I'm so tired. I said "no" so many times but I can still feel the pressure even now and it's Sunday. I cannot enjoy my time off work because this task keeps hanging over my head. I think I'll just straight up say it again, that I don't want to do it anymore. They can fire me for insubordination, call me unprofessional, incompetent, or whatever but I can't deal with the stress anymore.

Some things I learned from diving:
When you descend several feet underwater, you feel the pressure become greater especially in your ear. It's painful. You feel like your head is about to explode. It's hard to focus on anything else. So you try to equalize, relieve the pressure, pinch your nose and blow. If it still hurts, you ascend for a bit where the pressure is lower and try to equalize again. If all is clear, you descend again.

Deep down in the world where you shouldn't be, you have plenty of things to keep track of, foreign objects that help keep you alive - dive computer, diving cylinder, regulator, gauge, mask, fins, buoyancy compensator, and some other shit.

You ascend a little bit in parts where you might end up being the asshole who crash into some corals. You focus on not breathing through your nose or you fog up your mask. Occasionally, water will go inside your mask and you have to fight the reflex to remove your mask because hey, hey, hey, you're underwater, wanna die? Instead, you hold your mask close to your face and breathe out of your nose to remove the water.

But what happens when all of this started happening all at once? You get water in your mask, your feel your head exploding from the pressure, you're about to crash into some corals - slowly yeah, but whatever, or worse, get stuck in a dark shipwreck. You feel yourself panicking because why the fuck are you even here, didn't you almost drown when you were a kid?

Which one do you do first? You calm yourself down so you don't become a danger to your fellow divers. Whatever circus type of bullshit they want to do in the shipwrecks, they can do it themselves. When the only thing on your mind is survival and your life depends in keeping a calm mind, you don't give a shit about their expectations anymore.

Several feet under water, no one talks. You're more alone than ever in your thoughts. You may have a buddy but really, the unspoken rule is whoever loses their shit first dies, whoever panics and becomes a danger to others get left alone because there should be at least one person who comes up.

It makes no sense but yeah, it feels a lot like that. I'm not gonna kill myself to impress the people who would leave me alone for their own survival. You can't blame them, it's human nature. They can't blame you, you're from the same kind.

  • 4
    The silence, the freedom, the lack of demands on my mind...
    This makes me want to learn to dive.
  • 3
    @Root I think you will love it. It's amazing down there and people's mouths are always shut!
  • 4
    Stop being so cute. It doesn't suit you.

    If they called you unprofessional, you can kick them in the dick. Don't get the nickname without a real reason for it!

    I wouldn't say look for a new job, but that option is always there. This is not a life or death situation.
  • 1
    @NoMad What cute? Lol. Hahaha. I'm already looking for a new job though.
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