A young guy I work with burst into tears today, I had no idea what happened so I tried to comfort him and ask what was up.

It appears his main client had gone nuts with him because they wanted him to make an internet toolbar (think Ask.com) and he politely informed them toolbars doesn't really exist anymore and it wouldn't work on things like modern browsers or mobile devices.

Being given a polite but honest opinion was obviously something the client wasn't used to and knowing the guy was a young and fairly inexperienced, they started throwing very personal insults and asking him exactly what he knows about things (a lot more than them).

So being the big, bold, handsome senior developer I am, I immediately phoned the client back and told them to either come speak to me face-to-face and apologise to him in person or we'd terminate there contract with immediate effect. They're coming down tomorrow...

So part my rant, part a rant on behalf of a young developer who did nothing wrong and was treated like shit, I think we've all been there.

We'll see how this goes! Who the hell wants a toolbar anyway?!

Asshole trying to steal credit for my work. Can't wait for the next meeting to light this shit.

So this client hires me and this person that I'm gonna call 'B'. B deletes my name from the comments and description. Then proceeds to present it as his.

But B can't get it to run now, so they have me have a look at it. B thinks that I don't notice that he is trying to take credit for my shit. Now I'm sitting here with evidence for the next meeting with the client. Ignoring all of B's communications.

Customer support story time: (swearing in Dutch because it sounds more fun but it's general swearing so no translation needed I think (will translate the non obvious parts)

Me: good morning, how can I help you?
Client: hello, I have a question for you.
Me: go ahead!
Client: alright so.... one sec, let me turn off my music.
Client: hey Google
.
.
.
Client: hey Google
.
Client: Heeeey Gooooooogle
.
Client: HEY GOOGLE, GODVERREDOMME
.
Me: 😆
.
Client: REAGEER GODVERDOMME. "HEY GOOOOGLE"
.
.
Client: VIES VUIL TYFUS DING, LUISTEREN. HEEEEEY GOOOOOOGLE
.
.
Client: JA GODVERREROMME, LUISTER GEWOON, FUCKING KUT DING. *SHOUTS WITH ANGRY VOICE* "HEY GOOGLE HALLOOOO LUISTEEEEEREEEEEN" (oh for fucks sake, LISTEN fucking piece of shit)
Me: *desperately trying to keep it together*
Client: IK DOE HET ZELF WEL JEZUS GODDOMME *FOOTSTEPS, MUSIC STOPS* (Translation: I'll do it myself, fucking hell)
.
.
.
Client: finally, sorry for that 😅
Me: *still trying to control myself* no problem!

console.log('This website owner is a verified shit nugget. Avoid business.');

If you get a bad client, warn others! ;)

Me : The website renewal bill is up and it will due in 30 days

Client : Sleep

Me : 14 days

Client : Sleep

Me : 7 days

Client : Sleep

Me : Last notice, it'll be dead tommorow if we dont pay today

Client : Sleep

*website dies*

Me : F

Client the day after suspension : Hey, we can't access the site.

Me : Play dead

***

I think i should say "email service will die if you don't pay the renewal bill" instead

based on how quick they react when shit stopped working

I sent this email to client:

Hi Christine,
Can we shit this afternoon and go over the scope of work once again?

In reply she sent me this meme with few LOL emoji

Last week:

Client: Hey sometimes when I sent about 20 messages to your app they need a long time to arrive. Why is your app so slow?

Me: We are using Google Cloud Messaging to deliver messages. There is no guarantee when messages arrive.

Client: So such a big company is the fault? And not you? Pls make it faster. Make it always act the same.

Working as a programmer is pain in the ass because the people with the money don't know a shit about anything.

I changed just a fucking useless string.. I deployed the "new version" and I told him I boosted everything.

Today he spoked with my buddy about another thing and he told him by the way the app is now much faster.

..placebo update

Normal app: "DEV I NEED THIS, 1 STAR. WITHOUT THIS IS SHIT"
devrant app: "Guys, I've created a client for desktop computer for devrant, tell me if I can upgrade anymore"

Such beautiful community ♥

Client: I want you to reverse engineer this piece of software!!
*posts some link to an exe on altervista along with some unrelated crap*
Oh and "I PAY"! (Because you can't even take that for granted anymore these days.)

Me: Alright, I'll look into it but I'm not a reverse engineering expert so don't expect too much.
*Closes Facebook*

Client, day after: Hey have you looked into it already? Have you finished it already?! HEY, RESPOND ALREADY!!!

Me (thinking): YEAH AFTER 1 DAY AND NO PAYMENT DETAILS WHATSOEVER, I INSTANTLY DROPPED EVERYTHING JUST TO PLEASE YOU, FILTHY RAT SACK!! You fucking wish, motherfucker. Down to lowest priority you go! And if I don't feel like doing it, how about I just drop your request and tell you to suck my fleshy snek, HOW ABOUT THAT HUH? Fucking piece of shit 😤

Prospective client: “I have a website through which I sell music, both physical copies and downloads, but am having all kinds of issues with it”.

Me: “Like what? Tell me more.”

Client: “Go to www... I’ll go through them with you”.

So I go, and client proceeds to rattle off a list of totally random shit for the next 26 and a half minutes without even stopping for breath, telling me what he’d prefer, talking through how easy other “similar” websites are and comparing his own website to them, as well as all the things that flat out just don’t work. He ended with the line “I just paid my developer who told me it was all good, but now he’s telling me he’s too busy to work on it”.

Meanwhile I’ve had a gander at “view source” and can see it’s been “built” with Wordpress, and with a fuck ton of plugins and shit to boot... you can only imagine the sense of euphoria I’m feeling at this point.

Me: “Did you have a contract with your developer?”

Client: “Nah”.

Me: “Do you have a budget in mind, either for just making right or for ongoing development?”

Client: “Yes, but minimal”.

Me: “So what do you want from me?”

Client: “I want to know how much it’s going to cost to fix!!!!” (apparently irritated by my question).

Me: “Oooook... Is there any way I can have access to your website to investigate, or clone it so I can recreate what’s going on?”

Client: “Yes” (gives me details of how to log in to his hosting, and WP admin).

Turns out, he had over 50 active plugins for literally EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. PIECE of functionality on his website. Furthermore, it was pretty clear that some plugin functionality overlapped, because... well, if you don’t know how to do something, install a plugin or seven to get it done, right?

Me: “So can I ask, what exactly is your budget? Just to give me ballpark as to how best move forward?”

Client: After going into how he’s already spent a lot of money on it already, “If we could we agree on below £200?”

Me: “...what, a month?”

Client: “No! In total. To make it right. Once it’s done it’s done, surely?!?!”

*a long silence*

Client: “So... what do you think?”

Me: “Burn it. Burn it all down”.

How my birthday is going so far:
1. Dropped coffee on my shirt
2. Client is wondering why we removed a feature that he wants yet asked us to remove a week ago
3. Dev server is no longer working
4. Internet connection is shit
5. My VPN keeps on disconnecting (see #4)

Is this day going to end or what?

I suddenly remembered this after being gone from my previous company for nearly a year.

So, I worked there as a tech supporter and Linux engineer.
What would often happen was clients calling with an issue regarding software of some sorts and about half the time, instead of LOOKING AT THE GODDAMN ERROR MESSAGE they'd just click it away fast and complain shit wasn't working.

I specifically remember this one case:

*big client mails complained that one of their clients' email isn't working. Screenshots weren't possible apparently so after emailing back and forth for way too long, we decide to do a screen sharing session (which we never do).*
(for the record, already emailing for hours, client very frustrated, me as well because the behavior of the software sounds impossible)

Me: alright, close everything, then open it again so I can see what happens.
Client: *opens mail client, error appears, client clicks error away faster than an arch user being able to mention they use arch*
Me: uhm.... I assume you already know what that message said and that it has nothing to do with the issue?
Client: it has nothing to do with the issue.
Me: okay... But have you at least looked the message?
Client: no but it has nothing to do with the issue.
Me: but, how'd you know if you won't look at it?
Client: it has nothing to do with the issue, okay?
Me: okay.... so, what's happening here?
Client: the user isn't receiving email anymore at this point!
Me: alright, have you checked the settings and everything?
Client: of course, all good
Me: okay but can we at least restart the software again to at least check the error message?
Client: FINE. *restarts client (pun intended, of course)*
Error message: username or password incorrect, can't connect to the server.
Client:..........
Client:............
Client:...............
Client:..................
Client:.....................
Client:..................
Client:...............
Client:............
Client:.........
Client: 😐
Client: 😶
Client: 😅
Client: 😬
Client:..... Right, I changed the password...
Client: *sets correct password*
*poof, error message gone*
Client:..... Thanks 💀
Me: you're welcome 😄

💀

Going on a vacation, so notify all clients that I won't be available during two weeks.

Client: well we have this huge presentation and here's a list of stuff we absolutely need for it
Me: sure I have a look.
Me: holy shit dude! That's gona take about 2-3 days. I'm leaving soon!
Client: it's realy critical to have them in a week as it's a very important presentation! Is there any way you can make it work? If we can do anything to help, just name it.
Me: well I'll do my best (planed 1 day for such rhings)
Me: *pulling a 15h day*
Me: here, all done budy! Did a 15h but now it's done, so do that presentation!
Client: oh, nice, but it wasn't that urgent
Me: ...

Next day:
Client ssh in to the server, fucks shit up
Client: well I did a thing and now stage and prod is fucked, can you do anything?
Me: (knowing it will take 30min to fix) well... I try my best. Btw. I'll leave in a few hours and won't take my computer, so try not to fuck every thing again, okay?

Rekked/insulted a client so hard today in a way which was obvious for me/colleagues but not for the client that the colleague sitting next to me completely fucking lost it. (client did not detect/notice it)

That's entirely fine as he was not too loud but his laughter is so fucking contagious that he went outside to make sure that I wouldn't catch it any worse while on the phone.

