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So the person from my previous rant actually tried to make AI in HTML.
Person: I made that AI in HTML today!
Me: Oh really?
Person: Yup. *Opens HTML site*
It was a site that
1) Used JavaScript
2) Was a prompt(), and after answering it alerts "Yes" or "No" randomly.
Me: That's not AI
Person: Uhh yeah it is. It uses a neural network to answer!
Me: Actually, a neural network is a dot product of an input and vectors that are refined using partial derivatives.
Person: Yeah! That's what Math.random() and alert() do!
I left that room as quickly as I could (yet again).30 -
Overheard a phone call of a collegue:
Person on phone (P): okay so how do I upload the code?
Colleague (C): well you could use filezilla for example
P: oh... okay... yeah.... So how does that work?
C: you said earlier that you were going to hire a more technical person, a developer, to develop this wordpress side, maybe he/she could help you out with this?
P: I am that developer.
C: 😶😐10 -
Oh.. So the deadline is tomorrow? How about we schedule a fucking FOUR HOUR meeting to speed things up?
Yeah, fuck you too...15 -
Train conversation between 3 girls:
A: "Oh, I've got 4G.. "
B: "What, we have 4G!?"
C: "OMG I HATE 4G!"
A: "Yeah, it's almost as slow as E"
C: "I know, right?!"
.....
Kill me pls16 -
A: So are you the programmers of this software?
B: Yeah, I did the front end
A: Oh it looks so fantastic! It is simple, yet beautiful and responsive. Truly great design, you are so talented!
C: I did the back end...
A: Oh, you mean the server stuff?
C: Yeah
A: Niceeee11 -
Duplex: Hi, Umm... Can I book 3 seats on Wednesday?
Restaurant: Sure! And what time is it?
Duplex: Yeah, Oh, I'd like it at NullPointer Exception if it's possible.
Restaurant: Invalid parameter "NullPointer Exception" restarting program...4 -
Working with a team of interns, pointed out a bunch of unit tests are failing, they said they would take care of it.
10 mins later they opened a pull request to delete the tests that were failing.
fml, fml, fml, fml ... and ... oh yeah fml10 -
Me: Did Sherry let you know that I'm leaving today?
Coworker: what!? No!
Me: yeah... I'm leaving.
Coworker: huh, I'm not surprised...
Me: what is that supposed to mean!?
Co: shit man, this job sucks, I'm not surprised. I'll be leaving right behind you.
Me: oh.... Um... April Fools... 😬
Co: God damnit.
Me: don't worry, I won't tell the boss how you really feel.4 -
>Building advertising platform
>Life is good
>Fire up the dev server and open in browser
>No assets
>What the fuck
>Check code and config for like an hour it's all good
>What the fuck
>Try incognito browser, it works.
>What the fuck
>Oh yeah. Adblock. Fuck.4 -
*sigh*
Ssh'd into raspberry pi:
$ sudo ip link set dev wlan0 down
*waits 5 minutes for response*
Oh.. Oh yeah..15 -
Kid(age: 17): What kind of programming do you do?
Me: Well, I started writing scripts in Python, but in the last few months I moved to IOS development, so like making apps.
Kid: So you write scripts for phones?
Me: Not exactly—
Kid: Do you know what jailbreaking is?
Me: Yeah.
Kid: So do you jailbreak stuff?
Me: No—
Kid: Oh so you don’t really do programming.
:’(19 -
"could I get admin privileges to reboot this server?"
Sounds valid enough, right?
OH YEAH SURE, YOU'RE A TINY USER ON A HUGE ASS SHARED SERVER, OF COURSE I'LL GIVE YOU ROOT ACCESS TO REBOOT THE WHOLE FUCKING SERVER.
Worst part, he didn't understand why that would be weird.
Can I buy a little common sense somewhere for this guy?28 -
Don't let your team working be like this:
Monday:
Frontend: Hey, is the API ready?
Backend: Sure, will give you later
Tuesday:
Frontend: @backend, is the API ready?
Backend: yeah, yeah, will give you later, yesturday is busy.
Wednesday:
Frontend: @backend, is it ready?
Backend: Been working on some prd bugs, will give you later
Thursday:
Frontend: @backend...
Backend: ...
Friday:
Frontend: @backend...
Backend: Oh, I just find out that you should ask @backend_b for this API...
(I was actually trying to get my avatar, but this story is real)15 -
Me(m) vs Apple(a)
m - hey apple!
a -
m - apple?
a - oh yeah, who are u?
m - umm, titan?
a - titan who?
m - titanlan- .. umm nevermind . hi , i am a developer :D
a - developer ? hah.. get out.
m - but wait, I want to develop apps for you! I have been developing android apps for last one year and i love mobile dev! wanna talk more on this ?
a - umm.. ugh ok. so you wanna develop apps?
m- yes!, i am doing great at java an-..
a- yeah wait. we don't have that in here. we use swift
m -Oh. no worries , the principles are the same i will watch some free youtube vids and have a plugin for studio or vsco-..
a- yeah wait you can't do that too.we don't have plugins
m - Really, no plugin? then where do people develop ios apps?
a- xcode
m - Oh , how stupid of me , an IDE of course. anyways i can simply install it in my windows or linux an-..
a - nope, you can't do that.
m - what? then where does it run?
a -macOS
m -Oh, then surely you might have some distro or-
a - nope, buy a mac. pass $3000
m- wha-? i just want to run your bloody IDE!
a- oh honey, your $3000 will be totally worth it, you will love it!
m- but i haven't even started making an app, leave alone publishing it.
a- oh, that will cost you another $100 . plus if you wanna test your apps, make sure it runs in our latest , fragile iphones otherwise we won't publish it. that will cost another $1500
m- what? but I already have a fine , high tech laptop and a smartphone!
a- yeah you can dump that
FML. how the fuck is apple living and thriving? lots of selfish motives and greeds i guess? because i don't see a single place where they are using the word "free" or "cheap" .26 -
Had three servers running in prod. For extra security all of them were encrypted (hdd encryption) just in case.
"mate, servers need a quick reboot, that alright?"
Me: yeah sure!
"oh hey they're encrypted, what's the password?"
Uhm.....
😐
😓
😨
😵😨😮😧😫
😲😶😭
Yeah, i also forgot to turn on the backup process...17 -
Oh yeah. Hey guys. 2 things.
First off. Forgot to say. Officially got a job. Finally. So thank you for all the help/advice and patience with my depressive rants!!
I'm in a new chapter of my life now so thanks.
And secondly.
I FUCKING HATE MY JOB6 -
Bob?
Yeah?
Bob, could you hand me that paperclip?
Sure mate!
Thanks.
Oh... Bob?
Uhhh... yeah?
Could you also hand me that paperclip?
Right... sure, of course.
Thanks.
Bob?
What?
Could you also hand me the next paperclip?
Fuck off, why don't I just give you the whole fucking box!
Yeah Bob, please, throw the whole fucking box.
Wait, is that a printed screenshot of my code you're attaching the paperclips to?
It sure is, Bob.
16 -
A while ago (few months) I was on the train back home when I ran into an old classmate. I know that he's a designer/frontend/wordpress guy and I know that he'll bring anyone down in order to feel good. I also know that he knows jack shit about security/backend.
The convo went like this:
Me: gotta say though, wordpress and its security...
Him: yeah ikr it's bad. (me thinking 'dude you hardly know what the word cyber security means)
Me: yeah, I work at a hosting company now, most sites that get hacked are the wordpress ones.
Him: yeah man, same at my company. I made a security thing for wordpress though so we can't get hacked anymore.
Me; *he doesn't know any backend NOR security..... Let's ask him difficult stuff*
Oh! What language did you use?
Him: yeah it works great, we don't get hacked sites anymore now!
Me: ah yeah but what language did you use?
Him: oh it's not about what language you use, it's about whether it works or not! My system works great!
Me: *yeah.....right.* oh yeah but I'd like to know so I can learn something. What techniques did you use?
Him: well obviously firewalls and shit. It's not about what techniques/technology you use, it's about whether it works or not!
That's the moment I was done with it and steered the convo another way.
You don't know shit about backend or security, cocksucker.16 -
This actually happend in my secondary school class. A new guy came to our class. The whole family moved from another city.
*new guy want to start conversation with me*
new guy: "So you into computers and stuff like that?"
me: "Yes" *seems like a cool guy , want to develop the conversation further* "what about you man? do you like computers? do yo program or smth?"
*new guy wants to look cool in front of me*
new guy: " Yeah dude, actually I am hacker"
*me saying to myself, oh fuck not again this shit*
he continues with: " Once I got into the NASA system"
*switches mode to making fun of him*
me: "what the fuck man? really? that´s freaking cool, how you manage to do that? "
new guy: " you know the thing when you press F10 when starting a comupter? "
me: "You mean BIOS?"
new guy : "yeah yeah man through that shit"
* I am done, laughing my ass off and walks away*1 -
Friend: "You are good with computers right?"
