AboutWriter, Linux/Open source/FOSS Disciple, Aspiring Full-Stack Developer, Grower of Beard, Not a Magic Kitten!
SkillsHTML, CSS, PHP, and js - Learning C++, Java, Python, Perl, and Ruby
Joined devRant on 6/8/2017
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Programming in a tree. I usually climb up here and read, but I decided to code, and I didn't drop my laptop :D
I covered the screen with my hand because my code's ugly, and I don't want anyone to see it lol.146
- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago..38
*Now that's what I call a Hacker*
MOTHER OF ALL AUTOMATIONS
This seems a long post. but you will definitely +1 the post after reading this.
xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.
xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"
xxx: You're gonna love this
xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.
xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".
xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.
xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fuckingcoffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens an SSH session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has SSHD up and running) and sends some weird gibberish to it. Looks binary. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.
xxx: holy sh*t I'm keeping those
The bash scripts weren't bogus, you can find his scripts on the this github URL:
Interviewer: Welcome, Mr X. Thanks for dropping by. We like to keep our interviews informal. And even though I have all the power here, and you are nothing but a cretin, let’s pretend we are going to have fun here.
Mr X: Sure, man, whatever.
I: Let’s start with the technical stuff, shall we? Do you know what a linked list is?
X: (Tells what it is).
I: Great. Can you tell me where linked lists are used?
X:: Sure. In interview questions.
X: The only time linked lists come up is in interview questions.
I:: That’s not true. They have lots of real world applications. Like, like…. (fumbles)
X:: Like to implement memory allocation in operating systems. But you don’t sell operating systems, do you?
I:: Well… moving on. Do you know what the Big O notation is?
X: Sure. It’s another thing used only in interviews.
I: What?! Not true at all. What if you want to sort a billion records a minute, like Google has to?
X: But you are not Google, are you? You are hiring me to work with 5 year old PHP code, and most of the tasks will be hacking HTML/CSS. Why don’t you ask me something I will actually be doing?
I: (Getting a bit frustrated) Fine. How would you do FooBar in version X of PHP?
X: I would, er, Google that.
I: And how do you call library ABC in PHP?
I: (shocked) OMG. You mean you don’t remember all the 97 million PHP functions, and have to actually Google stuff? What if the Internet goes down?
X: Does it? We’re in the 1st world, aren’t we?
I: Tut, tut. Kids these days. Anyway,looking at your resume, we need at least 7 years of ReactJS. You don’t have that.
X: That’s great, because React came out last year.
I: Excuses, excuses. Let’s ask some lateral thinking questions. How would you go about finding how many piano tuners there are in San Francisco?
X: 37. I googled before coming here. Also Googled other puzzle questions. You can fit 7,895,345 balls in a Boeing 747. Manholes covers are round because that is the shape that won’t fall in. You ask the guard what the other guard would say. You then take the fox across the bridge first, and eat the chicken. As for how to move Mount Fuji, you tell it a sad story.
I: Ooooooooookkkkkaaaayyyyyyy. Right, tell me a bit about yourself.
X: Everything is there in the resume.
I: I mean other than that. What sort of a person are you? What are your hobbies?
X: Japanese culture.
I: Interesting. What specifically?
I: What’s hentai?
X: It’s an televised art form.
I: Ok. Now, can you give me an example of a time when you were really challenged?
X: Well, just the other day, a few pennies from my pocket fell behind the sofa. Took me an hour to take them out. Boy was it challenging.
I: I meant technical challenge.
X: I once spent 10 hours installing Windows 10 on a Mac.
I: Why did you do that?
X: I had nothing better to do.
I: Why did you decide to apply to us?
X: The voices in my head told me.
X: You advertised a job, so I applied.
I: And why do you want to change your job?
X: Money, baby!
X: I mean, I am looking for more lateral changes in a fast moving cloud connected social media agile web 2.0 company.
I: Great. That’s the answer we were looking for. What do you feel about constant overtime?
X: I don’t know. What do you feel about overtime pay?
I: What is your biggest weakness?
X: Kryptonite. Also, ice cream.
I: What are your salary expectations?
X: A million dollars a year, three months paid vacation on the beach, stock options, the lot. Failing that, whatever you have.
I: Great. Any questions for me?
I: No? You are supposed to ask me a question, to impress me with your knowledge. I’ll ask you one. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
X: Doing your job, minus the stupid questions.
I: Get out. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
All Credit to:
@dfox thank you for sponsoring our event with goodies. I think devrant gained a few Dutchies tonight. Ive also made sure @linuxxx could grab some (yea try to spot him on the picture!).20
Blaming someone and giving them a lecture on a bad code/bug then realizing it's not a bug or that I fixed it incorrectly.
Story time mother truckers!
Y'all know the deal so far but here's a recap of last week's episode:
Me: "I'm quitting because of reasons."