God damn it took some serious self control to not completely lose my shit xD (it only partly worked 😅)

This is so fucking, fucking annoying.

Client (through ticket system): here's new nameservers my domain has to use, please enter them thank you!"
Me: you can easily do that yourself! *gives link to extremely fucking easy click-done tutorial*
Client: oh but I'm not technical, could you please do it anyways?

HAVE YOU EVEN FUCKING LOOKED AT THE LINK?!

THIS SHIT HAPPENS EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

Client: We're gonna be hosting our site on [Overly popular shit host] via a shared hosting account.

Me: Well the performance isn't going to be stellar with WordPress on there, but if that's what you want, sure. I'll enable all the cache rules possible and make sure PHP 7 is running it, but there won't be any further optimizations I can do to make it faster with such limited hosting access.

[Next day after launching the website...]

Client: The website is super slow. I thought you were going to optimize it?

Me: That is the loading time with the optimizations I said I can apply. That host isn't great for performance unfortunately.

Client: Well you're going to need to find us a reputable host as a replacement, set up the account and move the website there so we aren't waiting forever for a page to load.

Me (in a reply via email):

This is just my token of appreciation for the Skype devs. Can't begin to say how much I hate it. Your android app is a joke even after a host of updates, your desktop client is an even bigger joke (atleast Linux Beta version, I know betas aren't supposed to be stable but this is ridiculous).

You have reinvented chat clients to be extremely bulky, cumbersome and very hard to sync across devices. And you have managed to make it "buffer" more than a YouTube video does on a 2G network. I for one, am blown over by how you did that. And to top it all, you can't close the client on Linux atleast! All you did is just override the close button so that it only minimises it. Brilliant piece of work right there!

Why the hell can't you just close the client and run it in the background the proper way like everyone else does? Why does it have to take 20 *** seconds to open a message? The only reason I am stuck with this is some wierdos in the office still only use this. Get your shit together 😡

Ahh.. I feel much better now.

pm: our client wants a proprietary pdf compression app.
me: Okay gimme 3 days and some sample PDFs.
pm: they won't supply any sample PDFs because they contain confidential information.
me: okay fine, I'll download some from the interwebs.

** 3 days later **

me: here is the pdf compression app. all done and works with all of about 100 PDFs we tested with.
pm: okay great I'll have the client take a look.

** half and hour later **

pm: the client said that the compression app errors out.
me: okay I'll go look at the server logs to see what's up.

** 10 seconds later **

me: what the shit is a "foxit phantompdf" file.
pm: it's the proprietary pdf format that they are using.
me: oh joy. I'll go try to find some sample files and see if I can fix it.

** 1 hour later, no sample files found **

pm: got anything?
me: *sobs obnoxiously*

starting to make a python devrant client and just got rant viewing working (but it looks like shit)

Client: why hasnt anything been done for the new site?
Me: because you never paid for the last one thats been put into production
Client: yeah but that was a smaller simple site. I need this one up and done already
Me: it'll be worked on when I get paid for my previously worked time for you.
Client: but that was a month ago. I don't understand why you are asking for payment now
Me: because you never paid me for last months work!!
Client: but its may now
Me: holy shit, -clients name-, I know very well what month it is and dont need a lesson. I also know better than to work for free. I have bills to pay just like you and everyone else so until you have paid the last invoice, I'm not lifting a finger for you. That includes answering your calls
Client: oh well why didnt you just say that to begin with

Motherfucking fuck people are horrid and dumb and make me violent

When the client forks your design and does his own shit and now everything is pain. Time to leave my client. -4

Me listening to my boss trying to explain to a client how I fixed their shit...

So today I got removed from my freelance project because the client found out I listen to slipknot! What the actual FUCK? How the FUCK does it matter what I listen to?

And that cunt eater isn't willing to pay for the work I've already completed since "Slipknot is anti-Christian".

Burn in hell you piece of shit.

Literally JUST told a client FUCK YOU, PAY ME! We both gonna legal up for this shit.

Client: Extend string size for that URL field. I have to input a really large URL in there.

Me: Please show me the URL first.

Client: Here it is //randomurl.com/random-route/15363783?i=jfjfjfjjfjfjhf&shit=jfjfjkfkfkgjfjjhh74747jdjh&you=kfjfjbhgg779hdhhd&not=jfjhdh63737#fuckingKiddingMe

Me: You can leave the whole part after the question mark. Insert it like //randomurl.com/random-route/15363783

Client: Ok, great. Thanks.

#####

Me later checking the data inserted:

//randomurl.com/random-route

I hate humans.

Client: "We are extremely satisfied with your great work for almost three years now and we are super thrilled to work with you in the future and benefit from your amazing work."
Dev: *makes one tiny little mistake*
Client: "Oh burn in hell you cock sucking piece of shit!"

FUCK YOU PHP!!!! FUCKING HELL JUST FUCK THE HELL OFF YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
8 GOD FORSAKEN HOURS SPENT TRYING TO ZIP SOME SHITTY FUCKING FILES IN A FOLDER ON MY WEB SERVER TO HAVE THEM DOWNLOADED TO MY CLIENT COMPUTER.... 8 HOURS UNABLE TO OPEN THE DAMN FILE AND THE ISSUE WAS "echo" & "print_r()" STATEMENTS GETTING TRAPPED IN MY ZIPARCHIVE BUFFER MAKING THE ZIP FILE A GIANT PILE OF UNREADABLE SHIT.
HOW IN GODS NAME WERE THOSE FUCKERS EVEN BEING ADDED TO THE ZIP FILE.

Fucking hell. Time to sleep.

Got hired by a company. Their iOS application was shit and client was breathing down their neck. Basically got their application up to scratch. Now everything is stable and client is happy. And I get laid off + They owe me two months of pay. All I get from them are excuses. What is the lesson here?

Fuckin hell!!

Code works everywhere except at one client. Ok, I check logs & see something missing.. I go check the code that handles excel files.. try catch and do nothing.. great.. :/ ok let's log this shit to see what is not ok...
Insert logs, build, update, run.. now it freakin works o.O

Now, I work at a hosting company in the UK, as a linux support engineer. I've seen many cases where a number of clients ran one of the following:

rm -rf / something
rm -rf /var/cache (attempt to magento)
chmod 777 /var
chown -R user:user /*

Half the time, they're like "Hey guys, I dun did fuck up, please help!". The other half of the time, they piss me off. Here's a number of responses that really grinds my gears:

"Such a harmful command should really prompt for input before running" -- From the buy you "forced" a recursive rm command, which mutes such a feature.

Client: "I did no such thing"
Me: "I've seen the command history, and at the time the command was run, you were the only person logged in"
Client: "You're mistaken, You're reading the information wrong"
Me: "I assure you, I'm not, I know what I'm looking at"
Client: "Well you're a shit engineer"
Me (thought): "Says the fucker who doesn't know how to linux"

I like people who own up to fuck ups. But the ones that don't, are just making their lives harder, since we have all the evidence in front of us.

Most of these people are the developers, and in some cases, the sysadmins...

I made an automatization bot for a big company from my town (freelance). Today I had to shut it down because I've been waiting 3 weeks for my payment (they only had 5 days after finishing development to pay)

Fuck the fucking client, fuck this fucking shit

Had a client who was not satisfied with dropdowns, nor checkboxes. He wanted dropdown checkboxes.

Well, horrible shit but nothing javascript can't do.

The most pissed off I've been at work?

Client X came to us for a website.
We secretly outsourced the work.
Client X is coming for a visit in 10 mins...

MD to me: "I've told them your lead dev on this. They're not super-technical so if they ask you about the project just tell them it's going well."

Now I'm not a comfortable blagger, I don't have that kind of confidence, so to ask me to lie like this makes me feel really stressed and uncomfortable. Furthermore, I had literally no idea about any aspect of the work we were supposedly doing for this client. I can barely contain my panic but my colleagues help me piece together a basic understanding.

The MD returns: "They're here now. Can you quickly go and check that the toilets are clean."

WHAT THE FUCK!? The little prick. I'd knock him out if wasn't so meek and pathetic. I tell myself that I'm being helpful and nice but in truth I'm just his fucking doormat and he has zero respect for me.

I have no problem cleaning stuff (we all basically tidy up behind us) but this is something he could have done. Furthermore, who cares? None of us leave the loos with piss on the floor and shit smeared across the walls. They're never anything less than client-ready so to ask me to check means that he's already checked them himself and one of the loos is not quite shiny enough.

The reader may feel that this is no big deal (and in some ways you're right) but everything about this scenario was fucked up. The MD had embroiled the whole company in a lie and assumes we're all okay with that, then to add insult just nonchalantly orders me to clean the bogs. The cunt.

FWIW The client didn't ask to talk to me or use the toilet during their visit.

* I send an APK so that my client can test*

My client: I can't install the application

Me: Did you download and install it from the email I sent you?

client: No I downloaded from the play store.

(In my mind: Why the fuck do you Download it from the play store? I fucking sent you an email to 3 of your fucking email addresses so that you can fucking test the fucking APK that I fucking fixed it for you! You fucking worthless peice of shit!)

But I reacted as: No no, you should download the apk from the email I sent. I've sent it to all your email addresses.

client: I can't find the APK In your email.

(In my mind: Wow! I just don't get it! How can you be so stupid? I'm just wondering how your company hired you as a 'director for X')

*I send him a Screenshot proving that the apk exists*

Turns out that this idiot doesn't know to use outlook for Android! He then logs in to his gmail and finds the apk.(Coz I had emailed it to his outlook and gmail accounts)

M just wondering, should I drop this guy? Or charge him 2x for this shit?