Me: "Yes...."
Friend: "Can you put an eye on my computer? Mint crash at every startup"
Me: (Oh Linux! For this time ok) "Yeah, show me"
My friend open the pc...
Pc: "KERNEL PAAAAANIC!"
Me: ".... WTF!?"
Friend: "Can you repair this?"
Me: (shit.)
That was a long day...
(My friend closed the lid without the drivers and then the pc from the standby did not wake up correctly)6 -
Scrum Meeting
PM: What did you do yesterday?
Me: Tried to come up with a funny post on DevRant.
PM: Wait... So you didn't write any code?
Me: Oh yeah of course I did! I came up with algorithm that grabs the highest rated rants and compares them to determine the best time of day I should post said rant, to get the best possible amount of up votes.8 -
Oh yeah no this is fucking great. I get around 5 hours of sleep a night during the week.
Went to bed early yesterday.
Just woke up after six fucking hours with a fucking headache and nightmares.
Sleep rhythms can be a fucking bitch.12 -
Had this yesterday on my way back home from the meeting. Bumped into an old study friend who was never fond of Linux even for servers.
"so what do you use at your company?"
"oh uhm yeah uhm right.... Ehh yes ehhhh so uhm like we use like uhm Linux for the servers"
"ah, and? Works well?"
"uhm well uhm yeah ehh yeah works uhm pretty..... Pretty ehhhhhh good 😅. It appears to eh work.... Like uhm very good for servers after all..."
Hearing that coming out of his mouth....
Damn!1 -
me, sitting @ college, soldering together a charging cable
someone: oh wow you can do this stuff? i thought you were a computer scientist, not an engineer
me:...
me: yeah i need an engineering degree to wrap duct tape around cables7 -
"We care about your privacy [...]"
That's why we make it ultra inconvenient to turn off all of our advertising trackers and give you a broken list of on/off sliders that are slow as fuck. Also, why not just press the 'accept all' at the top of the page? See that big green button? Yeah green is good let's just press it and get this over with right?
Oh and that 'deny all' button? Yeah, a shame nobody actually put some programming into that thing, why not just press the green button next to it? You're only making it harder for yourself y'know...4 -
Sister: (she must migrated from iOS to android) you can download these apps and then you can change like colors and themes and everything 😍😱😵
Me: Yeah off course you can...?
Sister: Oh not, oh no, you're not going to tell me you've been able to do this for years?!?
Me: Uhm... Yes...?
Sister: 😵😭😱😭
Not an apple hate rant, just found the convo funny!6 -
Friend: hey i heard you are a programmer.
Me: yeah
F: so you are a hacker?
M: No. Well yes but the correlation is bavkwards.
F: oh ok.
...
F: so can you hack facebook?9 -
Two mobile devs were talking for 10 minutes in this zoom meeting whether "the component on the bottom should be hidden, or made sticky".
I just could not contain my laughter any longer when they showed an animated mockup comparison, and the product manager yelled excitedly: "Oh yeah, I love the one where it's very visible and sticky! But could you make it bigger for me?"
Sorry HR. I will never become a grown up boy.5 -
NFF = Not Funny Friend.
NFF: what is your smart phone?
ME: OnePlus 3
NFF: Oh you have 4 !
ME: hehe, yeah. I am thinking to buy the new OnePlus 5.
NFF: you're gonna to buy 6?? wow
ME: Ok stoop2 -
Oh yeah that.
That's a known bug.
It's been there for a long time now and the customer knows about it.
We ship it as expected behaviour now.2 -
So now I'm working on my first collab with a fellow devRanter on a privacy website thingy! Excited and want to start working on it right away.
BUT OH NO I'VE GOTTA GO TO WORK IN 15 MINUTES TO STAND BEHIND A TABLE PACKING MOTHERFUCKING BOXES ALL DAY, YEAH NO THAT SOUNDS FUCKING COCKSUCKING EXCITING. (okay I can pay rant but still).
I need a hug 😞41 -
My mom had forgotten her cellphone with me, and of course it rang. So I answered to be greeted by a "Microsoft" support employee. *thinking, this is gonna be good*
- Bla bla bla there is a virus on your computer which I am calling to assist you in removing.
- Oh? Great! But it's running Ubuntu! (my moms windows drive crashed some weeks ago, so I installed Ubuntu on replacement instead)
- Oh you think you're so smart with Ubuntu and your bullshit! You are lying.
- Oh, yeah I do love lying!
- You are a liar! You should be ashamed of yourself!
I didn't get to give him a piece of my mind before he hung up....
So today I got called a liar by a scammer... Not sure if I should be happy or disappointed in myself 🤔😂3 -
-Company We need to know how our customers use our application.
-Me: got 1000 cool ideas
-Company Oh yeah, our customers don't have internet connection...2 -
Yeah! I moved to Greenland 🇬🇱 and this is only a few minutes walk from where I work, soon going to make a punch clock system for the bar I tend!
Excited? Oh yeah!
9 -
Interviewer: Hello my name is Alyssa from Sheeple and my pronouns are she/her
Dev: Oh yeah I saw that in your email
Interviewer: Ok well I am just letting you know they are still the same
Dev: Thanks for that.
Interviewer: What are your pronouns?
Dev: div/span
Interviewer: Sorry?
Dev: he/him
Interviewer: Oh…ok. Let me know if that changes.
Dev: I promise you it won’t
Interviewer: Well you never know!
Dev: …46 -
I contantly keep forgetting to turn on my music. It's like:
*open youtube*
"Wait let me just do this thing real quick"
*alt-tab to ide, start coding*
*get in the zone, coding intensifies*
3 hours later...
"Oh yeah let's turn on some music"
Rinse and repeat...7 -
QA: You need to write a test script for your new web app before it can go live
Me: ok, I'll write some tests in PHP unit and automate the tests.
QA: Oh, can you do that? We just normally write a list in excel then go through each line and write pass or fail at the end.
Me: yeah, good one.
QA: Umm, I'm not joking.
Queue awkward silence...4 -
Interviewer: We keep having devs take off for other opportunities after a short period of time. We need someone loyal who will be sticking around for the long haul. Oh wait, you only have one dev company you’ve worked for on your resume? Yeah that’s not good, we only hire devs who have worked for lots and lots of companies.
Dev: …9 -
1.
Interviewer
how many soccer balls can fit in your house
Me i dont play soccer
---------
2.
Interviewer
.....
Me
........
Interviewer
...(looks at me)
Me
.......
Interviewer
(staring me)
Me
Hi!
Interviewer
Oh yeah. So....14 -
PM: I spoke with x client, they really like x feature and want to continue.
Me: great, I'll let the team know.
PM: Yeah, I told your team already.
Me: Oh. What did they say?
PM: They all told me to tell you first, so you can tell them.
Me: 😏
2 -
Worked 8 hours on a feature to send attachments from our system (A) to another (B) via B's API. Perfect code, yet I couldn't make it work. B's API has full and extensive documentation for said feature. Contacted B to ask about it, got reply: "Oh yeah - we havent enabled that yet but thought it was handy to have it ready in the docs"
FML
4 -
I just want to say this place is AWESOME! 100% better than Reddit and 1000% better than SO. Not sure how I found it....oh yeah I was googling a question on how to do something in JIRA and used the 'f' word in my query.8
-
Pro tip: As great as your product is, it's 1000x harder to pitch to my boss when it has a goofy-ass name.
Me: Hey boss, I came across some new software that'll help manage our mission critical database system.
Boss: Oh yeah, what's it called?
Me: WoolySocksDB Enterprise Edition
Boss: 😐... No.4 -
Today's work activities:
Playing football with a gymnastic ball (those big ass things you can sit on) with a colleague at the office and playing mobile games 😊
Oh yeah, also had a special beer!11 -
Conversation between me (intern) and a guy from communications, let's call him Bob.
Bob: "Hey, client X wants these pages to be changed."
Me: "Again? Last time I changed them was less than a week ago!"
Bob: "Yeah, everyone thinks X is a pain in the ass, but hey, more money for us."
Me: "But you don't pay me..."
Bob: "Oh yeah, you're right haha XD."
Me: "Haha... :')"2 -
Skype, on my laptop, updated the other day. It was like: 'Oh hey we're downloading skype for windows 10!', and I was like 'oh yeah? cool! ... wait, I'm not on Windows 10 WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING NO WAIT NO STOP'
And now it doesn't work. Yay!3 -
Oh yeah, that's an awesome 404 page, what do you guys say?
P.S. - Page is not developed by me, it's MailChimp
2 -
Fellow Dev: the clients are requesting a gallery on their website with functioning modals.
Me: okay cool
So for the record, I'm new to front-end and I've got quite a lot to learn in JavaScript.
*I googled as much as I could and I made a proper functioning gallery in 2 full days of coding*
Him: okay, so this is great but they aren't really digging it.
Me: *sigh* yes, so what do they want?
