The guy who did android dev before me in the company i work for, didn't get paid for 2 months, so he moved all the project files he worked on to an empty partition and locked the drive with Windows' BitLocker. He didn't give the password until he was fully paid. I kinda respect that guy.

One company i applied for never wanted to give me the job because they where building a prototype and they wanted someone familiar with their stack to get things up in a short time span.

*Fast forward 7 months*

The company i work currently with has been developing prototypes for startups to help validate their ideas and guess what, the bunch above came to our company unknowing that i work here and i have been put on the project as a lead.

Lol man, you cant write this stuff

Client: I want all cookies blocked on my computer.

Me: Are you sure? Some things won't work if i do that. Like using online banking.

Client: I don't use it, so it's fine.

*Two weeks pass. I have to come back and see three bankcards laying on the table*

Client: I'm not able to use online banking anymore. Can you fix it?

Come on! You pay me to give advice and help out with problems. The least you could do is listen.

There's this guy that sits next to me in a class.

Guy: Hey, you're a hacker right?
Me: I'm a programmer.
Guy: Can you hack into my email account?
Me: Nope, I work in a different field of computer science.

In reality, I want to give him a piece of my mind.

I already know his email so I open up the login page and enter it. I click "forgot password", and it asks for his favorite teacher's name. Keep in mind that he made this account this year.

Me: So anyways, who's your favorite teacher?
Guy: *proceeds to give me favorite teacher's name*
Me: 🤦‍♂️

I change his password and log into his account. After that, I show him and tell him about how he should keep his account secure.

He left class with a priceless look on his face.

<rant>
*Rules For Work*

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

</rant>

At work

Me: I need to check something or your pc, with you account

Girl with PC: I wont give you my password

Me: I already have your password

Girl with PC: .....

At work today.

Collegue: hey, if you continue like this, you'll be just like me in a year or so!
Me: as, so completely fucked up?
Boss: hahaha rekt!
C: okay gotta give you that one 🤣

Love those random moments :)

So I work in IT for the police. I just received an "unneeded" encrypted smartphone.

I had to reconfigure it, in order to give it to the next policeman. Unfortunately nobody knew the password and there is actually no way to reset this damn thing.Trust me, i did my research.

About 2 days later i receive an angry call by the policeman that should be using the phone by now.

Policemen: "Why is my phone not ready yet?"
Me: "it's encrypted and nobody has the password."
Policemen: "Well just ask the previous owner then!"
Me:"It's a little difficult..."
Policemen: "Why?!?"
Me: "He shot himself."

We were in a group project with about 7 people.

One of the guys who ran windows needed to work with arduino and couldn't get it to work after hours of trying.

I suggested Ubuntu and they immediately started to bash me for being 'that linux nazi'.

"shut your cock sucking mouths. I'm not a fucking linux nazi, at least give it a fucking shot."

Well, it worked from the first second.

Fuck those cock suckers

Manager: Hey what was that that you closed on your screen just now?

Dev: That popup? That’s NVIDIA letting me know that a new driver for my GPU is available.

Manager: Isn’t that for video games?

Dev: I mean that’s the reason many people opt into having a GPU but It’s not the on—

Manager: You are NOT allowed to play video games on your work computer!

Dev: This is my personal computer. It’s just an older GPU I popped onto this computer since otherwise it was just sitting in a drawer. My work computer is out of commission.

Manager: Well where is your work computer? How come you are not using it?

Dev: …Because of that blue screen of death issue we talked about yesterday.

Manager: Ok but that doesn’t give you permission to play VIDEO GAMES on your *WORK* computer.

Dev: …

What the crap is it with job applications and requiring freaking videos now?

I'm not some social butterfly that wants to be all friendly with everyone and a part of their goddamn lives. Give me a problem and/or some code and I'll happily make it work; give me an extrovert with a goddamn video call fetish and I'll fucking leave.

I'm an engineer, not your salaried girlfriend.

A customer called me in a stressed out state and asked me if I could get it up.

I kept my composure but politely told her to give me a little bit more to work with..

So because of the sheer number of interviews I’ve been doing I’m starting to get a bit brazen with them since I’ve started to really not give a fuck about most of them and I’ve started to notice patterns in common lines of questioning resulting in this unexpected gem today:

Interviewer: So we always start our devs off on the bottom end of our salary band.

Dev: Either give me the top or I’m not interested.

Interviewer: 😡. But if we start you at the top of the salary band we’ll have nothing to give you later. 🥺.

Dev: No need, I’ll take the money up front. Companies don’t give raises these days anyway, it’s just a carrot to dangle in front of the naive.

Interviewer: 😡. Well if all you care about is money so focussed on money you’ll just leave if a better offer comes around!

Dev: All the more reason to give me the highest number possible to defend against that possibility.

Interviewer: 😡. But there are other devs on the team with similar experience that will be making less than you.

Dev: Sounds like they fell for the negging and guilt tripping you are currently attempting on me in order to save a buck. Salary is not based on your skills or experience anymore, it’s based on your ability to negotiate. Here’s mine.

Interviewer: ………………. I’ll pass you along to the hiring manager.

Dev: ???? wtf

HOW THE FUCK DID THAT ACTUALLY WORK ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I WAS TRYING TO GET THEM TO HANG UP FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES AND NOW I’M LOOKING AT A 20K RAISE ALL BECAUSE I CONTINUALLY TOLD THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES??? THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT IT TAKES TO BE TREATED PROPERLY BY A COMPANY???

Boss: Give me unrestricted access in the system.

Me: It's dangerous. You might break something.

Boss: I'll be careful.

Me: *gives access*

This happened 2 years ago. Now every week he deletes something he shouldn't and break a module for him or for the clients using our system.

Just woke up in a rant email saying that "oUr OnLiNe StOrE DoEs NoT wOrK". Well, that's because you have delete the Cart configuration for all the clients you dumbass. What the fuck were you thinking when you deleted that?

BOSS: i will need your resume for this new project, can you make it?
ME: sure, but don't you have one?
BOSS: yes, but i would need it changed for a new details
ME: ok...

after work...

BOSS: we have a problem, remember that resume? we need it on english, and need it right now, can you translate it at home?
ME: ok, but give me a few minutes...

sends translated resume...
BOSS: ummm, it's not translated well, you didn't translate your education...
ME: the name of the school? you can't translate that...
BOSS: this lady asked for it, so do it...
ME: ok...

sends again...
BOSS: not quite there yet, you have Ć in your last name, translate that...
ME: translate my last name?
BOSS: yeah, this lady has a spell check and saw that incorrect...
ME: .....

im going to celebrate when i leave this itterate shithole

I don't care if you're a friend, acquaintance, or we fucking knew each other in high school!

If I fucking agree to do some free work for you, feel fucking happy about it! Don't fucking ask for more work or demand work or give me fucking deadlines just because you know me!

I'm doing you a fucking favor! Do you want me to send you the fucking invoice? I don't care if you're on a budget, I agreed to help you out, but don't you dare fucking cross the line!

I was an intern - as a high school student. They had no idea what to do with an intern, let alone a high school student that was only there around three hours a day.

They tried to saddle me with a massive "how to use Perforce" manual, but I flat refused and told them to give me some real work.

In the end I wound up writing a text parser in Python to get some specific info from some files. They decided it wasn't actually needed after I finished it (I don't think they expected me to), on my last week there. I just played solitaire the rest of the time. I learned a few things:

1. I never want to work at Adtran.
2. Perforce should die in a fire.
3. Experience != Expertise.
4. Don't be afraid to put yourself on the line if it means potentially accomplishing something.

I hired a guy on upwork. His english is shit. But hes done the work correctly. Fast forward today he asked me "off topic question but do u have any female friend who can accompany me to fuck?"

WTF IS THIS SHIT

That is not professional AT ALL. I dont give a shit about the fact he cant get no bitches so hes begging me as if im some kind of a pimp. On upwork?? Gtfo.

Now i understand why companies want to hire only people with college DEGREES because they have went through the process of conforming and dont ask stupid shit questions. Eliminates a lot of bullshit and Neanderthals like this guy

Ffs

My bosses, bosses, boss asked to call me up unexpectedly:
BBBoss:" Just wanted to say we are really happy with your performance, especially in these tough circumstances, ... "
Me thinking: "Ah, great I am getting laid off."
BBBoss: " ... which is why we decided to give you and extra 1000$ in you next paycheck."
Me: "??? ... for real."
BBBoss: "yes, thank you for your hard work."
Me: "I am still employed?"
BBBoss (laughs) :"Yes, we are happy to have you."

Today it's my birthday. Yesterday I was woken by my fiancé with breakfast and one gift. She had bought me the Raspberry Pi 3 B.
Now she had decided to give it to me on the Sunday so I could play with it right away instead of having to go to work and wait a whole week before I would have time play.

I Love You, Honey! More than you realize <3

Job offer: "All employees will be provided Macbooks"

Nope! Just nope.

Let your dev chose their equipment, thank you very much.

If they want a Linux laptop, buy them one. If they want a Windows workstation, give it to them. And if and only if they want a Macbook, give them a Macbook.

I used to work in two companies having the requirement to use a Macbook for two years.