Boss: "You're a disgrace and you're going to fail and nobody likes you and if it wasn't for us you'd never have a job in this industry!"
Me: "You're a selfish arrogant prick who thinks the world owes him a favour."
It ended there. Until yesterday.
My biggest client emailed him to ask about meeting to discuss timescales and a plan of action (he hadn't told them I was leaving yet) so he uses it as an excuse to remind me that I'm "a failure who he was told not to hire" and berate me. He tells the client I'm leaving.
The same client, the one who has been asking for the impossible phones me up, apologises, tells me that they're only pressuring because they hate my boss. They want nothing to do with him. They then proceed to say "So... is there anything we could offer to tempt you away from your new job?"
After everything, through all the shit, they said they recognised I was much more junior than they were promised but were so impressed that I was able to keep up that three separate people in their company decided on their own to ask me to work for them.
FUCK YOU BOSS MAN YOU GIANT ROTTING TURD OF HUMAN REMAINS!31
My boss came into my room today, sat down and said:
Take your family to the [BIG AMUSEMENT PARK], and please keep the reciepts and give them to me. Spend a couple of hundreds bucks and we will pay.
Thanks for being someone whom I can trust
That made me happy17
Got this old girl from a reseller on Ebay. I wanted to know if they were worth the hype.
It was made in Aug `89, my birthday. It's almost 30 years old and will likely outlive me.10
We all are obsessed with being an alpha male,but alpha versions are broken,have too many bugs,unfinished textures,and lack core features.
We should instead strive to be a definitive edition male.4
Random guy : Well I'm not tracked on the internet, I use private tabs.
Me : Well, I'm not sleeping with your mom, I use condoms9
Alone in the office. Everyone left to see Portugal play. Time to blast some heavy fucking metal. 🤘20
Wordpress does not suck. If you know how to work it.
Past period I saw so many rants on WP. My rant is that it is not 100% WP fault. Yes there are seriously structural problems in WP but that does not mean you cannot create top-notch websites.
At my work we create those top-notch WP sites. Blazing fast and manageable. Seriously we got a customer request to make the site slower because it loaded pages to fast (ea; you hardly could see you switched pages).
- We ONLY use a strict set of plugins that we think are stable, useful.
- We have everything in composer (and our own Satis) for plugins.
- We use custom themes & classes. Our code is MVC with Twig.
- In our track history we have 0 hacked websites for the past 2 years.
- Everything runs stable 24/7
- We have OTAP (testing, acceptance & production environments)
- We patch really fast
These are sites going from $15k++ and we know our shit.
Don't hate on WP if you have no clue what you are doing yourself.
That is my rant.23
To those able to join us in the Netherlands:
So you want some devrant goodies? We are having a (IMO) cool event soon.
"Collab - Digital Agency meets Cloud Provider"
We will go into various topics regarding; automation, CI, cloud, experiences and maybe a few things about clusters / kubernetes.
Everyone is happy to join us for 2 talks, beers (and maybe pizza!).
Last but not least we are able to give a way various goodies including stuff from DevRant ;)
You can order the free tickets at https://eventbrite.co.uk/e/...
I hope to see some devrant people there and make sure to hit me up if you will attend!
ps. if you have question, just ask away!13
Ive been ranting a lot recently due to various tools and plugins not working as they should. lol.
At our company we where joking about how we should "fix" it, which was kinda blunt destroying it and picking something else to work with.
That gave me the little idea to make https://www.devhelpdesk.com/ which has various "topics" on how to do stuff.
Basically it is 100% satire.
If you like it, just check it out and use it ;). Ps I might be sort of buggy, Ive just build it in a few hours...1
The presentation with @wiardvanrij was awesome! Didn't have much time to talk but we did socialize a little and I got myself a devRant shirt, mousemat, ducky and some stickers from a box of devRant merch 😊
Today was great!21
I forced myself to use git on my latest projects. And the more I use it, the more I love it. I can relate to all the git-love here on devRant.21
* Selects text to copy *
* Ctrl + C to copy *
* Selects text to be replaced with copied text *
* Ctrl + C again instead of Ctrl + V *
Me: *Watching a movie*
Main Character: "Oh no, we have to hack the CIA to figure out how this machine works! Hacker girl, do the stuff"
Hacker Girl: "Consider it done!"
Hacker Girl: *Opens Linux bash*
Hacker Girl: *types 'mkdir Hack_CIA'
Hacker Girl: "They have two-factor authentication in place, this is going to be a hard one."
Hacker Girl: *Types 'cd Hack_CIA'*
Hacker Girl: "I'm in!"
Friend: "Wow, so well done, so realistic!"
I regret not listening to Pink Floyd and Journey any sooner. They just fucking calm my nerves after a shit day. I wish if we had songs like that today. I loathe the putrid garbage that people call "music" nowadays. They all sound the fucking same!!
@Floydian I'm now jealous of your name.8