53
Floydian
72d

TL;DR: Long, boring, depressive and introspective rant. Don't read.

So I have been an annoying dickhead all my life. I have hurt people with my words and action beyond repair, especially the ones who loved me the most.

I was never good in studies, wasted my parents hard earned cash on trivial demands, never played any sport or participated in any events.

Hardly had any friends. Even today people don't like me. They just tolerate my existence and wish I leave their company as soon as I can.

I have many medical issues and have spend a truck full of cash over illnesses that could have been prevented with just basic precautions. I chose to ignore and suffer.

I have never done anything good in my life. Never been productive or achieved anything, atleast in past two and half decades.

Wasted all my worthless time, mindlessly scrolling internet and watching cats videos. Never even cared to learn something useful on internet.

My side project which I loved the most, now holds no value to me. Sometimes, I wonder is it even worth investing so much time and efforts?

I am not comparing my life's bloopers with limelight stage appearances of others. But I am tired of trying.

This time I won't curse people around me or blame the circumstances. Because the problem lies with myself. It's me and only me who is to be blamed.

I have lost countless great opportunities to turn my life around. Yet life keeps throwing lemons at me again and again. Not sure why even when I am tend waste them.

I am not anxious or depressed anymore. I have accepted the situation, life and the fact that I can never be happy or achieve anything. My existence has no purpose.

I am just sad and angry at myself. I am pissed af.

I am stuck in time and lost in space with nop purpose or place.

Nothing more than waste of matter.

Comments
  • 18
    > I have accepted my situation and the fact that I’ll NEVER be happy...

    That’s where you’re wrong! In German, we have a nice proverb: awareness is the first step to improvement (“Einsicht ist der erste Schritt zur Besserung”)

    Stay positive, my friend.
  • 8
    Hey cmon

    Be positive friend.

    If you are planning a suicide (which you shouldn't) think again.
  • 4
    Dont dwell too deep in the darkness. I got an advice for you, its 3 words: Jordan B Peterson.

    He helped me out of my black hole
  • 2
    @RantSomeWhere trying hard. But life seems to be going nowhere since half a decade now.

    @CozyPlanes no suicide for me. That's for weak.

    @bioDan thanks bro. Trying to look forward in life.
  • 9
    Hey, nice rant.
    I'm not really great at advising but I'll put forth my a bit of my observations. All that you said about whiling away time unproductively and and wasting your parents' money, I know people who do that even now. The big difference is you realise it as a mistake - I know people who don't. You're already past that line so you're free from that mistake now. Go somewhere else, instead of standing on the line and looking at the way you came. There's no one who hasn't fucked up something or the other in life.

    For the second part, you say how you don't have a purpose in life. I think that might be where you need to focus. Find a purpose. It could be anything. I for one, wish to retire by the time I hit 30. Sounds crazy but that's a purpose, you see. I'm stuck in the most romantic city in the world, Paris, with every molecule of my body and my mind wanting to go back home - to India. It's only a purpose that keeps me from being depressed till I finally leave this place. :D
  • 2
    Okay I'm young and it feels daunting that what i love as of today, might not matter much to me a few years ahead. Truth is, i don't feel you pal, i really don't. I have hope for future, as everyone my age is expected to.

    But the things you said, i think, are what makes us human. Never good in studies? pff shit value by which ppl measure themselves. And its totally fine to be not good at sports and, cat videos are awesome, they reduce stress and so many other things you said that I'm too lazy to make a comeback. I may not understand all of what u meant and feel but I think its totally normal for someone to feel like this, i really hope u feel better and do better soon.
  • 2
    @Bitwise you always have the right advice for me as you hit the spot right on.

    Yes, I am afraid to take risks. Maybe because of fear of failure? I don't know.

    I am just afraid to lose what I am trying to win.

    No, I am not comfortable with life. No, I don't fear change. I embrace it and constantly carve it.

    Thing is I don't take risk as much as I should or I can.

    @exceptionalGuy even I had that retirement plan but now it is lost as well. Trying to cross that line find the purpose. The purpose I had is no more worth it.