I know its pros. I know its cons. My conclusion for me: Never again!

Manager: "If needed, are you willing to work overtime this month?"

Developer: "Yes. [ ... pause ... ] would you give me some over my salary for sometime?"

Manager: Yes, increment happens every 6 months.

Developer: "I am thinking beyond it".

Manager: "No, it is not possible"

Developer: "Okay"

** alarm clock vibrates **

Developer: "It is 5:00 PM now. I need to leave. See you on coming Monday at 9:00 AM sharp"

[Developer left]

Manager: "Byeeeee ... "

Got bored at work today and tried to write a program to do my job for me. Security and compliance saw it in the logs (trying to run unauthorized program) and came to give me a hug.

>be me
>graduate
>find job with a start-up
>offer me 1% share as signup bonus
>why the hell not
>make 50 dollars/hour
>lowkey they didn't give me any real work
>only had to write some simple ass JS functions for the website
>asked boss to work from home
>he accepted
>tfw i get paid to play games, watch tv shows and write the occasional shitty ass piece of code for 50 dollars/hour
>that's about 1 AAA game/hour

Stay in school. Get your degree, kids.

Frontend team : We pushed our code. Please give instructions regarding integration with Backend.

Me : Alright. I'll provide you the API docs and you can continue with integration.

F : But that's your job. No?

Me (didn't want to argue) : I'll look into it. Let me check out the frontend till then.

* Goes on to see the frontend *

I am kidding you not, that moth*rf*ck*r pushed an entire template along with dummy text.

Me : Hey! This doesn't seem right. It's just a template you got off the internet.

F : Yeah! That's what I have to do. To put on the dynamic content from database is your work. Don't put your responsibilities on me!!

Are you f*cking kidding me?! Do your work right or I am reporting you to the team lead!

Meanwhile, team lead : *sips coffee. Disappears for months*

Bastards!

Agency: "Why don't you do more free work for us? When you do that we can give you better jobs for money?"

Me: "so if I do free work for you, I get to do paid work as a reward? ..you know that I am a freelancer, not your employee, don't you?"

*agencysulking*

!Rant
Senior dev from another team comes up to me:
"you alright? Looks like you're struggling with something. Want me to give you a hand?"

And my personal favourite:
"feel free to slack me whenever you need help. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Only way to learn is to ask"

He also recommended me some books and resources to read.

I left work today motivated af!

Rating:
"1 star for now. Will give 5 stars if it can make me coffee, bring me breakfast in bed and drive me to work."

It's a digital assistant not a literal butler you troll!

All my unit tests work, all my component tests work, why the FUCK does it give me a 'Verification Failed' error?

1 hour later:
Oh wait this is the wrong public key

So my friend and I are trying to launch his bot in his Discord server. I'm typing node index.js: nothing. He tells me to delete the points.json folder. I try launching it again. NOTHING. I then ask him what I do then, so he sends me another .js file. Well it turns out I didn't have Node installed in the first place when I thought I already had. Give if take a good 10 minutes later, the bot is online. My favorite commands don't work because I was missing those files.

Guy at work put Assert.AreEqual(true,true) in a unit test!

Lord give me patience 😂

The fact you’re older doesn’t give you the right to call other people’s 8-months’ engineering effort “shit work”, especially if you didn’t even see the code...

Sincerely,
Your tech lead - me :)

"I can't work, my new computer is so slow. Please make it faster!"

I can't and won't make your computer faster, because you bought it yourself eventhough you said I should send you an estimate for a new one.
And the fucking software you complain about being slow is none of ours and neither did we install it you crackhead.
By the hammer of Thor, don't ever fucking call me again you shitpiece!
Next time you ask me for an estimate, I will give you my stump two-sided axe through your head while laughing hysterically.

All bankers are fuckers, fuckin assholes.

I went to bank today.
Gave my card to swipe and he gave me the machine to enter my pin
I entered it
But then it wasn't the actual PIN
Transaction failed

He retried it, but now he didn't give me the machine to enter the PIN, he asked me (whaaat...)
I denied to reveal my PIN
He asked me again and again I still denied.
At last that asshole cancelled the transaction.
And told me to write the deposit slip
Why should I write the slip when I have the card.
Whats wrong with that guy
Why should I give my PIN to him

These assholes come to work at 10 and leave at 3 and their pride is at the peak. They live on our money and showing superiority on us.

I hate them.

I FUCKING hate companies/startups/ANY WORK ENTITY that doesn't respond to job/internship applications , i don't care if it's a yes or a "your application is shitty and you are a shitty applier and there's thousands of appliers better than you" at least give me something to carry on with my internship search .

Even more hated are those who respond with a plethora of tests and don't answer back with results when you do them .

Our boss keeps mentioning that the company is good to people who put in long hours and work weekends. We're all salary and there's no extra money on the table; just references to bonuses.

I'm sure when I'm 75 and in hospital with pneumonia, the last thing going through my head will be, "Man, I wished I had worked more hours on that backend for the app for that fast food company that gives the world diabetes."

The company can't give me summer back. It can't give me a 30C day in the middle of the winter. Even asking employees to work long hours and on weekends constantly is a sign of poor management, poor planning and the inability to value people's individual time.

Came to work and there ware my boss and CEO waiting there next to my place.

"Hey, you remember that you mentioned yesterday that you had a break through and the thing is finally starting to do something? We have few journalist downstairs can we show them a demo in like five minutes?"

"Ok, give me five minutes and don't click here and there otherwise it blows up."

My boss came back from presentation after ten minutes that it doesn't work, after little investigation turns out to be hw issue, replaced hardware went to the conference room and it worked.

Crazy deadlines? No, just another day at work.

Yes! communication is key, but you gotta give me a little more to work with here.

I was laid off right before Christmas because my manager would not give me any work (bully.. possibly discrimination). I asked for work to do for 2 weeks, even coming up with things to contribute on my own. My contributions were rejected and the lead developer agreed with me that it was fucked up but did nothing. The little work that I was given was always completed above standard and the lead dev had made comments praising my self tasked contributions but each rejection I was told it would be shelved for version 1.2.

Finally fed up, feeling as though I was being completely ignored, I told the lead dev I was going home half day early if there was nothing for me to do. The next day the CTO fired me and even lied to my recruiter telling him that I had not shown up for work for 3 days (easily disproven).

It's now the first of the year, probably not the best time to be looking for a new job, and my current outlook is that I am not going to be able to pay my rent at the end of the month.

My motivation has diminished, my confidence is gone. Job prospects are few. I don't know how to proceed.

Everytime someone compliments me on my work all I can't think of is:

- ok,ok, shut the fuck up and give me a raise already.

Boss: We need health data for this iOS app.

Me: Cool, so we'll use apples HealthKit.

Boss: No that requires the user agrees to it.

Me: ... well yeah ... its private data.

Boss: No we need it to work regardless. If the user says no to HealthKit, just give them textfields for all the metrics HealthKit has and they can enter manually.

Me: .... but ... eh ....

Boss: and we'll partner with some companies and support their devices.

Me: ... see, the thing is ...

Boss: We also need to store it locally and then sync it to the cloud app. What do you think?

Me: ... ... ... no

Comment on a GitHub issue on one of my repos:

"Almond I posted this feature request last month, please start to work on it in your free time"

Dude, that's just made it a whole lot less likely I'll even give that feature request the time of day. Take your entitled arse attitude to the bank and pay me to do it if you care that much.

Also, free time?!?! Hahahaha.

Salesperson makes commission on sales, CTO gets bonus for going to out of office meetings, designer gets bonus for every design finished. What does the web developer get?

Answer: "we can't afford to give out bonuses just for doing your job."

There are 10 websites to build in the next 6 months, 3 brand new offices in different states that need it equipment ordered and installed by me, and the other 160 clients who all think their edits are most important.

And to top it all off, every time I give an estimate for the work, boss says "just give it to them." Gee, maybe you could afford to pay me a living wage or incentivize me to keep working 6+ hours a night at home if you stopped giving away everything I build for free.

You lower the value of my work and every other web developer out there when you tell clients that the website I built them isn't worth paying for. If every one of the free sites on my list was just charged the minimum $10k, I'm looking at $200k on this board that could have been used to hire me some help or increase my pay to make me feel appreciated.

I love my job and the people I work with, but when you aren't making enough to pay the bills and you work 70+ hours a week something has to change.

Recruiter: "Take this culture survey. It's not a test. There are no right or wrong answers."

Me, internal voice: Then why give me a list of words to choose from that I think describe me best and another list of words to choose from that describe how I ought to behave at work? Clearly, there's a matchup you're trying to do here. So clearly there's going to be a wrong answer if I don't choose enough of the former to match the latter.

Manager: we require people to work in the office but we'll give you a space to get as comfy as you want.

Me: *walk into the open space office, set my mechanical keyboard, plug in my noise cancelling headphones, start coding and mumbling every now and then*

Manager: keyboard is distracting others and we don't allow headphones as we want to be able to speak to you when we feel like it.

After doing the work he requested as he wanted he was not happy. So i thought we sit and discuss what he didn't like. I was so wrong.

...
Boss: "...you know what I think you are: a fraud; Masquerading as a developer. The database design you have given is shit. The template I gave you I did in 1 hour. You took half the day."

