32
F1973
16d

I get attached very quickly. To people, to job, to a company, to places, to patterns and to almost everything.

This is costing me a lot and leads to emotional disturbance.

How do I achieve emotion less state or disconnect emotionally and be more rational?

How do I keep myself focused on personal life goal and not to a job or company or product or people around?

Comments
  • 12
    I know people here will disagree, but you asked, I'll give my honest answer.

    Without purpose, you're a doomed person. Whatever you achieve will be an accident. Whatever you lose won't feel like a loss.

    Everyone searches for purpose. Many try to make purpose out of things which aren't enough to sustain someone. Your spouse can't be your purpose. One day they won't be with you any longer. Same with kids. Same with "financial stability". Not saying these aren't important. They're so important but they can't be your everything.

    At the end of the day, I really believe purpose comes from understanding your place in the world and understanding your Lord, the fact that you are a small part of something far bigger, far more powerful than you, so capable of destroying everything you care for but also so capable of being there with you as a refuge from and throughout all forms of loss.

    Religion fills us with purpose. And religion is not irrational. It's irrational to live without purpose.
  • 18
    @justamuslimguy I find religion stupid and a massive scam.

    I wouldn't stop you or anyone from following their own stuff though.

    I have a different opinion on god and different for religion.
  • 4
    📍
    Since I have the same problem
  • 12
    @justamuslimguy

    Religion is irrational.
  • 6
    @F1973 sure, you can see it that way.

    But isn't the rat race, the consumerism we get tied into, the isolation we have from our families, friends, communities, isn't that also a scam?

    The kind of job that lures you in with high pay, generous perks, then it turns out you just spend years optimizing how to stuff ads into people's phones for fancy purses no one needs. That's not a scam?

    People use religion to scam all the time. But God isn't a scam. You don't need to spend money to get what God gives. The rules are clear and for your benefit. And you don't need to enrich any other human being to follow them and to feel that progress and purpose and fulfillment in your life as you make yourself a better and better person. There isn't a deal like that in the world, in my opinion
  • 1
    @Linux well, isn't trying to find purpose in a life you ultimately think is accidental and meaningless also irrational?
  • 7
    @justamuslimguy

    >But isn't the rat race, the consumerism we get tied into, the isolation we have from our families, friends, communities, isn't that also a scam?

    I mean that's the whole point of this post. It's a scam and help me out.
  • 14
    Also if we can keep away Religion/God and Politics from devRant and this thread, I'd appreciate.

    No offense to anyone's beliefs but just that I am not looking towards that kind of advice.
  • 10
    I had much the same problem. I found meditation and near-daily reflection to help me greatly with this. Evaluate constantly what means something to you and what is just a variable to be garbage collected from your life now, in a month or in a few years. If your job isn't going to be your job for the rest of your life it isn't necessarily very important and you should seek to distance yourself from it. Same goes with everything else.

    Oddly I found the more I find balance within myself the less I attach myself to external things.

    Also, finding a mission and making everything you do a part of achieving that greater goal helps a lot. Makes it easy to filter. Is someone helping me or merely an obstacle?
  • 4
    @F1973 Well, when it comes to finding purpose, stopping emotional disturbances, feeling fulfilled. This is the remedy I know. I doubt you'll find a better one. That's it from me. Good luck in your search
  • 6
    Maybe the key is having a goal in the first place?
  • 2
    @justamuslimguy what if everything is ultimately meaningless?
  • 9
    I learned this the hard way in the company that brought me to devRant back in 2018. I became a team lead and found myself caring about the team and its members. Before I took over, they were at a bottom pit, they get scolded by the managers all the time. I made it a mission to change that and in almost a year, we gained everyone's trust.

    One re-org later, we were all separated from one another and everything went to waste. We still ate lunch together and it was full of complaints about the re-org and how lazy their team mates are. I left due to depression and one by one, my team members left. The other teams followed. In the end, I wasted three years of my life in there.