"I should really make better offsite backups"

"Right, this service doesn't do client side encryption"

"Oh this one doesn't have a Linux client"

"OK this one only sets up a single directory you can dump shit into"

"Wtf this one charges more than a high class escort girl"

Whatever... I'm sure my house won't burn down.

FUCK YOU! YOU PIECE OF SHIT CLIENT!
I work my ass off for a month and deliver you the best possible design for your problem and a great booking system and you open up a dispute on the order stating the work I received was poor?

GO FUCK YOURSELF :@ :@ :@
Everything is working beautifully, I uploaded it on a test website to even demonstrate it. The only problem is he is getting the error of mysqli class not found on his fucking potato server, that is not my fault! Even then, I am willing to install the php mysqli extension on his dick server so the fucking "script" works.

Some people just need a fucking reason to get away with good work done without having to pay...I will leave freelancing if the dispute ends up in his favour.

Fuck this shit. At least I get confirmed payment for what I work for 8 hours a day if I do a fucking job.

So today I decided to switch to angular 4(material) on a project I had done. I have to say I am shocked by the sheer size of the node modules dependencies I have to install. Why wouldn't they just ship it all in one package. 😤 I had to install the client, material SDK, animations etc and all this is happening over shit sub-saharan Africa internet speed. I have been setting up for the past 5 hours and I'm only halfway through. If anyone reading this rant has a company that works to bring internet to Africa please hurry. We need you.

Every fucking time its the same shit:
Our nontechnical managers meet with the client and try to pass technical requirements to us..
These pieces of shit don't get that this only makes things worse.

Making everyone waste fucking time trying to understand requirements that would be a lot fucking easier if any of us were is any fucking meeting.
But nooooo... We have to fucking be the whole team in fucking meetings with these cock suckers so they can realize they didn't get shit and the back and forth bullshit begins:

We ask questions
They don't know
They schedule meeting with client
They ask their moronic way
The client answers
They schedule meeting with us
We ask questions...

And this fucking loop goes on for-fucking-EVER!

Fuuuuuuck this!!

Client: "We don't want line breaks in that column make it 500px wide!"
Me: Makes the column 500px wide. Sees that the line breaks are still there. Asks if it should be made wider to fit the text.
Client: "Just implement what we send you"
Me: Ok (thinking wtf)
Client after testing: "Why are there still line breaks?!?"
🙄😥😤😭
Why the actual hell can't they get there freaking requirements in order?!? This shit happens with every fourth request!

Motherfucking WordPress coupled with motherfucking sales people.

If you promise the client something, please fucking relay it via the correct process (i.e the fucking ticketing system that took me a month to write for the company - it's seriously just a click away on your desktop.). "I told your boss" is not a fucking apt excuse.

My boss forgets, and well, doesn't give a fuck about procedure either.

Now you phone my boss and he phones me, on a fucking Sunday evening, telling me that the client was promised a website by tomorrow morning at 10AM. You tell me this at fucking 9PM.

Why didn't you tell me earlier? How the fuck am I supposed to shit out something I would be proud of in a few hours? Nevermind me fucking up my sleeping routine; how the fuck?

Conversation went like this:
"xyz was promised this site by sales person fuckTwit, I need this live by Monday morning. I have sent you a few images. Make it in WordPress, client says they want a 'tangy looking theme'.

Me: it's a bit unrealistic requesting this, is there no way we can extend the time so I have time to create this?
Also, what do you mean by 'tangy'?

Boss: don't know. Make it happen. No excuses.

What the fuck is a tangy theme? When I become a webDev at the company? More importantly, fucking WordPress?!

Now I'm sitting on this shit, tired as a manatee in mating season, and using goddamn WordPress.

I have to halt my irritation, because I get severely irritated when I'm tired, I have to restrain myself from telling the involved parties tomorrow to install the FuckYourself WordPress plugin, coupled with a resignation letter.

Same sales person got me in shit a while ago, because I refused to give him access to the network to download fucking cartoons. Sales director went and moaned that his bitch (the sales person) needs this for a presentation. Yeah fucking right.
Go Snorkelling in a sewer truck you egotistic, megalomaniacal, indecent, outrageous, horrible motherfucker of a person.

Time to develop a fucking website with, oh, a company profile pamphlet.

Times like this I keep telling myself, "my time will come, my time will come".

He: Hi Lexter, our client made a website on WIX.
Me: And he wants to remake the website due to SEO, shit code, design and all other aspects.
He: How do you know?
Me: Realy?

So I did a rookie mistake this week. Connected a webapp for a client using Nginx and installed the SSL cert for the site. I decided to activate the firewall of the server because hey security. All was well. Went home feeling like I am the shit.

Next day I find out I can't log in to the server over ssh. Only to find out that I had forgotten to allow SSH through the firewall.

I had basically locked myself out of the server. 😞

Client: I saw this feature on a site and I want it on mine.

Me: I’m almost done with the project. You can’t possibly expect me to start adding new features now.

Client: Just go online and copy the code. I won’t take that long. It shouldn’t be difficult if you’re a professional.

WTF is wrong with people. The worlds gone to shit. Who does he think he is?

"Can't we extract the UNIX from Linux and use it as our server operating system?"

fml

Linux isn't even based on UNIX, but this piece of shit of a bitch of client was so freaking stubborn, and wanted a RAR file of UNIX from me

Client calls: "hey man, my shit isnt working".
Me: "uh... Have you pressed ctrl+f5?" while coding on the speed of light so i can say it was his browser problem

There's nothing like getting a angry client calling at 9am about their site being broken because their shit for brains son was messing around with my PHP.

They were legit cursing at me about how unprofessional and shit i was. Good start to the day.

Guys, I think it's time to fight back!

Whenever a client ask you about IE9 support, tell him to find someone else, because noone the fuck uses IE9 and if someone somehow does, then it's his fault!

Then he will search for other dev, but if we all do so, we can forget about supporting stupid old shit again!

Fucking evopdf, I spent 2 days trying to figure out why the fuck my js isn't rendering the html for printing. I created the structure in html already, and it's rendered perfectly with js DOM, when evopdf ran from backend it shows nothing, tried not using external script, tried to put value one by one, it works, my css is also broken, thanks fucker, the client only asked to directly download the html page instead of save as PDF. I thought why the fuck not?

evo pdf modified my CSS element for some odd reason, flex and grid got messed up, page width also fucked along with font size, doesn't support some javascript function. I shit you not the .after and let doesn't work. Fucking garbage

Edit: it worked now, but I spend hours today rewriting everything just to looks decent and it still looks like shit fml

Got to a client, we are taking over their software dev and IT.

"you're not touching my code ". Listen fuck twit, a robocopy script is not fucking code.
"I wrote a 3500 line code for this company" no fuck twit, you wrote a whole lot of fucking gibberish that looks like someone shat out BASH and it met html along the way. It doesn't compile, it doesn't run, it's a fucking dormant file. You charged people for shit all.

Setting up exchange is also not a big whoop.

Moving them over to CentOS server (he had them on XP still), and writing enough code to qualm my frustration at people.

So this client wanted a demo on Dockers. So I gave the demo with some microservices running on different containers. Later the clients come back and say, "Docker is good. But please fit all the microservices in one container." I say but that defeats the purpose of microservices. But no, the client say. I tried explaining but no is no. Shit!! Fine! Have it your way!!

Well on my first job we had to integrate payment gateways in client apps for online payment. On my second week in office I published an app on the play store with payment gateway credentials for a different client cause they were there as default values. So the money for one client would go to the other. Nobody noticed it for two weeks and when they did, I thought I had just lost my job and also I would now have to pay all the losses out of my pocket but fortunately I didn't have to cause no transactions​ had yet been made. After that I always checked my integrations atleast five times before publishing. The incident scared the shit out of me but taught me the value of developer responsibility.

"There is a problem with A, could you check it out? It's urgent for the client"
Me: Okay, just open a ticket for it too.
*Working on A"

After about ten minutes:
"Hey, there is a small problem B and it's also urgent for the client, we need you to check it out"
Me: I'm working on A and you are yet to open a tick... (Interrupted)
"But it's urgent and it's a small fix, we can fix it and push it to prod, A can wait for a bit"
(Since when is it a "we"?)
Me: *sigh* fine, lets see what's B is all about...

*After going over problems C to Z*

"Why isn't A ready yet? The client's mad and it was to be ready as of today"
Me: Because you had problems from B to Z and they were all urgent according to you so after each request you asked of me I had to postpone A with you knowing about it.
"But A is for today!"

FUCK YOU, YOU WORTHLESS WASTE OF JIZZ! YOU RAN TO ME FOR EVERY GOD DAMN URGENT PROBLEM YOU HAD FROM OUR SHIT OF A CLIENT AND INSTEAD OF TELLING ME THE PRIORITY YOU JUST THROWN IT ALL IN A RANDOM ORDER!
FUCK YOU! I WISH YOUR FATHER WOULD'VE SHOT YOU OUT THE WINDOW INSTEAD OF INSIDE YOUR MOTHERS CUNT!

Believe it or not… This means shit is doing what it is supposed to…

EDIT: Sorry for length web client users .-.

😡😡 JUST SHUT UP IF YOU REALLY HAVE NO CLUE😡😡

This is literally THE TYPICAL CLIENT

Holy shit I never realised how frustrating it is to code for a client the way they want it... I mean I just want to go back to coding for fun

Outlook is the shittiest mail client ever .. whenever I develop an email template it comes nicely to any other email clients... except for this shit which ruins everything..

Got this rude ass email from an idiot client who thinks I'm solely responsible for figuring out how to link his 3rd party email/newsletter sign up form to his new website without any access to the account. He "doesn't have the time to research". Newsflash asshat, I'm not responsible for your 3rd party shit. Go contact their support. 🙄😑

So, apparently we had this important meeting with a client offsite this morning, I was "told" yesterday but nobody thought of creating a calendar event or sharing emails about it. I forgot, I don't even know the address or the hour.