He gave a simple template to use and he told me to come up with an ecommerce db design via downloading PrestaShop and seeing what is relevant to us.

Me: "what did I do wrong?"

Boss: "you think I don't know what PK means in database design? Why the fuck did you put this here."

Me: "can I expl..."

Boss: "I'm not finished, you been here half the month and what work have you to show for it..."

Me: "I have..."

Boss: "You shut up when I can speaking"

Me: "ok"

Boss: "You have no work to show for the time you have been here. I tell you what to do. I want someone who is proactive. My friend, you will do the work I tell you to do, you understand?"

Me: "yes but can I just say that I have been doing your work I have the contact the various developers as you..."

Boss: " You shut up when your boss is speaking. Can you do this work? (Slightly long pause)

Me: "I can do it. But, I have done the bits of the work you said I do. I was h..."

Boss "don't give me bullshit stories...you haven't done the work..."

Me: "But you have spoken"

Boss:" You know what Im giving you 1 weeks notice if you are not able to do the work. Can you do it?"

That moment!!! I was literally shaking I could have high fived his face with his laptop.

Me: "yes I can"
Boss: "Then get the fuck out of my sight and do it"

Seeing all devrant posts actually give me a feeling of not being alone with my everyday work-related issues. It's good to be a programmer and even better to be a part of a global community.

my boss asked me a few days ago to get a website responsive, i did that in like twenny minutes and today he came to me, looked at the website and give me a pat on the schoulder "good work"
some days are good days

An old company contacted me, seemed remorseful and said I probably didn't want to work there again but kept pushing. Eventually he said a high salary and I figured ok they had easy projects and the overpaying would beat the underpaying they did while I was there, right?

The new lead dev at the place took a month to give me work, tried to pressure me by saying she was going to tell management they are behind because of me, and then progressively stopped assigning tickets to me and assign-then-reassign them from me according to my schedule/predictions I revealed during the daily stand-ups. Why hire me at all. Then they said they changed their business direction at 3 months and let me go. What a waste of everyone's time.

My department is legit getting a fuckload of heat over some missing reports that were not generated by the lead dev.

Shit falls on me since he ain't here.

Look b. I am gon give it to ya straight: I don't give a fuck, your shit is secondary, unimportant, bottom of the list...call the vp if you want, he gon get a fuckload of indifference as well ....

know why?

Cuz yall motherfuckers want shit done quick af but don't say shit till the same day. Fuck, shit don't work that way...pendejo.

Best thing? I ain't even supposed to be doing this shit at all because of y'all bitches not placing me in the correct classification...

CEO: if we would not give new features, clients would be bored and would not pay for tool.
me: but don't you think we should fix buggy old code, that would reduce effort and time that we daily invest in prod bugs?

CEO: I'm not saying we should not fix them but we should maintain the balance which is 80-20. 80% of our work would include adding new features.
😑
Next day in morning receives email:
There is a production issue, fix it asap.

😬

Fuuuccckkkk! I just realised I made 120 commits over the past 100 hours.
It's a big thing for me as a developer and open source enthusiast because I finally understood how to work on open source projects with a team and also I've been able to give equal time to all my current projects.
Also, GitHub going green is a beautiful feeling xD

So proud of myself lol

-Hey highonsleep you a webdesigner, right?
Me: no, frontend dev.
-Yeah right my dad needs a new logo for his firm, can you do it? We can't pay right now but we'll give you lots of paid design work in the future and it'd be good for your portfolio.
Me: whatthefuckingfuckLOL. *Unfriend/block/delete/remove*

Devrant...
... give me the serenity to accept code that don't work
... The courage to fix code I can
... And the wisdom to find the typo before I throw my pc out of the window.
Amen.

It works. It finally works!

After an 8 hour session I got my crawler to work and give me basically every anime op/ed I long for.
All that using Elixir even though I'm still fairly inexperienced with both elixir and functional programming

I'll try to create an API and eventually Maybe even a database tomorrow (or rather in a couple of hours)

Boss says everyone praises my work and efforts, except when nearing salary discussions then I suck and have a lot of unstable issues apparently.
I really struggle to give a polite f... When praised.
Wanna praise me? Pay me!

Yesterday night I was driving by train. And I overheard a random dude how he is studying computer science. Drunk me decided to give him some advice, so I told to use github. Instead of using ubuntu he should try out arch or gentoo, to learn how all parts work together. But because I was pretty drunk, I probably confused him more, then anything else. Oops.

Rant about my application - mate thinks he can add features that are insanely hard to implement. Dare initiated. $150 if he does it, he buys me 3 rounds if he looses.
Proceed to give him the link to the repo. He downloads it and runs it in VS. Complains that it doesn't work and is broken...
"Have you installed the frameworks?"
"What frameworks"...

I was making a prank app which turned to my first virus.

One day my mother told me that the programers in her work were offering to her to show them the virus and if their program dont catch it they will give me a reward. It was not catched by the program and i got the reward it was not so big but the feel was awesome

Ha ha ha ha. Fucking morons!

You brag about being a highly skilled company.

You tell me I don’t have enough experience despite three years of uninterrupted activity where I currently work

You’re willing to give me a chance (I just don’t know how to express my gratitude)

BUT among your super talented team members you can’t find anybody capable of conducting a technical interview?? And you’ve been looking for over a month for someone who could do it?

Thanks for wasting my time with three useless HR interviews you worthless DIPSHITS!

About to send my entire department on Vacation Leave today for the next week. We have 3 days of work before we go on holiday leave (next week). And I want to give them a 3 day head start because fuck everyone else and I want me boys to enjoy shit beforehand.

Fuck you, managers do care.

Fuckbug client has no brain but worse is fuckbug has not one bit of understanding.

I am a fucking developer not a fucking DESIGNER.

You are supposed to give me your fucking information. Information as in text and photos and documents that I can use with minimal modification for your FUCKING website.

It was fucking stupid of me to help you out with non-dev work in the first place. My fucking stupidest mistake of 2017.

Just for the fucking slider, this whole goddamn project is dragging for the whole 2017.

I even helped you out with taking the fucking product photo at your office with my camera so we can have decent images to use.

I stupidly helped you out with doing photoshop of those images with your product labels and stuffs.

But in the end, you fucking dare give me 1 properly designed image to use in slider. Then ask me to change the rest of sliders with similar design like that one. If you have that image why the fuck cannot you do the fucking rest by yourself and come and fucking ask me.

I fucking hate you.

I shut down my laptop at 1630. After that, I officially no longer give a shit until tomorrow morning. My phone has Slack and Outlook, but neither is allowed to even run in the background. They're there for when I need them, not for when someone a work needs me.

fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUCCCKKK FUCKING FUUUCKKKBKB

if you gave me a feature that has 2^5 posible output, but didn't give me all the possible inputs AND expect me to finish it for this thursday, THEN DONT GIVE ME EXTRA JOB ON A DRIVER THAT DOESNT WORK. FUCK

As IT, I hate being too accessible to users (I'm a software dev, not help desk support). One particular user...let's call him Fred (even though his real name is Joe)...sits close to me.

---

Fred: Bobby, fix my Outlook (he says it jokingly but serious). It keeps saying it needs to be repaired.

Me: Yeah had the same issue last week. I just reinstalled it.

Fred: So...you can't fix it?

---

Fred: Bobby, I need access to X.

Me: Ok go to this link to request access and a manager will approve it.

Fred: Whaaat? That's too much work. You are IT and should just give me access.

---

Fred: Youtube isn't working.

Me: Ok...and?

Fred: It means my internet isn't working!

Me: *sigh*

If you CC: me on an email I won't read it because I'm clearly not the intended recipient and I'm not going to do your work for you in trying to work out why I should give a fuck.

If you wish me to actually *give* said fuck then send me my own fucking email explaining why I should give a rat's anus about your shitty little problems.

And, if you try to use "but I copied you on the email" as an excuse for your incompetence in a meeting, I will eviscerate you on the spot. You will be looking at your small intestine while I ask your assembled co-workers if they have any other business.

CC: basically means you have no respect for my time. So, if you do it, I'm coming for you...and your family...and your friends...and all the people you know on Linked-In...

TLDR; i wrote recursive compression with random algorithm to fuck up some lazy ass girl.

one day, unknown classmate told me she has a family reunion and cannot do his programming assignment which will be collected next day in the morning, so she ask me to do it. i say i need to put a price tag to it because i want to buy a new RasPi --i don't know her either so i don't feel bad about it. i told her i need $20 and after some bargaining it settled at $15. i work on it about 3 hours and told her it's finished and send her demo video as a proof. she happy with the result. and will come to my house later that night to get the source code. at night, she came, and give me only $8 bucks, of course i get mad, with every arguments she throws at me i resist to give her the source code. but since i tired enough to get into a longer arguments i accept the 8 bucks i go upstairs to get the source code. but instead of giving her the actual source code; i wrote a quick script to do 50 compress source code folder recursively with random compression algorithm--sometimes gzip sometimes lzma. and give her the final 50 times compressed source code. EAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER

All I've been doing at work last few days is code review. Damn, I feel bored. Just give me something to code already!

