your skin is a third-degree burn. The pain weren't listening to me, as my mouth was glued shut as if I was Keanu in the first Matrix movie. You can't say, do or think anything, at all, to ease your pain somehow. You can't even realize that just DMing or calling someone is probably a good idea.
Instead of you vs. despair situation from when you were smart, now it's just despair that is actively melting you, so you two become one. Even time loses its meaning. There is nothing out there but suffering.
If you're smart(er than I was at my lowest), DO cherish it. Losing that will spell disaster. So stay away from substances that can facilitate that loss.
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