    I lost my job because I couldn't get out of bed anymore. But I don't regret it since I learned from it and eventually doubled my salary but I'll never do that again. These days I just focus on my own goals. I support my team mates but I put myself first.
  • 1
    @iiii I think it's pretty irrational to think everything is meaningless. We don't live our lives like that's the case. If everything is meaningless then nothing is worth doing. Don't eat, sleep, wake up in the morning. Don't live even, why should you? What differentiates life and death if neither have any meaning?
  • 5
    @justamuslimguy life and death do not have any meaning. Any meaning is only your personal fantasy you've invented for yourself or more commonly stolen from someone else.
  • 7
    @justamuslimguy

    You dont need religion to have a purpose, that is just some bullshit that your imam or parents forced on you.
  • 0
    @iiii But you don't live like what you said is true. If neither have meaning, why are you still afraid to die? Why don't you do daring feats no other human would do, secure in your knowledge that life and death have no meaning?
  • 6
    @rutee07 are you okay recently? I hope so.
  • 3
    @justamuslimguy I do live like that. And I've lost ability to have emotional attachments to humans as well, so I don't have the problem OP has.

    And I am not afraid to die. I am merely afraid of pain which will be prior to death. If not that I would not be here right now because I don't find anything meaningful and/or useful in my life.
  • 0
    @Linux Is the existence of life purposeful or accidental? If purposeful some being had a purpose in making it happen, if accidental, then how can one find true purpose in a life that was ultimately an accident of certain chemicals colliding in a certain way to form certain large molecules/amino acids randomly by chance?
  • 8
    @iiii Yes, life has been improving so my rants have less rage. There are ups and downs but not as bad as before.
  • 2
    @justamuslimguy and have you ever heard of such thing as instincts? Like an instinct of self preservation which works even in brainless slugs. Life does not have to have any meaning for an organism to continue to live.
  • 2
    @rutee07 good to hear.
  • 10
    @justamuslimguy

    People are fully capable of creating their own purpose.
    There are many atheists or anti-theists that work with something that they feel is meaningful. You do not need to be created by something in order to have a purpose.

    // end of discussion.
  • 0
    @iiii Please call someone you know, some loved one in your life. You need help if you are thinking about taking your own life so seriously...
  • 0
    @iiii But even brainless slugs have meaning and purpose :)

    Instincts are there but if you know that life is meaningless, you know that those instincts are meaningless to. We are not slaves to our instincts especially if we recognize that they are themselves a result of our accidental existence.
  • 7
    @Linux I'm curious as to what people will say here, but I'm not sure one with "lots of empathy" can really tune in down.

    @justamuslimguy Accidental. Religion often (of not always) comes from a fear of the unknown. But anyway, OP doesn't want to talk about it here, so let's leave it at that. You seem like a good enough human being, so you can believe in whatever you want, I won't mind :)

    @rutee07 Glad to hear that, little one! Xoxo
  • 5
    @justamuslimguy where are they saying they're gonna commit suicide? Get outta here mate, lmao
  • 2
    @justamuslimguy I have no one I love. I am not sure whether I can love anymore.

    And I'm not talking about taking my life but merely about not much difference between continuing to exist and stopping it.

    And to be totally clear, I don't have suicide thoughts anymore. I've had those before and the only thing that stopped me is a fear of pain and failure to achieve death.
  • 0
    @justamuslimguy slugs' only purpose is procreation. If you insist on such meaning then it is just sex and nurturing children.

    You are slave to your instincts even if you don't think you are. They are the base firmware of your meat existence and you cannot turn from them without damaging your body.
  • 0
    @Linux A purpose you create for yourself is just a fantasy and an illusion. If you are yourself an accident of the universe, anything you create is also an accident of the universe. And no matter how much you feel the things you work with are meaningful the fact is that they are not.

    Your feelings don't supersede the facts. And if the fact is that we are accidentally existent, then there is no feeling in the world that changes that fact and makesa accidents somehow meaningful and purposeful.
  • 0
    @Elyz the comment is gone now. He said he does not fear death, only the pain of death, otherwise he would not be alive right now
  • 3
    @justamuslimguy feelings do not change facts, but change internal state of the feeler which is a factual change by itself.
  • 0
    @iiii no one is slave to their instincts. If you say having sex is instinctual, there are many lifelong celibates. If you say procreation is instinctual, many refuse to have kids. If you say fear of death is instinctual, many take their own lives.Any instinct can be overcome
  • 2
    I think its not about disconnecting yourself. I think that if you try to feel happy about everything you do, it becomes way easier to lose the things you see as important. Though its not helpful for personal goals
  • 0
    @justamuslimguy any of those are the result of environmental influence of a larger magnitude than the influence of an instinct.
  • 0
    @justamuslimguy I don't think that's an unreasonable statement. I also don't fear death.
  • 0
    @iiii Fine, but the fact will always remain that trying to say you have a purpose when you believe life is meaningless is just you trying to feel something inherently at odds with your belief.