    @yatanvesh maybe you are right, but somethings just don't change no matter how hard we try. It's like pushing a rock mountain. It cannot be done.
  • 3
    @Bitwise advice worth gold. Though, it is easier said, than it’s done. I struggle a lot with side projects and I just want to bring something awesome to others, otherwise it doesn’t matter, anyway I am aware of it, and try my best.

    @Floydian I could relate to a lot of things, it just seems that the only thing I am good at is doing what others ask me to do (clients, my employer), but I can’t do anything for myself... And I am being an asshole to all my relatives. Anyway, I figured that all this shit comes from negative thoughts, so I try to ignore them, it is not easy, but I think it actually helps.

    I also like the theory that people have two selfs, a good and and an evil (I am not religious). I know I want to be a good person, so it helps me ignore the bad me and all negative thoughts.

    “I believe that there is another man inside of every man, a stranger, a Conniving Man.” - Stephen King

    Oh, and also have you heard the story about two wolfs?
  • 3
    Aawhhh

    Hugtime

    And goodnight :D
  • 3
    @gintko yes, negative thoughts contribute a lot, but I am just being neutral and realistic right now. I don't want to mention my good part anymore and blame people and situations. I am trying to face the situation.

    I think I have heard the wolf story, but not sure. Can you share again?
  • 4
    @Bitwise I wish I could favourite this comment.

    Tbh I even thought that many times. I am pretty serious guy irl which is why you'll see me goof around in comments and posts, as I try to lighten myself a bit here.

    I make serious decisions and have no safety net. For me it's do or die everytime.

    I always give my 100% in whatever I do. But what sucks is that when we are dependent upon others and completely helpless.

    @Codex404 thanks bro. It's afternoon here. Haha πŸ˜†
  • 5
    @Floydian
    An old Cherokee Indian chief was teaching his grandson about life.

    “A fight is going on inside me,” he told the young boy, “a fight between two wolves.
    One is evil, full of anger, sorrow, regret, greed, self-pity and false pride.
    The other is good, full of joy, peace, love, humility, kindness and faith.”

    “This same fight is going on inside of you, grandson… and inside of every other person on the face of this earth.”

    The grandson ponders this for a moment and then asks, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?”

    The old man smiled and simply said, “The one you feed.”
  • 4
    If you have no purpose but wish to find one, your purpose is to find your purpose.

    You are afraid to fail. Afraid to lose.
    As long as you keep trying and learning from your mistakes you can never lose.

    You lose when you give up.
    If you don't want to lose, forward march!

    I know how you feel. I really do. Sometimes you are just too tired. I say this from all my heart and I mean no disrespect: Seek help from a professional. Do it for your well being.
  • 4
    @Floydian suicide isn't for weak, it's like dying from hearth failure. Sure your hearth was weak in meaning that it isn't strong enough to beat more, but it isn't your fault. You are just ill (brain or hearth sicknesses it doesn't matter).

    If I remember correctly you donate hair for children so it's good thing. Also I feel like quite a lot people like you, sure you could be dick in real life, but who isn't.

    Life has no purpose, we are just accident in merging together some particles. You give meaning for your life and it hasn't to be big one. Do something what you like it could last a few months or years or lifetime it doesn't matter.

    Don't let you feel like shit, each patch brings you more bugs and it doesn't mean that patch was mistake or whole program was mistake it's just how it is. Accept some bugs (they are feature) and fix other, but focusing on bugs means no progress and exhaustion. Maybe shitty allegory, but it is how I feel it.

    Embrace your life, your mistakes and learn
  • 1
    I've seen things you've accomplished on dR, which I can't find a place for in this rant, which is sad, because they negate and fix everything you said in here, imho

    Highlight the positive things in life some more, and don't forget that there are no problems, only solutions! :)
  • 1
    I would like you to read Geeta.
    Or even here it.
    Audiobook (offline and online) available on headfone app.
    :)
  • 1
    @xewl rephrasing:
    no problems, only obstacles;
    your purpose is to find your way through
  • 1
    @Floydian Ok, looking back now and then isnt bad. But focus on whats coming instead if what happened. Opportunities mostly are created by yourself in the past somehow.
    But i want to know: Whats ur sideproject 😁
  • 5
    @Bitwise yeah! Small updates do lead to big software. I can share, do you use Discord?

    @gintko yes, the wolf story. I fed the good one for a longer time than I should have. The lazy fucker did nothing and just layed there.