If I could, I would ask the genie to give me the ability to completely disconnect from programming when my work hours are over.

For the first time I am feeling like.... I hate my job.

Agile and Scrum can be fucked, but at least there is a work methodology. I was hired by a company being run the old school way.

These guys never heard of git??
- Fuck you. We never used git and neither should you.

Client company does not want to give me push/pull access to their gitlab instance??
- Fuck you, you can use our RDP server for that.

Project planning features be damned, they've got email, Teams and videocalls!

Can I develop in peace? Fuck no, I have to give IT support to the guy who hired me.

Our timeline is defined IN A FUCKING WORD DOCUMENT FOR FUCKS SAKE. I can't connect Issues to milestones in a Word doc

Oh, and the customer is running everything on prem. If there is a need to scale up, FUCK ME. I should have specified 20 machines from the get go or gtfo. We're using 2 machines to run 8 different services that are going to be ingesting and computing data.

They want state of the art on a cheapskate.

And I have nothing else lined up at the moment. Although I am soon to renew the contract... This contract binds me with professional responsibility for a project being ran by people who do not give a single fuck about optimizing the work process.

Please, oh please, tell me there's an exception for murdering people using their phone in speaker mode right in the middle of an open space.

Please ... I feel like it should count as public service and be rewarded ..

I'm trying to work here, it don't give the slightest flying fuck about the latest crap you dare to call code and how it fucked up your whole application.

Friend : hey! I wanna buy a laptop.. range is about entry level nothing hi fi! But it should work for 3-4 years.

Me : sure.. give me a few hours..i'll get back.

*Looks all around foe the best thing in that price range.

*Sends a list of laptops ranked based on value for money.

Friend : bought it! Yay! 😎😎😎

*Buys the shittiest laptop they could find at that price range with an absolute old age processor.

Why the fuck did you even ask me at the first place? Fucked couple of hours for me.

My supervisor's flaky attitude is annoying the shit out of me.
Mate, why would you agree to hire me for the project I wanted to do (and get me to move halfway across the planet) and then tell another colleague that I'm focusing too much on my project and they should give me their extra work?

Like, I get it but I don't get it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

PM emails me a zip file with the message "Can you give the attached a look and get it to work. See email below that there are some items missing to make it run."

Items missing : 3 custom libraries, 2 sql databases, 3 custom sql tables, and oh yeah the license to the program it runs on.

It's cool.

I have less than four weeks before I have to have my project production ready

But why not make me waste my time in useless web based fucking trainings for bullshit HR issues I'll never deal with.

"Don't give gifts of more than $100 to potential clients!" Shut fuck up I don't work with clients.

Piss off and let me do my job.

Client: Each invoice should be it's entity. It should only report it's own open amount. Any other open amounts remain on the other invoices.

Me: No problem. ::Sets invoices to only report own open amount::

PM: Hey, the invoices in UAT are not displaying the sum of all open bills.

Me: I know. The client wants each invoice to only report the open amount on that specific invoice.

PM: That can't be right, change it back before we give the client access to the UAT environment.

Me: No problem. ::reverts invoice changes::

Client: We are failing the invoices. The invoices should not be giving total open amounts for the account. Each invoice should only report the open amount for that invoice. We told the development about this...

PM: I see. I'll make sure he understands your request.

Me: ... ::reverts the revert::

PM: Hey, the invoices in UAT aren't giving a total of the open-

Me: OMFG. I just want this task closed!

Client: After the invoice work is done, we need to talk about past due amounts and how they are reported to customers.

PM: Sure thing. It is logical to give a total of a past due amount to the customer...

Me: ::Starts updating resume::

Some idiots ripped off our work and code that was open sourced and wrote a paper on it and got it published from some cheap publisher. Even for me to some benefit of doubt or consider that probably they worked on advancing our research….they didn’t even give us any credits!

Heights of shamelessness!

FYI, we already had an IEEE paper published!

I don’t mind if you guys have any suggestions on how I can get back at them. I don’t think a rant is going to calm me down for what they have done.

My patience limits are huge but our product manager seems that likes to stretch them.

You piece of fuckin shit. You ask for feature A and we agree on the way we will do it. Good. Half way you want to change it's behavior.
Fine, i accept that. Let's move on.
I'm close to finish it and you come and say let's add more on that feature and make it more complicated. I can't say anything, just fine and let me work on it.
Then you and the senior dev that "helps" us don't come to 2 meetings and just communicate via emails.
And then, then you fuckin scums tell me that is unacceptable that i haven't finished it and it doesn't work?
I used my uni time and missed lessons to work on your shitty feature and that you just yell at me?
What about comming to the fuckin meetings so we can discuss what problems occured and how i can overcome them, you sucker?

Just because our boss complained to you that the product is late because of you, that doesn't give you the right to yell at me, you piece of shit.

And the next time you tell me that you pulled the repository and it doesn't work while it does on everyone else i will come and shove your laptop up to your ass.

This morning I turned on my PC at work...
Only to be greeted by a finishing your Windows upgrade message.
It took fucking windows HALF AN HOUR to finish the upgrade.
After that my machine lost its built in cam, mic and speaker. Which I need for my work.
Took me two hours to hunt down the correct driver to install and find the info it must be installed in Win7 compatibility mode or it won't work. It was pure joy to install it plain first and it still didn't work.
Then VirtualBox refused to start. Took me half an hour to upgrade it and get it working again.
Took me half a day to just get the shitmachine working like it did yesterday so that I can START working.

So, dear Microsoft:
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
wait for it...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
FUCK YOU!
🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
sincerely

(And don't give me this "use Linux" crap, I have to use Windows for my work.)

Me half a year ago: I want to work at Google one day.

Me now: I want to get more privacy and to get rid of all Google / non private services.

Right now I am trying to switch to signal but it's hard to convince my friends, which also use Instagram Facebook and Snapchat to use signal because they don't give a fuck about privacy and can't be bothered to install an app which taks less time to setup than a fucking Facebook account.

Head of HR for a company I’ve never heard of has hounded me for days on Cord.io.
I’ve kept fobbing her off and showing disinterest but she kept on about how they’re so interested in talking to me because they need people with my experience. Blah blah.

I finally give in and arrange a call.

First question she asks is “So why do you want to work for us ?”

Wait, what ????
You came to me! I’ve never even heard of this tin shed company.

Two of my team members were trying to make a website responsive for over an hour. They tested everything. They checked the JavaScript, checked their CSS media queries, tried everything but it just wouldn't work on mobile browsers.

So as usual they decided it was "impossible" due to "WordPress constraints" and told me that it would work on the browser but not desktop.

I just added the meta viewport tag. It literally took 10 seconds. It worked.

I hate people who give up easily. Just hate it.

Client on fiverr.com won't give me SSH access and I am unable to finish my work...

And the client has no Linux knowledge and is unable to set things up my himself.

Remember the boss I so very much wanted to impress and respect?

He told a junior colleague (behind my back) that she should supervise me and give me work.

NGL, I had it. This is where I pivot for the exit. Not sharply tho, but surely finishing the PhD as fast as possible. Unless drastic changes happen, I don't want to work with him in the long run.

I struggled with this the entire weekend. But it's good to finally have a clearer direction.

While working on generic enterprise code: querying databases, calling third-party APIs and just passing data around, I'm thinking: "PLEASE LET ME DO SOME THINKING, LET ME WORK ON SOME HARD ALGORITHM OR SOMETHING!"

When finally working on 'some hard algorithm or something', I'm thinking: "ARGH! MY HEAD ACHES! GIVE ME RELEASE! LET ME WORK ON SOME MINDLESS ENTERPRISE CODE!"

"not sure if we can meet those salary requirements, but I'll get back to you"

JK they just send me the code challenge, no idea of what salary to expect. scratch that one off the list.

meanwhile in another prospect i have had not just multiple interviews, but then add on two additional 'prep' and 'post' interviews for each of the ORIGINAL interviews i have to do with the recruiting company REEEEEEEEEEEEE

honestly it's not a good reflection of what is really valued at these companies - paper pushing over getting to work... ok

WEVE ALREADY TALKED FOR HOURS JUST MAKE A DESICION: GIVE ME AND OFFER, OR DON'T AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The posts about love coding interviews and low paid freelancing work just reminds me how little anyone know about process of using code to solve real problems.

If someone wanted to give me a JavaScript test then I'd point them at Fivver where there are tonnes of JS devs available for minimum wage.

No one is paying me for my ability to write code. They are paying me to solves problems that businesses have that are likely to involve software.

Last day of work. Literally only few more hours before I give up this lifestyle. Feeling little emotional as i look at the screen of my work laptop. It's a Windows 10 Lenovo ideapad .

Gonna miss those days when it made me mad bugging with updates. But it has been good to me, did more than i expected from it. I kept it turned on since half year or so and contrary to popular belief about it's race, it never disappointed me. We had our little secrets going on. Time to wipe them off and say goodbye. 😿

I never ever give out my cell # to ppl at work. If they need to speak with me, I provide them my work # only.

Two weeks ago, went to a customer site. For ONE minute, I had an email on the screen that had my personal cell #.

Last Tuesday - out walking dog: call from customer to personal cell.

