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End of a week of wonderful vacation with my SO. Time to go back dealing with a stupid company and its stupid clients.
I guess coffee and Whisky are waiting for me
Holy great fuck.
What the fuck is going on? Why? What’s happening?
Why are there plenty of new accounts reposting memes from fb/reddit/whatever all over the place?
Why are you doing this to devRant?
I’m ok with memes, there’s a section for this. But I’m seeing new accounts just signing up and hop, a meme.
I want to read people complaining, insulting dumb clients, sharing their failures and successes.
I want to argue on arguments, complain together with people, against people.
I want to read stories about managers, see exciting collabs born.
I want to see people fight the eternal battles: mac, Linux or pc? CLI or GUI? Vim or Emacs?
That’s the devRant I joined. That’s what I love here. If I wanted to get meme-spammed, I’d go on 9gag.
A fellow devRanter11
Fuck you whoever designed this shitty database!
Why the fuck do you mix up underscores and hyphens? Plus MSSQL is a little fragile boy, he doesn’t like hyphens that much and you have to add brackets fucking everywhere, so FUCK YOU.
Fucking learn to design things or go fuck your fist while sitting on a banana tree, seriously.4
Holy Fuck I love Go language!
As I mentioned in a previous rant I wanted to start a little CLI app to manage my favourite commands and decided to get started with Go, because I haven't learnt a language in a while and I don't know, let's learn cool stuff, you know?
Holy shit, it's painful but so satisfying to learn! I'm googling every line of code I'm writing but idk if it's the feeling of learning new stuff or the language itself, but my dev motivation rised a hella lot :D
Will make the repo public once I'm done, You'll let me know what I can do better then :)17
Long story short : I meet people and do code at Ancienne Gare, my favorite bar. Means "Old Station" and indeed is an old station "refactored" as a bar.
I want to get started hard on a cool project but I’m stuck watching Silicon Valley.
Fuck my laziness9
Hey friendly coworker with the same scripting skills as a paraplegic monkey:
Even the boss told you not to lose time on worktime trying to do spaghetti scripts, not enough?
I don’t mind helping your unpaired couples of neurones , but losing 2 days for a forgotten bracket? When it took me like 10 seconds to notice?
And if it wasn’t enough, telling that I saw it quicker thanks to my IDE?
You’re just a mistakenly fertilised ovum4
Fuck you Starbucks! Do you call your pile of goat piss coffee? Even the fucking espresso is a disgusting laxative, it tastes like bleach and costs twice compared to every fucking bar in town, which make actual espresso.
And, black coffee means no milk. No soy milk either, no coconut milk, fucking anything else.
Thank god I still have my old Moka.13
You blame ME because your cocksucking brain isn’t able to configure YOUR fucking client’s printers correctly, and then you come to me as gentle as a dickless goat to help you out because “something screw up”
Fuck your printers.
Fuck your brain.
Fuck your RDS Server.10
I will get some free hate but:
WordPress is actually not so bad to provide a static website for small companies that just need a little exposure to the web, or for bloggers that actually want an easy to manage blog.
Every kid studying web design / web development and almost any web agency can probably easily handle WordPress and if you need to hire someone or someone else to manage your website, it won’t be difficult to find it.
Let’s not forget the huge community behind it, which provides pros and cons.
Vulnerabilities are often discovered by white hat guys and are immediately reported. Plus, there are tons of tools to test your WordPress website.
Same as plugins. Of course you should be attentive about what you download , there’s always some bad guys there, and also throwing 5302791 plugins in your website makes you an idiot, not WordPress
Instead of free bashing them, why not add your 2 cents to actually improve the product?
If you don’t like it, just pass over and go on something else.
P.s.: AlexDeLarge will be pissed if he doesn’t read the following : fuck You anti-WordPress rhinodick-suckers19
What is worse than clients? Yeah, you know it now, the answer is coworkers.
But worst than coworkers, there is another category, which is the “exes” (coworkers).
Let’s talk about Jay (fictional name).
This guy is a spaghetti developer who managed to create a CMS in 1998, which is a fucking bug nest. You can’t do anything without having to write code here and there, and the user is not autonomous. Every fucking module has to be rewritten for every website, it’s slow, it freezes, it’s inconsistent structurally talking, not secured (ok we’re talking about 90’s ) and i don’t know how the fuck he managed to sell it to clients and to convince my boss to sell it and finance its development until 3-4 years ago.
