45
inawhile
226d

PROGRESS IS A LIE.

Let ME tell YOU: I'm NOT entirely sure what pisses me off the most. Game development sites where the vast majority of users can't CODE FOR SHIT, or programming sites that are just packed up to the FUCKING BRIM with web developers bitching about SEMICOLONS. I mean WAT. You ought to BLOW harder than a DICK RIPPING VACUUM CLEANER.

And like why is the web the center stage of FUCKING EVERYTHING but it still runs like SHIT. And why in the fuck are all these suitwearing FARTDRINKING MOTHER FUCKERS talking about USER EXPERIENCE when they CLEARLY don't give a single AIDS infected monkey rectum about it and continue to DEFECATE in the general direction of the consumer?

Honestly, this world is FUCKED upright but NOT because of that one mob of cunt-fearing JERKOFFS that dedicate their lives to waving around their PRICKS in everybody's faces just to show off how up the COCKSUCKING social scale they be. NAH, NAH. This world is fucked upright because if ANYTHING FUCKING WORKS, FUCKED IF ANYBODY KNOWS HOW.

We ACTIVELY promote ignorance. I know I do. I even use the tagline "This program takes care of X so you don't have to think about it". I even tell students "YOU DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT" on a daily basis! I mean WE'RE JUST FUKED OVER HERE. There's no time to explain shit, just press the STUPID FUCKING BUTTON!! IT MAKES THING HAPPEN.

OH, BUT NOW THE BUTTON IS BROKEN AND I AM DEAD SO WHOS GONNA FIX IT. ANYBODY?

A hundred and fifty years later, some random peterstroking WANKER decides to use my goddamn femur as a fukkin CRACKPIPE and automatically experiences multiple simultaneous instances of shitting his pants like there's no tomorrow, after which he decides to step up to the challenge and bang his head against the keyboard for DECADES causing himself severe and irreversible BRAIN DAMAGE, and VOILA the STUPID FUCKING BUTTON WORKS AGAIN.

WELL, KINDA.

You see, THERES THIS ONE TESTICLE PUNCTURING BUG ON LINE WHATEVERTHEFUCK THAT MAY JUST RUIN YOUR LIFE BUT WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT? No one's going to fix it so just PRESS the STUPID FUCKING BUTTON!

Easy answers to hard questions! Instant solutions to lengthy as fuck problems! Sleepy? Take a pill! Can't get it up? Take a pill! Want to fucking die? TAKE A PILL! THERES A PILL FOR EVERYTHING! Only $99.99 big sale pay for two and take one, just for you and DOnT MiSS oUT oNT HIS OPPORTUNITY.

Oh, yes, OPPORTUNITY. THERE IS ONLY OPPORTUNITY. What kind of rancid, virulent cheese ferments on the BALLSACKS of these people? Do they ACTUALLY believe that shit?! Or even worse, THEY DON'T. They KNOW they bullshitting YOU AND THEMSELVES. But they CANNOT possibly conceive of another mode of being! So they continue to live falsely and be a super HUMONGOUS DICK buried DEEP within the ANUS of HUMANITY.

AND I KNOW I SHOULDVE SAID "ANNALS" BUT I REALLY NEED TO GET THE BUTTFUK IMAGE ACROSS AND I CANNOT TAKE CHANCES. I WAS VIOLATED. SOMEHOW, I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHY, ALL MY FONTS WENT FROM GLORIOUS DOS CP437 OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU CALL IT I DONT CARE, IT WENT FROM THAT TO FUCKING ANTIALIASED BLAND BULLSHIT AND I SPENT WAY LONGER THAN I SHOULDVE FIXING IT.

AND PEOPLE HAVE THE GALL TO ASK WHY I WANT THE DOS CHARSET, FUCK YOU. THE DOS CHARSET RULES. YOUR ROUND UNICODE HEARTS ♥ ARE SHIT. I WANT THE DOS ONE. THE ONE THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE A SQUARE BUTT. NOW THAT IS A HEART. THAT IS LOVE. I CAN COLLECT RUPEES WITH THAT.

