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I fucking hate when people get in the train for just a few stops but take their fucking bicycles with them and stand in the way as if they actually rode a fucking train for the first time.

And I swear by your favourite deity's saggy genitals, the next fucking piece of shit who touches any part of my body or personal belongings with their dirty bicycle tires will be getting suckerpunched, kicked their teeth in, and stomped on their fucking head until the closest thing it resembles is a splat of mashed potatoes and beetlejuice with some broken teeth and bone splinters sprinkled on top.

Be fucking consequent once in your worthless lives, you goddamn hipsters, Either take your sodding bike OR the train, but don't take multiple seats and act as if you fucking own the goddamn place.

Berlin sucks donkey cum, and the DB is even worse, but the city isn't really large. There is just no way every fucking hipster has to take their 1500€ retro bike with them, because you miserable arseholes practically all live and 'work' in the same pretentious neighborhoods anyway.

The trains are already filled to the fucking brim without your silly status symbols. So either leave them at your fucking loft along with your MacBook Pro™, your gay pants and your silly set of mustache combs or ride it, exclusively and consequently, without polluting the traffic at the wrong end.

All I want is my clothes to stay clean on my way to work, and that you give some bleary-eyed truck driver the chance to run you over and grind your silly bike, your detestable visage and your groomed cartoon character beard between their truck and the coarse asphalt for a few hundred meters, before coming to a screeching halt – just like your worthless life.

FUCK!

Comments
  • 18
    I love a good devrant in the morning.

    I experience this on a slightly smaller scale in Stuttgart.
  • 8
    How come it's even legal in the first place? I know that you can bring your bike with you in France, but you either need something over it or put it in a special place. You can't just... "Walk" in there like this...
  • 9
    Or when they have to block like 4 of free seats, meanwhile they sit on one of the normal seats, in a crowded train, so people have to stand up, just so these fuckers can 4 seats for their shit bikes.
  • 14
    Our trains have designated areas for bikes, and during rushhour none foldable bikes are not allowed.

    I only once in my life I got really annoyed by this woman and her bike. During rushhour she had placed her tricycle, this massive thing in front of the entrance. The wrong place and not allowed. Nobody could get in or out without stepping over her bike. And during the entire time she was shouting at me and the other people near her bike that we should stop touching her very expensive bike and be more carefull. Us packed together with no room left to stand because of her bike while she was sitting in some first class seat 10 meters away.

    But apart from that never had problems ;)
  • 13
    @Frederick Yup! And when you hint you'd like to sit there they roll their eyes as if they rented the whole train and just tolerated you before, due to their good will.

    I want to smash their bikes and beat them to cripples with their bike chains.
  • 5
    Is there not a rule in Germany, that you can't bring your bike on the train during peak hours? Or is it the case, that nobody cares enough to enforce it
  • 5
    Experiencing the same scenario every day on my way to work. Don't get me wrong, mostly I love our S-Bahn, but I absolutely hate the people in the trains. Those cocksuckers act like they are the only human being in this totally overheated piece of shit. Are you from Berlin or only here for a visit?
  • 5
    In Vienna, bikes are only allowed in the metro outside of rush hours. They still annoy me, especially when the weather is fine outside and there is no real reason to use the train instead, except the bike travellers laziness.

    And they block the passenger flow, esp. when some mother tries to fit in with her baby stroller. Fucking asshats.
  • 5
    @AlexDeLarge Its rarely i even see them, most of the time they even sit in another train carriage, sometimes 2 carriages away from the one with their shit bikes in it.
  • 7
    Well since we are targeting the self proclaimed dickhead bikers and not avg me who at least gets the quiet train in rush hour, the train before and after is a can of sardines, you want a seat, sit on someone’s head or hang from the roof bars 😔

    Plus you know, I’m not taking the next stop, I’m going 40km, So fuck riding that far across the CBD in peak hour traffic, I don’t have that kind of suicide wish!

    But back these these dickheads... stand the fuck up, get the fuck out of the way, and if your only going 5-10KM use your god damn fucking bike!
  • 4
    Wtf are mustach comb's? Learn a bit every day. Here in the Netherlands it's really expensive to take a bike on the train (unless it's folded than it's just luggage).

    I know because I had to take it twice. Once because of bike trouble and once because of a far away holiday startup point (and no car)
  • 3
    Since I moved into the city 10 mins from my work I've been forever grateful for not having deal with dick heads on public transport
  • 3
    What a rant!
    Thank you for the last paragraph 😁
  • 5
    @hjk101 where do you live lol? Here in Amsterdam there’s bikes everywhere in the metro.
  • 9
    hah, i have this image of them setti g out from home at bike, pretending in front of their flatmates/neighbors/mutually in front of each other that "yeah, i'm enviro conscious, i ride to work on a bike", then quicky turning a corner to lose anyone trying to follow them to check, getting on tge train, getting off after two or three stops, and then arriving at work, again pretending in front of each other "yeah, i got to work on my bike, how did YOU help saving environment today??"

    that's some edgar wright/simon pegg material right there XD
  • 8
    Beautiful rant!

    I have similar issues with loads of old people in trains. The route I have to take to work is during three quarters of the year very often stuffed with old people who either go or come from hiking in the mountains close by.
    When you have to stroll through wagon after wagon to find a suitable seat, the fucking smell of perfume from 324 B.C. or of half rotten human flesh is utterly disgusting. Elderly people being senile and not the fastest with thinking ahead often put their hiking sticks, dirty legs or backpacks right in the middle of the already tight corridor so you have to violently stumble through while holding back your anger to not "accidently" punch a half-dead human to its end.

    The most beautiful time on trains is between 22h and 04h, because during the night, these people are either having their very last breath in an soon empty appartement or are not in the trains disturbing my inner peace and sanity.
  • 3
    @PonySlaystation 4711 Echt Kölnisch Wasser: Smells like only the interior of a coffin.
  • 1
  • 3
    Wait, why are they taking train if they have bike? I don't understand. 👀

    For small stops, they can ride their bike and probably faster than train. No?

    For many stops, why bother bringing bike in first place? 🤔
  • 2
    @cursee it’s quicker then walking a few Km’s once you get off the train.
  • 2
    @C0D4 hmm I would just walk or take bus even in that scenario. :3
  • 3
    @hjk101 I recently learned about the special types of facial hair combs because I want to take better care of my beard. (I like having a beard, but other people like me having a nice beard. 🤔) Apparently facial hair responds better to wooden combs (I can't explain why, since I don't understand it myself).
  • 3
    The ÖBB has already found a solution to this problem: Bikes only allowed in specified bike room. Funny enough: No one here who uses the train takes his fucking bike with them.
  • 1
    sounds like Toronto to me
  • 2
    Thanks for yet another epic rant Alex. Good way to start a Friday 🤣
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