My boss and this sneaky front ender came by at 11am joking about me not remembering.

Me: wow, I forgot. If it isn't on the calendar I don't even know it exists.

Turned to my screen and got back to work.

Fuck this shit.

client: We need a system that will monitor the items from warehouse X from a distant location

us: Okay then first, we need to setup a server for that. So, we need a downpayment for labor.

client: I'll pay you when the system is done. 100%.

us: ...

we don't shit money to handle the costs given that we're still starting out our business. Fts.

Clients are SUCH FUCKFACES!
So me and 3 friends developed a website and logo for an hr company, run by this woman and she loved it
She was our client for GOMC. Now, since it was a "project" she assumed she didn't had to pay for the whole thing....fine I agreed to just getting maintenance, to maintain goodwill and getting some more clients maybe

One day she wakes up and wants half of the shit altered....NOW, after almost over a month..Fucking bitch
She now wants a fucking RAINBOW colored logo...And she added "it must look professional OK?"...The fuck? Now we have to change the cards, letterheads, UI (entirely). Basically everything and doesn't wanna pay for shit
FML

If you're a client and abuse the info given to you by any of the platforms to come visit me, I won't hestitate to call the police again, you fucking lunatic.

In what fucking mind does that even make sense, so damn lucky I wasn't actually here and just saw it on the CCTV, fucking trespassing piece of shit.

Waiting for the police to report back, so I can use any possible opportunity to reflect it in his public record, fucking cunt.

Client company will only move to the cloud once they learn their competitor has, in fact, moved to the cloud. Way to compete guys.

You ain't shit.

Sold the company and started working fulltime at a company in a different sector a year or so ago.

Today one of the ops people comes up and says that someone is on the phone asking for me.

One of my old clients apparently had a question about their site. Turns out that they tracked me down on LinkedIn, and called my new company's public line just to see if I would be available to help them out.

Fortunately the new powers that be took that one in their strides..

Me : *trying to download latest version of android studio*
Google: "Your client does not have permission to get URL /studio/index.html from this server. That’s all we know."
Me: FUCK YOU GOOGLE
Me: *googles: دانلود اندروید استودیو* (which means download android studio)
*and downloads it from a random website*

It happens every goddamn time, why the fuck i can't download this shit !? Because these countries are fighting each other all the time! What did i do wrong in my life? I just want to download your fucking app to write another shitty app to continue my fucking life. I don't know shit about this wars happening, I'm just a dev like others all over the world.
Downloading an app, is that too much to ask? Well fuck you then.

Today a client requested me create a full portal for him (including a CMS, a Blog , a News Aggregator + LOGO & Android App )
guess how much he was ready pay for it ?
3,000,000 (iran Rial) in US dollar equlas to lower than 100$ :|

why they think we are doing magic ?

PM: Hey listen, client sent us his feedback about the app that we need to fix, they wont take time.
Me: Sure no problem.

5 Minutes later:
*Receives email*
*checks email*
15 easy tasks that take not time to finish BUT they are put inside ONE FUCKING TASK ON JIRA! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT! 15 IN ONE YOU DUMB FUCK!
MOVE YOUR LAZY ASS AND WRITE EACH IN ITS OWN MOTHERFUCKING TASK!

Another reason on why I hate humans -_-

SQL injection holes everywhere... The original author of the product put concatenated SQL queries throughout the whole application. If it's not the client asked for a penetration test, we as developers wouldn't even be given chance to fix this shit.

I'm actually glad to have the chance. I can't live seeing them every day but force myself to ignore them.

So today one of my client told me that my script is freezing their website on IE browsers. I tested and told them that website is being freezed even without my script.
Now they sent me analyzed scenario and they concluded that it freezes 4 out of 10 times without script. But it freezes 12 out if 15 times with script -_-. So there is something really wrong with the script and I need to fix it urgently otherwise they will kick me out. #fuckedupLogic
Funny thing is that same script is loaded in so many other client's website and it doesn't freeze any shit.

Client wanted a website to offer rentals for her collection of student rental properties. She was adamant and stipulated that it had to be the Rightmove of student lets. I asked her if she had a £million plus budget for the marketing and then some for the infrastructure and mobile app development. She disapeared. Months later I checked the URL she had purchased and it had been done as a free site on wix.com and was a dreadful piece of shit. You just know instinctively that a client is going to be worthless.

I might have told this in other rants, but this thing (requested from the client) is one of the worst thing I've ever done.

So we were developing a website to find the stores of a certain brand across the country, specifically: Italy.
In Italy, a lot of towns have accents and apostrophes in their name.
Client managers wanted ALL DATA to be capitalized, including letters with accents, but the client management was using Windows and Windows doesn't simply let you enter capital letters with accents from the keyboard, so the client requested to make a procedure to turn every apostrophe into an accent, therefore a town named like "CA' DEL BOSCO" would be "CÀ DEL BOSCO" (which is wrong) as they just couldn't bother copy-pasting from Word.

An important thing to notice is that most Italian towns with apostrophes don't have accents and most towns with accents don't have apostrophes, and that specific routine couldn't figure out what to exactly, so we ended up having all the stuff messed up.

The feature was a total SHIT, but the client was extremely happy with it, so we didn't even bother arguing with that.

Me: Do you like the client?
Dude: Yeah! How did you make that?
Me: I... I...
Also me: SHIT I DON'T KNOW.

In the middle of a big project, many demands from the biggest client of yhe company, he left the country and called the boss after 2 days tellinf him he's not coming.
boss is angry,
client is angry,
I am happy.. because client is a piece of shit liar asshole

How the fuck am I going to make a fucking email signature appear the same everywhere when the client insists in using a piece of shit software called Outlook and I am a goddam backend developer.

I don't give a shit about spacing and color and stupid fucking fonts.

Thank for listening. Have a great day.

Updated a website for an older client today. Realized I originally wrote their website in 2002.

That web site is a fucking non-responsive piece of shit... but it is still running normally after 18 years.

Just HTML/CSS and some light JS/PHP for form processing. It's not fancy but it still performs and works perfect on Desktop and OK on mobile. Mobile devices which DID NOT EXIST when I wrote it.

Let this be a lesson to the entire new class of developers who seems to think you need some framework to develop. You don't. And I GUARANTEE if that site used any framework that framework would have been retired or updated to un-useability 10 years ago.

Meanwhile my LAMP ass "web native" shit spaghetti with ZERO DEPENDENCIES is still just chugging the fuck along.

So... Manager pulls us in. Meeting in 10 minutes guys. I know it's unplanned, but it's important.

Not only is it the 10th time he's interrupted my workflow, but it's almost time to go home. And I was getting some important shit done.

Anyways, come the meeting: we are going to abandon all the work we've done on our microservice platform (2yrs+ in the making) and make it a monolith. Oh, and we have to do it in 4 weeks, because a client is asking for it. Oh, and you'll probably have to do overtime.

🤦‍♂️ FML

Dumbass client renamed jpeg extension when asked for a png file. Ofcourse Android build system is little more sophisticated than that.
What a shit day!

First week of being self employed is going well. I’ve clearly learnt from the best start ups out there

Ashleigh: Ashleigh, you’re a shit dev you can’t meet deadlines

Ashleigh: Well you’re a shit manager Ashleigh, you don’t listen to any of the dev

Ashleigh: Well fuck you I quit

Ashleigh: you can’t quit you’re fired

Ashleigh: you can’t fire me, I’ve dissolved the company so you’re redundant

Ashleigh: yea well I’m Ganna take this up with HR

Ashleigh to HR: dear Ashleigh, I’m being harassed by Ashleigh

Ashleigh at HR: sorry Ashleigh, as a start up we don’t have a HR department so we can get away with harassment and grievances. All the best, Ashleigh.

Client: hi Ashleigh, Ashleigh said she’d have it finished by today

Ashleigh: hi client Ashleigh, we’ve had to let Ashleigh go, we’ll update you once we’ve found a replacement Ashleigh

Ashleigh: Ashleigh ashlrigh ashlrigh alscbuddjdhsgs

Sorry I’ve had 553 ml of monster :D think I’ve gone mad...

FUCK ME!!

For a job, I have to create a form with more than 20 fields!! FUCK!!

The most shitty part is that I need to gather all the shit users fill in (if they even fill it in) and place in a shitty e-mail and send that to the client!! FUCK!!

Ironic is when the lecture slides about consistency models are inconsistent with the book they are based on 😂

When client requesting something, it has to be done ASAP.

But when i ask about the payment...

I must sign some documents declaring the job was done

The documents then must be sent to manager

The manager must create another document to be sent to finance division

The finance sent that thing to director to sign the damn document so finance can make a payment

Oh shit the first document before i start the project went missing, i have no idea why they need that

Some weeks has been passed till today

Cant find the document

Recreate the document

I must sign it back but they said no worries, we can advance to next step so i can get paid today

Manager creates a document

Manager sent that document into finance

Oh shit the financial division is having some seminar, its friday so it will be processed on monday

WTF

Monday morning: The last straw.

After talking about in a previous rant about how my client wants to fix bugs that keeps popping out after bug fix.

Today I discovered, that all C-levels, worked all Saturday to "fix my code" because it "didn't work" and we "needed bug fixes not pretty things".

The app version I was working on for the last week is gone. Without mentioning that their "CTO" wrote a fucking crappy code to disable features that I added, breaking the build step.

This shit is enough for me, I'm done!

I hate when a client says, hear me out. As though I give a fuck about the details of your shit idea.

We are now in a full swing enshittification of the entire internet. Almost no companies are interested in providing any value, it's the phase of securing the position between those that provide value and clients - and just collecting rents. Capture enough of the market, milk the product and the client, turn the service into shit while charging progressively more until it all burns and crashes. And then, well, pass go, collect $200, rinse and repeat.