I’ve been working on this masterpile of shit and also learnt to summon daemons to make this shit work, but still, writing PHP from scratch would be a pleasant task compared to work with it to be honest.
Anyway, last year my boss asked me to rewrite all the css of our website and I was fine with it, as long as I had The design files available. And this was ok, we work with a designer and she even bought me a Sketch license to open her files. (I have to mention nice people too sometimes).
This SCMS (Shitty CMS) works with less files to be compiled in css and should update automatically, then in the proper CMS windows you should be able to assign styles and shit. And I didn’t talk about the structure. There were at least 400 css classes for 5 pages...
However 2/3 times this shit couldn’t assign any horse fuck to anything, and stuff even broke. I try to adjust an animation, a slider in another page breaks. The developer was like “you don’t know shit” but still, the cockroaches fucker took 3 days per issue, and sometimes it stayed unsolved.
After weeks of thinking about this (we started “building” the new website in 2015...) he finally discontinued this piece of contemporary art and also started to make clients move to something up to date.
Peace was brought to me... until today.
A client calls and sees that an image slideshow doesn’t work properly on mobile.
Talked about this to my boss, and now he doesn’t want to make them switch and I will have to try to port this to something more modern. Time allocated : 4 hours.
I tried to explain him the fucking hell it is, but still, he wants me to fucking develop a slideshow on this human atrocity.
I’m going to cry and summon a demon to exchange my soul wig I don’t know whatever fucking skill I will need to achieve this.24
Terminal is writing outputs on my screen.
Spotify is running.
And then, an electric impulse goes from a neurone to another, travelling through my synapses: an idea!
“What if I had a favourite terminal commands manager? That’d be so cool! I could have an automatic mode that listens to my terminal input/ retrieves list from “history” command and sets up a ranking of most used ones to reuse with a shortcut, and even better, you can create the list!
I’m gonna definitely do this!”
5 Minutes of Google later :
apt install iDontRemember
As lots of you share your home || work space here’s mine (work) :
- Mitel 6867i
- 2HP EliteDisplay E242 (negotiating for a 3rd one)
- Fujitsu Esprimo, 256GB SSD, i5 vPro, 8GB RAM
- hoco. Induction charger
- Jabra Headset to send fucks while on the phone
- Jake from Adventure Time
- Turtle Beach Impact 100 keyboard
- a mousepad that isn’t that shitty
- a Logitech 5 bucks mouse because it pissed me off that I had to pay a decent one myself. I will anyways at some point.
Working on Windows 10 with Ubuntu 18.04 WSL because I have to, but honestly WSL is pretty helpful.
Wallpaper is a picture I took while being in Ibiza
I wanted to say something else but I forgot :)13
Here’s a letter for you.
First of all, thank you for the stable job and advantages we have as a small business in the middle of the alps.
Following that, FUCK YOU.
Why? Because of the retarded clients I have to deal with because they’re your friends. Because I have to spend more energy doing fucking politics instead of doing IT. We have people that like t bla bla. Send them, not me.
Close me in a basement with a computer, a bunch of screens, a comfortable chair and a package of cigarettes. I’ll write Google from scratch for you if I need to (not sure I could at all). But please, stop fucking sending me to morons with the same IQ level of a sheep. And sheeps are more clever sometimes.
And last but not the least. Learn to fucking dress accordingly. We’re not in a gay pride but in a business.9
“Even if the client doesn’t answer the emails it’s still the client and the job has to be done.”
You fucking sardine-shaped hen. This is the most idiot sentence that came out from a human mouth this century after “earth is flat”.
How the fuck shall I work with a client that literally validated nothing and asks nothing?
I hope your husband values you for your the way you move your hips rather than the way you earn your salary, you disgraceful amount of inorganic waste of cells.12
TLDR: coworkers are worst than clients on delivery
The endless script last part, or where I want to rip the vocal chords out of my coworker’s throat.
Delivered “quickly” last Friday night as he was stressing me, because it was urgent, because he started shit I had to refactor, because I have better shit to get done.
It’s also important to note that this “senior” sysadmin wrote requirements as follows : told me orally what he needed between a gasp and another and drew me something that looked like a diagram but without real sense. I told myself -Well, let’s get this pile of cow shit together.
Anyway, it required some amount of time to put his giant shit mix of powershell and batch together, also it was quickly but it was tested and it worked on different conditions that I specifically wrote out and designed to have menus where you can’t do shit (like putting a string on a number input).
