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I can't drink at work (unfortunately), so this is a story from my last semester at school.
I had a somewhat large group project for my senior project making an Etsy-like site for a nonprofit. We had sprints and meetings with stakeholders and whatnot. I was already really experienced in the tech we were using as I had to use it for work, so I was doing most the project on my own and just advising the others on what they needed to do.
On one of the meeting days I met with a friend and got drunk with him before class. Then 10 minutes later I had to present the site to the stakeholder and get feedback. My co-devs could kinda tell I was sloshed, I don't know if the stakeholder did; he didn't say anything anyway.
I presented perfectly normal and made live changes for him so he seemed impressed. When I'm drunk, the way you can tell is that I'm very deliberate with my words and actions, so at worst it probably looked like I was nervous.
I've coded drunk on school projects before and once when working from home. If anything I'm better as I get super focused on work and can't get distracted. Still can't convince my boss to get a scotch fountain installed...1
I hate those fucking cookie pop-ups. I don't give two shits and I hate that they have to be a thing.
It's pleasantly surprising when one can be clever.
There needs to be a global cookie for "accepts cookies". And all these sites are already using cookies before the shit pop up shows anyway. What's the fucking point? So grandma can be linked to a Wikipedia entry on cookies? Fuck off.7
Whiskey, then wine, then Jello shots (best enjoyed alone), then absinthe, then energy drinks, then sleep.2
Work on some side projects that I wanted to (that are becoming work projects now..).
And make my website not look like shit.
Best: getting hired at a job I love and having lead dev position on the current big project at work.
Worst: having to redo intern code after they leave so that it's usable.1
Before I went to college, I knew a computer science degree was kind of useless. With enough experience and self-taught skills, you can do way better than someone with a degree.
I went to college anyway because that was required to get in the door for some places, and without forced structure I get easily bored and don't do too well with tutorials.
While in school, I got an internship for the company I'm at today, and I learned more my first summer there than I did 3 years of school before.
And after gaining that experience and being bored and not challenged in school, a degree seemed even more pointless.
Then, in the final courses (the hard ones [allegedly]), a degree seemed even more unimportant. To the point where I almost regret school altogether. So many of the people in those classes failed at understanding the most basic concepts. So many of them had no capability for critical thinking. And yet they still graduate. So many of them should have been filtered out in the earlier classes, but due to easy grading and the school not wanting people to flunk, they still got a degree. The same degree as I have. It makes it meaningless. All those loans I have to repay, to be considered at the same level as them. It's insulting.
I'm luckily at a place that values my talents and ensures I keep my skills up and challenges me. It's still disheartening to think about what came out of my education.8
There was this one dude interviewing to be a manager at my work. He was a friend of the head of IT at the time since he probably would have gotten the job. We still gave him a little coding test anyway.
He turned in just a demo and vid if it working but no code. Looked good, but something was off. One of our senior devs looked into more and found out he just paid for WordPress plugins to do everything. So we then asked for the code to make sure and yep, he paid $20 to try to get the job. Because of the friend thing mentioned earlier, he got a second chance, but on site to prove he wouldn't cheat.
He had an hour to make a simple contact app. So, super basic crud was all that's necessary. Hour was up so we went to see what he got done. Just one super basic HTML form and an attempt at the post. Nothing was saving to the database though.
He thought that if you tried to insert columns that weren't there, that MySQL would make those columns for you.
Also, the entire time he showed us he was clicking all over the form and highlighting everything. He never highlighted what he was talking about either, just random shit.
So then he left and we all met up to discuss how he did. I tore him a new asshole (to find out he was my bosses friend after the fact, pretty sure). We didn't hire him, and instead we now have the coolest PM ever.
I don't know if there's a moral to the story, but.. just don't be dumb I guess.1
Fortunately, from what I have told my parents about it from high school to now, they basically see me as some sort of mathematician/problem solver. They understand that they don't understand, but do not belittle what I do in the process.
Now, people in other departments... They think I copy paste stuff from the internet and completely different languages and it's that easy.
So, it seems as though the natural evolution of devrant is people bitching about each other bitching about Windows/Linux hate. And fuckers reposting shitty memes.1
Some people just don't fucking understand that their ideas are shit. Or even if you have a usable idea that you can't make money on it.
I was watching Shark Tank and these guys go on with the simplest maps API app. Pretty much a single table database for where basketball games are. Then putting it on a map. That's it. And they were asked how they plan on making money and the answer was "better user experience". All you have is a fucking map! It's pointless. You're not making money on that unless you do a hell of a lot more!
The thing that really got me was how they were congratulated on learning how to make it. Good for you, it's great that you learned some programming for that. But while you did the simplest maps API plugin, someone with some machine learning junk was told that it wasn't good enough.7
Don't fucking insinuate that I'm wrong. I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH DATA.