Anyone else hate it when your client knows jack shit and asks you for something that they think is easy but for you is a weeks worth of shit? Yeah it sucks balls

Getting pissed off with this shit. Wouldn't mind but I didn't even fucking subscribe to your bullshit content to be injected into my mail client so fuck you.

SEO analyst (hired by client) sends his inform to client, designer and developer (me) and all it says is: use friendly urls, proper use of h1, h2..., use alt in img tags...

Come on dude! Those are obvious things to any webdev out there who earns his salary. Do YOUR fucking job, do some fucking research and DO NOT dare to tell me page title and meta description are important (Really? No shit genius!) and tell me THE page title and THE fucking meta description... Or...

Fuck off and go find some other victim to trick with your bullshit marketing slang.

Fucking spotify client is so bad.

Sometimes I want to listen to some music while coding in the train. Turn on "offline mode" and go to "artists". Only one fucking song of soad. I go to "songs" and suddenly 10 songs of soad.I go to playlists and 40 more songs.

Get your fucking shit together. If you have 50 songs downloaded in some playlist you can display them in "songs" and "artists" too you pile of shit

When you forget that you paused dropbox sync 2 days ago and the client starts questioning my progress, I remembered today - resumed sync and the client responded with "wow shit!" A little awkward..

A few weeks ago a client came to us asking for edits on their site. They had a developer in their office but they fired him a few days prior. After some looking at the piece of garbage they called a website I told my supervisors that it was built in Adobe Muse and from what I could find in a few quick searches it's shit and I didn't want to learn to use a shit tool. Apparently as a company we decided to hire a freelancer to handle this despite the fact that we didn't build the site and the client isn't paying for maintenance so I'm not sure why it's our fault.

Fast forward to today:
I've been in the office for 19 hours straight trying to learn how to use Muse and fix the client's site because somehow the freelancer managed to delete the mobile version of the site. When I ask my supervisors why I'm fixing and supporting a site we didn't build and don't have experience working in and the response is: we're presenting the client with a $50k proposal and we need all the good graces we can get.

Unless I'm gonna see some of the commission it doesn't really matter what we charge for the site, I make the same whether it's a free site or a $100k site.

$category = 'Story';

Holy shit it finally worked I finally got a private server up and running for an old game, after countless forum posts and broken links (note the form isn't that active anymore since 2010)

After finding a working server source you also need a client with the same version

Even though this was a pet project, it feels good to finally complete it. I might even try to build some custom stuff into it

- Learning a lot of new shit because I don't want to get stuck. Remember, if you're the smartest person in a room/group, you're in the wrong group.
- Create a server and a client for a variation of MultiCube with up to 10 clients, with communication being done via UDP. Yes, I spend way too much time on my cubes.

Final interview for a native Android remote job via Skype

Client: Should we make a hybrid app instead?
Me inside: fucking hybrid app, hell no, the job posting was for a native mobile dev, and hybrid apps are shit
Me: We could have so much flexibility and can adjust so much better in the future when adding features when we go for a native mobile app

*phew* I almost lost my calm back there

Well, not 9 days into 2018 and my client has run out of money. This year is already off to a fantastic start. Now I need to find another paying gig before bills are due. Wish me luck!

This is a story about the shitty client who managed to ruin everyone's day, consistently....

So this client, its our biggest revenue source (about 33% of total) and our boss is total wuss when talking to them because of that... Each meeting he has with them he ends up bending over nd just takes it all...

So after each meeting with those shit heads, it's always the same...

It's our fault for going over budget (them changing their mind like 10 times during a project over key issues has of course nothing to do with it, because hey, we're a flexible company and all we do is modular and extendable right?)

Its our fault for not meeting the deadline, because of course our boss keeps accepting last minute projects like there we're otherwise sitting on our thumbs

And than their fucking contact person... Biggest ass ever, always involving us in his own office politics... I'd throw him through the window

Fuck this short jackass asshole fucker fucking sales director that keeps promising features in no fucking feasible time just for his fuck fucking commission! Then the fucking cocksucker CEO enters the room on a Friday saying: "We will build this because we can't lose this client."

We never fucking had the client you giant asshole piece of shit! He just fucking lied on the demo and we have to deal with that!!! Tired of this shit

I feel so guilty.
I had to make a hotfix today. It is the ugliest piece of shit code I ever intentionally created. But there was no other way. I swear there was no other fucking way!

My boss just assigned this to me. But because she thinks this needs to be a hotfix and can't wait for the next release we just have to change the server and not the client side of our application.
So I had to add a memory to our server so that it knows from which high level method from the client the multiple low level calls to it are coming from.
It just doesn't make sense logically.

I mean I feel like I killed someone. And just so that we get less writes to our DB. I mean yes in some edge cases it is a huge speed-up...
But nothing this fix solves is a new bug.

I'm gonna take a shower now. For like an hour

I am not sure which 24 hours was the craziest one, but I will pick 2.

This one happened just a few weeks after I started working for the one and only company I have ever worked for. The huge-ass multi-tenant website stopped working. There was out of memory exception and nobody knew what is going on. I was still very new and knew shit about how it worked + plus my PHP knowledge was limited back then. Everyone was looking for the culprit but with no luck. Then the next day I finally managed to find a fucking infinite loop in our weather plugin.

We were working on a moderately big project for a client. There was a lot of work lately (on different projects) and we were *very* behind schedule on this one. Deadline? You guessed it - tomorrow. What was worse is that we couldnt move it any further, becuase we already did once before. So I had to work for about 20 hours straight to kinda finish the work. Worst part? Client turned out to be moron and half-scammer, so they are not our client anymore and the project was never deployed to production. Never again.

Server Admins:

Don't fucking make changes to the server configuration and assume that it's going to be functional.

Stop fucking breaking shit on client servers then leaving it for the rest of us to clean up.

Verify your goddamn work before you tell them that their issue is resolved.

NO, YOU ABSOLUTE DISGUSTING GREMLIN OF A JS HTTP CLIENT, I DON'T WANT YOU TO "JsOn.StRiNgiFy" MY PAYLOAD OR DOING ANY WEIRD SHIT

I NEED TO SEND THIS THING EXACTLY AS IT'S WRITTEN, STOP TRYING TO GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO I'M A DEV WITH SOME 7 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE WRITING CODE, I'M SENDING A STRING CUZ I NEED TO SEND A STRING

I was tricky this time and sent a separate email for the client and my boss about the new release.

Client response: "Its very good, runs flawlessly, could you check x if you have the time? It gives errors simetimes"

Boss response: "[...] urgent fix get working on it right now [...]"

Seems like my boss has been the fucking piece of shit all this time :)

I remember the days when I coded just for the fun in it and not for some client I don't give a shit about

I will never understand the need people have to lie about their knowledge or make shit up. Seriously am I the only one to despise that ?!

If you don’t know about something stop trying to make shit up on the go, it’s useless and it will give the wrong idea to people listening to you thinking you know what you’re talking about.

Last example in date:
Me: Here’s this cool repo I found, it’s a discord client implemented in cpp, so it runs natively
Techbro: oh cool, hey @everyone you should download this, it runs natively so there will be no leaks like the normal client

😤

My boss:

Doesn't manage the fucking agile board..

Doesn't call for meetings when we need...

Decides randomly for sprints duration.

Decides to do whatever he feels better with an obvious lack of thought.

Decides what to do based on assumptions instead of FUCKING ASKING THE FUCKING CLIENT!

Oh you stupid piece of shit how many time do we have to go over me explaining you how planning works and you pretending to agree?

God fucking damnit automating a client's "Job applicant form" system is the most boring shit l've ever done.
Get me some damn monkeys to do this
"Oh OK so I just have to take this form and turn it into HTML. Oh shit, 25 check box's, let's just copy paste this shit in over and over. Oh damn, forgot I have to change the name and value fields for each one. God damnit this is boring, I guess I have to"
Fucking hell it's annoying work, Boring, easy, no thought needed. Ended up turning this task into a drinking game. Every time the word "Management" came up, I took a shot. Got me pretty fucked up.
Client emails back; "Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, we have these 3 other forms we want you to automate".
Well fuck at this point I feel like more of an alcoholic than a developer.

What a day! yesterday i submited a new version of our mobile app and the shit began.
The app was validated during the night (AppStore), when i wake up this morning my inbox was full! Basically every users who updated the app was stuck i tried to figure out whats going on. After few hours our customer service called me to help one of our client who was very angry, the funniest part is that the client recognize me... i was his teacher few years ago...
Guys i feel raped... really

PROPRIETARY SHIT SOFTWARE!

It's going on my fucking nerves! I don't want to use closed software anymore! My Company is paying Nokia-Here-Maps money to use there service. But they do not provide the sourcecode to there client-library. WHY FOR FUCKS SAKE? Does it comes to your mind that your library is not perfect and not all use cases are possible? Let my fucking use the library and expend it a little. But GIVE ME SOMETHING UNMINIFIED! It bombards me with errormessages which are no use, because it's not humanreadable.

I don't want to anymore :/

You know it is gonna be "fun" integrating client APIs, when all of them respond with
"Thanks for submitting the request"
And no error or status code whatsoever, no matter what you send.

Also, the client likes to test/call this API in Internet explorer address bar, and doesn't trust Postman. Amazing shit dude.

Fuck today and fuck every piece of shit manager and non-dev coworker that thinks they contribute anything meaningful besides being a fucking idiot and making things complicated. I hope my team, except for the other devs, jumps off a bridge into a valley of dicks and spikes. I hope my client tells them to personally fuck themselves for being such a useless waste of space. Fuck off and die cunts.

Fuck this new client.
Can’t go into much detail but if you think you’ve got it bad, think again. This shit show of a client has taken incompetence, micromanagement and chaos to whole new levels.