Him: have you seen how an image opens in Google images? Like you click on one, the image opens while the rest of the content shifts down?
Me: um... Yeah?
Him: yeah, so they want that.
Me: ... *Scoops the web trying to figure out how Google does it*. Dude, I can't find anything close to it and I've still got a lot to learn. Idk how to do it.
Him: well, you're being paid for that. So, you better do it.
Me: 1000Rs ( approx. 14.58$ ) isn't called "being paid". Gimme a break here.
Him: You're a novice rn.
Me: why don't you do it?
Him: I'm your boss.
*Sigh* (he indeed is my boss)
Him: deal with it.
Me: FU........C.....*suddenly I realized how it's done* OH OH OH OH I just got it, I just got it!
(I actually make something like that)
*Lol yay*
That's just my best story of a fight. Lol.5 -
Me, going on a vacation
"Fuck yeah, finally a break, beach, grill, nice. Im not bringing my laptop, theres no way im touching any code."
Me, 10 minutes after i got on the bus
"Oh, i figured out whys that one thing not working, let me just get my lapt...shit"6 -
Emotional roller coaster today.
+ Got first pull request! Hell yeah!
- oh, no, no no no nononono, they pushed all dependencies and temp folders...
fck sake isak, gather yourself
10 -
❤️ Swift ❤️
for (i = 0; i < polygon.count; i++) {
// some print statement
} **
This highly advanced and futuristic piece of code made the Swift compiler eat 14+ GB of RAM while trying to syntax-highlight, before crashing my 8 GB-equipped Macbook.
** yeah, "C-style 'for' loopz syntaxx deprecated since Swift 3 blah blah". Let's reinvent an industry-standard for no goddam reason, because Swift is the FUTURE, oh, and because fuck you by the way.3 -
I, my dev friend and a non dev friend were having a deep Philosophical chat
NDF - while we are here on earth, we should give something back to the mankind
DF - Yeah man! (sarcastically pointing at me) But this guy never gives anything to anybody
Me - Oh I have contributed a lot to the mankind. You should check my github profile.
Needless to say two of us burst out laughing while one was giving blank stare.1 -
So, Twitter fired the entire Indian team (or almost, Im not so sure) and one person posted on LinkedIn that went like, "If you've been laid off, just learn something new and Upskill yourself."
Like yeah, no shit Sherlock.
I imagine this is the same kind of people who tell depressed people, "Oh, you're depressed? Just Cheer Up!"6 -
Today someone was testing a website for me.
Tester: I've found a bug this button doesn't work
Me: It works. I tested it in Firefox and Chrome.
Tester: I'm using Edge
Me: Oh yeah. Forgot that was even still a thing...7 -
Apple flips the bird to devs again...
So I go to release a new version of my app (critical updates and bug fixes from mgmt) and I had just updated my phone. Yeah, that was a fucking mistake.
“This version of Xcode is not compatible with the new version of iOS.”
Ok... update Xcode...
“The new version of Xcode is not compatible with your version of OSX”
WTF?! This version isn’t that old? Fine... update OSX. 5 hours later...
“Hey, just wanted to let you know that we decided to break every one of your web development tool setting and basically nothing works on your computer now, oh yeah, and we’re Apple so FUCK YOU.”8 -
Stumbling across potentially interesting content.. oh shits, i have to register? lets see..
Full name: dhekbdj dhdj
Email: skkgduekdbd@jdrnksdjgzgfn.com
*Click*
- Welcome dhekbdj dhdj!
Awww yeah! 😎
5 -
Who the fuck doesn't use responsive design. Oh yeah my Job. Thank God I quit Friday. Fuck this old ass dirt company4
-
Management: Feature X is your top priority. Dont work on anything else because this needs to be ready for next Monday.
Me: *works furiously*
Management: *monday* Oh yeah we dont need that now. Why are you behind on your other work?3 -
Oh yeah, the app does nothing and yet it's still 14mb in size. Like bruh, 'The app does nothing', nothing as in mine bitcoins? 🤔
Also, 1M downloads? Screw good app ideas and make this instead.
5 -
Worst part of being a developer?
Everyone thinks you want to freelance a website for them...
Even when you're not a web developer
What do you do?
I write software.
Oh so you're good with computers and stuff?
Yeah
That's p sweet, can you build me a site?
No. 😃3 -
I hate it when people dislike things because it’s cool.
“PHP is terrible,” they say.
Yeah! If it was any good then most websites on the Internet would be coded in it... oh wait.
“Nickelback suck,” they say.
Of course. That’s why they’ve never been able to make any money off their “terrible” music. Oops. Wrong again.
What other things are “cool” to hate just because people say so?39 -
"Why not adding fancy buttons when you could fix serious issues" - Android devs everyday
Oh, yeah, and the battery issue without having the ability to change the behavior of app, background apps and whatnot. Cuz battery is the forbidden apple that Android loves to feed on so muchhhh
1 -
You know what really grinds my gears?
When a manager writes up some bullshit "this doesn't work".
Then you waste your time following up, and they say, "oh yeah, this so and so pop up came up with validation error X".
YEAH? AND I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT WHEN YOU WRITE ABSOLUTELY NO STEPS TO REPRODUCE, JUST COMING TO ME WITH "HEY, X IS BROKEN" GOD JUST GET FUCKING 1% TECHNICALLY LITERATE THATS ALL I ASK FOR I'M SO SICK OF YOUR SHIT2 -
Removes stubborn programs? Oh by 'stubborn' you mean the kind of programs where i click on the X on a window and the default button on the confirmation dialog isn't the one that closes the window but instead I have to click on 'cancel'? Yeah I fucking hate those programs too.
The fucking cunts who write the code for this should be making subway sandwiches for a living because they don't deserve programming as a job.
4 -
"Yeah I code, I've created like tons of games and I bet I'm better than pretty much anyone out there"
Oh really? What languages do you know?
"Scratch"
*anger rising*4 -
>On a call with Manager
>he's showing off some code
>oh cool he's finally assigning me some real work
PM: So yeah, just wanted to have you on a call to show you how easy it was to fix this.
Me: ... Oh... OK.
PM: yeah so this was completely broken. The last guy that was working on this didn't do a great job. Like seriously, what is this? Amateur hour? Hahaha
Me:... Haha... Yeah, right... 🫠
PM: anyways I figured I would go ahead and do this because it would take me 10 minutes to figure out. It would probably would have taken you 3 hours or something to figure out.
Me: ok... <why tf am on this call other than for you to shit on my skills?>
PM: anyways just wanted to walk you through what I did and show you how easy it was to fix.
Me: ok.10 -
Ooooh yeah!!!! Thanks dfox and trogus for this new feature of auto scrolling to the comment when I click on the notification panel to see which one was +1'd been waiting it for soooo long 😁😁😁😁😁😁4
-
var { name: x } = person
Day 1 : that's some good ES6 code man, I'm so 2017
Day 5 : Oh yeah I think it works, dont really remember
Day 17 : WTF is that ? Is that even Javascript ?10 -
Mate - whatcha doing ...
Me - oh just hacking nasa
Mate - seriously!? 😯😨
Me - OOOOh yeah I do it all the time see (shows similar photo)
Mate - don't hack me 😭
Me (in head) - you poor dumb fuck...
Me irl - I won't if you don't piss me off 😏
9 -
I think Matlab was only invented to fuck with people. Yeah, let's start indices with 1. Oh, and set copy and paste on Ctrl+W and and Alt+Y.
You didn't save your code? Too bad, the network went down and I lost the license.3 -
Cousin: my computer is broke
Me: oh, what happened?
Cousin: i dropped it and now it doesnt want turn on, can you fix it?
Me: im a programmer...
Cousin: yeah but you can fixed its the same thing!
Me:
4 -
Oh null, how I detest you.
select birthdate, isnull(birthdate) from Users;
>> [null, 0]
Maybe I wrongfully accuse the abstract concept, and should rather loathe the engineers who can't wrap their heads around null despite their heads being a skull literally wrapping fucking nothingness.
Oracle engineers:
"Wait that's invalid input. What do we do?"
"Default the date to 0000-00-00?"
"That kind of looks like a null..."
"Hmm but it isn't *really* a full-on, butt-clenching, hardcore, intrinsic, I-can-taste-it-in-the-air null"
"Yeah not really feeling it either. It's not giving me the typical null-goosebumps."
"Oh, I know! Let's make it a pretend-null, where the actual type totally depends on the layer of the application!"
"Yeah developers love ambiguous random conversions!"4 -
* Shows off the site I'm woking on *
- Friend: Oh yeah, CodeIgniter is such a great thing.
- Me: Did you just assume my framework?1 -
My progression of learning git rebase:
Year 1: WTF just happened?! Where is my code?! *deletes and re-clones repo*
Year 2: Ok if I do it suuuper carefully I can get the other dev's one-line change into my branch...shit...shit...wait...fuck...oh lol it worked.
