some personal problems + retrospection post on life and introvert-ism . read on if you feel so, i just want to take this out...

Am currently working from home in home owned by my family, with expenses worth 10% of our family income / 40% of my income if i had to handle all by myself . there's rarely a reason for me to go out and overall am at an... average place in my life. not too bad, not to good. if i have to make a luxury, its gonna cost me a few years but am gonna afford it. sad but OK.

my problem is my nature, my family's nature and the fear of problems given by the society that i have to eventually face.

let me start from the problems given by the societies. some of you are gonna laugh on these because for you these are just normal scenarios that you rarely ever face and usually WIN at these. but for people like me (mainly me) these problems are real, and i really don't know how to deal with them.

i am talking about bullies, corrupt police guys, or bulky goon-ish empowered people( in hindi we call them 'gunda' type people ) : those who are loosers but actually have the power, like some guy on the road who recklessly scratched/banged your car with theirs, or some guy who is standing in front of you in a movie hall and when you ask "hey dude, sit down" , he would say ", no i want , what you are gonna do?" ( ok bad example but there are people who immediately come up to argument of " what are you gonna do?" ).
i haven't found a way to win from these people .
i feel meek and stupid about this, but "I can't do anything about this"/some other smart non fight/non alpha move is what i usually take .
moreover i feel meek and stupid about why i can't feel the same like them ever . like why can't i ever feel confident in saying someone "no i am not doing this. what are you gonna do" because i feel they can do a LOT but when the roles are switched they are pretty confident that "i", can't do the any harm

This is either my over conscious head talking or some real life meta scenario, but there are some situations which feels like a booby trap to me. situations that usually happens in offices , where there are smoke gatherings or bear parties or boss ass licking parties, things that I can't be a part off, and the unnecessary pressure of joining that comes with those.
where boss's ass licker could come up with some cheeky question that you will be too awkward to answer because you can't come with an equally witty/ ass licking/self boasting answer. i am too bad at social dynamics.
apart from that the situations of alpha beta comes at those gatherings too where the boss is not the one to please. like some chics of office are sitting. then by the nature, guys will attract to those like some bees to nectar. simpletons like me would go and try to impress/make connection by the sheer knowledge and nature. because that's all i have( if any female gender is reading this , its still 2021 and you are not gonna be wooed by some beer belly timid short creepy guy , right ? also, no the guy doesn't have a house full of cash or billionaire heritage) . but then some dumbass hulky macho beard square jaw guy would come and try to macho-fy everyone : to me by breaking me down on shitty things, and to those girls by showing ho he can break any timid guy around.
^--- this macho-ism or whatever these guy shows, i want to either have it or find a way to encounter it. but unfortunately i can't

Till class 1-12 i was a guy from poor family, in a school full of rich, spoilt students. i have seen way to many macho people and got crushed a million times. today am in a company where just because i don't call anyone sir and have always met them behind screen with a close camera, i have been able to rise up to a position where some ofthe biggest changes and decision scenarios are being made by involving me, i am being appreciated by my knowledge and being given bigger and bigger responsibilities and bigger benefits: just yesterday i opened my laptop for 30 mins only and that was it. ONE FULL WORKING DAY SALARY = 30 MINS OF LAPTOP WORK!!

I got all this because of my virtual image and knowledge and not my personality.i am living life of a cunning ass boss's dick licker hulky guy (without girls ) . but my personality is so shit that am not gonna get any of that in a scenario where i have to interact with people. rather i/people like me are those who end up doing even more work just because the above mentioned guys could live a life i just described.


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    ps : these are just work related problems. similar situation os gonna come if i ever decide to live on my own : the responsibilities , everyone (the cleaner, sweeper, landlord, grocery guy, repair guy, some guy trying to block me from parking, sone corrupt police giy, some thief,... list goes on) trying to be a macho on me and just getting a better deal in every interaction/ bargain we would come up.

    how are you people dealing with life?
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    Half of the issue seems societal / cultural: That these asshole traits seem to be accepted or even appreciated.
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    As such, also your options depend on what's socially accepted, and personally I can't help you with that (for India). However my general advice would be to gain some self confidence, part of which is feeling well in your body (and you can work on that).
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    That’s a lot there.

    How often do you actually have to deal with people like this? Do you think it’s a real threat or is it mostly what you think is going to happen?

    I grew up feeling that the whole world was a threat and even though I didn’t live in the nicest place, most of the threat was in my head. I had massive social anxiety and assumed that people just wouldn’t like me.

    I’m not saying that those situations won’t ever happen but how likely is it day to day?
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    Phew a lot of stuff here indeed. Im not sure what to say about cultural stuff. I don't live in India and don't know your circumstances whilst I live a privileged life in a western country. I am an introvert person too and have generally a below average self esteem in general. But where I am very confident in is my professionalism and my skills. That was my getaway car to overcome my social anxiety in several aspects and gain more self esteem in other regions in my life. Maybe that's a good way for you too. Find out what you're good at and keep working on that. Maybe express this to the world and receive cheers which will motivate you. Don't hesitate to switch jobs to a employer which has a better culture. Maybe move to another city/region/country with "better people". But stick to your principles: never please asshole people's and trust in your abilities. Cut off negative people and invest your social resource to people who give something back. This will take long but will pay off.
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    @UnicornPoo if i am in room full of skinny less skilled awkward people, then never. but if i am in a room with just even one person that is better than me in any aspect, then surely i am somehow going to give them a chance to screw me, unintentionally.

    so maybe its mostly in head. i am very easy to talk with. i have made myself approachable using tactics which require me to be open , helpful, explaining , self doubting and on the whole approachable.

    i have literally been in a meeting where a qa was having confusions, nd invited the Backend dev for info.the backend dev lashed out at him.l, firstly for calling him without having a clarity on weather or not it was a backend issue , nd secondly for wasting his time.

    i am a very different person. i value my time but am also helpful and kind. that guy had called me first to understand what the problem is. he was being a lazy QA, but instead of lashing on him, i left my task and helped without being rude .
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    @UnicornPoo people connect with me as someone who can also make mistakes, someone who is also nerdy , someone who is also knowledgeable. but they soon realise that these skills could be taken an advantage off. that same guy later started being even more lazy, just sending screenshots of a bug without any context. so at the end i complained about him that I can't fix bugs without context . he later got a very strict bashing because some very senior management also observed that behavior, but the fact that i was his first and easiest victim makes me feel bad while i think about it
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    @BixelPitch yeah that's what am trying to do too. thanks
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