Receive several documents of blog posts from a client, each one titled "Blog $n - $category - $title." Cool, the client gave them to me in order and I just have to plug them in.

Enter blogs on site starting with Blog 1.

Client sees the blogs on the site and loses their shit. "I specifically numbered the blogs so you knew what order to put them in! How hard is it to put them in numerical order? Blog 1 is the newest blog and should be first on the page."

The site displays the newest post first, but because any normal person would have named the oldest blog "blog 1" and counted up from there the blogs are in the reverse order the client expected.

What the hell kind of dense motherfucker numbers their blog files in a manner which requires them to rename every file each time they write a new blog post?

As much as we like being elitists for a lot of shit:

I can either set a client with their own admin interface for authoring their content on their sites, spend hours configuring the shit they need and then spend more time setting up everything for a lot of additional shit.

Or

I can set them up with the newer versions of wordpress, call it a day and still charge for maintenance or adding pages to their shit and charge as if i was coding and preparing everything from scratch even though i would tell them It really is no problem charging billed hours for something that takes me minutes.

I dunno about y'all, but I ain't about to neckbeard over shit. I severely believe the hate to be displaced in current iterations of the cms.

When bugs are seen by the client and boss therefore asks me "did you know about this bug?", what I'd really like to answer is:
"well shit, no! I would have solved that or at least told you about it, don't you think? what kind of fucking question is that?"

But then I just answer "no, lemme check"

You guys ever get "Project Zoned"?

When you've been consulting with a client for the past few weeks and then in the end they say "I've decided I'm not going to move forward because it's better for me, blah blah blah. But if I did you'd be the person to do it."

But you spent all that time trying to close the project that seemed so attainable at the time, thinking about the money you could be making. Then you get hit with that shit stick.

God.

You realize that the ERP software you use at your company is shit when:
- there is no service-side ERP backend handling requests
- the whole permission system is client-side (!)
- every client directly connects to the MSSQL database with a supervisor user (stored in plain text in a local config file)
- the MSSQL database contains tables with:
- typos
- names like "contract" but then also "contracts"
- mixed german and english words
- the multiple-business-unit implementation uses 4 columns named "Layer 1, Layer 2, Layer 3, Layer 4" in EACH table
- you find out that the ERP software is created with a fucking "software creation tool"
- there is no API, so you have to program one yourself to use for services

Yet, they charge us shit ton of money for their broken ass software.

I was reluctant to try out flutter earlier on because of claims online stating that hybrid frameworks aren't there yet. That's one hell of a crap!
I fell in love with flutter after completing my first flutter app. Shit was just too easy. So many helpful libraries which has eased my overall workload lately.
We built a Native Android app which took 2months+ to complete and I just finished porting it to flutter for iOS and Android in 3 weeks. Boss was happy, Client was happy, I am freaking joyous, everybody is happy!

From the mouth of a Native Android Dev with over 5yr of exp. This shit called flutter is worthy of all the hype. I fucking kid you not!

I don't know about the past... I assume it was shitty then cus I also blasted it based on git issues but now it seems even more faster to build production worthy apps than anything I've encountered.

My 12 year old bag, now with graphics, goes with me to client meetings and acts as a deterrent for clients talking shit/fake knowledge or cliches.

Being kept up for the entire night.
You ask yourself what is keeping you awake, after all you need to meet with a client about presenting what they ordered from you.
Did you debug it? Yes.
Did you back it up incase something happens? Yes.
Did you get it done in the correct time period? Yes.
Did you export it in the format they had requested? Shit.

So, in my company we where initially about 20 programmers doing two big projects.

The client (who also is the owner of the company) keep asking more and more and more things. Each 3 months we update the site but the client doesn't start the marketing or anything else, so the app don't have any users.

After two years of development, 26 micro services, one big web platform in Python (web2py, bad decision) and a hybrid mobile app the client decide to shut down the project because it was "a little bit illegal".

The second project have the same problems, but this project does have marketing, the shitty part is after two year and a lot of development now the project isn't viable because the market is gone.

The boss calls, says he have some problems and he will fire 18 persons and reduce the payment of the rest, he ask us to "hold" for the good times.

The great idea he had for earn money is rewriting a WordPress app that have 4 years in production to angular (because he, who knows why, thinks angular is the best shit out there)

I want to quit but even with the reduced payment I know he pays way more than the market average, plus I'm still student.

I built a basic MVP for a client as a proof of concept for his startup. It was a quick thing just to prove a point do I rattled it out in procedural php.

Sadly it was successful and has somewhat taken off. It’s also grown arms and legs.

It works. The user will never know, but the code is SHIT. I never thought it would still be here.

I’m want to re-write it now in laravel.

But...... ugh

Oh man, I fucked up...
I was doing after hours work for client, setup website with https.

Can't work over sftp with current user,so I give it the same user ID as apache, get files transferred and shit.
Go back to change uid, set wrong uid, now my user is ntp, I can't get into root, can't set password...
I fucked up

Tail between the legs, sent email to clients support, asking them to fix my user fuck up, waiting for reply

WYSIWANK
Why do they not know this? Spending the time to create beautifully crafted css for bullet lists, only for the client to ignore the bullet list icon in the cms and put some shitty keyboard bullet causing the display page to luck just plain shit. Fucking useless wankers (why do i bother). That's why wysiwyg blocks in cms are a cunt in the hands of fuckwits.

I really feel the need to just blacklist the entire EU, to not deal with additional shit like gdpr, I do see its benefits, but I am already busy with getting my client approved by paywalls, other services and get all that bullshit integrated - I really don't need having to also shit out some very detailed statement about it all, if you want something like that, then create a generator that gives me all you want with couple clicks, else get fucked outta my sight.

Seriously these assholes just gave me shit over half a day and made me use vacation time for a client holiday recently when I work so many hours that family and sleep are a fading fucking reminder of a different life....

Seriously....fuck you

You know when you can't code something, and you start to rethink everything? (logic, life, the laws of physics) Then it works and your like "you're goddamn right."

Well here's my short story:

Been working on some logic for a week now. Client has been a twat about it. "It's a simple count, can't take that long." It's gotten to the point to where some co-workers were underestimating my skills. When I try the old "you do it then" trick, they laugh and walk away quickly.

But I did it.
I'M SO GOOD AT THIS SHIT!

What the actual f. I just changed my password on uplay to a 30 character password which works fine on the web account manager. Apparantly some moron decided to limit password field in the uplay client where your actual games are stored to 17 or 18 characters.

And that while they want to "improve" security. Please ubisoft, fix your shit

BITCH THE APPLICATION WORKS PERFECTLY FINE!!! ITS NOT MY FAULT THE DATA YOU GAVE ME WAS FUCKED UP LIKE YOUR BLOODY FUCKING FACE YOU SHIT HEAD COMPUTER ILLITERATE IN THIS DAY AND AGE SON OF A BITCH

I - Lets move your database to mlab. They offer 512mb database for free, every month. That is beyond your lifetime usage

Client - No. They Steal Data ( Like Facebook )

And client don't know a shit about mlab and development. Aware of quite a few names, bigrock, godaddy, bluehost. Even AWS is not in the list

- mlab is mongodb database service

More like a colleague more than a client, but it doesn't really matter.. They're the same shit,aren't they?

Dude, when you ask for something on Sunday, and spend the day plus Monday and Tuesday not returning my calls or emails... You can go fuck yourself with a huge unicorn's dick. I already moved on to more important shit to do and now you're going to wait until I'm fucking done.

Fucking assholes.

#confession

I don't know what you guys think but I freaking love programming my own Minecraft client. It sounds childish but I love to see server owners rage when they see their Servers dying because of my exploits. It's a good feeling.

But I got 3 DOS attacks afterwards so there is a high risk to make lifetime enemy's.

Let us all post our dark side of knowledge and the shit we have done to amuse ourselves!

Someone asked "What's a sad reality for devs?"

Let me add one to that cuz I'm too lazy to find the actual thread.

A sad reality of devs is to be dependent on the management's mercy for them to be in the team/company. Your years of work can be thrown out the window just like that when management feels like it and there is almost nothing devs can do about it.

This sprung to mind cuz I experienced that today. My client cut my dev team in half to "make up for the recent losses the company faced". Obviously my team wasn't responsible for it.

This shit sucks man.

#include<rant.h>
#define useless unnecessary

int main()
{
Fuck off Zuckerman and any dev who codes such shit for useless permissions and especially FUCK YOU CLIENT for asking your dev to ask for all useless permissions for your fucking app just because you think it's cool ;

return 0;
}

Sometimes for personal projects (and one client gig) I use the same database for local development and production.

Why?

Because I am a piece of shit.

I'm fucking tired of putting my efforts into bug fixes.

5 years of web. I never had a client that likes to keep it's crappy slow piece of shit product on the market in the exact same way it is.

If they didn't sell it to state employees (and good luck for them if they do not use it) their product would be dead.

That's the only way they get money: bids. And the minimum a state pays is 15 MILLION.

And they don't have 90K to pay another dev to help creating a new product.

Their CEO fucking REJECTS anything that's not a bug fix. Once he said to our PM:

"It's pretty and more fast, but wasn't this way that made me rich"

I'm thinking I'm getting another client, seriously. Everyday the same thing breaks and they already know the fucking answer:

WE NEED TO FUCKING REFACT

CREATE A NEW FUCKING PROJECT

This shit is making crazy. I can't sleep. I can't eat and I'm always fucking tired, no matter what I do.

I need to stop working for Brazilians.
I'll try US, Canada or somewhere in Europe.

If a client changes the formatting of their data without telling me, and it breaks the code that I wrote for them, could they own up to their lack of communication, and not give me shit for it?

This problem was caused entirely by you. Can you fuck right off? Would you kindly?