So, someone at the factory put in a ticket that says the expedited truck carriers are showing up in the wrong place. I emailed my boss that's it's by design, has been for a while, as a result of business rules and sales wanting it to be shown as priority.
Then he passes it up the chain to see if the requested change should go through. The plant manager says his guys at the plant say it changed recently.
Then I respond "no, sorry, no changes recently. It's actually been that way at least 5 years."
He then responds "Well, my guys think it changed recently, and if it had been 'at least 5 years' they would have noticed by now."
Oh fuck no, motherfucker. You do not quote me saying I'm wrong. We have fucking version control to see the changes I have fucking proof.
At this point I'm shaking. Nothing pisses me off more than people saying I'm wrong, and nothing excites me more than telling people they're wrong. We have an overlap.
So then I go back and back and back in the blame, find the exact change and ticket for when this started happening. Email all this data to my boss. He then takes the pettiness and salt out of my tone and forwards it pretty much saying "actually, we have exact proof that it happened 6 years, 7 months ago. Here's your proof."
This happened early morning. No respond the rest of the day. That's fucking right.3
In my first summer at my internship I was fixing up a PHP script that a previous developer wrote... It collected our customer's emails and sent them to MailChimp for marketing.
The SQL query to get the emails was pretty standard, but what he did next was not.
There were for loops nested 3 deep. The outer loop's counter was i. The inner was ii. And the deepest was iii. That alone made it hard to read, but for a couple years some iii's and ii's were mixed up when getting values for arrays. So it was even harder to tell what it was supposed to do.
The inner loop also started at i-20. This was so he could look through and see if an email was already included from that query and skip it. But he didn't check the bounds, so the first 20 times through the outer loop, the inner loop would throw `undefined index -20` errors.
In order to fix all this I did an order by on the query, and kept a last email variable that I used for comparison. Pretty basic. This also lowered it to just one loop.
I talk about it on a regular basis with my coworkers and we all laugh about it. I also bring it up when upper management thinks they can code, because that ex developer is now an executive.
The entire next large project I'll likely be working on is the dumbest feature request. I can't say what it is unfortunately.
It'll probably be cool to work on and I expect to have fun doing it, but it's a serious waste of the company's resources.
VP: "this is a great idea that will increase sales by 100% and save 10k a year."
Well, if I just made up numbers to justify my shitty projects I'd be a fucking liar, but I guess that's why you're in charge. You just magically know things without doing any research to see how wrong you are.
Work: try this
I hate it.
I hate it.
I love it.
I hate it.
I love it.
Now I'm an expert.5
When I was in school the most relatable and coolest teacher was also one of the only ones that actually had experience. He worked places and still ran his own company while teaching. He also helped inspire me to be the best developer I could.
Remember, while software security is important, not enough physic security completely ruins that.
It doesn't matter how secure your software is if the attacker has it for an unlimited amount of time.
It doesn't matter how secure your network is, if the attacker can walk up to an unlocked computer.
It doesn't matter of you use the best hashing algorithm, if the attacker has the whole database.
If you walk away from your computer for too long and don't lock it, I will mess with it. I won't do anything nasty, but I will teach you about physically securing your devices.1
"We've decided to outsource this project, instead of hand it over to internal IT to be done faster and integrate easier."2
Understanding Object Oriented Programming in a true and useful way.
School was pretty useless with this. There's only so many shape and color classes you can make before it all feels pointless. Everything needing a getter and setter? That's just a data structure, not a class.
Not until I started listen to coding blocks and reading about OOP online did I really get it. And the more I use true OOP, the more I under it.
Nothing pisses me off more than when people won't respond.
Them: "release is a week from now"
Me: "okay, it's done, I just need the API key for it to go into production"
2 days before release
Me: "you got that key yet?"
Oh, but I'm sure you'll find a way to blame it on me when we're past due.11
"You should definitely use Ruby on Rails. All the startups and cool companies use it, plus it's really easy to pick up."
- random dude in computer lab
Created a shell program in C with my friend for a class. We were the only ones to complete it and it was as fully featured as it could be completing all extra requirements and then some.
I was also able to use it to ssh into the server we were running it on and run the program endlessly within itself. It worked great, just had to type exit 20 times to leave all the instances I had opened.1
Leave it up to devs to not only copy and paste their code, but also copy content from Reddit and paste it here.3
Execs: We're putting you on this project. It's priority and needs done by the end of the year.
Me: Sweet! I'll start right away.
*One week later...*
Execs: We came up with 2 new project ideas, and 5 ways you should implement it which don't make tech sense. These are priority too, get them done in a month, but also do that other thing.
And of course the smaller projects have prerequisites of parts of the larger project.3