    My feelings are consistent with my belief.
  • 0
    @Elyz Forgive me if I was wrong, but maybe you can see why it was concerning.
  • 7
    @justamuslimguy
    >Your feelings don't supersede the facts,

    The facts is clear - there is no evidence of a higher power. And if a higher power exist - it has not manifested itself.

    You are trying to preach to someone who has already spent a lifetime in the illusion called religion. And all kind of arguments you throw at me is the same as everyone else, or as I myself did back when I was religious. And those are full with fallacies.
  • 0
    @iiii What proof do you have of that? Why could it not have been the result of willpower stronger than instinct?
  • 6
    @justamuslimguy your belief is as meaningless as any other belief. It's just a way to lie to yourself about the state of the world.
  • 1
    @justamuslimguy "willpower stronger than an instinct" is itself a product of environmental influence combined with existing instincts as well.
  • 11
    @justamuslimguy GG on hijacking a thread to be an absolute nerd with religion which the OP didn't want. 10/10
  • 8
    "I dont know, therefore God"
  • 6
    You asked, so here's my two cents:

    I would occasionally focus on the bad things, and how this person/org has made me feel. Just remembering how bad I felt, how disappointed I was, and how unfair it was to be treated a certain way, keeps me from crawling back and being overattached. Caring is not a problem. Over-caring is.

    This doesn't help you disconnect, but it helps you keep a realistic view of things.
  • 0
    @Linux There is evidence. You can read it yourself.

    You may not feel it meets your standard of evidence. But there is certainly no evidence for the existence of a purposeful or meaningful life for a person who believes life and all of existence is accidental and meaningless. That can never be true because it is contradictory to its own self.

    You may feel the case for belief in God is shabby but it's at least a consistent belief which makes rational sense and isn't logically untenable.
  • 6
    Here
  • 0
    @iiii Willpower which overcomes instinct is a result of instincts and environmental influences? But why are environmental influences not a slave to instinct if every organism is a slave to instinct?

    How can only beings that are slaves to instinct produce something which defeats instinct?
  • 1
    @justamuslimguy because environment is external, obviously. 🤦‍♂️
    Nothing humans do defeats instincts. Nothing. We are the same slaves to base programming as all other living beings.
  • 0
    @Linux I know. But even if I didn't. Wouldn't a consistent belief that has shaky evidence trump a logically impossible belief?
  • 0
    @iiii No, environment is created by organisms, each of which is a slave to their instinct.
  • 7
    @justamuslimguy

    No, there is not. The quran is not evidence. You can point to the quran and say "see, the quran says that god exist, therefore it is true!"
    That is called circular reasoning.

    And what does "purpose" have to do with the existence of a higher being? Nothing.

    Religion makes people twist the meaning of the words "rational, truth, proof/proven" into something that is not even close to the actual meaning of it.

    And stop, unless you bring actual evidence that is not the quran and can be verified by different people despite their religious or political belief I am not interested in listening what you are saying.

    The burden of proof is on people that claims something extra ordinary.
  • 5
    @justamuslimguy ever heard of complex systems which emerge from simple parts? Ecosystem is a such system.

    Use your brain, please.
  • 0
    @iiii Yes they can but they can't form a system which destroys the very drive which brought them to form a system in the first place.

    You said we are slaves to our instincts. Name an instinct which humans cannot overcome.
  • 8
    "Do what thou wilt" shall be the whole of the Law.
  • 2
    @justamuslimguy they can. Heard of pandas? Those lazy fuckers don't even have much desire to procreate. Why do people care about them at all?
  • 3
    @Elyz I think the instinctive fear of death is something you encounter when you're dying or close to death
  • 2
    @Linux you are the one claiming something extraordinary, that we exist accidentally and yet have meaning and purpose. You prove that.