Today he comes to me and asked if it was ready and I told him it was usable. He tries it, doesn’t know how to use it, abandons it. Then he tells me he doesn’t work how “required” and after 5 Minutes on telling Shit I tested on the exact same server, he said “well my version was ok but you know I could have been more precise”
YOU INORGANIC PILE OF PIGEON SHIT. THE FUCKING SCRIPT IS WORKING, IS REFACTORED AS IT SHOULD AND YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND A CRAP ABOUT THE FUCK YOU’RE EXECUTING.
Seriously, come tell me that you can’t see what happens. I did explicit every fucking command out for you, I even bothered to put fucking Write-Host everywhere with Colors just for your fucking sake taste.
Go fuck a pillow with your biker sunglasses.
And no, the way you cut your beard doesn’t make me think you’re 15 years younger, it makes me think you’re the kind of guy I would not accept candies outside a school.
P.s.: don’t accept candies even if the guy looks nice.1
FUCK YOU APPLE.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR NEED OF MY FUCKING VISA.
FUCK YOU APP STORE.
Why the fuck can’t I update any fucking app? Fuck your pigs incest company.
Think different my ass.9
WHAT THE JESUS CHRIST’S ASS FUCK?
Is this a fucking slider system for time? Never thought about just having fucking text inputs formatted for time?
Why Lansweeper? WHY?
If I find the guy who designed that, I rip his fucking mouse, just to see how the fuck will he set his fucking time.6
Also known as TMM or The Money Machine, the greatest of all frauds, father of bugs.
A fucker who doesn’t want to pay a loan to get a MCSE certificate.
Note: I will try to avoid the training class as much as possible, good thing books exist.
You fucking piece of crap of an idiotic client. What the fuck do you need to know more than “job will start upon signing the quote”? A fucking bouquet of flowers? And now you need a meeting to “improve communication between you and us”. Read the fucking emails, I’m not your fucking employee. “Why should we wait that we approve the ticket or whatever to get the job done?” BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A FUCKING MAINTENANCE CONTRACT. I am not your buddy and I don’t fucking do favours. You want the job done? Either you accept the quote, or you accept the ticket request, or you subscribe to a fucking prepaid or flat maintenance contract. It’s simple as that you fucking elephant broken Asshole.
Fuck you and your fucking meeting requests.8
FUCK YOU MS SQL!
DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT MAKING ME WRITE 60 FUCKING COLUMN NAMES BY HAND WILL STOP ME FROM COPYING AN ID?
Yeah it actually will but fuck you. I want to merge data and you make this work a pain in the ass.
Bunch of cunts.11
Part 3 of : Tales of the coworker that fucks with my scripting
I got angry. He finally gave me the whole thing he wants to do, and wrote me the working process, and I was finally happy.
I’m working on his stuff and ask him to come check something when he’s there : « oh I changed this and that but I don’t get why it’s wrong »
You useless keyboard without space bar, you know that if you charge your time overlapping my work you’re in the shit, plus you’re doing it wrong. You want to learn? Fine, either don’t ask me to do your stuff, or let’s check this outside work time, I’ll be glad to teach you. But stop losing your and my time for Christ’s sake.
I will get this shit done in 20 Minutes if you stop interrupting my fucking work and I’ve put comments, you will be able to check them so you will understand what the fuck you’re doing wrong.
Fuck you sysadmin, what makes you think that running a complete antivirus scan everyday at fucking 11am is a good idea?
What the fuck can I do with the fucking 5% CPU available? Should I play fucking Pong in an emulator? Write the story of my life with notepad?
Go hang yourself on an Ethernet câble in your fucking server room, you fucktard cunt.12
You retarded cunt. Yeah, you. No, don’t stare at me like you did nothing.
I fucking wrote 3/4 of your stupid script because you put batch in PowerShell and don’t know what a fucking anonymous object is, and you take credits without acknowledging I helped the shit out of you. Do it one more time and I’ll bomb your hard drive with a fucking hammer.
Dude, I know you want to improve your scripting skills, and I will spend an hour with you to explain 5 lines if I have to.
But damn, don’t write 25 scripts that call one after the other, mixing PS and Batch (come on, a batch for loop in a .ps1 file...) and then ask me to do it properly after that you fucking raped the console’s butthole.