Year 3: Oh yeah let me organize my commits real quick. *drop pick pick squash reword pick fixup drop pick* *git push -f* 😎7 -
My biggest mistake in my life.
Boss: So when are you gonna finish this?
Me: I'll finish it today,
Me: Finishes task and submits pull request
- The Next Day-
Team Lead: Oh bro you gotta put this on a separate file, this change this too, and that, don't use that shit use this instead, oh and yeah, you can probally use this 'totally awesome typescript decorator' here for that.
Me: Refactors code intensely
Boss: You said this going to be finished yesterday
Me: FML11 -
My girlfriend configuring her e-mail account in the app because her phone had to be reset to factory :
-I can't figure out how to do these setting, annoying...
-Oh yeah the imap and smtp servers can be tricky, let me put that
(I Google the settings for her mail provider and put them in)
-It still doesn't work.
-Uuuh, maybe with another security setting, try it.
-This shit still doesn't work, seriously my phone is broken.
-Have you verified the e-mail address and carefully typed the password?
-Yes of course, I've tried it several time
(I take the phone and check all the parameters... During a looooong time... Until it hits me.)
-Hmm... Can you read the e-mail you've entered?
-Yeah, it's my mail, blabla@hotmail.com.
-No can you read it again please?
-It's blabla, why?
-No, can you *spell* your e-mail?
-Yeah it's B-L-A-B-L-A-@-H-O-M-A... Ow shit...
- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -
Netbeans (yes, voluntarily), terminator and yakuake. Can't program without those! Oh yeah and Instant Answers from DDG.11
-
So earlier today as I was walking out of class, I overheard some people talking.
One of them said “Oh I hacked google”
Then the other one said “Oh yeah I hacked google aswell. I made it say (something I forgot)”
They were thinking that using the dev tools to make one of the tags say stuff was hacking.
😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤
I had to run away
It was t o o m u c h9 -
Me: "I try to keep it under 400 watchers unless there's a really good reason"
Them: "Oh yeah, cool. So what's a watcher?"
Me: 😦
3 -
Imagine if, when a Windows version became outdated (So anything before Windows 8, I guess), Microsoft made it available in the public domain.
We could have Windows distributions, just like Linux! Imagine how weird it would sound if you just said to your Linux-using friend, 'Oh yeah, I use arch!' and they replied 'Oh, me too! I love Arch Linux!', and you just stare at them and say:
'What's Linux? I only use Arch Windows.'
...
...
...
'Arch Windows? Are you stupid?', they would reply in utter disbelief.
We all know someone's gonna blurt out 'Yeah guys! I just downloaded Kali Windows so I could learn to hack, I don't know what you're talking about!'
Ah, good times.3 -
Lead Dev: Could you please make blahblah for us to use while making blah?
Me: Sure, np
Me: (to friend) hey could i test the connection for blahblah on ur pc
Friend: Sure, not doing anything anyway
Me: Thanks!
Me: Finds issues, fixes, and finishes blahblah
Me: Can i just borrow ur pc one more time
Friend: Ok... looks like its working
( i leave the room to fix small bug )
Lead Dev: (Friend) just showed me blahblah,he really did a good job on it
Me: ... Oh, yeah, he didnt rlly do anything though.. I just needed his pc to test it
Lead Dev: oh yeah, but, yknow he really did a good job on it, im sure u did too..
Me: ...2 -
Going live on Friday afternoon.
- no way, too many critical bugs! - I said
- we will - the Key account manager said.
Friday is here, still many critical bugs, I was right, it's impossible.
The Key account manager just dropped all functionalities with critical bugs and tricked the customer into thinking it's ok.
So we go live.
He was right, we can.
Oh yeah.6 -
I can't believe how difficult it is to convince people in a *tech* company to automate things.
"oh yeah it's only a couple of times a year. How much work is it gonna take to automate it, it'll take us only a few minutes to do manually"
That's how you get stuck in the past.7 -
Me - Yeah great so you say it's big data we are gonna be analyzing and having to store, are you currently utilizing a service and aggregating any of it into smaller manageable segments?
Client - well yeah it's lots and lots of data, we can share it with you if you sign a nda.
Me - ok... sure, how are you gonna share it with me.
Client - oh I can email you the spreadsheet.
Me - .... Spreadsheet ... Um... Ok... 'Stands up and walks away to tell this as the most interesting meeting of the month, to some one that will get it'
--
Buzz word for the win!9 -
- Let's write some code to check for memory leaks
- Oh shit, memory is leaking like crazy
- In fact the program crashes within 10 minutes
*Some hours of debugging and not finding the cause later*
- Starts thinking about the worse
- Hell yeah, the memory leak is caused by the code that checks for memory leaks. But fucking how
- Finds out the leak is caused by the implementation of the std C lib
- In the fucking printf() function
- Proceeds to cry5 -
Recruiter: Hi, we like your CV. Do you have a portfolio?
Me: Yeah, the links on my CV.
Recruiter: Oh nice. We'll send you an email with some job roles.
Don't get an email....2 -
family: oh cmon, how hard it can be
me: what do you mean
family: youre just sitting in front of that pc all day
me: yeah, thats how we ...
family: youre not working! youre sitting in one place the whole day2 -
preface context: I was recently asked to make a website for an event I participated in before
client: okay I heard you can make a website for our event? that’s great!
me (dev): yeah, do you have any requests or expectations for me?
.
client: not really, but I was a developer before and I can code a bit so I’m wondering in what language would you code or develop our website in?
me: oh I would be using JavaScript, specifically nodeJS
.
client: oh really? i’m not really familiar with that language, so is it okay if you code it in a language I understand and used before?
me: sure, what is it?
.
(lol I wonder if you can guess already what it is at this point)
client: HTML
me: ... (*uh oh* html isn’t a markup language *sigh*) :——) -
Me: have you tried turning it off and on again?
Customer: oh come on, is that the best you can do!
M:ok how about we
clear all active memory,
Reset the firmware parameters
run system diagnostics and
reinitialise the basic input output system?
C: Wow .. yeah how do we do that?
M: turn it off and on again! -
Why the heck do users give a 1-Star rating instead of submitting a bug report?
Oh yeah I know, because that could help me -.-6 -
"Write something that does something good, irrelevant what, in the next 30 mins"
Oh hell yeah
"In brainfuck. Maximum 35 characters."
FFS WAT9 -
Oh yeah, got myself a new vintage 30" cinema monitor. Total pain to push those pixels to such an old monitor, but if you get a nice deal it's still super competitive as a monitor.
4 -
if there's one thing I love more than coding, it's using metaphors to explain to other people why they're not "getting it". like the all famous contractor:
"yeah I know you need 5 months to build my house, but can you do it in 2. Also, I'm going to pay half. Oh, and when the house is done, could you also add a cellar?"
any more good metaphors out there?4 -
AWS: change this service by doing this, this, this, this, oh and this, haha we didn't mention this - now do this, umm and this too!
Me: oooooookay - looks good!
AWS: yeah- nah bro, thats fucked!4 -
"Yeah, I got your e-mail, I see the subject. Oh no, dude, it says urgent so it went straight to the URGENT queue. Yeah? Ah. Sure, I'll get to it as soon as I get through the ASAP, NOW and YESTERDAY queues. Well, if you wanted me to read it right away you should've say there's NO HURRY - I read only one no-hurry e-mail a day but there's currently 0 tasks on that queue."
-
PM emails me a zip file with the message "Can you give the attached a look and get it to work. See email below that there are some items missing to make it run."
Items missing : 3 custom libraries, 2 sql databases, 3 custom sql tables, and oh yeah the license to the program it runs on.1 -
Oh hell yeah. I just spent a good few hours optimizing an ok mySQL query and made it so much better and faster. Inner join ftw!!3
-
Doing a python code review after working in Scala is all:
"Why the loop? Can you just put a function here and... oh yeah, right... python does not allow it. I could have written these 20 lines in 4 if was Scala"
Scala, stop spoiling me!!4 -
Well after years of programming, I've hit my first runtime error that provides no info , the code fails prior to being able to generate an error so this is fucking fine :-)
And of course, the one time I need stack overflow, it tells you to initialise the class with data... Yet the class doesn't contain a fucking constructor... Smiley face
7 -
Dog barks. Then the other dog barks. Then the lady who owns the dog starts yelling at the dogs. She's yelling and they are barking - and they get louder and louder. What was the goal again? Oh yeah... this is just how agencies work. Go with it. The goals don't matter.2
-
Just got my first internship using Angular 1 today. Oh yeah, I’ve never in my life touched Angular. Fuck (:
4 -
I really don't understand why my university thinks "Oh yeah, make the super easy python assignment that can be finished in 1 hour (max) using basic logic, syntax, and file I/O a 3-person group assignment, there's definitely not going to be just one guy writing code while the others free-ride and get an easy grade."5
-
I just... don't have the motivation to code. This thing that once gave me chills and joy for hours now feels tedious.
I still love programming. My depression is starting to win, that's all. Tearing up trying to write this.
