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Search - "do you feel private yet?"
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Father bought a PC in 1997. Back then very few had it. I learned doing things like accessing the internet and sending emails, among others. I remember having added age on websites to be allowed to sign up at times :P My sisters used to play games on it sometimes. The first few ones we had were Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation, Tomb Raider Chronicles, American McGee's Alice(Which caused us to upgrade the PC xD)... And some others.
I have a memory of this pseudo-3D-looking game where you move in a maze and try answering questions. I want to remember its name, but I cannot :(
We literally have video evidence of me liking the computer as a child, yet my parents either say I'm addicted or deny I've ever liked it before. Not only that, but continuously limiting my time with the PC hasn't been a literal obstacle in my way of trying to do things in their opinion. Funny how my parents think the last few years I've been my worst when they've hurt me in those years so much that our relationship is guaranteed not working out. There were doubts in my head before, but now it's cemented and there is no way of going back. Father, for example, tells me it's too late to do anything with a PC now(As well as how I've been unable to use the PC. He looks at these pro players' footage in some TV show and he's like, „You've been unable to use your hobbies“, as if they have never ever screamed at me for perceived gaming and not actually cared to check), and I need to look for a „real“ job.
Sorry. I went to bed at 2:00 in the morning. Feel like a zombie because of ongoing weirdly insufficient sleep, even though I sleep kinda more than normal. Even when I took Melatonine for that it didn't help at all.
Childhood was where beating began. I was about 6/7. Right when I entered school. The first school that I attended was a private one and supposedly for „Wunderkinds“, while in reality I haven't seen a SINGLE teacher or psychologist approve of it, their argument being that children were basically drowned in work that wasn't age-appropriate(I don't mean anything bad. Just that teaching about Galaxies and all in first grade isn't the brightest idea). There was always a mountain of homework to do and as opposed to some other countries, we had to do it on a day to day basis. We didn't have a week-long deadline. I was predictably not keeping up with it as I could have, had it been a normal amount, so my parents decided I didn't want to study and began their methods of getting me to „study“. I have yet to see a person able to keep up with that school's tempo, no matter the age.
This place was also where I got bullied. I felt I had nowhere to be: At home, the parents' situation, at school, the bully. I never really went outside to play with other children, so I missed that part of childhood.
After the second year of school I was transferred to an advanced German school, called like that because they taught German and not English there. I also got to learn a bit of Russian before they removed it from school. In that period I used to attend ballet. But for less than a year. And piano, which I remember having attended for quite a long while, some years, if my memory isn't fried. I quit it because of it having been forced on me. Last piece I ever played fully was Beethoven's Marmotte.
In this school I was once again the outcast of the class. I had some people to interact with. All of those interactions lasted a few years at most. Then, because of a part of my class choosing me as a laughing-stock N2 and another girl as the N1, I found my best friend, who I still have today. She's the only friend I have nearby.
Most of the time I hated myself. Even today I struggle with that sometimes.
After that came university. This us where I got something like a friend circle at last. But it still didn't last. I got in a relationship with one of the guys, but I was just attracted. There was another I couldn't dare getting close to. Turns out he also had something for me. Then he disappeared from our lives and a year after, I still cannot forget the person. If I want to, I have to deprive myself of my own personality. Not a thing I'm willing to give up. Then I broke up with the guy I was in a relationship with and completely disappeared from the friendship circle. To be honest, I had reasons to. They refused to even try to look for the guy and they called him a friend for years. Sometimes parents hitting me can occur even today, but if I REALLY piss them off.
