33
rutee07
10d

I hate my life again.

I'm still struggling with the aftermath of my depression. There are plenty of things to fix but I'm worried I'd be pulled back to that shithole again if I lose my job. I have no one to turn to if I fail. I don't have a family or anything so I can't just "chill".

Every time I have an unfinished task at work, it affects me a lot. I know it shouldn't, it's just work, but my life depends on it because it's where I get money to sustain my meat cage. I completed the previous tasks given to me but every time I couldn't finish it on the set deadline, it's just a fucking nightmare. Usually, it's because of things I cannot control like servers being down and I know it's not my fault but still it makes me think "well, maybe if you worked faster, you would have finished it before shit started going down" and I just blame myself for everything.

I know none of these makes sense but I can't get rid of the guilt and I really think there's something wrong with me. I need to work on my new version because this one isn't working out. Maybe develop a better work ethic?

I don't know. I just want to die so all of this would end.

Comments
  • 12
    Been there. Repeatedly. It does get better. It's just really crappy when you are on that place and completely doubting your own abilities. And it feels awful. But it does get better.
  • 5
    it helped me to keep that phrase in mind: “noone is expecting the impossible from you”

    so then, what’s left do to is just what you can, and if you can’t then it’s outside your job’s scope
  • 8
    dying is the easy way out and it's an option that you always have on hand as a last resort. Thats not to say that its necessarily going to be your only option should it be taken, its to say that it will be the last option you take. In this realm at least, what happens in the great beyond is a bit of a mystery.

    In any case, its better to exhaust your other options first. Your job is where you get your money to sustain yourself, but its not the money that sustains you. It's a means to get sustenance sure, but so is a plow, so is a rifle, so is a fishing pole

    It may be your preferred means and programming may be your preferred means of acquiring it but death and code are by no means your only options. Your haven't even began to cross your moral boundaries yet as far as I can tell and thats only the sign announcing your approach upon rock bottom. You still got another 60 km to go from there to get to it.
  • 9
    So yes ruttee, take a deep breath and chill. The shit will still be there in the morning. If not then oh the fuck well. Its just money and software. Neither are permanent and neither are irreplaceable. You however are quite unique and to prematurely end your own life would be cheating the world out of quite a number of possibilities that it couldn't hope to recreate.
  • 4
    If there is another good day in your future it’s worth living for!
  • 5
    @M1sf3t personally I've never considered dying "the easy way out".
    In fact, I would only ever resort to it if someone managed to mathematically, irrefutably, prove that my life was only gonna get shittier and shittier from that point on, with 100% certainty and nothing I could do would make a difference.
    Which is clearly never gonna happen.

    We have until the heat death of the universe to be dead. So we might as well try our hardest to make the most out of our time spent alive.
    There are
    plenty of things already trying to kill us in this world, there's no reason to add ourselves to that list.

    @rutee07 you sound like a very conscientious person (feeling guilt when something isn't done).
    You should not stop at your feeling of guilt and give up, but use that feeling to push yourself to become the best version of yourself you could ever be.
    The shitty feeling will pass eventually, but you're gonna stay and kick ass.
  • 3
    @endor the quick way out then perhaps.

    But still your right, best to explore all other options before you decide to roll those dice. Scientifically nothing has ever really been proven one way or the other and I don't know about you guys but I've never heard a description of an afterlife that sounded very appealing anyway.

    Except maybe reincarnation. A bird might be cool to come back as. My luck I would come back as a bug tho.

    Then get fed to someone's reptile. Which reminds me, I need to go check on mine....
  • 2
    > prove that my life was only gonna get shittier

    > and shittier from that point on, with 100%

    > certainty and nothing I could do would

    > make a difference.

    You can only disprove a theory. :-)

    As such, I've been disproving that my life is going to get better for a while now..

    But if I don't stay alive and build the things that will help others, who else is going to do it ?

    I've watched for decades while ideas that could benefit society sit on the shelf, with no one running with them.

    It isn't like they are not known, they just sit there.