Oh and yeah, my coworker just knocked out the entire staging Oracle database, so there's that.5 -
I am so sick and tired of hearing “AI” everywhere all the time. Yeah how about we integrate some AI into your super smart toaster so that it knows when to start preparing for when you put toasts in it in the morning.
Not even mentioning all these idiots being like “oh yeah AI is becoming sentient. Oh yeah AI is gonna take over the world”.
Brother the current state of AI is just machine learning, it’s a stupid pattern detector and generator it doesn’t have thoughts, emotions. Please just stop it.3 -
People who reuse variables.
Yeah, sure, let's just go declare
number1 = g * 86;
Oh and 10 lines down let's reset it
number1 = 0;
I WILL FIND YOU. I WILL DESTROY YOUR SMALL RAM 'ed THING YOU CALL YOUR COMPUTER.
Variables should be made for one purpose and one purpose only.2 -
I once made a super computer play tic tac toe until it understood the futility of nuclear deterrence. Oh yeah, and I guessed my neighbors wifi password once in college. 😎6
-
So ... Yeah ... I survived a week in my holiday apartment with no wifi...
Now to wait for that phone bill 😂 oh well -
Just finished setting up PiHole on my RaspberryPi.... no more adblock extensions with shitty performance... no more custom hosts files... and network level adblocking for all devices...
FUCK YEAH
oh, and I added so many lists that it now blocks about 350k domains (ads and malware)
Today was a good day.. time to hibernate...4 -
Fuuuuuck this.
The shit i see at work with some fucky codebases.
I should have just gone to music school.
Oh ya, i never shared that with you devrant fam. I was going for music school before comp sci.
:)
But yeah, wonder how that would have gone.6 -
Priceless advice to all. Never agree to work on a project where graphic designers are overseeing it. You will be installing a scripty handwritten font the week before go live, changing out images but the ecommerce portion has not yet been implemented much less tested. I thought I would be implementing a typical Shopify site but no it is "story telling" they say. Oh yeah go live is 4 days away.5
-
Code review, intern style:
Intern: Here is my pull request ...
Colleague: I see a problem with x, y, z. Could cause memory leaks.
Intern: Oh yeah you are correct, i'll fix that in the next one.
Intern: *merged* -
Dev: Hey infra guys, our backend time to first byte takes 8 seconds! Can you guys investigate?
Network team: Oh yeah that's normal, we don't investigate anything below 30s, that's our SLA 😎
😵5 -
Friend: "Oh so can you like... hack into people's computers and stuff?"
Me: "Yeah, if they just give me their password, I can hack in easily!"6 -
Finishing up for the day and about to submit our app for review over the weekend. Everything's wrapped up nicely with a bow. Click Submit For Review. Head home for the long weekend.
Open up laptop hours later to check something, see iTunesConnect on the "Does this application use the IDFA advertising identifier" page.
😐
Oh yeah. There's another step. 😖2 -
We got degrees celcius below 0, even a bit of snow laying around and the train is NOT half an hour late.
Can this be?
Is this the real world?
Normally they go "oh, could be snowing today, let's fuck that shit up"
I would say, today there is even a small chance that I get where I want to go SOMEWHAT IN TIME, yeah!😅7 -
Last night: Wow, I just finished that massive feature and I still get some time left! Why not play something?!
Oh crap, this game is so cool but my video card drivers needs an update (AMD Radeon on a Fedora system).
The proprietary drivers don't run on this version of Xorg server... Fine, let's search for some solutions online and... Hey! Found it! Let's see: downgrade Xorg, download the driver, patch it for your kernel version...
Did I just fucked my display? Oh yeah... Let's try to fix it........
Fuck...
5am: Finally got it all working perfectly again... Fuck this game, I hate it!3 -
So that network decom I mentioned in my last rant... Instantly beneficial. Got some dope server equipment for free. Dual Xeons, 4C/8T 2.93 GHz, 128GB RAM, Dell mobo, yeah. Oh, and a currently nonworking C64 that I'm gonna fix up! WOO!
-
Oh my god. I woke up and read stan lee was rushed to the hospital. I was actually feeling horribly sad and then I read that he was in stable condition and was like heck yeah!!! No one taking him yet.
-
Microsoft pls fix.
My company chose to use Microsoft Teams and uses various linux desktops.
Let's try Microsoft Teams.
A desktop app? Hell yeah. Let's try it.
Oh wait...
Microsoft delivers a Windows executable for linux users... Fuck
7 -
Business: "should we use this technology?"
Developers: " probably not but we will do a full investigation and give you a report on the pros cons and our professional opinion... No we should not use that technology"
Business: "oh yeah why you guys were off seeing if it would work we did the deal so now we have to use it"2 -
- Hi, I need this config set up on the server. What do you think? Could you do it?
- Yeah seems fine. But we need to assess it properly.
- Ok, let me show you in details.
- Err.. hmm, reach out to me tomorrow.
...
** Then he stays offline all day. **
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO **REACH OUT** TO YOU???? VIA SMOKE SIGNALS??!! Some supernatural powers??
Oh man, I hate depending on other people to finish a fucking job.4 -
Client calls screaming they want to go live today.
And oh yeah they also want three morebpaymentbgatways integrated before that.
The documentation is scarce and we never used them before.
Got it on the table 4h before day ends.
Awesome!3 -
My biggest concern is, that I won't be able to get free fruits and drinks while working. Oh yeah also my cat who will definitely want to lay on my laptop and or keyboard...
But I'm so not gonna wear pants to the meetings!3 -
Jmonkey 3 is so damn fast wow, why dont they use this wonder instead of unity?
*angry js fanboys in the distance*
Oh yeah thats why1 -
what it's like when someone doesnt use "mm/dd/yyyy" or "dd/mm/yyyy":
"I need a name for your reservation. It can either be base64 encoded or a sha3 hash"
"Yeah, I'm on my way, how many light years is it past 404th street?"
"Oh, cool, my birthday's coming up, too. How many eons away is it?"9 -
Oh yeah 🙌🏼 So here is the other thing! Many of us work on side projects where we build awesome stuff in our spare time. We don't get much publicity, userbase or conversions as we are not marketing people. So go ahead and write short desc about your product along with website link if you have any. Product screenshot is most welcome 😜 Don't forget to tag post with "mystartup" 🙌🏼 Looking forward to see awesome projects.4
-
Oh yeah am very religious.
I attend the Church of JavaScript.
We code 5 times a day.
And pray on Sundays for Internet Explorer.
By keeping away from bugs and living a functional life
We will all one day meet the web in native paradise4 -
Sometime in the near future…
"Hey Joe, how's the new robot working out?"
"Oh it's great, except that we have no more shampoo in the house."
"…"
"Yeah, apparently it got its hands on a bottle and infinite-looped on Lather, Rinse, Repeat." -
Can I be a fucker?
Here is the crazy guy on my fav childhood beach.
BT glasses now (today I want Portuguese hip hop) but usually camera glasses (suposed to be 1080p, pix are 640x480) , so other gadjet to unmount.
See that sea? Marvelous...
4 -
!dev
Saturday... Weekend... Let me get back my sleep from weekdays...
Zzz..zzzz...**phone call**
Yeah, phone woke me, didnt even read who called. Oh, great. My bosss needs quick help and will come nearby my home in an hour.
Yaaaaay... Fuck.11 -
Company A: Oh yes we work with this huge tech company all the time and our APIs are just amazingly well made! DONT WORRY!
Company B: Yeah we've worked together once or twice and nothing seemed to go wrong the last time. DONT WORRY!
Reality: 11 API warnings, no data transfer and a SQL error meaning nothing I've been working on actually worked. #Rantover2 -
Damn, I really love programming. ❤️
It's way more uplifting and satisfactory than having a significant other.
Even my botched WP installs are more stable than most pseudo-longterm relationships nowadays.
Oh yeah and another thing:
How is it so extremely hard or even impossible for a lot of women to admit their own fucking wrongdoings to a close person?
Mind boggling.19 -
Stupid stupid stupid API that returns a 204 on failed validations.
Informative docs? Hell no! Here's a few hundred long-ass field names that you need to pass as a JSON.
Doesn't work huh? Yeah, you're structure's all wrong. Some of these are grouped in vaguely named keys like "Wholesale".
Oh you need those as well? Yeah, you can see the whole structure if you try to GET an object.
Oh you need an ID to GET an object? Yeah you can just go ahead and create as many as you want. This is just a sandbox API, it's cool.
Oh that's not the point? Ahh you need the structure to be able to create one! *haha* Right, I'll get back to you on that.
* Email correspondence over 2 weeks time. I have still yet to be able to make a an actual successful request. The fucking 204 doesn't count if it doesn't actually create the resource.
Fucking fucky fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
I swear to god if I ever meet this guy in person, I will probably buy him coffee or beer and have a long talk about how to build proper REST APIs.