Last Thursday - getting ready for work, brushing teeth: call from customer to personal cell.

Last Friday - grabbing lunch: call from customer to personal cell.

Yesterday - in a meeting: call from customer to personal cell.

I'm gonna cry 😢

I have been sick for a week now. All I needed was one day of rest. But no, can't rest on the week days because I work late. Can't rest on weekends because work fucking calls me for retarded tasks that they are just too fucking lazy to do themselves.

Look gobknob, I understand you're not paying me overtime. Fuck you for that. But to deny me a day off because "we are too busy" and you can clearly see I'm fucking falling around due to illness is just a shit move.

"no doctors note, no time off". Yeah. You don't give me time to go to the doctor.

So you know what I did? I fucking went to the doctor now. Said I'm sick as a dog. Gave me a few days off too.

I should have asked him to prescribe my director a butternut sized suppository that cures all "I'm a shithead" ailments.

Time to try and turn my phone off for a few days (won't work. "oh no! We hired fuck twits who can't do their job, and now our skilled dev is sick" director "FUCKING PHONE HIM" this shit really happens.).

Excuse my grammar, my spelling, and possibly my punication. Time to sleep after 65 hours.

Christmas 🌲 party at work tonight. It's going to be boring since we are only 9 staffs.

Please give me a good reason so I can ditch this party? The best one I have so far is "I have shit in my pants. going home to cleanup and change. I will come back."

So, it's 22:40 here and I'm sat on a bench staring out at a pond because my stress and anxiety is at an all time high after a couple of weeks of hellish arguments with work and my personal life so as were all developers here to some degree let me convey my fucking thoughts here.
If you care more about maintaining your fucking superiority complex over writing good clean efficient code then get the fuck out of the industry.
I don't give two fucks whether you use Linux or Windows. I couldn't give two fucks about whether you use sublime, Emacs or VIM. I couldn't give two fucks about the framework you spend more time defending than coding in, because absolutely none of it matters if you code like a retard on bath salts you pretentious cunts.
Stop feeding you fucking ego. Absolute cluster fuck of an industry.

My employer has no work for me, so i'm sitting here, watching anime and scrolling devrant. For gods sake give me work.

Are there many people out there like me who don't subscribe to the whole "software to help you write software" malarkey? Resharper being a big one where I work!

Just give me a nice lean code editor.

Whoever said green tea helps you lose weight was right.
I accidentally spilled some on my laptop, and I can't work properly now because I've to replace the keyboard and spare parts are expensive (at least for my model).
And it'll take 3 weeks to arrive!
So with the stress of projects and deadlines piling up, yup, I'm losing weight alright!
Green tea !FTW

Clients that ask you to build X and then when you ask about said details to know everything up front, you get a deer in the headlights look.

I get it, not knowing right away is fine, but 5-6 months later and still "not knowing", being absolutely lazy with no responses to questions or just dumping the work to me to figure out from whatever source material you got it from and force me to crunch to save your ass isn't fun for me and I really don't give a shit about how much praise you give me publicly for the job I did.

Company wants me to give a rough estimate of developing a new feature in a distributed legacy monolit. They told me they would inform me the next day and want the estimate on the same day for a project that will probably take 2 devs 3-4 months. I ask for more time and info, give the estimate and they say it "feels too much". I mean ok. Then why am I even estimating? If in the first place the client has only X money than do the project for X and it doesn't really matter how much work it is, does it?

Colleague while reviewing my latest commit.
Him: Hey, RemusWasTaken, why did you leave this debug log in here?
Me: That function won't work unless I leave that line exactly there.
Him: It can't stay, come here so we can fix it.

Three hours of debugging later, this Friday afternoon.

Him: Okay, I give up. Let's leave it there for now.
Me: I did the same thing yesterday. Time well spent.

Nodejs is weird sometimes, or we are incompetent devs.

Me: *wrote a detailed resume with my responsibilities, achievements, and showcase some of my projects in each work history*

Clueless interviewer: Can you tell me more about your work history?

Me: *happily walks him through my resume*

Clueless interviewer: all good! You pass the prescreening interview. Here’s an “assessment” that will require you to record yourself in a video answering the same questions I asked you. Also please submit the .mp4 file before your initial interview tomorrow where you will answer the same questions again.

Me: …

Why these HRs and outsourcing companies love to waste the applicants time? Apparently the prescreening, initial, and video interview with these HRs are fucking different. Just let me talk to the company your representing, have them give me a technical exam and move on from there??? Jaysus

At Uni i have a course that basically teaches us how to use python for simulations. So I made all the assignments and everything worked like expected on my computer. After I got my grade back, I checked the corrected file and I saw that in an entire assignment the code did not work. 🙁 So of course I dubblechecked if the code that I wrote really didn’t work. And again the code ran fine on my pc. So I send an email to the TA with my complaint. Today he replied with an email that the code still didn’t work and that he couldn’t give me any points for it.
Next step: his office 🧐

I'm starting to think, that these programming tests that companies give out, are just a way for me to their work... especially when they don't reply.

Code languages should stay within their designated file extensions! I'm having to work with SQL in .resx files at the moment! Then there's HTML which is like a skitty little travelling monkey that I've found blundering about in SQL strings before, let alone people trying to sneak it into .js files, which is one reason I chose Angular over React btw (and don't give me that bullshit of separations of concerns vs separation of technologies).

It is mostly trivial to work with separate files across languages and doing so gives you the benefits of that languages support in the text editor or IDE you are using. It becomes easier to work with, the behaviour is predictable and it is formatted in a readable manner, ultimately reducing the potential for mistakes. Stop trying to make me put everything in strings!!

Best dev experience of 2017:

Being able to support my family with my work.

Knowing that all of us have health, vision, and dental insurance solely because of me.

Finally being able to give back to those who have helped me over the years.

Looking for some advice....

So I'm a web dev that works remotely full time from home which I love, I'm expecting my first child in late march which is really exciting but I'm starting to think about how it's all going to work with the missus home for at least 12 months and of course a baby that (without sounding horrible) is going to be a big distraction to me when I'm trying to work.

So just wanted to know if there was anyone else out there in a similar position or that has gone through the same thing and how you did it? Is there any advice you can give me?

Appreciate any thoughts.

Dad: You should rather consider being a mechanic.

Mother: Why can't you finish university and work as a banker?

Me: I don't give a heck

For the last 20 years, there's one thing I've not been able to do reliably:

Share a folder on a windows computer.

Why the fuck can I write /etc/smb.conf from scratch with a blindfold on and make it securely work from all client devices including auth & acl, but when I rightclick and share on windows it's either playing hide and seek on the network (is it hiding behind //hostname/share? No? Maybe in the bushes behind the IP addresses?), or it's protected by mysterious logins requiring you to sacrifice two kittens a day.

Yes, finally it works! One windows update later... aaaand it's gone.

JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING CONF AND A MAN PAGE, MICROSOFT. I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE ORALLY PLEASING ALL THESE MALWARE RIDDEN GUISLUTS ON THE SIDE, JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING TEXT FILE TO STORE AND EDIT.

Why do business and systems analyst even project managers try to give estimates for how long development should and will take? I hate how people who don't code and do any real work try totell me how long it would take me.

Family support? What's that?

I have a complicated relationship with the rest of the fam, so I have been avoiding talking to them for a few years now, and it's not like they've been dying to contact me either. Except for mom, who would sometimes give useful insight. The rest, no support, work-wise or not.

Welp, got the weekend off and since computer doesn't work anymore, me has no entertainment.
Me is sad. 😞
Me is in a financial clasp.
If the phone gives in too (which, let's be honest, it's nearing it's natural death time) I'm majorly fucked. Let's hope it doesn't give in for a few more months at least. (until I finish thesis, at the very least)

... I think I'm gonna spend this weekend just being sad. 😞 And PMS, ofc. 😐 🔻

Can you rant about yourself?

I was reading about the AWS outage, with little to no interest. I didn't know what it was and thus figured it wouldn't affect me.
Some time goes by and I come up with this 300++ vote post. I'm witty, I'm smart, but when I want to upload a photo it doesn't work.
Must be the app right? I restart, nope nothing. Whatever..

Sometime later I have a dashing new photo for tinder. Surely to give me all the matches. Nope, can't upload it.
Must be my phone or Internet then.
Restart everything, nothing is working. Complete madness, no devRant upvotes and I'm still single.
I surrender, give up. Which is one of the worst things to do for me as a dev.

Today. Which is the cherry on the cake. I finally see my connection to the incident. I feel stupid and annoyed by myself.
God dammit Julian, pay attention.

</rant>

teamLeader: We can't release because your change doesn't work, it breaks on the machine ABC123
iHateForALiving: I diagnosed the issue and I still don't know what's related to. BUT I'm 100% sure it's not related to my change, or anything that has changed in the last 24 months. Anyway we can take a look at this, just give me admin credentials for this machine.
teamLeader: no we can't.
iHateForALiving: ... Wait what? How am I supposed to reproduce the issue? Why can't I access the machine?
teamLeader: It's in use by the testers.
iHateForALiving: What for?
teamLeader: ... Educational purposes!

