35
xaero
2d

!dev

TL;DR: My GF flipped out and locked me out, and we may be splitting soon.

Background:
I have a GF for about 4.5 years, 2.5 of which we live together. She comes from a very harsh past of abuse from her parents and it reflects on her personality. About a year before we moved in my parents flipped out on her and since then she's not welcome in their home. We fight a lot and much of it revolves around this issue - she can't stand me going to visit them so I come there 2-3 times every semester (except when I need my brother's car) and don't stay there overnight. This has been the issue for about a year and a half now and it gets worse every time the thing comes up. As a result I missed 3 New Year's Eves, all my and my family's birthdays and every holiday I could spend with them.

Story:
On Friday I took the car and we went to go visit her grandma. We came back and I drove to my parents' place to return the car. As I get into the city (it's about 35-40 min drive from my city to theirs) my brother tells me he doesn't need the car and he works only tomorrow morning. It's 9:30pm and to get his car in the morning I would have to leave my home at 5am, so I decide to stay there overnight so that I wont drive after 5 hours of sleep. I tell this to my GF and she is disappointed, I go on to talk a bit with my mom and sit around so I see (and respond to) her messages after 1.5 hours. She's pissed and says she wants me back, then goes on to say "you can stay there for good for all I care". I reply pretty patiently but she won't let go of her anger and can't get to understanding me.

Next morning I get home and she won't open the door, I stay out for about 3 hours. She claimed I should now I feel what she felt the day before when I didn't come home and left her alone. I knocked, rang, sent messages and called her for like 30 minutes, and after that I became really angry and shouted at her through the door, at which point she claimed I'm being aggressive and violent and she doesn't feel safe opening the door. The other 2.5 hours were just sitting outside the house and waiting for some miracle.

At some point she went out and I SLIPPED in and since then we barely talk, she says she can't see any solution and she started packing her things. This is the second time she locks me out, the first time was about 3 months ago. I know that the only thing I've done wrong is leaving her hanging for over an hour but it doesn't excuse her behavior IMO. I know we have to break up but I still feel really depressed over this, 4.5 years of relationship do have a lot of good memories.

Just wanted to vent about this shit. Thanks for reading that far.

Comments
  • 21
    Holy shit be glad once you get rid of her.
  • 16
    This is good, now go help her pack so she doesn't have be around longer than needed.

    Don't block her number or social media accounts or you'll look like a loser. Just don't ever respond to her when she gets in contact again.

    You don't need a shit show in your life, just like everybody else.
  • 16
    Sorry to hear that. After being in such relationship, you'll need a therapy... Or at least plenty of time.

    One thing from me: just don't look back.
  • 2
    Sad situation indeed , best of luck to you and be strong.
  • 10
    I don't think it is worth to miss so much time with your family just to fulfill her want.. In my opinion she destroys you step by step, even if that's not her aim.
  • 14
    If you stay in the appartment while she moves out: do change the locks even if she returns her key.

    And don't fall for it if she comes back in three months and wants to give it another try. It's like with crappy pizza which doesn't become better by being warmed up in a microwave.
  • 5
    It is hard to break a long relationship, but you already realized that relationship is toxic.

    The faster you break up, the faster you'll recover from it. It might take a few months, but eventually it will become part of your past.

    Stay strong.
  • 2
    Were you dating my ex? Help her pack, feel like shit for a while, then move on and be glad it’s over.
  • 3
    Thanks a lot for the support, fellas.

    We have less than a month until our contract on the apartment is over (we rent one), after that I will be moving in with my brother - he's going to start college in March so the timing is good.

    My options are either to move out now (not preferred because the security cheque is on my name and if she breaks something it's on me) or just wait the month and haul ass. She might move out sooner though, and I hope she does.
  • 8
    "Toxic" is not a strong enough term. She gets mad when you spend time with your family? That's a classic aspect of an abusive relationship. You need to get out of it asap.
  • 2
    @Fast-Nop This. Gotta change those locks ASAP.
    I'm sure she's up to stuff OP isn't aware of. Good riddance.
  • 1
    @rantalicious not just mad, she goes amok. She is extremely offended and utterly devastated when I spend time with people that can't stand her, even if it's my parents. She claims, ney, demands that I "shouldn't cooperate" with people that treat her that way.

    To be honest, my folks are a bit flammable and I had a fair share of physical and verbal abuse from my father, but it doesn't excuse her behavior as she did some stupid and selfish things to draw that kind of attention from them and I can understand their point.
  • 1
    The thing is she became really dependant on me (she comes from a hard background as I mentioned), and for a long time I was afraid to leave her because I thought she might become suicidal. So I stuck with her and put up with a lot of shit, but it never reached levels that high.