Because I'm nice like that.8 -
Ever have one of those days where you're just:
"Man i don't want to get into THAT right now, don't know why but I just don't...."
Then a task jumps out at you.
"Oh shit that, yeah I want to do that!"
I don't know what the difference is but sometimes one task seems more motivating for no reason at all.2 -
Convo with me an my friend today (i purposefully left out my opinions and reactions):
Friend: i want to learn c#
Me: sounds good, but I'd go java if i were you
F: yeah but i want to do unity
M: sounds good, but I'd go with unreal engine if I were you
F: what language is unreal engine?
M: C++, but if you want to make apps, go with unity
F: yeah I want to make an android app
M: sounds good, but I'd try out renderscript if I were you
F: yeah I've used that before
M: oh really? What does it do?
F: I don't know
M: its for gpgpu because android game devs needed better performance
F: yeah I've used that
M: what does gpgpu stand for?
F: umm… i know what gpu stands for
M: okay dude, you didn't use it
F: yes I did, I made a cypher
M: dude, you didn't use it
F: yes I did!
M: what does gpgpu stand for?
F: *left*
*five minutes later*
M: *checks phone*
M: *sees text from friend*
Text from friend: dude it was general purpose gpu1 -
"You broke the build"
o.O
Me checking the build.
Oh. There's a weird 500 from github.
Oh yeah:
Error 503 first byte timeout
on the package.json of some node dependency.
That's what you get for relying on the cloud. -
When you get to work with the Analytics side if the warehouse and one of the guys wants you to learn d3. Js to take a csv to make a html site.
Me: hell Yeah can't wait to make crazy circle graphs and line graphs for everyone in analytics
Analytics: Oh, we just need you to take the csv files and copy the same excel format to a html site. So, table, table, table, table.
Me: so...... No visualization graph
Analytics: No.
4 -
When you’re trying to write a function to convert a base 10 integer to a base 2 integer in Javascript without using parseInt() and it takes you a while to realize that you’re used to integer division being integer division and have forgotten that JavaScript stores numbers as double precision floating point. *facepalm*1
-
Started a new job yesterday...
The working hours are from 7:30 - 17:00, which includes a 30 minute lunch break.
I don't know how many times it was repeated that we start at 7:30. And each time in a I'm-joking-but-actually-dead-fucking-serious-so-you-better-have-your-ass-here-by-seven-thirty manner!
Oh yeah... and the drive to work is about 30-40min! 😩4 -
Just been watching some police soap on YT with "real police officers in action". Haha, yeah.
Huh, what's that outside, flashing blue light? Oh, a police car. No, two. Three. Actually, four. All of the guys rush into the neighbour house, WTF. Real police officers in action. -
'I remember, oh six months ago... when I was all like ... "I'll be that dev that happily takes PMs!" ... yeah... I hate six-month-ago-me'1
-
Why aren't my js and CSS changes showing?!?!?!?!!!!??!!
F5, ctrl + F5, F5 and repeat
Oh yeah, gulp watch...1 -
me: what a nice day
someone: hey, wanna join our project? its a university thing
me: yeah sure
someone: oh, you r the PM
me: AAAAA -
Me: *randomly streaming myself code just because*
Friend: "So what are you doing"
Me: "I'm trying to parse a file. The specs are here - oh"
Friend: "Oh?"
Me: "I set screenshare to vs code only, so you can't see it"
Friend: "It's alright, just pass me the link"
Me: "Well, this is vs code, so I might as well check if it can display websites"
Friend: "No way you'd need that,"
>browser
* simple browser
Friend: "Please no"
"Enter url here"
Friend: "Stop!"
*loads website*
Friend: *dies of bloat*
Me: "All hail the bloat"
Friend in heaven: "Stop, your bloat will drag me down to hell"
So yeah, bloat can be useful sometimes4 -
Boss thinks the CMS that another dev built over the course of a good year, will make customers say "ooooh yeah, I will definately come to you and pay a shitload of money for a buggy and unfinished system, even tho I will never be able to leave with a working copy of my website like I could with wordpress".
The whole effing things is based on an old, outdated version of a popular PHP framework.
Oh yeah, and I can not update <the framework> because the dev has tinkered with the core files :)
Yay.
The whole fucking thing won't run on PHP7 and will explode right into my boss's face.
Not mine though, because I will be gone by then :) -
Walked up to my girl and dropped this:
"Hey baby, are you a TCP Connection? Cause you look like a SYNACK"
Oh yeah, WOOOOOOOOoooo!9 -
Client: oh we just need you to organize the files and all..
*ftps into server*
Me: oh so you guys use codeigniter
Client: yeah but for some reason the changes we make on the css files won't go through
Looked into the view files, and literally every element had its own style tag3 -
Sometimes I get so excited about doing something that I'm genuinely happy. But when the initial high fades and I'm ten layers of complex code problems deep I always remember how useless I really am
Oh but this time it's gonna be different.
yeah right4 -
mom: son you received a package
me: wow 😍 (expecting stressball)
mom: oh nice, it is great
me: wow (so fast international delivery)
mom: it an invitation to a state level event organised by state government
me: yeah, mom i applied for it.
stress over stressball -
I'm so happy.
If nothing goes wrong I'm starting a formation on eletrónics, robotics and hardware in the end of the month...
Oh yeah, exactly what I needed right now. -
I am a fresher in web development. I have already learnt to use nodejs, react, angular, vanilla js and made many projects. Majority of the work I feel is just CRUD based, sure there are some exciting things but they are only of a small percentage.
All that innovation HAPPENING is just glorified way of making a CRUD APP ONLY.
Oh mvc worked great on server side let's bring it to client side
OH mvc is such a mess, who thought about doing this.
Oh react redux is so revolutionary let's remake our app using it,,
Oh es6 fuck yeah, Babel, webpack sure, now my crud app is super performant.
Oh graphql, motherfucking cutting edge CRUD APP......
I need to know what's next, is there any breaking of this cycle11 -
Thinking about an amazing app.
Me: "I will start doing it tomorrow"
Brain: "yeah cool... LET'S DO IT!!"
tomorrow arrives.
Me : "I will this other app...it's fantastic!"
Brain:" oh my god...I can't wait!!!!"
a month passes.
Brain: "weren't you supposed to do your 46 side project apps??"
Me: "I remembered I already work 12 h/day......"2 -
Ok...
FUCK ASUS
...
FUCK THEM...
PREBUILD PC? YEAH... BROKE AFTER A FUCKING YEAR... AN ASSFUCKED YEAR! HOW COULD SOMEONE BUILD SUCH A SHIT OF A MACHINE...
Oh well... saved the grafics card, HDD and SSD... time to get new Parts and build a custom one myself...
FUCK YEAH!
Warranty you say? No i tell you...10 -
Why does this happen....
I go , hey I just finished this project (app for example since they the worst culprit)
Why ... Are the next words out of the other persons mouth is, oh I had an idea for an app ....
Why do they then proceed to tell you an app that exists , or an app that's ridiculous like
You know calenders ... Yeah I do... What about a calendar that syncs to your friends one when you want to do an event .... You mean Facebook events... Yeah but for calenders 🤔😥😒
Why does the general population think one.... It's easy to build and costs nothing and two that without research they have the best idea on earth. -
I'm just joining this field, and already I hate it when family ask what exactly I'm learning.
I can either dumb it down to the old "I make computer go beep beep" and get met with accusations of rudeness, tell the full details and have them look lost, or try and dumb it down and get met with patronizing remarks ("Oh yeah, I remember doing that last Thrusday! Sure, yeah!).
How do you explain this shit to your folks?9 -
Two steps from UAT being done:
Product owner: "Oh yeah, one more thing."
My brain: "You gotta be shitting me!" -
Post BA Phil degree pre CS degree
My parents - oh cool
My extended family - 'I thought you were going to go to law school, wow how many times are you going to change your mind?' 'who is going to pay for another degree, oh yeah your parents, kids these days' 'so what are you going to do with that Philosophy degree?' 'What are you going to do when mommy stops supporting you?'
Post CS Degree, employed doing what I love, paying off my loans
My parents - yay
My extended family - sweet f*cking silence, and the occasional 'oh so you are working on computers now?'
HA1 -
QA/stakeholder person: can you add the following links to the footer?
devs: sure. easy.
devs: oh wait, 3 of those links are 404. Are you planning to create those pages? or were those urls just a suggestion?
<crickets>
devs: ok well for now we'll leave those out.
stakeholder (a day later): hey these 3 links are still not in the footer!
devs: yeah we asked about that yesterday.
boss: the links are there now
devs (quietly): fuck you. -
It's only took me all morning but I got git properly setup on our server.
We have a folder in the repo that holds the distribution files. They get split to the distribution branch. Then the hosting service clones that branch.
Finally we we got some proper version control and a good testing environment.
Oh yeah the distribution files are minified using grunt. -
Why haven't I learned about js fetch before now. I've even used socket.io!
