Alright, I'm grown up enough to admit it publicly: I DON'T LIKE GOING OUT TO PUBS OR OTHER DRINKING PLACES. Even if it's to take a company guest out for the night. Or a teambuilding. I don't care. If you're gonna meet up just to sip booze and talk about stuff, I won't be there.

It's boring
it's pointless
it means a shitty next day
it means a shitty rest of the evening [booze messing up sharpness of mind, no driving, etc]
it doesn't bring any value
it's not fun and it sure is not my cup of tea

taking the guest to play golf - sure. Take him to a range - blasts of fun! Horse riding - absolutely. Go-carts - hell yeah! Basicaly doing ANYTHING but sitting, getting dizzy, slowly losing control of my body and thoughts and sharing that experience with someone is a better way to take a guest/client out or have a teambuilding.

DO something. Not just sit and drink and slowly get stupider in front of someone.

A story about burnout you say? Well, here it goes.

In 2019, I worked in a now-defunct startup. Back then, I was deep in "treatment" with wrong medications that almost ended up turning me into a vegetable. When I was hired, my mind was already deteriorating quickly, and I was caught in a downward spiral of losing intelligence.

Prior to working there, there was never ever ever a situation in my career when I was given a problem to solve and failed to do it.

But right then, with already double-digit IQ and constant, pumping anxiety, I was seeing task descriptions that looked familiar and doable, yet I absolutely could not do them. I couldn't comprehend. It was an absolutely screeching, crippling panic about me losing my intelligence forever, being fired and ending up unhireable, dying alone on the streets.

Apart from my depression I recovered from, this very experience was a trauma that haunts me to this day, every day. You know, my experience being raped as an adolescent doesn't, but this, it's something else. Now, my intelligence is back, I design architecture, I'm a CTO, and my solutions are objectively cleaner and better in every way than what I did pre-depression. Yet, I still feel a sharp, sudden rush of anxiety, and my heart skips a beat, when I think about writing code or even opening the IDE.

I don't know how does one recover from this. I'm now slowly transitioning into "architecting CTO" role that is just being a devrel, assessing ethics, working with business to realize their need, designing solutions and leaving the implementation for the team to do. You know, the stuff I was taught in the uni.

Maybe doing open source and launching small pet projects will help. But at this stage of my life I have no emotional resource to care.

I'm about to graduate and I'm fucking exhausted ALL THE TIME. When I'm not in class, I'm at work. When I'm not at work or class, I'm working on projects. Trying to cover all my bases has left me incredibly anxious and unable to rest, so I don't sleep well and I'm fucking tired constantly, making it more difficult to do *anything*.

And if I hear "it's almost over" ONE MORE TIME :| yes, I know it is, that's why I'm freaking the fuck out, because I have 3 major projects I'm trying to balance on top of my internship.

I'm also trying to lose weight so I have to curve the stress eating. I cut out nicotine but I'm slowly picking it back up because

If I'm constantly stressed
And I can't rest
And I can't enjoy food
And I can't enjoy hobbies

Im basically just sitting here for HOURS every day losing my fucking mind without any distraction. 3 weeks until I graduate and it feels like an eternity. Every day is pain.

So I am stuck in a situation where I have to wait Visual Studio to reload slowly a hundred projects in a sole solution because I fetched the last changes.

And I am stuck because in another solution, Visual Studio won't let me change a web reference (for whatever reason), so I am stuck with a URL with localhost, meaning I have to run the server with the hundred projects.

It's been 20 min I think, I'm losing my mind.