BUT WHAT DO I GET WHEN I CHANGE THE FONTS BACK? GIBBERISH. GIBBLEDYGOOK OR HOWEVER THE CHOKING FUCK YOU SPELL THAT. ALL I CAN SEE IS ïGPâ∞ΓÖÑΓÖú-NAΓÖÇ"8"┬úNΓûêëGDïGXïG\à└tX°ƒ÷─D{Wφï=|ëA╖▓VèA≤
(]AF╖╙f┬f╩èö7l7x7ä7Å7╢7╞7╠7╤7╪7α7∙78

I EDIT REGISTERS. I READ POST AFTER POST ON SHITTY SUPPORT SITES. TRY ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER. DO ALL SORTS OF FUCKED UP SHIT AND I STILL CANT GET MY 1981 HEARTS AND SMILY FACES TO SHOW UP.

OH AND WHAT ABOUT ALL MY ARTSY CONSOLERAT EXES? ALL FUCKED. GREAT. NOW I REALIZE THAT MY LEGACY IS NOT EVEN PORTABLE.

I AM ABOUT TO GO ON A KILLING SPREE, BUT AH. I DID IT. SOMEHOW. I FUCKING DID IT. I RESTORED PEACE TO MY KINGDOM. ALL IS WELL. AND I DONT FUCKING KNOW HOW. IT JUST WORKS NOW. SEE, JUST PRESS THE STUPID FUCKING BUTTON. IT DOES THE THING GET \0X24\0X24\0X24_SUKL_COQ_FUK94.BAT FROM THIS LINK TODAY AND SAVE ON YOUR NEXT PURCHASE PLUSPLUS GAIN A CHANCE TO HAVE ONE OF OUR FRONTEND DEVELOPERS GRAB A JUICY HANDFUL OF YOUR OWN BACKEND. WINK WINK.

IM DONE. NOW PLEASE LET ME DIE.

Comments
  • 0
    Still Reading......
  • 5
    You may die.. inawhile.
  • 1
    @rutee07 Quite soon actually I'd think, if he doesn't get that heart attack seen to.
  • 0
    That was one hell of a rant to read, have my favorite!
  • 0
    GOING AS FAR AS FORCING EVERY SINGLE WEBSITE TO USE THE DOS CHARSET NOW

    VICTORY IS MINE
  • 3
    Wow a real rant. Thanks, I needed that.

    Btw, congrats on discovering that "User experience" is a euphemism for "Conversion optimization".
  • 5
    @inawhile More of a PETSCII man myself, but the DOS ASCII font is quite sexy.
  • 3
    This felt good... (Apparently good rants are like a drug)

    Im so fucking Happy you got it to work! So fucking amazing!!

    This BS pisses me off as well, the way we automate the fuck out of everything and even a literal retard can use it, but now we're surprised all users are retards.

    But then I want something simple, like downloading a fucking picture from a website and It's sitting there on my screen and I can't get to it without googling the fuck out of what Blobs are and how to piece the image together from 128x128 fucking chunks or whatever (thanks google Drive... Real shit you fling my way...)

    Im getting mad just thinking about this... And then some motherfucker had the gal to DMCA youtube-dl... I was on the edge of forming a cult over this shit at that point -_- good thing it got resolved, the world doesn't need another killdozer
  • 1
    I have to say, this really got my rocks off. I’m sorry that you had to go through pain to make this happen, but just know I am one pleased gentleman.
  • 0
    You should see unity development and know some unity devs. Oh boi.
  • 0
    Give this man the keys to the devrant kingdom.

    Now THAT, is a motherfucking
    RANT!

    Not one of your motherfucking memes. This was hard-coded, raw, ranting.

    I'm gonna print it out, hang it on my wall in the bathroom and read it every time I take a shit.
  • 2
    Man this was tasty, gives me "can't parse HTML with regex" vibes... All that's missing is zalgo
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