So, my direct boss and I work from two different offices in two different countries. We are together in Scotland right now.

I used to have concerns about our relationship due to some issues we have had in the past.

What I realize this week, is the issues I have with him are exactly issues I have with myself. We are very similar personality-wise.

So really, I dislike many things due to them being my own negative personality traits.

I was going to leave the company when I get back, but I have decided after this week I will work on my personality and soft skills, I get a lot of leeway from him in regard to this, I am sure I would have already been fired anywhere else.

It really isn't a bad place to work, sure I could make significantly more somewhere else, but really, this company is good for the long game, it is stable, it is a brand, it is large and profitable (has been around 101 years) It is mostly a non-US company.

Lots of room to grow and expand IF I stop being a pretentious asshole.

The one issue I have is I am an only developer in my department, so I get overwhelmed quite easily and I lash out verbally and generally say the absolute wrong things to the wrong people. My boss protects me in this respect, again I most certainly would be fired anywhere else.

Also, this week I am working with a developer from another department, turns out, I don't like working with others as much as I thought I would. I actually like being in control of every aspect of the project and dealing only with my own code.

Lastly, I have noticed the same thing months ago when I was going to leave, and realized my faults, BUT I do good for a month or two (just like my boss does) then fall back into old habits of being pretentious hateful asshole without realizing it.

Anyone have any suggestions to catch myself before I lash out negatively or recognize when my attitude is falling back to default state?

I mean I acknowledge my faults, I am trying to change, and I do good a few months, but I forget that I am this way and simply return to what I do not want to be. Most people do not like me (they don't like my boss either, and they all talk behind our backs) which I really don't care, as I said it turns out I have issues with him because he is so close to how I am. I just want to recognize when my attitude starts declining again so I can remind myself all the good I have and not lament about insignificant bullshit.

  • 3
    Well i guess find something that bugs you and type something about it. Nothing that is real dumb that full asshole should be brought out ofcourse. Read what you type like it would be directed at you and if you notice it's too assholish you know to backup some. Atleast that's what i do, i usually look for dumbshit on reddit to check myself
  • 1
    I can't tell you how to solve this for you, but i'll chime in with a couple of things that worked for me.

    I have a pretty bad temper by nature - the whistle's always going but at least the stove hasn't exploded yet kinda' temper. For starters i did a lot of meditation, (mind=null)-like exercises just to quiet the noise on the inside and over the years i've learned to apply it to my temperemental thoughts as well.

    but with a predisposition like that there's only so much you can do to control yourself - people are irrational, demanding s***bags and will piss you off, so how do you deal with that?

    i do mainly IT-support, but aside from that i do some dev work and i used to handle a lot of implementation and update work for sales campaings (retail support).

    That means i had to deal with a lot of non-IT people with no idea of how long things can take or that i'm not available 24/7, or even daily, for these kinds of tasks.

    (to be continued)
  • 3
    Wow, congrats on being this honest to yourself and thank you for being honest to us. I don't think I ever read a rant like this, it's always easier to blame others...
    I don't have an advice on how to check yourself before you wreck yourself.
  • 6
    So things went like that for years, with me handling these requests on severely limited timeframes and no time allocated and, let's face it, regular outbursts of rage.

    So that all changed a year or two ago when my team lead was replaced.

    The new team lead experienced it a couple of times and then did what should probably have been done from the beginning - implemented a proper chain of command.

    i now have a task board and i have regularly assigned shifts where i can focus on tasks assigned to me and most importantly, no "rush orders" makes it past him. If anyone comes to me and asks for an implementation, i direct them to him and he takes care of the whole "oh but this is urgent" bullshittery, stops by and asks me how long it's going to take to do this thing and then allocates time for me to do it, or as regularly happens: denies the request.

    that last bit is really huge. as a non-leadership person i never felt like i could say no, but as my team lead, he can easily do so. (tbc)
  • 6
    things cooled down a lot from there.

    i'm able to look at people around the organization as colleagues and coworkers.

    sure, i'm at odds with some people, but you always will be - can't make everyone happy. but the raging has subsided a lot with incoming tasks being much more structured.

    i needed some help to stop the rage triggers, rather than help to manage the rage itself, as it turned out.

    now do i have outbursts? of course i do, i'm a passionate guy and it angers me when we can't do things right or when people get all stiff and demanding or a multitude of other brash behaviour, but i'm no longer flippin' sideways at the drop of a hat and it's made my work environment a much nicer place.
  • 3
    Sorry for the wall of text, and good luck with your journey ;)
  • 2
    Try practicing new micro-habits.
    A lot of change is very hard to do all at once: it's much easier to do tiny changes, slowly over time, and practice those every day until they become natural and automatic. Once you've stopped thinking about the last one, you can move on to the next one.
    It might seem like a very slow process at first, but it really adds up over time, if you persist.

    And even if you go back to your old ways after a while, don't beat yourself up more than necessary: acknowledge that you've slipped, then start trying again.
    I'm trying to do the same for my depression, and so far it is working amazingly well!
  • 1
    I've always had an explosive temper myself. It caused me some issues when I was younger. Getting with my wife helped me a lot since I was determined to not treat her the way my dad treated my mom.

    I still get angry at work, far more frequently than I would prefer, but I've learned to keep my mouth shut. Now if I get pissed I just walk away from the source of irritation and go for a walk. I've walked out of meetings with my boss, and people higher up the food chain. Having to eat some humble pie and apologize for doing so and/or being a dick has helped me get my issues under control well enough to smile until the end of meetings.
  • 1

    Thanks for sharing, it helps me a lot. I do have anger issues as well, and I display serious passive/aggressive behavior.

    I need some sort of mnemonic to recognize when I am deteriorating back into this behavior.

    I am meditating more and more and it helps quite a bit. In fact it was what allowed me to really put this aspect of my character under the microscope. Meditating brought it to the forefront and helped create the realization. I definitely plan on continuing with it.

    So now I am going to look for a ring or bracelet that I can put some meaning into that if I look at I can remind myself to keep calm and not blow up or taking things the wrong way. I need patience, and I need to keep my mouth shut until my brain has time to process the information effectively.
  • 2

    Thanks, I try to always improve myself and one thing I realized, generally if you don't like someone and cannot put a finger on why you dislike them so much, it is generally because they are much like yourself.
  • 1
    Never take anything as criticism of you. It’s all work and your work doesn’t define you. You want your work to constantly improve so don’t be attached to it.

    Also some people may have a voice or posture that is just naturally irritating. They aren’t being overly critical, they are just asking questions. They just sound like twats all the time.
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