I just reviewed a resume that has 18 pages. I thought I've seen the worst. I have three stories so hopefully, the people having a hard time finding a job would get something out of this. Some people just don't make sense.

Candidate no. 1: The guy has a specific section for "Personal Details" with information that includes the following:

Gender: Male
Race: <citizenship>
Nationality: <name of his country>

In the work experience, he indicated his responsibilities and one of them was "protect the name of the company at all costs". Wow, my pee pee hard. He has a shitload of Apple certifications and cancelled an interview before. On the date of his re-scheduled interview, the recruiter couldn't contact him. Probably died from an overdose of whatever drug he was on. Thank god, I did not want to waste both of our time.

Candidate no. 2: One of those "proactive" egotistical junior developers. So eager to trash other languages, elitist little fucks, and one of those "Windows bad, reeeeee" types. He said he only uses Linux but he can also use Windows because he would run a virtual machine in Windows that has Linux in it. Big brain 2020. I checked his LinkedIn profile and voila, the most recent of his activities was a shared post saying it should be illegal to push code that doesn't follow PEP8 standards. I crossed my fingers not to see an "HTML is not a programming language" shit in there.

I checked his portfolio, bloated piece of shit that has one of those rounded boxes in the middle. 50% nothing and 50% box that has all the details. He has menus named "Face" and "Emoji Events". He says there "I'm a pedantic programmer" and right after that statement are grammatical errors in various states of decomposition.

Interview day, he didn't miss the chance to tell me about how he wants everything to follow the standards and that his current company doesn't have good documentation so he's looking for other jobs. Strict about standards such as naming conventions but doesn't know data structures and algorithms. Epic priorities.

"Okay." I give him the assessment exam and left him alone for 30 minutes. I told him that he doesn't have to answer all of it and it's just a way to assess his knowledge (hint: try your best and be honest). I came back and he's browsing on his phone. He said he's looking for answers in SO but the connection went down.

"Okay." I checked the exam, no answers for most of it and the ones with answers are all wrong. Technically, you already cheated and yet you didn't get to answer all of it and you didn't even get anything right.

"Okay." He asks, "Do you use a lot of Math in the project?" I was confused. He then said that the exam has a lot of Math in it. The exam was a basic programming exam - how to swap the values of two variables, data structures, what is the time complexity of this and that, method resolution order, etc.

Candidate no. 3: A "full stack" developer. When you see that title, you know you're in for a carnival ride. Senior developer, almost 20 years of experience, has a Master's degree in a reputable university. Every page has a small box with some artsy style on it and a small chunk of information like where he graduated and shit. It's like a scrapbook of pain. This pattern repeated for the rest of the pages. I feel like I read a whole book and got nothing. Like you can ask me what the book I've been reading all day is about and I can't answer you because I don't fucking know. The amazing part is he would often have titles that look like this:

Software Develope

System Administrato

The fuck? I checked his LinkedIn and of course, I see that "Dear recruiters, if you're looking for blah blah blah, that's an entire IT department" cancer.


  • 15
    Welp. I would be interested in seeing what's in their heads (doubt there's a brain, but who knows)

    PS: Is it common to write what "race" you are? I would be quite surprised to see such a thing
  • 15
    @Jilano No. It's so weird especially the term "race". I wonder which realms the recruiters are getting these people from.
  • 16
    Oh fuckkkkkkkkkkk. I just had to interview someone who had ten fucking pages of resume. Like a goddamn booklet motherfucker. I decreased the complexity of questions from absolute high to zero and he couldn’t answer one question right goddamn ten pages holy shit what the fuck was that about
  • 3
    @hatemyjob Sending thoughts and prayers your way. :D
  • 3
    @tits-r-us This gentleman was rejected. Thank god. I mean I go out of my way to help candidates figure out stuff and get them talking but a ten page resume and knowing absolutely nothing is just fucking insane.
  • 4
    Is there any way we can look at this test? I am curious. Every developer interview I had they never offered a test. I just sent them samples of my code after the interview and they were happy with that.
  • 1
    @Jilano pretty common in my country cause we have quotas
  • 1
    @TheBeardedOne I am sadly not surprised when seeing where you're from. Quotas must be one of the shittiest things; they are unfortunately necessary considering how stupid people are.
  • 1
    @Jilano To my knowledge we're the only country in the world with quotas that protect the majority
  • 12
    To be honest, what you describe for candidate 2 doesn't sound too bad, at least up till the point where he flunked the exam.

    I'm pretty passionate about Linux as well, to the point where I refuse to use OSX or Windows. I don't hate on people who use another OS. I also rebuild houses, and use nothing but DeWalt because I love the tools, while others swear by Festool. It's personal 🤷‍

    And yeah, standards are actually quite important. Unification of code under one agreed upon standard is the most important contributor to readability in my opinion.

    And candidate 3... doesn't sound too bad either. That "your requirements are a whole IT department" meme exists for a reason, most companies are not specific enough in their job listings and demand an extremely broad list of skills. Although if he shares that opinion, it conflicts with the fact that he calls himself a fullstack dev...
  • 5
    Oh the things I do in the heat of an interview.

    Recently interviewed and they asked where I saw myself in the next 5 years.

    I wanted to show them I have a plan! So I basically indirectly said "About 100 miles north, not working for this company".

    Of course, that's just what I indirectly said. My actual words were far different. But anyways, interviewer was very nice about it and laughed it off. He politely said something about the "do's and don'ts" of interviewing and after a laugh, moved on.

    But it only occurred to me that would be a bad idea after I had said it.
  • 7

    The 5 year question is kind of a shitty interview question tbf, shows more about what kind of asskisser the interviewee is rather than reveal anything truly valuable.

    But if kiss ass you just, most effective answer usually is to paint a picture of where the *company* would be first, then put yourself in that context — saying something like "projecting 20% growth compounding, the company could be 2.5 times as big. By that time I could see myself leading a small team of <specialism here> to focus on <causing more growth>".

    By making it about the company as a whole rather than just your own career, you show that you're a team player.

    Hmmmm, nothing greater than the taste of delicious butt on your lips.
  • 5
    @AlgoRythm Not sure I could pull this off in an interview, but the 5 year questions begs this:

    "To be gainfully employed doing interesting and challenging work. At a company where I am valued and my work is valued in a meaningful rewarding way. (could put in specifics to the kind of work, etc) There really is no question as to if this is where I will be in 5 years. The question is really is if your company will be that company." It really depends more on them than you. Can they rise to the challenge. Anyway, that is what I would like to say.
  • 4
    @Demolishun @bittersweet It was a government position so the company isn't going anywhere and doesn't **really** focus on growth so I just.... experimented with my answer.
  • 1
    @Demolishun I can't show you but it's almost every basic question you see online if you search for the keywords I mentioned.
  • 1
    @bittersweet I actually considered him before the exam. I value standards and documentation, I met too many who don't care. Too many red flags after that though. The way he talks about his current project gave me the impression that he's one of those who complains about standards but never do anything about it, instead he will leave. So even if he can be taught, he might not be a good investment.

    As for his preference when it comes to operating systems, it would have been fine. The company's pretty chill with that.
  • 2
    @AlgoRythm Thankfully, I was never asked that question again after I avoided those Fortune 500 fuckery companies. Other companies do it too but it seemed more common there.
  • 2
    @StefanH Sounds reasonable to me. Mine has two pages.
  • 0
    I'm just sitting here considering my 1 page resume too short, but it's dense with useful information and that's all.

    Made one using the European template and it now is 2 pages long.

    But at least I'd know how to answer those kind of questions and fuck using just linux
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