    @Synti finding a purpose is a purpose. Yes. This made me smile. Well, I am fine. Just feeling helpless and hopeless. Might pass this sad phase soon hopefully.

    @Omnisus I loved you patch and bug analogy. Yes, I am trying to learn from the mistake and you remember right, I did donate hair to the needy.

    @xewl thanks man for highlighting the good side. I am really trying hard to recover.

    @gitlog sure man. Audiobook sounds fun. Never tried it so might give it a try. Will hit you up if I need help with it.

    @BadCompany can you elaborate, 'opportunities are created by yourself in past somehow'. I liked this thought.

    My side project is Prismo laboratory (http://www.prismo.net/Prismo).
  • 1
    I think your rightness prove you wrong. I believe that being self aware is the base ground for being good and helpful. If someone is selfish or ignorant he will never have the motivation to change for the better.
    In addition, I believe you are wrong. Not doing good? Bitch please, you just told us a month ago about you donating you hair.
    And no, scammers oppotunities does not count (referring https://devrant.com/rants/1527281/...) but I am sure you took some critical good choices that today look transparent.
    I think you are just a tester who decided to put himself to the test. Well, guess what testerboy? You know how to do your job and find bad things anywhere.
    You are just "Lost in thought and lost in time
    While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted".
    And friends health and studies are all one way things. They telll something good if you have them, but not saying anything bad if you dont.
  • 1
    @Floydian i just checked, the whole concept isnt clear to me (prisma) but i'm working i'll have a better look later. But opportunities, well yeah, they are everywhere, u just have to see them. You dont see a lot of them by locking yourself up in a room. Just making yhe comparison to see my point. The more you involve in life, networking, meeting other people, contributing here t'and there, ur constantly opening doors to other possible opportunities. For myself, 50% of my work now is based on connections or links that were made in previous projects, ex. partner of customer see's my skill, puts a problem on the table while having a drink, i throw him a simple solution, year later the guy remembers me cus of a problem in a totally new project, calls me... now i'm working on a very nice project for like 3-4 month full time all alone with a customer who beleives 200% in me. Just 1 example...
  • 1
    ok i just got the concept of prismo, nice, and nice tight website too. Where r u at this point and where do u want to be for example in a year with prismo?
  • 2
    @hubiruchi You have no right to make me feel that good. You only have right to random mention me.

    I know I did good things. I still constantly do them. Everyday. Whenever I can. I don't expect anything in return.

    But atleast once in a while I wish something good happens with me as well. But it doesn't.

    I donated my hair and all the good things. I did only what a human should do. Everybody should do and nothing great about it.

    You're right. I am testing myself. My destiny and tenacity. I don't know why.

    @BitWise You need to give me the tag id as well along with username. It's pretty simple, light and powerful once you are used to it.

    @BadCompany Thanks man. I atleast want a prototype, but not sure about it. Glad you are loving what you are doing. I don't know what will I achieve from this concept.
  • 1
    Be positive my friend, everything's gonna be alright just matter of time.
  • 1
    @Floydian dude i just saw ur websites bottomline, priceless!

    "best viewed without internet explorer"
  • 1
    @const Thanks.

    @BadCompany Thanks that's inspired from (read copied from) https://www.metal-archives.com
  • 2
    @Floydian we easily used to good and nice things and make small inconveniences a huge daybreakers. We don't remember this people whose don't punch us in face, easily forgot about this little smile or holding a door. We could notice when someone do breakfast for us, but we would used to it also and make demands to have breakfast made for us every mornings and be upset when don't get one. Why would we be upset if doing breakfast for ourself isn't bad thing, it is normal.

    You have to seek nice things to see them as much as you have to seek meaning in painting to discover it even if there is no meaning you could find one which will be special for you. Same with nice things, maybe this smile wasn't for you, but it could make your day special.
  • 2
    Well, recognising the problem is always the first step. Now get to work ok fixing it!
    No more excuses.
    Good luck!
  • 2
    I think a lot of ppl will -- this but it's the truth. The truth usually hurts, so sure go ahead and --.

