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!dev

Now I realized something the other day, completely out of the blue, and I can’t put my finger on whatever triggered it - and I need to vent it, and since the only friend who I could share these thoughts with has disappeared off the face of Earth, dR is my only choice. So here you go, a short story of a love story gone horribly wrong because of my stupidity and how it’s still haunting me:

I had a relationship once, which started when we where in high school and lasted for half a decade. Still the happiest time of my life so far, and it seemed like we where made for each other. Then, one day something just went wrong in me: I had been distressed and anxious for some time, and I wrongly thought it was because of the relationship, so one day I just... got up from our bed, gathered my stuff and left when she was still sleeping. It was an unbelievably shitty thing to do, and I both cannot to date believe I could’ve been such a worst kind of an asshole to do such a thing and hate myself every day of doing such a dick move. It isn’t made any easier by the fact that it was only in my mind at that time where everything wasn’t good as it could be. Because it was. To date I have not found an answer to the question: why did I leave?

It hit her hard. It hit me hard, too, a few months down the road when it suddenly dawned to me what I had done. Alas, there are those things which cannot be undone. It broke me for a very long time. I had relationships since, yes, but they didn’t really mean much to me... she ended up moving as far away as possible (pretty much literally), partially because she didn’t want anything to remind her of our time together. Ok, story over, life goes on...

... except it doesn’t. Fair enough, I’ve married some time ago and nothing’s really awry per se. Then the other day it just hit me out of the blue, a decade after the aforementioned breakup: even my wife is really a surrogate for what she was for me. It feels absolutely horrible and so wrong to say it, and it’s thrown me completely off balance... a decade has gone by, and I haven’t been able to let go in my heart despite my best efforts.

I’m a sad and pathetic piece of shit.

Comments
  • 0
    Man that sucks.

    If you need someone to talk to or just someone to listen, I am here for you bro.

    If you use Telegram, feel free to HMU anytime @Floydimus
  • 4
    As punishment, you will be serving me for the rest of your life. Get back to work, you piece of shit.

    Seriously though, maybe therapy would help. It happened in the past and it's gone. I know you can't help but feel that way but you might end up having your present wife become a part of the past too and you will regret that too. You could just be romanticizing that relationship. It's easy to do that with nostalgia.
  • 2
    @F1973 thanks bro.

    But no, it’s just how it is, and the only person I need to talk it through with is that friend of mine who is probably hopefully resurfacing soon
  • 2
    @rutee07 I know I’m romanticizing it.

    It’s just that even back then I couldn’t explain why the fuck did I do what I did. Still can’t.

    Oh well, back to therapy I guess... don’t want to live in a past.
  • 1
    Been in her shoes, and I can say for sure that unless she has an obsessive personality, she has moved to greener meadows.
    And one day she won't hate you anymore. She won't love you either. She just doesn't care about you. She won't remember your face. You're just a memory of "another one" of those who were not even capable of properly loving her.

    Dunno if that's good or bad, but thought you should know the other side too.
  • 0
    @NoMad thanks for the reminder, but I know the other side. She’s got her life where she wanted it to be. And I have no wish of meddling - I’m just happy for her.
  • 3
    @100110111 not my point. Point is, you're the only one stuck in that feeling. You're all alone in those feelings you're drowning yourself in 😛

    Also, it is abso-fucking-lutely your loss. Like, I have wished an ex or two the same exact hell you're stuck in and I legit hope they get there too. Lololol. Just imagine. They totally deserve it.
  • 1
    @NoMad well amen to that.
  • 1
    @100110111 does it make you feel better knowing that she probably wished this on you? Hehehe
  • 1
    @NoMad don’t know how it makes me feel. Don’t even know if she wished it or not, cause I didn’t tell the whole story - which may or may not make a difference. It matters little. I totally deserve it tho.
  • 3
    @100110111 you do.

    Now, find a therapist and get your shit together. 😛
  • 0
    Did you ever apologise her for fucking up like that and explain your regret and that don't know why you did it? That's the first step to getting over it.

    What was done, was done, and it will follow you everywhere. Luckily you can choose to embrace the life you have now and focus on living it the best you can.
  • 1
    @electrineer oh multiple times.
  • 0
    Well, you're (or were) an asshole. But in the end, events like these, the ones you never forget, are those that move you forward as a person the most. You shouldn't try to forget about it, but you definitely need to accept it and move on, you're even married now for fucksake.
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