The reason for half the web-dev world sufferings is that Microsoft won't stop choking their users with explorer or edge, and half of the client are too dumb or lazy to download a different browser to test stuff. Fuck this shit man! Nothing works the way it should on this bitch.

Everytime my manager says- It should work perfectly on IE because client doesn't have any other browser, I curse IE for exisiting. If you can't improve it, just remove it you freakin' sadists. It'll not be an embarrassment to load something better on your OS. If anything, it'll get people to like you maybe. Like you for accepting your fuckery and making a decision in favor of the web dev world and innocent windows users, who only use your explorer to download other browser asap. For just that one time and for all your arrogance, you're making the whole world suffer.

*lunch break at work*
okay, let's play some dota...
*playing dota*
see crush eating, talking, flirting and having fun w/ someone... aaah shit heee weee go again 🤪 or not, whatever, I don't care, yeah, she's not my gf, I'm fine, everything is fine...
*a few minutes later*
client: hey, need this change right now
me: ok 👌
*keyboard sound*
ok, done, let's create a PR
*PR created*
me to myself: yeah, told ya
*PR merged*
me to myself again (I'm a sane person don't worry 😈): that was some badass code you wrote. see? I don't care about crush
*a few minutes later*
client: why the fuck did you ask to merge into master? (I created 33 PRs before and all were merged into the correct branch so they didn't check anymore)
me: *looking at crush 🙄*

Lucky shit: no need to clean ass/toilet

Lucky call: Boss/Client asks you immediately after you say Hello if you were ill, and leaves you alone

Today I had both!

Hard times are coming....

Normally I don't give a shit when I lost a job opportunity.

But dude, this year everything is bad as fuck. I moved out (yet again) to marry and start a new life.

And as I said a previous Rants, I got a client that just made me lost another client when they started to get shady. For almost a god dam month now, I can't find even a crappy job.

This never happened. I got more than 10 opportunities. A handful of interviews, a few tests and none of them gave me a job.

Now I have one week to get married.
The money I saved whent to all expenses. And now my anxiety is kicking in like it never did in years.

I really don't know what to do and I
can't fucking sleep.

So sick of this one client. But why this but why that... it gets to the point of "because of technical shit you wouldn't understand". If you're so fucking interested in how your shit works, learn to build it yourself.

A client wants me to build his website. He want a WordPress one, with a tool named Elementor to let him build stuff and upgrade the website by his own.

Seriously, Wtf is this shit !? That's a pure nightmare to work with !

I work as a freelancer and one time I had a client that needed some work done on a crypto website. I was so hyped up because the money was good so I jumped on it. Fast forward 2 weeks later I still couldn’t figure what the shit I was doing as the client kept asking for update.

Yes, I have experience with blockchain but my skill on Javascript just couldn’t help. I did google and also ask questions on S.O. but it wasn’t enough to get me on track.

At the end, I reached out to the client and apologized for not being able to meet up with their request and then recommended someone else.
So I’d say “I lost faith” on my skill as a Javascript dev at that moment for not being able to use some blockchain APIs effectively and also look forward to improving my catalog.

Alright sit down boys this is gonna be a good tale (also a long one).

I'm currently developing a wordpress site for a Client. Everythings works well enough, I had a few "wtf is this shit" moments. Now we decided to give him access to the wp site so that he can see and change (I know, I know don't judge me pls), so I set up tunneling with ngrok, but that PIECE OF SHIT WP DIDN'T WORK ANYMORE. You asking why? Oh I'm telling you why, wp uses ONLY absolute paths. Well fuck, I ain't gonna touch that piece of shit php code, so I installed a plugin and shit was working.
In short, after a few fucking HOURS that shit finally worked. Well that would be a great fucking end for our little tale right? Yeeeeaaah no, I shit you not, it gets even better!

After a few days my client gets back at me that he can't enter fucking wp-admin to work on the text an stuff (again pls don't judge me for granting him access to the backend of wp during development). So I checked it out and that piece of shit didn't work. If anyone would happen to know why, I would be grateful bc for the love of spagetti monster I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!
So I said to myself well fuck this shit and put it on a webhoster. Uploaded all the files, and migrated the db. Sounds like it finally worked right? Well guess again buddy. So I needed to go to the database, updated values manually for wp to have the correct url and then still needed to force it to refresh every fucking link.

As it finally works now, this tale is also finished then and I really hope that part 2 is never ever comming!
Sorry for the (somewhat) long rant but this is some next generation bullshit.

Fuck you, previous lead architect dictator! I spent a year arguing against your rigid nonsense custom built bullshit, and a year and a half after the client finally caught on and got rid of you I just got bitten yet again from one of your retarded over-complicated "solutions" to problems that never existed in the first place.

I wish I could send you an email and tell you about how I have thrown out all the useless shit you created and that we are all clearly better off now, but instead I will just share my frustration on DevRant and hope you read it and know exactly who you are.

I feel sorry for your current client.

company lands huge enterprise project
promises client to deliver it in MIN_TIME_REQUIRED/4

No architect, no technical lead, no seniors, no designer just juniors and interns in the project.

all the project time wasted by manager making shit decisions and not giving a fuck what devs have to say about how project will be disaster if goes like this.

Now the project is officially under raging fire

Boss to dev : What happend to the project. Why are things not working?
Dev: You made decisions not us.
Boss: I don't buy it. Work 24hrs until this is done.
Dev: F*** you and this project. I am resigning.

Be me, get a consultant job, go to a supposedly great client that has fame of getting scouted by Google. (attn: I doubted all this shit before I started)

Learn the basics by a awesome mentor and trial/error stuff at the same time to get the hang of things, after that was done, I noticed there was no documentation whatsoever, code is spaghetti and your documentation, good luck!

Royal spaghetti, you can't make heads or tails of it, dev code in production, empty try/catch blocks, empty statements, if (true)... (incl. their core classes)

Keep in mind this is a multi milion dollar company...

Someone please understand my pain...

When the client asks shit that you already went over in a meeting the previous day.

Fuck! This is why I can't diet.

I can't get shit done, because I keep getting more things to fix. And I'm not talking everyday fixes, this is just plain retarded.

The asshole that my client hired thinks he's a dev. Takes projects that are working and makes small changes. Simply for him to say "I took this project and updated it for our needs."

Then when that shit eventually starts failing, I'm expected to fix it. It's not even that it takes me a long time to fix it. It's just that I'm looking at this thinking "Why are you not working?" Only to later find that, of course, it's been modified. By. Mr. Fucking. Dumbass.

Fuck!

Client : i need to filter login by ip adresse

Me: ok its done put ip in CIDR block in admin panel and voila

Client: URGENT URGENT email ... Noting work on your shit ..=_=

Me (head) : what a fucking jerk i dont know how work CIDR IP block ...ans i demands it ...

I specifically asked my employer when fix time is, whether I get a work laptop, and whether WFH is optional, because

- I'm a night owl and don't function until 10am
- my personal laptop is slow as shit and I don't want to put Windows on it
- I don't have a decent chair at home yet

- client team agreed on fix time starting an hour before what's in my contract, and PM made it clear that they expect to be able to call us an hour before and two hours after (that's what fix time means unless I misunderstand)
- I got a crap backup laptop after a week of moaning, with promise of a better one two weeks from now
- I won't get an RFID card for weeks, so I effectively can't enter or leave the client offices

So the story. I got a job as an Android developer in a consulting company. I didn't have any certificates and even degree. Just some easy apps on Google Play which I created to combine learning and practice. After 5 Months I got my first client project and company gave me a senior with 6 years of experience so he can teach me. That guy is a complete shit and I have to teach him how to do stuff. So I am doing the most worm in the project. Sometimes I don't even manage with my tasks because I have to fix his code and explain him why so and when it won't work. As a result, the client subestimates me. Makes me work harder and I have 10$/h and him 60$/h. What shall I do ?

A young guy I work with burst into tears today, I had no idea what happened so I tried to comfort him and ask what was up.

It appears his main client had gone nuts with him because they wanted him to make an internet toolbar (think Ask.com) and he politely informed them toolbars doesn't really exist anymore and it wouldn't work on things like modern browsers or mobile devices.

Being given a polite but honest opinion was obviously something the client wasn't used to and knowing the guy was a young and fairly inexperienced, they started throwing very personal insults and asking him exactly what he knows about things (a lot more than them).

So being the big, bold, handsome senior developer I am, I immediately phoned the client back and told them to either come speak to me face-to-face and apologise to him in person or we'd terminate there contract with immediate effect. They're coming down tomorrow...

So part my rant, part a rant on behalf of a young developer who did nothing wrong and was treated like shit, I think we've all been there.

We'll see how this goes! Who the hell wants a toolbar anyway?!

What do you do when your client WANTS a shitty website?
If it's considered a UI anti-pattern, he wants it.

I'm pretty frustrated because I keep bringing him what I consider professional-quality work and he's disappointed, asks for something dumb instead. I made the mistake of giving him Photoshop and encouraging him to try to design some of his ideas. I thought he would be frustrated and decide, okay, Patrick knows best. But that backfired. Now I'm forced to answer basic questions about "how to delete the pixels" and end up on TeamViewer for hours trying to explain vector masks.

His current bright idea is to advertise his product with a comic strip. And let me tell you, it looks really, really awful. Not tasteful material-design-esq vectors, he thinks those are dumb, he prefers crude clipart. But he loves it.

I've kind of dug myself a hole here. It's what the client wants. But the client wants a steaming pile of shit. What do I do? Also forgot to mention, dude is my landlord and I'm behind on rent. FML

pic related; it's his comic

When do you know something is being overdesigned or overengineered?

The applications that the other programmer started building are killing me. He's using Clean Architecture and it has like a million different classes and shit. It's not messy or anything, but fuck it's overwhelming.