    We don't need Quran to prove God exists. Our existence is proof of a creator. We are driven beings who feel an inherent need to find purpose in our lives. We have meaning and we have purpose and we couldn't have those things if we came to exist accidentally.
  • 2
    @SortOfTested

    The best one!
  • 1
    @hubiruchi But then there are monks like the one who self immolated to protest the Vietnam War and he sat their calmly with no fear while he burned to death
  • 3
    @SortOfTested libertarian intensifies
  • 5
    @justamuslimguy

    No, you claim that a higher being exist, I just say that there is no proof of it. I don't claim anything.
    And no, I did not say that.
    I said that our existence is accidental, but we can create our own purpose. I did not say that our purpose "exist". Strawman much?
  • 1
    @justamuslimguy okay, what meaning and purpose we have?
  • 2
    @SortOfTested I've heard that in God of Highschool anime... 🤔

    It was "do what you want" maxim.
  • 1
    @justamuslimguy it could easily be a will stronger than the fear of death . I do not believe that on your last breath you will not choose to continue living if you could. That's the meaning of fear of death- choosing life over death.
  • 4
    @hubiruchi
    Not at all, that's LaVeyan satanism.
  • 1
    @Linux So you claim our existence is accidental and we have no true purpose and any "purpose" anyone describes is just an illusion and a fantasy and is not real?

    That's a bold claim with no proof to back it up. I do things with purpose. I choose what I do when I want to do it and my choices aren't purposeless. But you claim they are. I claim I can have purpose because I was created with the ability to make purposeful movements. You claim we are simply making a series of accidental movements, the outcome of which doesn't matter at all. The bolder claim with the lowest amount of proof is yours.
  • 3
  • 2
    @SortOfTested OOOH, that's why it was so familiar. I've read that one and sort of approve it.
  • 2
    I enjoyed everyone's comments. And they were thought provoking. We share a lot more in common than what we differ about. Namely we are all very interested in the ages-old questions about the true nature of meaning and purpose.
  • 2
    @F1973 You'll have to have a personal goal in the first place. One you feel passionate about. Passion will focus you on the goal instead of circumstances.
  • 4
    What the fuck guys!!!!

    This blew up in the wrong way.
  • 1
    It really depends I think. What is it costing you? do you have better options they you are throwing away?

    For me, I know that should be making more for my skills but I can't find another job due to health reasons.

    But years ago, I realized on Life's big picture point of view, it's just not worth the trouble and stress. Plus my boss is very flexible, laid back... Which is sort of rare...

    So I guess you need to take an objective point of view. Sort of like stock trading, Ideally you should have an exit strategy before buying anything.

    So basically for you it would be something like when you find a job that meets X criteria, just go for it.

    Assuming there cost of trying isn't very high and well you are prepared. It's a waste of everyone's time and mostly yours if you go to an interview and can't answer any one the questions.
  • 2
    @justamuslimguy there is no meaning to life and the purpose is whatever you want it to be or whatever God pre-destined it to be.

    The latter of which from your point of view is the same as whatever you want it to be.

    @Elyz but mindfulness and meditation could be in a sense connecting with God.

    I actually was thinking about this during my last surgery. I'm agnostic but realized there sort of two views of the idea of God.

    Eastern: spirit, direct connection or God being a part of you.

    (Looking back there's a lot of things in life that seem to have fallen perfectly into place for me. Like "there was a reason for everything". Though that could just be hindsight plotting an optimal path from all my experiences til now...)

    Western: God being an all powerful bring that communicates prophecies through the Church
  • 3
    @donuts I'm aware of this but for me meditation and reflection have no connections to divinity or any higher being.

    My final remark on the topic: I find it frustrating how people keep discussing religion in this thread when OP specifically stated they weren't looking for advice in that direction 🙃
  • 2
    @justamuslimguy I'm not afraid to die but I have no interest in proving myself to others or curing diseases like covid and cancer.
  • 2
    @F1973 sorry 😐
  • 2
    @iiii Hahaha no worries. I hope you guys didn't fight or argue much.
  • 2
    @F1973 well, at least you feel connected to people you work with. In my case everything is so meh and I feel no connection to people whatsoever
  • 1
    @iiii Wait for my next rant.. Having been waiting to push since morning.
  • 1
    @F1973 *waiting initiated*
  • 0
    @iiii posted.
  • 2
    Wow this thread really blew up.