    I think she might be clinically insane.
  • 3
    Well, you should have managed the issue between your parents and her. It's clear that was the root for all the fights and anger.
  • 2
    @nanl I tried for a long time, but they just don't want to see her. They're OK with me living with her but they don't want any personal interaction with her. They never attacked, threatened or raised their voice on her, never even said a bad word to her. They just passively don't want anything personal with her.
  • 3
    Let go of anything that is toxic. It will hurt like hell I guarantee it. But it's nothing compared to what's waiting for you down the road if you stay in that relationship.
    Be strong, be confident and do not be afraid to put your needs ahead of others. It's not selfish it's called taking care of yourself.
    Finally you'll be depressed and you'll morn over the things you loose and the time you invested. Don't take it like that. Learn from your mistakes.
    Take these things from someone who had to learn them the hard way.
    Good luck and be strong. Better days will come.
  • 1
    Sorry to hear that.
    Some weeks ago, I had to break with someone I let 4 months ago. She started to be too much "toxic" (don't want to go on details), so I decided to stop any contact with her, we work on same place.
    It's hard thing, depressed and other things, but the best choice is just to go far away without hurting (by words) anyone and just live your life, at some point, you will feel better and forget the horrible feeling.
  • 1
    Having endured a past being abused is no excuse for abusing others in return.

    But that is exactly what she did and still does. You are not her property. Having modern technology does not obligate to answer every message in under 20 seconds.

    Why didn't you have a key to your apartment? Locking someone out is even more abusive, it is emotional blackmailing.

    And the only real reason for all this she got was: Because she can.

    Trust me. Two years ago I eventually fled a relationship of 15 years, that was full of mental and emotional abuse.

    If there is one thing I can guarantee you it is this: It will never get better, but it will get worse over time.
  • 2
    Look, buddy, I know sex with crazy is AMAZING, but it's not worth it.

    Get the fuck away from that girl ASAP. She's making you distance yourself from your family (that alone should be enough reason to dump her ass), she's making you waste your time on her stupid shit, she's stressing you out/abusing you psychologically and I could bet my brown ass she's already cheating on you (sorry, don't mean to put more shit on your head, but I've been in that kind of rel. before).

    Just fucking leave her and go no contact. It's really, really tough, but YOU HAVE TO DO IT, MAN. Trust me, it's just gonna get worse, oooh it's gonna get sooo much worse, man. Yickes! I'm shaking just thinking about it.

    Anyways, good luck my friend. I hope you get your head clear and realize what a shithole you're in. Seriously, good luck...
  • 1
    @xaero dude, i read what your writing and, seriously, find a therapy. Being for years with someone like this puts you under specific pressure and changes to you and your judgements and expectations on other people. Find a therapist, or at least read about toxic relationships.
  • 0
    @Yamakuzure I had the key, but she locked the top thingy that you can unlock only from the inside.
    Edit: I never leave home without a key and a phone.

    @telephantasm I came to the understanding that she's not likely to cheat on me, but even if she does - I don't care anymore.

    @mt3o I'm really considering it, can't tell what part of my personality this relashoinshit could fuck up...
  • 1
    @xaero

    "I don't care anymore"

    That's what you say now, but you waited for 3 hours outside for her to open the door. You're hooked...

    If I'm wrong, that's great. Really. Once you're gone, don't come back.
  • 0
    @telephantasm I'll be damn sure not to come back.
  • 1
    @xaero start with lack of skill to set and maintain boundaries and self esteem.
  • 2
    Dude I think we all had an ex like this at some point. We feel ya.

    But please don't be sad, leaving her was probably one of the best things you ever did.

    In the future you'll look back and you'll be like "wow wtf was I even with her". I bet everyone here can confirm that.

    Find yourself one that treats you well and doesn't make you feel miserable - the sex is way better when she's not crying afterwards! (God that sounded wrong..)
  • 2
    Hey there, I'd like to recommend you and pretty much anyone here to read a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Don't judge it by the title. The opposite of nice isn't bad just as the opposite of crazy is just crazy!

    tl;dr
    Bit of a background, over a span of 4 5 years, I found myself being always available for various girls (not all at once). It all ended the same way. The girl would friend zone me, go ahead with some dick. Initially I blamed them, but then introspected and thought maybe I'm wrong somewhere and came across this book. And yes I was wrong.

    This book has helped me and I hope it helps you. It's a small read and totally worth it!
  • 1
    @A4Abhiraj thanks, I'll give it a try 🙂
  • 1
    Oh boy, this is really harsh!
  • 1
    Sounds like she is an asshole.
    But I am thinking you must have done some weird shit too to get her to this state.

    Regardless you guys have communication issues that she seem to not be willing to solve, so good ridance
  • 1
    Forget about 4.5 years, save rest of your life, dude. I myself have been into 4 years of relationship that fucked me for my life! Better! Occasionally lonely but much much better.
  • 1
    @mundo03 well, I can hardly think of anything weird that I've done... Maybe not replying to her messages for 1.5h is considered good enough to lock me out in her world, but not in mine. I admitted that I should've made the effort and talk to her as soon as I entered my folks' place, but besides that I didn't curse, didn't freak out and really tried to explain my point but she was already past the explaining state...
  • 1
    @mundo03 We don't really know; maybe xaero
    is as equally messed up as his girlfriend. I doubt it though. I've seen a number of friends and family members go through similar experiences. This situation looks familiar to me. 😟
  • 1
    You did nothing, really, nothing wrong. If you're scared of leaving her for all the good memories, just know that you might soon find a person right for you that is going to amaze you. Easier than it seems
  • 0
    Thanks for the kind words and the support, reading your comments again makes me feel so much better.

    You guys are awesome :)
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