Just to figure out wtf was happening when getting the currently signed in user's email, I had to go through like 30 folder and files. Maybe more. All files were fairly simple on their own, but the entire flow was mindfucking me. Use cases, schemas, gateways, repositories, entities, models, etc etc

And that's the client facing application, I haven't checked the API yet, though it seems like that one is simpler.

The worrying aspect here is, any time anyone else has to mess with this, they'll also have to deal with this shit. This needs some really good documentation.

So, today is the final day of my internship, and I was almost done, until my fucking assface of a client calls me, and suddenly want 10000000 fucking things changed in a database, and I'm not just talking "Could you add this field?" Or make this default to that, no I'm talking change of relationships, schemas and the whole shebang, oh and suddenly the product also needs localization for 3 fucking languages, but it hasn't been built for this shit. Thank God my assessment was yesterday, I just noped right out of here.

People, don't be dicks, think what you want your product to be before starting the development

When clients fucks up installment even though there are clear instructions included...

I didnt sign up for this shit

Site live for over 8 months, client contacts me saying a web form is not working. Check through code missing $ on a variable. Shit, it must never have worked. Checked through error logs and sure enough its been bust since it went live. I changed the variable to pull in their email address rather than mine when i pushed it live and missed off the $. Trying to think of a plausible and client friendly excuse.

Demo for client goes bad when we encounter a bug adding a new entry into the back end. Entry shows up in the admin but not the front side.

<thoughtbubble> "I can't believe this, we just tested it! How can this be? How? How?" </thoughtbubble>

Perhaps, the cache? Nope.

<thoughtbubble> "You gotta be fucking kidding me!" </thoughtbubble>

Perhaps the front side is pointing to dev? Nope.

<thoughtbubble> "Oh shit... make something up quick. Make it sound good." </thoughtbubble>

Tells client we'll have to look into it. (real smooth)

Looked into it and it turns out the bug was actually a feature. Apparently when you assign an "end date" to a date in the past... by design, it won't show.

However, was it bad UI? That's a different argument.

We accepted a property listing project for a client.
I have been looking online for references and inspiration regarding design, features, plugins etc.

And this is what I just found. I shit you not. $20 and you get everything. WTF.

May be I will just buy it and give it to my client. $20 and you have like 40 lines of features, if not lied, which are more than enough to meet my client's requirements.

Why the heck am I working?
Am I the one who is charging too high to my client?

Company had problematic client projects that each client has a bucket load of change requests. Company doesn't know how to say "No" to them. Company can't afford to pay the subvendors for the changes and the subvendors aren't willing to do them for free.

I went in, reverse engineer the shit out of each application, database, system, documented my own findings, changed according to each client request. This involves editing tables in MSSQL, rerouting PHP files, adding field and validations in C#, passing parameters in VB to Crystal Report, and managed every change request into my own personalize ticket system (that the company does not have).

Saved the company, everyone was grateful. A couple of months later, the company hasn't paid my salary on time, I left like a boss.

They're in shit again and need my help. Haha!

Have you ever committed to an impossible deadline simply because your client would have been completely FUCKED if you didn't?

this would have been remotely doable if the existing code base that was handed over was just mildly reasonable. But how could this shit ever have worked the first time?!

Gilfoyle would just have said no. Why can't I be more like Gilfoyle >.<

Website for a gallery that wanted a 10k website for just 1k ... Must haz super CMS so that they could send me word documents each week so I could manuallly copy paste that shit into the CMS, and somehow extract and restore the lowres embedded images in full resolution ...

I guess it was safe to say this was my first client from hell 😅😂😂😂

The second was a website for some ballroom dude that got my referral from gallery X ... Yup, same shitty type of client

DFW the client decides to not renew the contract, and so their start hiring their own developers. This guy decides to fix a layout problem by putting everything in a table element, breaking a bunch of other shit he didn't test for before committing. Fucking end me now, please.

Have you heard of "Thunder client"? Meh... That shit is cool. I came across it on my YouTube recommendations, installed and gave it a try. I'm probably not going back to postman.

I never understood how people have any problems with getting paid for freelancing work, when middleman/escrow platforms like upwork exist, just don't be retarded when applying for a job. I am so sick of those shit ass stories from people telling me "my client didnt pay meeee 😭😭😭" ITS YOUR FAULT. I never had any client not paying, if you don't have the option of escrow, then just fucking put remote execution via "update" system in for fucks sake or give remote control to the client while monitoring it, there is so much fucking ways to secure yourself, just don't be retarded and many clients instantly show their character when talking budget and turnaround time.

A while a go, we got a Feature Request by our client, which was a bit of a stretch. and by a bit of a stretch i mean horrible shit which is totally unusable, a technical nightmare to implement with almost no accessable data.
well, the pm gave me the Ticket. when I First read it, I wanted to puke.
since the pm wasnt in a good mood, i just wrote a large comment on where to implement that Feature to be a much less pain in the ass.

many discussions with the pm and the Client later, i Had to implement it the way, they wanted. so i started.

after one and a half week, i was almost ready, just a few hours left and the nightmare would be over
what i didnt know is that the Client came over to discuss a few things with my Boss
suddenly my Boss walks in and asked, how much im ready
then He told me THE message

i should should Revert everything ive done the last 1 1/2 weeks and implement the Feature the way, i told was better

worst friday ever

Man I fucking love debugging Windows applications... OpenVPN dun shit the bed because the management interface is locked (on the Windows client I presume?) - so poke that error message into the Gargler along with "openvpn windows"... First result, OpenVPN forums. Excellent. ... Some dickhead in the forums: "this is the wrong forum, this is for Access-Server users, and you the user MUST have terminated the process".

Come fucking on! If only I could replace this fucking device with a proper OS already (and no I can't). Windows itself being a clusterfuck is one thing but the goddamn support around it. Atrocious!

This happened a few years ago. We started this new project that was estimated to take 3 devs around 5 months to complete. We had a meeting where the client, the project manager, me and two other devs were present. When the client asked if we were still on track to complete the project by the end of September, the PM just said “yeah we are totally on track, no worries”.
Me and the other devs looked us straight in the eyes and nonverbally agreed that this guy has to be sniffing glue or something. For context: it was August.
After the meeting we immediately raised our concerns with him and our boss. The deadline was shifted and a freelancer was hired to assist. The PM quit shortly after and a way more competent guy took over. But the damage was already done.
In the end we finished that project in February or March the following year. Client was still happy but this shit triggered a whole clusterfuck of a year. Other projects were lagging behind because of this and we had to push out project after project that had accumulated in our backlog.

Client said "should we add this moving newsfeed bar to make it look more modern?"

It looks like fucking crap and costs 100€ per Year.. i guess we should not add this peace of shit.

How greedy can you get?

> boss takes half assed gdpr project : branch xyz
> branch xyz requires deprecated version of npm/node
> I re-install node this time with deprecated version
> Wow this node is configured with ant build
> ECMA 5, config but code is shit as fuck
> still I get the job done , cannot test it because code is shit as fuck and I will never any thing to fix that un healthy code
> code doesn't run on client side,
> no shit Sherlock
> get a call from boss, it urget look in it and fix it

I had a client who wanted me to install a php project from github on a live server. I agreed to do it for $10. I set it up and it showed the setup page. so I left it there and thought this is probably how far the client wants me to go.
But then he asked me to go through the setup and completely install it. I was like ehh..ok I will do it.
But then came the shit storm of bugs in that project's installation module. Had to run through a gazzillion issues on github. Eventually I gave up.
Then I tried installing it on my localhost and surprisingly it installed fine. So I just made a zip and uploaded it to the server.
2 other devs had failed to get the job done before me. I t felt really good to get the job done.
The client tipped me an extra $5 too.

=)

Describe one instance when you thought, "Fuck this shit, I'm done with this client". Preferably when the client came up with stupid/impossible requirements

CORS is shit
Stupid useless shit that protects from nothing. It is harmful mechanism that does nothing but randomly blocks browser from accessing resources - nothing more.

Main idea of CORS is that if server does not send proper header to OPTIONS request, browser will block other requests to that server.

What does stupid cocksuckers that invented CORS, think their retarded shit can protect from?
- If server is malicious, it will send any header required to let you access it.
- If client has malicious intents - he will never use your shit browser to make requests, he will use curl or any ther tool available. Also if server security bases on something as unreliable as http headers it sends to the client - its a shit server, and CORS will not save it.

Can anyone give REAL examples when CORS can really protect from anything?

Client: I'm trying to upload an image in Cms but it won't allow it.
Me: let me try, (I successfully upload a jpeg). No problem here, could you send me the file?
Client sends someshitfile.jpeg
Check system, allowable file types .jpg, gif, png.
What piece of shit software generates .jpeg instead of .jpg?
Added to list of allowable file types.

What's the longest project you've worked on (in a passage of time type measurement)?. Mine' s a client website, 2 years (so far) in the making. 1 complete redesign, and re-written vast chunks of CSS and code because some of it was shit (2 yrs ago). Now it's super efficient and looking good. Still not finished though. Fortunately they know it's their fault and they have paid up to date, we are at double the original estimate now. I have not moaned at them because they have not moaned at my charges.

I am a web app developer by profession and software engineer by qualifications but when there is a problem with router, firewall or a server needs to be setup, whether internal or for client, all my employer can see is me. Sometimes i get too tired of this shit. Also I am expected to work at home during night as if I don't have any life outside this field. I need to enjoy my life with I am young. I am twenty and stuck. Fuck it.

When a client (that I’m building an admin dashboard for) calls me in a panic and tells me all their servers are down and asks me to fix them.

Of course I don’t even have access to their DevOps stuff, but I get access from them, log on, and...

Fix the issue in 2 minutes!

You know, because I’m a baller and I do baller shit.

✌🏼