Fetch is amazing and I just built a function for using fetch with WordPress AJAX hooks. Yes I know it's WordPress and there's jQuery but all of my custom plugins use vanilla js as a little fuck you.
Oh yeah but ie doesn't support it at all2 -
Absolute best way to get a object of the current User in Symfony?
Yeah, just retrieve the current user.
Oh, we are not yet done, get the username and perform a DB query to get a user object.
Glad this answer has -34 on stack overflow...2 -
Noooooooooo 😢
What will I do without stack overflow?
....
Oh yeah, *inserts* "cache:"
Crisis averted 😎
-
FUCK APPLICATION LEVEL FIREWALLS!
So i cam online today, thought already lets open the shitty outlook webmail client. Holy crap .... thats way to much mails. Many of them are missed teams messages. So i open up teams and holy crap. Like every third dev in my company send me a message screaming "gitab is not working!!!".
Yesterday i updated it so imediately get in panic mode - what the shitty hack have i done?!
So yeah gitlab seems to be working just fine, everything is speedy and responsive, so i call one of my fellow devs and ask him whats wrong? And he is like oh yeah there comes a ldap error saying timeout or something.
I try to login with active directory. Works like a charm. Try another account, same problem?!
Google the problem, search gitlab tickets. Nope there is no open bug or sth. like this.
So alright lets call the network guy. "Yo, can you check if there is something ldap-like getting blocked to the gitlab server?" - He is like oh yeah damn like almost every damn request is getting blocked. Ah wait, there was an firewall update yesterday too. Yeah ldap is no longer ldap. BLOCK THAT SHIT!
After 10 minutes of figuring out what shitty type is detected by the firewall and what needs to be whitelisted to make it fucking work again it seems to work.
But ha no, there is another update rolling on, so same shit like 15 minutes later.
Now it seems to work and i have to inform every damn fcking developer that it works again. And yeah alright you sent a mail, but fuck it, i will call you though! So yeah just answering calls, mails and chat messages. Like why the fuck cant you read your mails like a damn normal person?!1 -
CLOUDFLARE WARP IS OUT BOYS HYYYYPE
oh yeah I forgot: https://warp.plus/kUKsu
you might need this to sign up to Warp directly, not sure but give it a go1 -
Family: oh you're studying computer science? That's awesome! Have you heard of Mark Zuckerberg?
Me: Of course!
Family: yeah when are you coming out with the next Facebook? We'd like to be rich now!
Me: 🙃🙃🙃🙃 -
When you have to work with functions clearly no one gives a fuck about... because who needs documentation... like... 2 decades later!? Oh yeah sure it might change tomorrow...
2 -
Got bit by a hacked repo. It was compromised for all of like 30-some seconds. No intrusions, but now I can't set my root password (passwd goes "oh, yeah, we got this" then it does... nothing...) and Weyland/X/Gnome/Cinnamon/KDE/whatever the kids use nowadays are all busted (they all start, but they just hang tty1 and whatever other console invoked it). Tried reinstalling all those kinds of things, didn't help.
fml2 -
I just crave to start an open-source project. It's just that I don't feel like doing it alone. Anywone up for doin' something stupid? I have a few silly ideas in mind 😅
(Yeah, I need some other project than work...)
(Oh, right. Didn't feel like posting this over at the collab section. Felt to vague.)7 -
Weblogic Server won't start, broken build was auto-deployed. How does a broken build even get deployed? 🙄
Told "till the server is fixed work on your next-release bugs". Sure, can investigate, maybe even code fixes, but with a broken dev environment how do we test anything?
" Hmm..Oh yeah, right" 🤔 -
* talking with coworker about how to use a certain library *
* other coworker comes in *
"Oh I have experience in that library. Perhaps I could help"
* we explain our problem *
"Hmmm yeah, you should probably refer to the docs."
Helpful 1000!3 -
It bothers me far too much when I see people double clicking on ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
Oh your browser has opened twice, yeah blame Windows.1 -
I wonder if there are employers here who read some of the rants and say, "oh wow, we shouldn't treat our developers this way, we should change."
Heh, yeah right.6 -
I just implemented the cookie popup you wanted me to make. And now you give me a call that your tracking code doesn't appear in the source code?
Oh, but you don't see the cookie popup? You saw it right? So you've already set your cookie permissions, probably not to accept tracking cookies. We can check by... what's that?
If I can make the tracking code appear anyway?
...
Yeah, sure, no problem, change will be live in five minutes.2 -
Now I associate programming with work and pain. My mind refuses to start a new side project. Is like a programmer-disease.
Oh yeah, is Christmas by the way...3 -
Oh yeah, I'm totally an "expert".
It means I only have a vague idea of what I'm talking about, but I'll talk louder than you to make everyone feel that I know more than you.
It means that if you question me, I'm totally flipping out and call you a bitch.
And your opinion definitely doesn't matter, because well, if it did, you'd be expert wouldn't you?4 -
My states of learning Flutter:
Oh, this looks easy!
Hm, this example is very complicated.
Aw yeah, I'll never need Android Studio again!
How much is a iOS dev account?
Oh for fuck's sake, why is everything working except displaying a webpage in non-fullscreen dynamically and implementing it in my widget tree? It is unusable for me if this doesn't work but I want to use it! >:(2 -
am I the Only Developer that REALLY HAS BAD TIME MANAGEMENT Skills over long projects like come the fek on brain.
look below only if interested has nothing to do with rant
------------------------------------------->
oh yeah and by the way got a new project out3 -
I proposed a feature at work where the services would react based on some karma system to encourage a better behavior from the users.
"We already have that feature. Nothing actually works for me."
Oh. Yeah. Forgot reallity somehow works like that.1 -
Oh no, yeah, little error icons with no accompanying error messages are my absolute favorite, especially when there's no apparent way to check what the error is.
Love software that does this. Perfect design, super useful./s2 -
I could work from home sometimes, the coworkers would be cool but focused, new tech would be encouraged and pms would defend devs against crappy clients, oh and no windows allowed, yeah I dont like sunlight (like linus house)
-
I don't know if SSL saved the leak of the shitty useless information that our application and customers send over the network. I really don't care and I don't know.
What I know, oh yeah, is that every time there is some trouble with SSL my day is fucked up3 -
Oh yeah!! Fucking great!!! Payday delayed due to Digital Ocean's NYC1 hypervisor's maintenance woohoo!!1
-
Just because I didn't get the logic of your labyrinth testing script doesn't mean I'm a bad programmer! Why the fuck do you choose which programmers to get with a Shit labyrinth JS script. I got all the programming right and now I probably won't get the job because of this.
Oh yeah and I did apply for a php job btw. -
Need to install android studio and sdk 24, but have to install sdk 25 first. Oh comcast is having a degradation in my area and im down to .5 mb/s. Its ok i didnt want to start learning ionic last night. Nooo i wanted to wait until after i get home today.
Oh yeah, something broke my windows install last night and i had to reformat so i got to install it twice after spending hours installing all the other things i need thanks to dsl speeds.
GG -
Rewrite my entire side-project from scratch using Kotlin and AndroidX. While doing so I want to learn about state of the art encryption and key derivation functions (especially Argon2).
Oh yeah, and finish my PhD... -
-fills out web form-
-company sends txt message-
Txt Message: "Thanks for contacting us about X, would you like to schedule <insert thing>?
Me Thinking: Oh awesome I can just schedule it via txt!
Me: "Yes, I would like to schedule time to get an estimate on <insert thing>."
Txt Message: "Please call us at..."
Me: "wtf... yeah I know your number."2 -
I don't know how to make this happen:
Me:
"And this is what the customer... wants?"
Someone:
"Yes."
Me:
"Oh ... could you devote a few more brain cycles to this discussion and tell me that again?"
Someone:
"Sure .... oh ... yeah this is horrible... I'll go find out what they really want"1 -
Like a service
Pushed for the very first time
Like a service
With your FileBeat
Next to mine
Gonna give you all my logs, boy
My shard is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
'Cause only logs can last
You're refined
And you're mined
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your logs thawed out
Yeah, your logs thawed out
What was said to be deployed
Like a service
Pushed for the very first time
Like a service
With your FileBeat
Next to mine1 -
Saw a good privacy movie on Netflix last night. It's called "Terms and Conditions May Apply", it's from 2013. Like most good documentaries I felt bad about myself afterward. Oh yeah, he grills Zuckerberg pretty good out of nowhere. That was funny.
-
This world really hands you jack all. And everytime it's going well it smack you down just for good measure. What people say is mostly meaningless. "Oh I stand for this and that", yeah I saw that when you did the exact opposite while fucking me over like im not worthy of being treated like a human
Hey, at least it's a nice serving of reality for a naive fool like me. "Never expect anything nice from anyone": Noted3 -
Stand up today:
"Hey send a kinda mean email to to them, and I'll follow up with them with a call."
"Oh yeah I'll send one like <customer X>."
"Well we don't want to be assholes..."