They report some issue on some particular machine, then refuse to give us access to said machine to reproduce the issue because they have "educational purposes", me and God know fuck kind of education I have in mind for this circus but as soon as I get my hands on them they'll get a hint.

So, I got a new job opportunity at another company, one thing we agreed is that I would need one month to give the notice, and leave the project I was working on with the company I currently work on. Today, after 25 days, they said "the project is not available anymore, we can't hire you", I already give the current company the notice. Making all the wishes possible to keep the current project I work on.

This is life telling me, don't change from what you know to the unknown, even with good positive reviews

Post on Craigslist: Need simple website. No coding, HTML and CSS only. Send price and examples.
Me: I need you to answer 4 questions before I can send a price.
Them: I really like your work, but if you cant give me a price without me answering any questions then you arent a good fit.

Yeah.... I feel for the guy that picks this one up.

The amount of sass I give people from other departments at work that think that they can just walk all over my guys is something to write books about.

Someone already tried pulling some shit with me and the hod, so what did I do? I fuckd her app up and moved her dumbass down to the bottom of the queue, now she gets to do manual paperwork for here till I get tired of it. Again, that is what your dumbass gets for harrasing my guys ...

Boss: I wonder how the whole plan failed

Developer *thinking*: If only I could have told this to you weeks ago. Well, I knew you wouldn't listen. Your actions were clear. Your loss. Or maybe it kinda became my plan to fail the plan and it work worked. Idk, lol. Maybe next time don't categorise what I say as negative by asking me to frame it positively. I won't give any feedback then, especially critical feedback to improve

Dear IT troll: I am not some idiot user. I FUCKING WRITE SOFTWARE! I actually CREATE CAPABILITY! I don't create "content", I'm not some fucking suit that pumps out PowerPoint/Excel/Email all day long. I don't need to be handed a consumers screwdriver, hammer, and wrench set. I need to be able to set up the technological equivalent of MY OWN FUCKING FORGE AND ANVIL! Do you get it? Do you understand me? Give me administrator access and go the fuck away. While you're at it, please quarantine this pile of silicon onto a limited access network if it makes you feel better. My development system doesn't need to connect to the wealth of bullshit in your precious little dumbed down corporate Wiki-wannabe Sharepoint system. Keep my creative space away from Test and Prod networks while you're at it. Just give me the goddamed tools I need to do my work and fuck off!

I need someone to explain me this:

- whenever I work hard as fuck and stay on my purpose and fuckin grinding out all of my work being focused as fuck on it; EVERYONE SUDDENLY WANTS TO FUCKING TEXT ME. I AM BUSY. MY DAD WANTS TO TALK. MY MOM HAS QUESTIONS. MY DOG WANTS TO SHIT. MY FRIENDS WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME AND FIND ME COOL. RANDOM GIRLS TEXT ME. RANDOM GIRLS WANT TO FUCK ME. MY PHONE EXPLODES FROM TEXTS AND NOTIFICATIONS. NUCLEAR DISTRACTIONS

- whenever i dont work anything, just lay on the couch to have some rest or when i feel depressed and lonely; NO ONE WANTS TO TEXT ME. PEOPLE TAKE HOURS OF FUCKING TIME TO RESPOND. THOSE WHO USED TO GIVE A FUCK TO SPAMBOMB ME WITH TEXTS NO LONGER GIVE A FUCK. I FEEL EVEN WORSE THEN. FUCK YOU AND FUCK EVERYONE WHO DISTURBS ME WITH DISTRACTIONS

me at home :
😎i am a cool Scala Developer
me at work :
boss : can u edit this Scala Application ?
me : what is the scala ?
boss : its a programming language
me : okay just give me 2 weeks for learning

Bloody Fucking Managers !!!!

Few Months Back...
Manager: Innovation we need Innovation.
Me: What's the process?
Manager: You give idea >we give you people > they do all the work !
Cool right ?

Present situation :
I have given them 5-7 ideas. I am programming for all of them. When I ask for help -- we will see... After the programming is done its working. I need make the documents etc. Everyone uses the tools. I get to be the sucker !

Instead of accepting reality like a big man and acknowledging that making software with a cargo culted process that has no function in organizing the development work, the boss is insisting I'm to blame and wants me to "take responsibility". Taking responsibility my *****. I slay the dragon in its lair.

Since I'm leaving, I tried to give him some sincere advice, totally flipped him out.

#6 days left.

Do you know what a meat proxy is? It's when you work as a consultant for a company, and the company doesn't give you credentials to deploy, debug, or interact in any way with your code. You then have to work through the sysadmin, while telling him how to go through every single step, every git pull, every line of code to edit. Kill me

"The advice I like to give young artists, or really anybody who’ll listen to me, is not to wait around for inspiration. Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work." - Chuck Close

debug hell

senior: i'm going to read the code changes of the PR that caused this bug, many files , lots of lines of code to see if i can suss out this issue

me: skimmed the PR, i give up, unga bunga time, time to compare the variables in the debugger between the different implementations, found the difference

due credit, the unga bunga approach worked this time, might nto always work

Today was:
30% setting u partitions for arch
20% fixing typos that caused some kernel panic
20% trying to find a good resource for Squid
20% Giving up and reading the docs
10% choosing alcohol

I just wanna work on my personal projects which give me a valid excuse to look at smuggy anime girls

tell my boss on Friday that I'll work through the weekend to get done work done on some python code.

he doesn't give out vpn access so I can't use our company git so I put the project on a flash drive to work on.

come into work and I have an email. on Sunday he did everything I said I was doing (and had done) and then refactors the entire repo so even if he hadn't done the work, all of what I did became useless.

His way is the only way. but good luck getting him to tell you how he wants it. you just have to do a bunch of work only for him to tell you he doesn't like the way you did things and then he does it himself.

makes me realize why their other programmers didn't stick around. because they had to work so closely with this guy.

glad I started looking for other jobs sooner then later.

I am working as a junior in a company that pays me minimum wage and doesn't give a single fuck about my existence.
"Change the job", you say?
Well, that's what I am trying to do for, like, 3rd month now. No one wants to invest into junior...

Every day I go to work with thoughts about quitting, but I need a job... Even if it's like this...

fml.
F
M
L

Client: Can I see an update of the work?

Me: Mails the client the first update has been published.

Me: Mails the client the second update has been published.

Client: Can I see an update of the work?

Me: Did you see the last e-mails I sent this morning?

Client: *crickets*

Yet another client that expects we do cheap and fast work, mails us daily he wants to see updates, and constantly requests new features... but can't be bothered to give us the feedback we need for those features, or even read his e-mail.

Next week we'll get an angry mail that the features aren't exactly what he expected, mark my words.

Freelance Headhunters...

No idea where they got my name and the number of my work phone...

- they do not give a damn and call me 1045 am to discuss "EXCITING BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES™"

- they are sure I am having a case of stockholm syndrome, because I could NEVER be satisfied in my current employment

- they call every other day with a new number and start the same process again

How fucking dense can people get?

I dedicate this to all of those hr gurus from top tech companies that rejected me cause they think I won’t fit their culture despite me crushing all their technical interviews, fuck them and their soft skills stupid questions.
I won’t fit there anyways cause I can express my own thoughts using sarcasm and irony and I’m not scared of doing it cause I don’t care about your amazing company culture that prefer robots not people with a little sense of humor. I don’t care about my failures cause there was so many I don’t give a fuck. And by the way if you ask me why I want to work in your amazing company I would always say cause you asked me to work for you and now you treat me like shit. Then 10 years later you blame everyone for toxic culture lol.

I'm on my train, leaving after my last day of work. I didn't hate that job, quite the opposite actually, but Im sure the new job will give me more opportunities to grow professionally.
Now I'm just sad I'll miss all of the familiar faces, and all the usual things I was doing.

So many emotions and I don't even know where to start.

Oh and I'm drunk too.

Just want to give a kudos to the dev’s who built this app - devRant. This app never fails to lighten me up after a stressful day at work. The best thing about this app which I like the most is the load time for the app. It has an amazing load time when you start the app. Period. Will soon become a supporter. Good job guys! P.S. check the tags on this post :)

Anyone here use atom? I tried switching to it from sublime, gave it a solid 2 weeks but had to give up on it. Just painfully slow, regularly taking 5-10 seconds to open a work project and let me start working on it and would continue to be slow whilst working.

Back to sublime now, so much better...

Not really trying to, but probably should try to fix this bad, bad habit…

I keep wanting to fix and improve everything - and I keep taking notes, writing action plans et fucking cetera to the point the amount of work that should be done and I want to do is driving me insane. And they should all get done now!

In short, I should really either learn to focus on just one thing at a time for a meaningful period - or just cease to give a fuck. Either could work.

Friend : Bro, give me the game you were playing yesterday.

( Witcher 3)

Me : OK, tell me your system specs.
He: 1 TB hard drive and 8 GB ram.

Me : GPU?
He : 2 GB Nvidia.
Me: Model?

He: Don't know something like 740m ( M you heard that right)

Me : Won't work. GPU is not powerful enough.
He: You don't know anything, it will work. You also play on same GPU with 2 GB.