    My 2 cents: I find a lot of comfort in temporary goals to take me forward and improve myself or help my friends/family. One can always take philosophical stances and argue yourself into a depressed state. So therefore I suggest dealing with things in a way you are comfortable with and try to find enjoyment in something as it should be able to take you forward somewhat
  • 2
    Just joining this now and reading ideas about divine. Ideas against divine split into two main claims. “I can see enough about this existence that I believe there is nothing divine.” and “The burden of proof is on someone else and is currently insubstantial.”

    We know that there are structures of reality that are far outside of our understanding. There are natural phenomenon that perplex us. There are many things that happen with astronomically low probabilities. The deeper into the details we go, the greater the uncertainty is about key parts of existence. Unknown far exceeds the known.

    Lack of evidence can’t disprove something. What we can present as evidence now is dependent on the access to evidence and what is considered admissible. There is more insubstantial evidence for things you experience in a given moment than substantial based on access and admissibility.

    That is why I was open to the possibility of a higher power.
  • 5
    @irene lack of evidence is not a proof of inexistence. That's true. But lack of evidence also does not proove existence of divine as well.
  • 0
    @iiii Ah yes. I see you found my second point.
  • 4
    @irene
    Atheists don't generally assert there is no god, just that there is no evidence of god as it is defined. The general consensus is three fold:

    - An absence of evidence is not proof a theory ( https://google.com/amp/s/... )
    - The burden of proof is always on the positor; demanding the exhaustive negation case be proven when a positive case is all that is needed is illogical, unreasonable.
    - Divinity is a proposition that requires complex litugrical and rhetorical establishment to remain viable; occam's razor bends the other way.

    The argument you refer to is classically known as the "infinite regression proposition." The universe is effectively infinite, every cause has an effect, so if you regress/reduce everything to its original state the only possible root/start of everything is god. This sort of ontological premise exists to force opponents to try and prove that a paradox is not a paradox. P=NP. The cake is not a lie.

    It's fine to believe in whatever you want, but asserting that it's logical and not faith is a step too far.
  • 1
    @SortOfTested the kake is not a lie. I ate it.
  • 2
    @SortOfTested terrible advice for national budget planning though
  • 1
    @RememberMe
    "Print money, because none of it is real"
  • 2
    Is there really any difference between believing in divinity or there is none? Both are a only products of our thought, so it is beliefs²

    Also @SortOfTested a great explanation of this "infinite regression proposition" but I don't understand why is it an explanation of god?
  • 2
    @hubiruchi
    It's not an explanation of god. It's a rhetorical trap used in metaphysical arguments to assert that in order to prove god doesn't exist, the other party will need to examine every particle in the universe, in every state it has ever been in back to the beginning of time and prove the singularity that spawned the universe isn't the result of god.

    The reality is, it's pretty simple. God comes by for a beer and I'm all in.
  • 2
    @SortOfTested I can't say I agree that the last part is the way, but I don't believe in missionary about any thought so I will only say that if you don't get that beer you should probably buy it for yourself ;-)

    Thanks for the explanation about the fallacy
  • 1
    @hubiruchi
    I'm fairly confident its not happening. Just a reasonable middle ground.
  • 0
    @SortOfTested I never said it was logical. More-so not illogical.
  • 0
    @SortOfTested also “God comes for beer” is interesting because of the God coming to earth narrative in our history. If God hasn’t met you for beer does it also mean that God hasn’t met anyone for beer?
  • 1
    @F1973 well, this post escalated quickly 😂
  • 1
    Its easier to not even think about it as an “attachment.” As soon as you believe some invisible rope or force is pulling you into this “negative place,” you’ll have it. The accumulation of fear, anger, or discontent towards any object/concept in your mind over time will only make it more real to you, but is it real?. At first, you might think it is coming from outside towards you. But it is you who are in control.
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