Everyone has THAT / those customer(s). -
!rant
Coworker: *Watching a DefCon talk*
Me: *walks over and notices an image on the slide of a woman sticking a cotton swab in her mouth with text saying "get paternity testing"*
Me: Paternity testing? But that's a woman!
Coworker: *silent for a second* What? Oh! *gets closer to screen, chuckles*
Coworker: It actually took me a second to catch that because I wasn't looking at the video, I was looking at the side "related videos" or the ad and I was like "no... did you mean Penetration Testing?" But even then, this is DefCon, so there aren't any women--or at least less than 3. And then I saw it in the corner and was like "Oh, I see it. But yeah, Paternity.... Oh wait..."
Me: Jeez, it really did take you a while...
Coworker: Yeah. All the while I was thinking "What the heck are you on," and then there was the "Oh, I get it" moment
Me: At least you got there -
My job description is software developer, and that's the thing I do less because I have also been assigned tasks from other areas that nobody wants to do. Yeah sure, make the IT guy do it, he's not busy and doesn't do much anyway, right? Oh but wait until they do need something coded...3
-
Reading a book on React and how data/changes flow one way... down.
Oh hm... sounds different...
Then after an hour or more it goes oh yeah, you can pass children callbacks.
OH WTF!!!! That's like every single language (passing the parent itself as an Interfaces), Android Fragments, Node/Express, Async finding)
That's pretty much MVC?3 -
oh man 2 1/2 weeks completely away from programming, IT things and so on.. was in trouble and in a shitty mood, but finally im back. hell yeah feels good.
salute guys1 -
Started with 3D-Printing last year, bought a cheap Creality Ender 2 and upgraded almost everything except the mecahnical parts.
Upgrades include a new Mainboard, stepper drivers, stepper dampers, custom firmware, new printed case, better extruder, OctoPI Server etc.
Oh yeah, and Animu ^^ -
I am currently fixing the EFI partition from my laptop's SSD on my gf's computer on a livebooted image of some random Linux. Anyone know if its possible that no bootloader can boot if there isnt any room on the EFI part? Oh yeah, and only a single mouse out of 3 works for some reason, and no keyboard... so I am using the onscreen keyboard -_-'
2 -
WooCommerce sucks, Block editor sucks, Elementor is no better, but if you want a real mess, just add more plugins. Bonus: if you use any "third party WordPress plugin", WooCommerce support can always say, oh yeah, I see that you are using a third party plugin, so we cannot support you, sorry.
Fuck, that's not the kind of front-end development that I was hoping to do in 2023.4 -
Well... I'm in apprenticeship, and the company I work for asked me to do insanely complicated algorithms about paid leaves and stuff (Oh and I'm in France so you get the mess about leaves). And I don't understand shit about that ! About TOIL ! I mean, I'm still in school goddammit ! Oh and I said to my boss : "Yeah, wow, that seems complicated to code" and he said : "Yup, have fun". So even him, knowing everything about that shit knows that it's hard af ! I'm currently dying of death and my brain is melting.
PS : Here's a rare gif of me reacting about what I need to code
3 -
public Geopoint(double latitude, double longitude)
{
Latitude = latitude;
Longitude = Longitude;
}
Me: "why is the longitude always 0"
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Good job that didn't make it onto Nuget... oh, wait, yeah it did.6 -
Everything. And libraries/plugin/wrappers on github maintained by one or two guys. Oh yeah, and everything.
-
“Oh lie and let us get away with stuff by giving us total control over what you remember so we can bamboozle you and you can look like you’re either weak or complicit“ oh yeah great idea.
Get right on that .
Far as I can tell you people are all permanently crazy because you all do just that
And your balls are gone9 -
Worked some OT this weekend to get a project over the finish line. Got all my tests passing once again. Ready for a PR, but I had a few questions about some missing members I was expecting to initialize on my results.
"Oh you you just need to update the PublishedLanguage package."
"Yeah. I'm on the latest version: <package.service.name * 0.1.7-alpha.4>"
"Oh, that one is rubbish and should have been removed last week. you want <package.service.stupidfuckingdifferentname * 0.3.0-alpha.9>"
godfuckingdammit. of course, every class is completely different now. i literally get to re-do my sunday. on a fucking monday. -
Oh yeah Google why don't you just change the parameter order of functions, remove entire functions between minor versions, and not put a single example on your API docs? And force devs to add 30 lines of boilerplate and start an http server so I can run the debugger? Fuck tensor flow, I'm moving to pytorch.2
-
What was I thinking when I decided to hackintosh my laptop?
I underestimated how much I hate myself.
Oh yeah, I need Xcode.
Days without sleep: 2 -
Oh yeah, I'm totally an "alpha" male, which means I don't know jack shit about the real world but act like I do, because see, I AM A MAN. Men are "biologically configured" to hunt and establish dominance over these pussies called "Beta males".
It means I got no personality so I spend almost all my time in the gym. Who needs friends when you got muscles am I right?
It means everyone hates me but I don't show that it hurts deep inside. I have deluded myself into believing that as A MAN, I have to create my value in society.
That object you call your wife? Pfftt.. She should be in the kitchen all of the time, because what else women are good for anyway? Oh yeah, SEX. A woman is bound to provide pleasure to her man and her man only. Why would you let her leave the house?25 -
There is nothing better than working on internal systems, that only you and a group of friends will be using.
Yeah, they aren't the most tech savvy, but boy oh boy can you have fun with the content on the site.
For example, the login button says "open sesame" (in danish) and some of the errors are like "dude, really? Why would you do that?" followed by the actual error.
I freaking love it 😄 -
So I was out at night with some friends and one of them mentioned her fast ultrabook got slower with the windows updates (Win8->Win8.1). I asked what was her daily tasks to get a base usage.
Me: maybe you should try Linux.
Her: oh yeah, I've heard of that.4 -
Agency life where the dev department plays 3rd string to our Creative/Experience team and our Demand Gen team. Mainly because the leadership has no idea how to sell dev work?
Oh, and when dev work comes in, its on a super rushed/compressed time table where we've over-promised, and under-charged.
No margin on this project? Yeah, no shit cause you sold it for 50% of what we told you it would cost, dumb ass.2 -
What would you guys use to backup multiple mysql databases incrementally without root access. I've been just exporting the db through PMA but I'm switching everything to a version controlled system and would like to do the same for our databases.
Oh yeah and the reason I don't have root is we have cloud hosting which doesn't provide root access. I can't even run Yum.
Edit: grammar4 -
There is no dedicated test team In the corporate our company outsources developers to.. so whatever the developers don't test themselves (and developers are poor testers for their own product) is then tested on... production? FML.. oh yeah and the quality of the bugreports - that's yet another story..
-
Which encryption library do you people use with c/c++? I'm trying to use openssl but well there is more documentation about how to replace my own heart in the dark than on that. Also most of the structs have missing declarations hell yeah its nice to have a EVP_PKEY but what's that? Oh I know it's a evp_pkey_t and what's that? Nothing apparently. Comments? You kidding??? A proper library doesn't have them...3
-
Oh yeah! I am a struggling coder. I have a dream. I want to be a coder what if I am a software tester now. I will create my own softwares. The day I get my concepts right, you will see me scripting your story!
2 -
Wanna get the next value of a sequence in Oracle? Oh just do :
SELECT sequence_name.NEXTVAL FROM DUAL
Wanna get the current value instead? Try this query :
SELECT last_number FROM all_sequences WHERE sequence_owner = '<sequence owner>' AND sequence_name = '<sequence_name>';
Yeah thanks Oracle...1 -
I had some fun times in college.
Me: This book is too outdated, we need updated information for the video capture card presentation. I'd do it but this time I'm busy.
Teammate: I'll do it.
Me: oh wow really? Thanks!
Next week...
Teammate: here, take a look. I updated the information
Me: Yeah, I can see that all of those 10+ year old models have some fresh google search information in them. Thanks. -
Oh yeah, I wanna rant... What is this awful image compression on DevRant?! A lot of time, images posted by ranters are illegible if they contains text. If we are lucky enough, the ranter will then post an Imgur, else... It would be really great to get an image quality equal to DevRant quality... Please!2
-
c# AutoMapper is SOSO good.. On paper...
Once you start using and thre is couple of levels of inheritance involved, it turns to shit.
Searched for fucking 5 hours a problem... Only to find "Oh yeah in this case you need to manually map properties"
Fuck you
JsonConvert.Deserialize(JsonConvert.Serialize(myShit)) it is4 -
My school:
Oh yeah starting 5th year of CS!
"You have to take this year 1 course"
"WHY?!"
"Because fuck you, that's why!" -
Feel some lump under mom's skin.
Mom this feels like a module..i mean (what's tht thing..oh yeah) nodule. -
I’ve been working at this company for a year and a few months now, I deliver my tasks and I get good Kudos etc.
But each morning I sit at my desk to start the day I always feel like “oh yeah another day to get fired”, how can I feel secured that I won’t be jobless anytime soon.1
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