Me: -.- ( I had gtx 770)

Im thinking about leaving my employer because I keep getting way too much work on my plate, people get annoyed that its not done in time and tell me that i should tell them if im getting too much work.
So i tell them its to much and our deadlines are to tight, then i just get told "this is how we always work, we just gotta finish things faster and better"...

Another one is that our HR/office manager keeps bugging me about setting up SMART goals so i can prove my value to the company and that its my responsibility to do so if i want a pay raise (even if im already underpaid)...
Im sorry but if you wanna keep me, you gotta give me some damn incentive to stay...

Ive been putting up with it sofar because i like the office and the people and the majority of the work itself and i really dont wanna go looking for another job because im really bad at it... but wtf... im so done with all the "how does this work" questions too...

tl;dr: getting negative reviews because im bad at my own evaluation is gonna make me quit probably, while im being praised for all other work i do

Microsoft Market:
"You tried a wrong password too many times"
(I know fucker, I made a fucking mistake because I had to restart the pc 20 fucking times already, I've got confused, you pc-fucker)
"The activity is temporarily suspended, try later"

LATER? WHEN? I need to work you moron. Just give me a number!!! 10 minutes? 10 hours? days?
Work on improving security, lazy sod, not on slowing my job.

PS As soon as I can I'll change the password in "ImpotentCrackWhoreFucker8==0-)"

Translating win32 calls to whatever the hell there is in Unix and Unix-like OSes (well, most of them) in order to port a certain game net code library and dear god why did I volunteer myself for this task

At least pevents is there to help, but too bad cmake doesn’t want to compile it with the flag I need (“-DWFMO”) in order to make the “WaitForMultipleEvents” method to work at all. Instead no matter what options I give it on the command line or how I tell VS Code to do it, it seems to give me the finger to my fucking face.

Doing it for games on the cooler OSes... doing it for the community... come on...

I can't believe how a voice in my head is telling me to end my WFH and start going to the office.

Like, when we talk about promotions, surely my boss will give promotions to those people who are physically there, giving the boss a sense of dedication towards the job.

I know the workload isn't going to change, because work is work regardless whether you're home or not.

Also, my WFH job has gotten quite monotonous. It's a little too comfortable, if that makes sense. Another reason to seek a change.

I don't know, Am I just overthinking this?

I think it's funny when RH people email me offering positions to work with Java and that's it, no more details. Java can be used to build virtually anything, from web apps to systems for spaceships. Can they give more details?!

How hard is it to tell me what kind of error do you receive when a program doesn’t work?!

Just telling me ”it gives an error” doesn’t give me much to work with..

All i want to do is write code. Give me time, space, and stop bothering me so often and I can fix the shitty outsourced code. I can do it, really. I can write a ton of resdesign docs and improve so much shit. But I can't do ANY OF IT BECAUSE THESE FUCKS ARE ALWAYS PAWNING OFF WORK ONTO ME AND REFUSING TO LET ME GET MY HANDS DIRTY.

Stop asking me to email people. Stop asking me to update documentation that isn't for my features. Stop bothering me. Stop. Fucking. Bothering. Me. All. The. Goddamn. Damn.

Stop it stop it stop it fucking stop. I don't care about the PM's dumbfuck braindead statements and always wanting to pick a fight with me. I don't care that x environment is down. I don't care that your shitty overseas programmers can't tell their own ass from their head. I do care that I have the skills to fix it if you would give me the fucking time and space.

Instead of having me do all the mundane tasks that your shitty ape programmers could do overseas, let me have some fucking room to breath and I can fix this shitty fuck of a project and Maybe I can save it before it collapses on itself you dumb fucks

Holy shit im pissy today

Only at work can I come back from the breakroom full of cookies and snacks for mymanager to promptly give me a pass to Golds Gym :V she is telling me that I is fat I guess :V

;_____; i am not fat, just eat like a fatboi

The disconnect between the hiring process and the actual job in software development is mind boggling.

They give you an online test in the first step. You can't open a new tab otherwise that's considered cheating.
Holy crap, it doesn't work like that in the actual job. Googling things is a SKILL every dev should possess.

I've started telling hiring managers I'm not interested anymore in the job the second they pass me an online test.

I created a YouTube channel for this exact reason. Go watch me code on camera so you get to know my coding skills better otherwise go fuck yourself.

Alright, it looks like everyone at this bank, a client, I work for will now start avoiding me. I'm usually the only person that takes the time to review PRs and give a feedback. Everyone just seem to click accept because they can't be bothered.

A few months down the line, they begin to wonder why there is so many tech all over the place.

Good luck to anyone that wants me to review their PRs. I pledge to continue to take the time to review PRs and give feedback. I will not be pressured to click the accept button on what I perceive to be sub-optimal code. So help me God.

Coding taught me how to think logically and how to approach problems with a fresh clear mind if your ever stuck like walking away for a bit and returning after a break.

It also allowed me to give my old teachers the middle finger who said I'd never do anything in life... 6 years later and I've owned my own media business and now work for a web agency!

Got a senior dev at work.

The guy is good at his job, no doubt, but his insecurity drives me up the wall.

- Constantly double checks work done by non-seniors.
- Setup a policy where only seniors can code review.
- Tells non-seniors not to give out advice as they don't know what they're talking about.
- Edits pull requests for you.
- Demands unobtainable quality for insignificant pieces of work.
- Patronising teams messages on the regular.

We're all just trying to get work done and he's always acting like we haven't got enough stripes on the badge.

Mobile developers of the world. Hear my words. Two things: 1. Why is every mobile site nowadays specifically geared to being as nonfriendly to mobile devices as possible? You should probably remember that mobile devices are resource constrained much like early 00s PCs. Maybe we don't need the full HD 3 megapixel version of the image. And we definitely don't need those full screen scroll ad things. In fact, I am 100% less likely to purchase their product if you include these. Which sucks because Hidden Valley salad dressing is pretty good, but now I have to settle for Wishbone.

2. Maybe you don't need to gamify everything. (Looking at you Waze). Or maybe don't give points to everyone who has ever posted about that red light cam outside of my work. It has been there for thirty years. I don't need to be reminded 80 times because someone wants imaginary GPS points. Yes I realize the irony of posting about gamification on a gamified site. I am fine with this.

You told the design team this won't work on a large scale
Design team: Well we designed it, so, fuck you !
You: Does the implementation...
End Product: * Doesn't work *

Design Team: Why isn't it working, suggest a workaround

* Facepalm *
* Dead Inside *
* Give me Death Note plox *

I had very small experience on programming and applied for a dev Job kind of accidently.
But having good mathematical Background I convinced the Interviewer to give me the chance of learning during an internship. So I started a console Tool for special testing purpose with good success.
After the internship they asked me if I'm willing to lern Javascript and HTML. Though I had a lot of fun there, the answer was easy 😏
Now I'm a senior there having a team of 4-5 devs
And I still enjoy coding a lot 😎
So basically I learned coding during work

We're having a favorite hackathon projects vote at work tomorrow. Basically each team are given 5 minutes to present their project and we'll vote the most interesting project for a favorite project award.

I'll give my vote to whichever team confuse me the quickest.

This is a warning 😡
A tale first...
I being the kind soul I am offered my help to another web company .. their site was built poorly and took 20 seconds to load I told them the fixes they needed in the hopes they would give me the work to do it that was the agreement after all 😡

Instead they stole my ideas and did them themselves now they have a good website 😡 fully working

Let me be clear if you fuck me over like this. I. Will. End. You.

I hate scum like this ... I'm calling him tomorrow I will give him the benefit of the doubt, if he says something like 🙄 well tough.

There won't be a website the next day... 😡

😈

So here I'm, going for an interview but I'm not allowed to show my previous work, since it might give compatitive edge to the organisation interviewing me. But still it does not matter if my supervisor boasts about the work in public forums like conferences.....what kind of secrecy is this :'(

Anyone have success dealing with nondevs and explaining the “zone” and to not interrupt if I’m programming and would like to share their techniques? I’m the only developer in the company I work for and all my coworkers/bosses don’t get it and even give me grief about using headphones in the office. I’ve actually gone into vacant offices off the open floor plan to try and program uninterrupted, but I don’t know how long I can keep that up without catching flak.

Team Leader(TL): So you finished the sql scripts and stored procedures?
Me: Yep!
TL: And properly formatting the front end to look exactly how we want it.
Me: Yep
TL: Well we waiting on feedback from the boss so i guess you'll have to do the documentation.
Me: I hate documentation, please give me anything else
TL: It's not a lot dude, you can do it.
Me: Didn't one of the intern's and the database admin do it already?
TL: Yes. but you can take both of them and make one complete one.
Me: *You just don't want me to work on my own things you FUCKER* Fine, but don't expect it to be done this week.
TL: It's Tuesday, why not.
Me: Because i hate dcumentation

I FUCKEN. hate! documentation.

who else hates recruiters/ recruiting companies? I have been looking for work a while now and my inbox is inundated with "senior" level roles asking for 7+ years experience in every language imaginable. I have only been at this going on 3 years now and definitely don't consider myself senior by any means but do aspire to get there some day. But how the fuck am I supposed to do that if no one will give me experience?? Rant over

Boss says to give budget for a job. I give budget by associated cost of materials that we use. Simple math device cost x amont, we need y number of x. I give budget of $25k. Boss says that's great, he gave a cost of $10k to customer. We need to work on getting it closer to that.
WTF do you need me for?

