The look on a client's face when they realised that I program[med] sex toys for a living was pretty priceless.

Their attitude change, however, cost them a contract. Programming sex toys is no different from programming anything else.

Why do you have to bring in your religious views or my previous contracts into the conversation? All I'm doing is a network audit for your company. I'm not gonna hide a dildo in your closet, or something. I'm supposed to only be around for a few days, too.

Guess I had too many cooties, with how harsh they burnt that contract and bridge.


  • 29
    Programming sex toys? That sounds like a fun job!

    Also fuck them with the stick they already have up their ass.
  • 47
    @saucyatom It is! Basically programming IoT things but can get away with telling your client to go fuck themselves.
  • 41
    @SiinaCutie How did you debug them?
  • 26
    Programming sex toys is definitely top 5 on my list of jobs I'd do.

    Hell I'll put in overtime and be the QA tester myself too 😂
  • 43
    Now think again about the code you write.
    Are you really 100 percent sure, you want to risk having something up your butt, that you programmed yourself?
  • 16
  • 14
    @metamourge butt stuff isn't in the picture. One way only street 🥴🤷🏻‍♂️

    But like those automatic fleshlights that sync to videos? I'd qa test those lmfao
  • 7
    I still remember when my boyfriend picked apart my College thesis and turned it into a vibrator that he then used on me. Years later, my jack rabbit dildo died and I was able to fix it. You live and you learn.
  • 10
    @Stuxnet Can't.. resist.. must..arggh!
  • 5
    @tits-r-us Satan calm down
  • 4
    @delegate212 I have a suspicion you're making a joke, but in the interest of sincerity, I will answer:

    Just like any other technology I've programmed. If the code is not outputting the right results (yay unit tests), fix it.
  • 7
    @Stuxnet The majority of toys that I program end up being inserted anally or vaginally, so you're kinda out of luck there.
  • 0
    @SiinaCutie Yeah, I was. Actually sounds like it would be fun to dev tho, jokes aside.
  • 2
    How did you tested the usability of the program, I mean business testing, uhm..
  • 2
    @tits-r-us Out of curiousity, why is the fleshlight blurred?
  • 6
    @ultimaterage I think it is a Japanese Toy 😂😂😎
  • 0
    @ultimaterage Japanese pussy.
  • 4
    They have to blur the toys too! Outrageous
  • 2
    I'd like to apply for QA.
  • 1
    I would write code way too juvenile for the project, methods name like "beginFunTimes" with comments like // Oohh, your little slut pussy likes that, don't it?

    At least the first time, then I would either get bored, grow the fuck up or get fired.
  • 15
    @jesustricks I am my own boss so I doubt I'll get fired.

    And my code generally has sex puns in it, so that's fine. I don't know how someone could NOT take the chance.
  • 8
    @SiinaCutie How did you get on with the penetration testing?
  • 0
    unittesting never was more joy
  • 0
    @delegate212 gosh i laughed so hard bro.
    Yeah man, tell us about your debugging env 😂😂
  • 2
    @SiinaCutie do you work on the fleshlights that sync up with videos?

    I always wondered if those videos were custom made or if the fleshlight syncs up to any video.

    I mean if it was the latter, it would be very interesting to learn how they'd do that.
  • 10
    I once had a cheap electric toothbrush from China that (on my favourite setting) would work for exactly 98 seconds and then sleep for 1 second. It was so annoying I finally got myself to take a closer look at that microcontroller. There was no code protection of any sort, I could just connect it and read it. Instead of `:program1; rotate left; rotate right; goto #program1;` it was doing ":program1; rotate left; rotate right; rotate left; rotate right;` ... and so on for countless number of screens with `goto #program1;` at the end. For whatever reason that `goto` jump would take 1 extra second so they've pushed as many literal rotation instructions as they could fit in the 2048 bytes of memory.
  • 2
    @Angry Imagine writing instructions in the same way that subtitles are written. That is how many do it.
  • 0
    @cprn That would kill me, holy shit.
  • 0
    @SiinaCutie - Ahh.. so there is some sort of manual input that happens. I'm kind of disappointed they didn't build an AI to do it.

    I mean, the porn industry has helped technology advancements so much. I wouldn't have been surprised if this technology came out from it xD
  • 0
    @Angry I'm sure there are projects that use algorithms to figure it out. I just didn't use any of them.
  • 0
    @Angry What kind of "sync up" are you referring to? I know that porn sites these days already have icon indicators on which part of the video plays which sex position so watchers can skip to their favorite parts.

    Aside from the change of positions, movements are pretty much standard - in and out, especially for the "wearer" of the fleshlight. If you already have the indicators on when the position has changed, you already have a guide to follow.

    Not sure how accurate of a sync up you mean though but porn sites are getting smarter every day. I wonder which one would release an API first. I'm excited. :3
  • 1
    @tits-r-us - I meant in the context of this video [https://youtu.be/T1gitzMp_vg] where the fleshlight's pump action supposedly synced up with a VR video.
  • 1
    actually, programming sex toys sounds more fun than other programming.

    public void fuckThem(float speed)
  • 5
    Must be really satisfying knowing so many people got off to your code.

Add Comment