Now I'm here and oh, my God, I'm officially am aunt now! My sister gave birth to a daughter this morning... She's in Berlin with mother and both she and the child are doing great. I just hope she manages to be a good mother.20 -
I failed at university, spent too long there without ever graduating. I learned a lot through self-study, though. The only company I worked at was an arrangement with a friend whose company needed people, so I stepped in, but eventually I deserted the job after the company went out of money and I went two months straight working without getting paid. Now I feel apprehensive of putting that job experience in my resume because I didn't come out of it in good terms with the company. I have many unfinished projects but keep them private on GitHub because I feel like the code is too bad to show off. How do I even get a job, now? Should I just quit the industry altogether? Aaaaaaaaaaaaa
Right now I'm just self-studying some things I had wanted to do since college (namely computer graphics and trying to build a game engine) but never actually got to study formally because I kept failing at the prerequisite courses because I always kept distracting myself from my studies and just not putting enough effort. Anyway, I'm willing to listen to your advice and your judgment alike. I feel somewhat confident that I can actually do a good job, but I also don't feel confident enough to apply for jobs since I always feel like my skills are lacking. I know about impostor syndrome, but at the core of it is the matter: is this impostor's syndrome, or am I in fact *actually* consistently bad and incompetent? Rationally speaking I tend to feel like the latter, yet I know the only thing I can do is to try and be better. I guess.
Anyway, completely unstructured thing, just me venting off my frustration and desperation in a place where at least people will read it and possibly offer some advice. Thank you for reading this far.4 -
// Rant 1
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Im literally laughing and crying rn
I tried to deploy a backend on aws Fargate for the first time. Never used Fargate until now
After several days of brainwreck of trial and error
After Fucking around to find out
After Multiple failures to deploy the backend app on AWS Fargate
After Multiple times of deleting the whole infrastructure and redoing everything again
After trying to create the infrastructure through terraform, where 60% of it has worked but the remaining parts have failed
After then scraping off terraform and doing everything manually via AWS ui dashboard because im that much desperate now and just want to see my fucking backend work on aws and i dont care how it will be done anymore
I have finally deployed the backend, successfully
I am yet unsure of what the fuck is going on. I followed an article. Basically i deployed the backend using:
- RDS
- ECS
- ECR
- VPC
- ALB
You may wonder am i fucking retarded to fail this hard for just deploying a backend to aws?
No. Its much deeper than you think. I deployed it on a real world production ready app way.
- VPC with 2 public and 2 private subnets. Private subnets used only for RDS. Public for ALB.
- Everything is very well done and secure. 3 security groups: 1 for ALB (port 80), 1 for Fargate (port 8080, the one the backend is running on), 1 for RDS postgres (port 5432). Each one stacked on top and chained
- custom domain name + SSL certificate so i can have a clean version of the fully working backend such as https://api.shitstain.com
- custom ECS cluster
- custom target groups
- task definitions
Etc.
Right now im unsure how all of this is glued together. I have no idea why this works and why my backend is secure and reachable. Well i do know to some extent but not everything.
To know everything, I'll now ask some dumbass questions:
1. What is ECS used for?
2. What is a task definition and why do i need it?
3. What does Fargate do exactly? As far as i understood its a on-demand use of a backend. Almost like serverless backend? Like i get billed only when the backend is used by someone?
4. What is a target group and why do i need it?
5. Ive read somewhere theres a difference between using Fargate and... ECS (or is it something else)? Whats the difference?
Everything else i understand well enough.
In the meantime I'll now start analyzing researching and understanding deeply what happened here and why this works. I'll also turn all of this in terraform. I'll also build a custom gitlab CI/CD to automate all of this shit and deploy to fargate prod app
// Rant 2
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Im pissing and shitting a lot today. I piss so much and i only drink coffee. But the bigger problem is i can barely manage to hold my piss. It feels like i need to piss asap or im gonna piss myself. I used to be able to easily hold it for hours now i can barely do it for seconds. While i was sleeping with my gf @retoor i woke up by pissing on myself on her bed right next to her! the heavy warmness of my piss woke me up. It was so embarrassing. But she was hardcore sleeping and didnt notice. I immediately got out of bed to take a shower like a walking dead. I thought i was dreaming. I was half conscious and could barely see only to find out it wasnt a dream and i really did piss on myself in her bed! What the fuck! Whats next, to uncontrollably shit on her bed while sleeping?! Hopefully i didnt get some infection. I feel healthy. But maybe all of this is one giant dream im having and all of u are not real9