    Wait for someone to build them.

    Will it be me, will it be you ?

    It better be one of us !
  • 1
    I suggest a donation button on your website, and some project or two that you can work on as a kinda hobby.

    Perhaps something that could benefit humanity in some way.

    Then we aren't just donating to your life, we are donating to something you are doing with your life.
  • 1
    > I just blame myself for everything.

    None of us are superhuman, we all have limits.

    So what if its your fault.

    Isn't your boss supposed to be in charge of these kind of issues, and having enough suitable people to do a task ?

    Except blame, move on.
  • 2
    > I just want to die so all of this would end.

    Where would be the fun in that !

    Fun tomorrow.

    Play a game, allocate some time for fun time.
  • 4
    > I have no one to turn to if I fail.

    Turn to us.

    Might be someone here who can help.

    People have helped me in the past, and I've helped others.
  • 4
    If your job is your lifeline it's only natural that you do everything you can to keep it. Can't deal with being unemployed right now? That's fine.

    I think you'll find that stability your looking for, with time, when you've realized that your life won't come crashing down again. Maybe start meeting people and build relationships with folks that will be there for you if/when you need it? (Easier said than done, right.) Maybe talk to a therapist regularly? Whatever you need to feel safe. Until then, don't work yourself to death, I'm sure you're doing a great job :)
  • 5
    omg, from the way you write you seem to be a beautiful person.

    i promise im not trying anything with that comment.

    i would recommend trying to find people offline or online that cares about you and asks you daily how are you doing (and you do the same with them).
  • 1
    From what I understand from what you are writing is, that most of your world is dependent of your work. If anything there goes wrong you feel bad because you have nothing else to compensate. Try to find something non work related that doesn't make you feel like yesterday on repeat and makes you happy; fills out your world. This would be better than accepting that your workplace is the only thing that defines you.

    Here just a small suggestion from what I sometimes do when I feel down and need time to think: Making a small roadtrip while listening to Oceans who Lied or some songs from Vexento like: Peace, I love Mondays or Never Letting Go <-This you should do! Never let go of all the good things in your life. Never let go of what makes you happy. And if you have nothing, then you are wrong because you haven't looked hard enough yet.
  • 1
    Get to the bottom of it. Let it all go to hell mate. Cut the fucking brakes and ride the depression train all the way down. Fuck the job, the money and the meat-sack it supports. Get evicted. Get yourself a good old fashion drug habit. Sleep around till you've seen the doctor enough times you're eligible for a free penicillin shot like the card thing at starbucks. Steal to get by, cheat to get ahead, lay with dogs and don't get up till you have some god damned fleas. Then when you miss work and your life come back stronger, wiser, more focused and better equipped to deal with the things you will then see as bullshit.
  • 3
    @ihatecomputers yea I see this so much. People let their jobs define them as a human. Hate to be cliché, but look at Elon Musk. Absolutely he could have just let being the CEO of PayPal define him. But he didn’t, and he knew he had value as a person beyond that company and he left. There’s more to you than the work you do.
  • 3
    @82percentrum I can condone this experiment as long as its carried out with a few parameters. A few strippers, a little ecstasy, a little opium, maybe even count a card game or two.

    But felonies are hard to live down and penicillin doesn't get rid of everything. Also gunshot wounds can be a bit of a pain to recover from as well.

    Still not bad advice though. Just as long as the op doesn't get any ideas about giving needles and organized crime a shot 🤔
  • 5
    I know the feeling. For me I try to look at it from the completely different perspective. I tell myself, yes it has been hard and I was down at the bottom, but I got through it. So now whenever I worry I also feel that I will get through anything life throws at me. Also family is always nice to have, but it is not everything and sometimes it's just not there or very toxic. You can find other ressources.
  • 3
    *hugs*
  • 3
    I'm fine, everyone. I'm just dealing with some things. Thank you for the concern and the comments.
  • 1
    @rutee07 well its about goddamned time 😅
  • 0
    @rutee07 will you ever be online on discord again? 🤔
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