    Stop whining around. Stop being angry. NO_ONE_CARES (sorry not sorry for caps). You don't need a pitty phase because it's worthless. You can achieve what ever you set in your mind. You can change. But only and really only if you really want it. You need to want it like the need of air to breath. Otherwise you won't. If you don't want it that much, sooner or later you will fail and that will be your fault alone.

    Step out of your comfort zone and DO SOMETHING. Stop pressing the replay button every damn day! And stop talking about it. (Oh wow I always wanted to say that) JUST DO IT! Talking is irrelevant. Actions matter. It doesn't matter what happend to you. What matters is what you gonna do about it!
  • 1
    @Omnisus agree. Small things do matter. I'll try my best.

    @kgbemployee thanks.

    @egix much needed bashing. I agree, actions speak louder than words. I could have done what you said, infact I am doing things to get towards my goal. But I am afraid that by the time I reach their, the goal would already have been vanished completely. Also, if it was dependent upon me, the approach you said would have worked. I fear it's not.

    @Hu-bot0x58 I might be wrong. Thanks for pointing out.
  • 2
    First things first, as someone who grew up dirt poor and worked 3 jobs seven days a week to pay for my tuition - fuck you for wasting your parents money.

    Now that that’s out the way. Shit happens dude, the main thing is to get your head out of the zone that you are currently in - your environment kind of dictates how you feel.

    I currently have no friends either, and the only thing I can do well is code, play games, and work myself to death.

    I wish you luck in your endeavors to get out of this situation and frame of mind you’re in, otherwise any advice I would give would be useless as I’m worse than you .
  • 4
    Hey man, you have ALREADY the first step on the right direction! That is self reflection, looking where you are. It's really hard to fix an issue if you don't know what the issue is.

    Thanks for sharing, that takes courage and is that same quality that you can use to move forward. You can't fix a broken system but you can one bug on a loop.

    One of the issues with people trying to better themselves is that they look at everything and get overwhelmed and think they can't do anything because it's so much, it has been so many years, so many mistakes... Don't do that, start with, for example, your sleep cycle, or your nutrition, or developing gratitude. Just one step at a time.

    We as a community are here to help you and push you forward man! Go for it!! We believe in you!!
  • 3
    Most of what I'd like to say has already been said. Good job guys!

    But yes. Take some risks. Change something in your life. Be open minded and open for opportunities. Like whats the worst that could happen if you take a chance?
    People have told me also that I should not define my worth by what others say or think of me. So yeah.
    Also, find something you like to do which is different to coding. It helps. Craft something. Go to an event. Explore.

    Life's too short. Live a little. And if you need to talk, well, as you can see, here are a lot of pll who would listen and try to help :)
  • 2
    @gintko

    Thats a good storyπŸ˜ƒ!
  • 2
    Reading this rant gave me several insights..

    i'm the same as in the sense i cant take risks because i've always tended to put everything int he comfort zone and never get out of it and push myself.

    it's been a big mistake and thanks for this eye opening discussion devranters.
  • 1
    @ArchLinux we as as human beings tend to protect ourselves. Wether it's physical or psychological, we like to take the safe way which leads us to press the damn replay button every damn day. If we want to change something we need to risk something. Risk to be hurt or fall down otherwise we won't change anything.... It's hard but absolutely possible
  • 1
    Bro, time to run some unit tests for life. Stay positive, there's always a lot of good you can do and relationships can be repaired. Don't let your inner fears get the best of you, keep on kicking and raise your middle finger so high that you'll get up Satan's ass and straight into the middle of the sun.

    You're one of a kind and I know you're a cool dude. Don't let yourself tell yourself otherwise.

    We all go through shit, some worse than others, but I know you'll get through it. We're here for you. We're family and friends, we're enemies and nemeses. We're all different and yet the same in the sense that we're going to kick you in the nuts if you do dumb shit, but still love you and care for you when you need it. We're devrant and together we're fucking unstoppable. I can only speak for myself, but I'm sure there are a lot of others who can say they're happy you're here and that your rants show them they're not alone, in good and in bad.

    Where I'm from, there's a saying "A kick in the but is a nudge forward".

    I for one appreciate you and I'm happy that we're on the same platform where we can talk about what we do and how that frustrates us and about the good times as well. Looking forward for the latter one now :)

    Cheers, brother!
  • 1
    Found this today. Hope your situation is improved. πŸ€
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