First time ever merging two massive networks.
If this doesn't give me pain, technically my thesis work is done. Prettification, optimization, and the actual writing is left, but the main part is done.

And when this is done, I shall feel epic.

>Be me.
>Apprentice dev, first real programming job.
>Excited to start work.
>Contract comes through.
>About what I expected, i.e. we own everything you make while working here.
>Sign and send the signed pages back.
>Next day...

>READ THESE 5 20 PAGE PDF BOOKLETS, DO PENSIONS, SIGN 3 DOCUMENTS, LET US LOOK UP YOUR DICK PICS AND EVERYTHING ELSE, GIVE US YOUR PASSPORT, AND SEND BACK THE ENTIRE CONTRACT.

>...ok.

Just when I had almost fallen in love with this new job which I started 8 months ago, this happens.

My “manager” had conversation with me. He was complaining that my work is of poor quality (objectively speaking, it is not). I don’t even directly work with this manager anymore. He “leads” this big project and he really wanted me to get involved in it but I struggled because it’s a big codebase and I was a new joiner. Months later, a new project was started and I worked on the backend for it. And I really liked that project more as I literally wrote it from scratch. And even the “mangers” for that project was a bit chilled out.

Now, the first “manager” kept trying to involve me in the first project but new requirements kept popping up in the second project and I was happy to work there. Somewhere down the this, this irked the first “manager”. Also, the company is known to be very cheap with salaries (a good work culture though) and they are paying me more than others since I switched from another company to work there. So they are probably expecting more output for the salary they are paying me. That seems to be the main problem here.

Obviously this first “manager” has never worked a development job before, let alone reviewing my code or something. So I was confused after this conversation. He’s asking me if I noticed these issues in my work and how I can do better and I bluntly replied no, I don’t see any issues in my work. He said he’ll speak to me again on Friday (2 days from now) and expects me to give an answer about how I can improve and stuff. He seems to be power-tripping do so I’ll probably be firm about my position. Will probably mention the money part as well.

It sucks that I left a corporation because of work culture issues and joined this smaller company. And I see the same corporate disconnect cropping up here.

CEO: so how long would this take?
Me: Me plus another engineer... probably 4 weeks.
CEO: What if I give you XYZ(principal engineers from infra team)
Me: Wait... no i need a full stack engineer.
CEO: okay fine. I'll give you 3 engineers, can you get it done in 2 weeks instead?
Me: No... some of the work cannot be parallelized.
CEO: okay.
....a week later
CEO: I thought about it, what if you work days and night, and also the weekend, can you get it done?
Me: nnlnn

Worst was with ionic and ios. Havent really worked with either and got mac that wasnt updated in ages and also they didnt give charger. Dealing with sudos and not using sudos then trying to work with xcode and free licenses took me a good time until i got first successful build for iPad. Biggest time consuming mistake was that i had to logout of itunes before i could make another account. It only gave me error and said try again later. Made me furious but after i got setup working everything worked quite nicely. Loved the safari developer view.

Hello,

Wondering if anyone can give me some advice regarding stress management.
I am a sys admin of a continually amount of growing servers (now at over 130) and I do coding when I am not busy being screamed at by users. The stress is coming from the workload, but also the way that the workplace is running. The manager left, and now I am handling all his shit, and my own shit as well, and all his accounts have been handed over to me (accounts being clients here). The other IT guy who is supposed to help out with the server admin just finds other work to occupy himself, and I am losing my mind. There is literally an insurmountable amount of work that needs to be done, and it just cannot be done in the time that is allocated in the working hours. I am working overtime, unpaid overtime by the way, until 9/10PM at night to try and get through everything (*cannot apply updates and work on the app server while the users are live) and I am just starting to lose grip. I am taking my stress home with me (not taking it out on anyone), but I am not sleeping, not eating properly and even starting to dream about possible ideas to fault resolution when I sleep. I find that I am constantly tired, and it feels like a world is about to cave in on me. There is literally too much work to be done in too little time, and although I am more than capable of doing it (and will get it done, or the director will physically assualt me and accuse me of being useless, again) I feel that the struggle is just a bit too much.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to "wind down" or to "let go" just for a few minutes a day at least, so that I don't feel like I am on the job 24/7.

Thanks.

I just completed my college degree in may of this year and started working in a small company of <50 employees. I'm made to sit idle all day because I'm a junior and also because they dont have much shit going on.
I approached my head a few days back to discuss the same and he says that it's my responsibility to ask my senior devs to keep me busy and assign me work.
Now do I really have to suck my seniors dick everyday to make him assign me something?
Plus this asshole made the head believe that I'm not competent enough and that's the reason they're soft ignoring me, whereas I always did everything up-to his standards and then he even sometimes appreciated me for that.

Now the real question, if I leave this company and they give me a bad review, will it have a considerable impact on my future? I'm confused as fuck. 😐

TL;DR: Newly joined fresher, made to sit idle in the company, company guys somehow make it seem it's my fault for being idle, may give me a bad review when I leave, will it make me look bad?

Spent two hours having two recruiters give me test, interviewing, and being told HOW perfect I am for the job I was applying for; Just to be told they are only allowed to send over people they have found previous work for, but I should instead apply to these othwr positions that pay half what I'm looking for.

My shit job sucks so much.
How bad, you ask?

Well, let me give you some perspective.
It sucks so bad, that I took a small freelance job ... not much $$$ ... and I actually liked it.

Normally they suck so bad and get so way out of hand that I end up regretting it. Work sucks so bad, it made me happy to something else.

I did some investigation on Jira board. There was a story in Oct to design solution for a problem and a senior engineer has commented saying it was done.

The same story opened again in December and another senior engineer has commented saying "canonical and solution is designed"

But FUCKING IDIOTS didn't do anything! Last sprint I got the development story for same and I have been fucking waiting for them to give me solution. But idiots are way too lazy to do any work!

Guys I work for myself and its great (love being my own boss) but after covid I decided to look for work for some company because financial stability is everything in this life

Last job I had, I quit because the boss asked me to make coffee sometimes. We had a good relationship but fuck that 'can you make me a coffee', go make yourself a coffee..

Please god give me patiece..

Pray for me 😅

Don't you have a colleague in office, you want to shout "SHUT UP",
even though they aren't speaking.

In my previous job, they made me feel like they were lucky to have me. In my current job they try make me feel like I’m lucky to work for them.
I certainly preferred the precious position where I felt valued for what I brought to the company.

If I have any advice to give, it’s the following: if your current employer appreciates your work and treats you well, you should stay there a long as possible.

Also I’m wondering if my current employer purposefully makes its employees lose their confidence so they don’t go job hunting as they may feel they’re not good enough anymore to apply elsewhere.

I’m thinking of jumping ship but damn have I lost confidence over the past months…

Any dev who is asked to give “deadlines” then cried about how it’s “waterfall” and you cannot produce business requirement deadlines in agile methodology needs to stop being dependent on terminology and learn that part of programming is proper estimation.

Milestones, business deadlines and agile can go-exist. Anyone who says they don’t, then cries “waterfall” when asked to produce deadlines greater than 4 weeks out, please never work with me

Most difficult part is to work with company where all senior admins are from sales. They never f*cking idea about developers problems.

Just give time to end user customer before 3 month schedule. and now thinking, we can do 3 months working in 4 days.

The sales people think nine women can deliver a baby in just One month. just pushing me to hire new developers.

GM sucks. (General Motors)
There HR sucks, can't call on booked time, for phone screening and wanted me after I applied for job 4 months ago. I still entertained them. But now, it has gone too far.
I am blacklisting GM for life. I will never ever work for them, unless they give me 1 Million per month

Heyo fellow i3wm-users.
Please give me some inspiration for my next setup.
What are your color-settings do you have,
What applauncher do you use,
What programs work really well with i3 or something completely different?

Ticket: User says thing don't work.

Me: Hey can you tell me who tried to do the thing / give me their email?

User: Isn't it in the system somewhere?

Me: MAYBE BUT I KNOW IT IS IN YOUR FUCKING EMAIL SO FUCKING GET ME THAT EMAIL ADDRESS!

Just because Elon Musk is acting like a horse let loose in a hospital over at Twitter does not suddenly give all employers the right to treat us like animals. I will not give you double the work performance for the same amount you agreed to pay me. I will give you the bare minimum and until you pay me more, you will not get more, and even then, what makes you think I will give you more? I rather work less hours a week rather than continue contributing to keeping the corporate machine running just so that you can stuff you and your shareholder's pockets rather than helping your employees, who by the way are your customers too! Why be loyal to you when corporations are not loyal in return?!

#CorporateCringe

Does anyone else feel bored of sleeping ?

Purposely closing my eyes and dozing off to sleep is something I cannot do... It's just boring.

I tire myself out until my weakness kicks in to give me a couple hours of sleep. This has been affecting my health, concentration and ultimately work and I don't know how to tackle this problem.

Trying to sleep is easier said than done, staring into a blank empty space is a huge anxiety trigger for me on top of being a less exciting thing to do.