What it's like to be a network engineer...translated into normal people speak

User: I think we are having a major road issue.

Me: What? No, I just checked, the roads are fine. I was actually just on the roads.

User: No, I’m pretty sure the roads are down because I’m not getting pizzas.

Me: Everything else on the roads is fine. What do you mean you aren’t getting pizzas?

User: I used to get pizzas when I ordered them, now I’m not getting them. It has to be a road issue.

Me: As I said, the roads are fine. Where are you getting pizzas from?

User: I’m not really sure. Can you check all places that deliver pizzas?

Me: No I don’t even know all the places that deliver pizza. You need to narrow it down.

User: I think it is Subway.

Me: Okay, I’ll check…No, I just looked and Subway doesn't deliver pizzas.

User: I’m pretty sure it is Subway. Can you just allow all food from Subway and we can see if pizza shows up?

Me: Sigh, fine I’ve allowed all food from Subway, but I don’t think that is the issue.

User: Yeah I’m still not getting pizza. Can you check the roads?

Me: It’s not the roads, the roads are fine. I’m pretty sure Subway isn’t the place.

User: Okay, I found it. It’s Papa Johns.

Me: Okay, I looked and Papa Johns does deliver pizza. Is it the local Papa Johns or one in a different town?

User: I don’t know. Can you allow pizza from all Papa Johns to me?

Me: No I can’t do that. Can you get me an address for Papa Johns?

User: No, I only know it as Papa Johns. Can you get me all the addresses of all Papa Johns and I’ll tell you if one of them is correct?

Me: No, I don’t have time for that. Okay, I looked at the local one and it looks like they have sent you pizza in the past and they are currently allowed to send you pizzas. Try ordering a pizza while I watch.

User: Yeah still no pizza. I’m guessing they are getting blocked at the freeway. Can you check the freeway to make sure they can get through?

Me: No, this is a local delivery. They aren't even using the freeway.

User: Okay, well then it has to be a road issue.

Me: No, the roads are fine. Okay, I just drove from the Papa Johns to the address they have on file for you and there is nothing there.

User: Hmm, wait we did move recently.

Me: Did you give your new address to Papa Johns?

User: No, I just thought they would be able to look me up by name.

Me: No they need your new address. What’s your new address?

User: I’m not really sure. Can you look it up?

Me: Sigh, give me a second…Okay, I found your address and gave it to Papa Johns. Try ordering a pizza now.

User: HEY! PIZZA JUST SHOWED UP!

Me: Okay, good.

User: (To everyone else they know) I apologize for the delay in the pizza but there was a major road issue that was preventing the pizza from getting to me. The network engineer has fixed the roads and we are able to get pizza again.

Me: But it wasn’t the roads…whatever.

User: Oh, can you also check on an issue where Chinese food isn’t getting to me? I think it may be a road issue

Why red herring is important between discussions.

My daughter: Papa! See this is my name and this is the name of my Sir.

I: No my little princess!! This is our surname.

My daughter: oh ok!! Who is that?

I: Ummm... (No answer) Wow!! You're wearing a beautiful dress today...

What it's like to be a network
engineer...translated into normal people speak
User: I think we are having a major road issue,

Me: What? No, I just checked, the roads are
fine. I was actually just on the roads.

User: No, I'm pretty sure the roads are down
because I'm not getting pizzas.

Me: Everything else on the roads is fine. What
do you mean you aren't getting pizzas?

User: I used to get pizzas when I ordered
them, now I'm not getting them. It has to be a
road issue.

Me: As I said, the roads are fine. Where are
you getting pizzas from?

User: I'm not really sure. Can you check all
places that deliver pizzas?

Me: No I don't even know all the places that
deliver pizza. You need to narrow it down.

User: I think it is Subway.

Me: Okay, I'll check...No, I just looked and
Subway doesn't deliver pizzas.

User: I'm pretty sure it is Subway. Can you just
allow all food from Subway and we can see if
pizza shows up?

Me: Sigh, fine I've allowed all food from
Subway, but I don't think that is the issue.

Usher: Yeah I'm still not getting pizza. Can you
check the roads?

Me: It's not the roads, the roads are fine. I'm
pretty sure Subway isn't the place.

User: Okay, I found it. It's Papa Johns.

Me: Okay, I looked and Papa Johns does
deliver pizza. Is it the local Papa Johns or one
in a different town?

User: I don't know. Can you allow pizza from
all Papa Johns to me?

Me: No I can't do that. Can you get me an
address for Papa Johns?

User: No, I only know it as Papa Johns. Can
you get me all the addresses of all Papa Johns
and I'll tell you if one of them is correct?

Me: No, I don't have time for that. Okay, I
looked at the local one and it looks like they
have sent you pizza in the past and they are
currently allowed to send you pizzas. Try
ordering a pizza while I watch.

Usher: Yeah still no pizza. I'm guessing they
are getting blocked at the freeway. Can you
check the freeway to make sure they can get
through?

Me: No, this is a local delivery. They aren't
even using the freeway.

User: Okay, well then it has to be a road issue,

Me: No, the roads are fine. Okay, I just drove
from the Papa Johns to the address they have
on file for you and there is nothing there.

User: Hmm, wait we did move recently.

Me: Did you give your new address to Papa,
Johns?

User: No, I just thought they would be able to
look me up by name.

Me: No they need your new address. What's
your new address?
User: I'm not really sure. Can you look it up?

Me: Sigh, give me a second...Okay, I found
your address and gave it to Papa Johns. Try
ordering a pizza now.

User: HEY! PIZZA JUST SHOWED UP!
Me: Okay, good.

User: (To everyone else they know) I apologize
for the delay in the pizza but there was a major
road issue that was preventing the pizza from
getting to me. The network engineer has fixed
the roads and we are able to get pizza again.

Me: But it wasn't the roads...whatever.

User: Oh, can you also check on an issue
where Chinese food isn't getting to me? think
it may be a road issue