reading a book on depression, which this psych dude I met apparently glowed about when I mentioned it. pretty sure this was a popular and pivotal book in psychology. "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy"

it has a quiz in it for "dysfunctional attitudes" which after you take it will tell you your psychological strengths / resiliencies and weaknesses / things people can abuse and manipulate you with, which will cause stress and eventual depression

then the guy tries to argue at the end of the quiz against you having the dysfunctional attitudes with this and that reason. which I'm finding quite validating because..

I took the quiz and scored it the first time I was like "whoa I'm so weak" but apparently I reversed the numbers because my brain is scrambled eggs. in reality I have no weaknesses, and the things that most annoyed people about me and had them try to put the most pressure on me are my strengths. I am so validated

but the problem is... ummm... everyone is highly fucking dysfunctional and they think you're the problem if you're different from them. if they can't manipulate you then they get irate and think you're good for nothing (you could just ASK instead of manipulating me. I always found this so disrespectful and insulting)

now I'm thinking my job PTSD / fear / anxiety is because everyone's attitudes at work were so dysfunctional. they really didn't sell me that such a life would be worth living. and in this book, yeah, literally those attitudes were tested to cause emotional and mental issues in people. wtf. I felt not built for this world but it is the world that is wrong -- according to this book anyway

so that gave me some hope but trying to research workplace attitudes made me feel worse. it's so wild to me that we believe these things as a culture and try to impose them on each other when they make us miserable

and workplaces seem to literally be looking for these "insecurities" (how I saw it before this quiz). that if you fail to agree or be friends with everybody that you're worthless. that if something you say upsets someone it's your fault. toxic competitive mindsets where you should always be "on" or you're worthless. displaying weaknesses is gross, etc. put others needs before your own. the stupid status or competence means happiness myth which always drove me wild about people because in my experience status is just a manipulation tactic and there's no gold at the end of the rainbow, just management then making everyone an enemy of yours by using you as a measuring stick until people unnecessarily hate you which is just so goddamned toxic (all the while you're not even making more money but you are working more unpaid overtime -- also the myth of "if you put in the work you will be rewarded" which they told me even though I don't believe in entitlement and then how am I supposed to rationalize that they promised me something and it wasn't even my attitude / belief but I got to suffer the depression from it anyway because they told me that was the worldview I should be having to belong and be a "professional"?)

omg and perfectionism. finish everything you start. I even got these at interviews totally unprompted, but it isn't like I lacked content for them to judge me on

I remember a "friend" heard I got let go at a job and he started laughing and saying what a failure I am and I was taken aback because I was having issues with my boss there. I felt _relieved_ they let me go, because it was causing me stress to try to work with my boss who wouldn't communicate her expectations to me but would always get mad at me and not explain why she was. to me that whole situation was dysfunctional. to the company, none of my co workers saw it as a problem, and eventually I contacted HR and a few days later I was let go so I guess they didn't see it as a problem either. it was a problem, objectively though, like how physics works. if you don't say what you want you're not going to get it. it was making me crazy trying to explain that to people. I was happy to be rid of the problem. but this guy for days went on how it was a personal failure of mine, but all I could think of was how I knew myself better from the experience. and this "friend" wasn't the only tech person who sided with dysfunctionality in tech. an ex of mine was vicious another time and you'd think someone you're dating would have your back, but in his head all criticism was always valid and he was in the wrong if he ever got any and should be ashamed of himself as a person and he put that on me and I thought that was so fucked up

recently someone got irate at me and terminated friendship because something a mutual friend of ours said to me was unhelpful and I told the guy as such. well said guy took it personally, and then I was under pressure to be "compassionate", and "understanding". yo what about being understanding of me? when I wouldn't go with the pressure he turned a cold shoulder🤷

I swear the world is fucking mad