Client: the app is slow
me: can you upload a thread dump to the ticket?

Client: here *uploads 2GB catalina.out.gz*

# PROD

* 10 app instances running
* 1 instance starts burning up 100% cpu
* we ask for a Thread Dump (stack traces)
* we get a TD taken after they manually restarted the instance
* they: "Please investigate. We need this fixed ASAP"
* .....

EVERY FUCKING TIME!!! Not once in recent years have they managed to take a TD correctly. What kind of a retarded monkey do you have to be for this to not sink in for YEARS!

Who tf put those idiot monkeys there in the first place...

Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope
Nope

I think that's the thread dump of my brain currently.

Anyone knows what date and time we have?

I'm so lost right now.

17 projects atm thanks to e.g. Microsofts Exchange Hell.

I. Hate. Everything.

Go spread your butt cheeks so I can give you two fists of love before you write a damn ticket regarding yet another (security-) problem in infrastructure.

I swear the God I'm considering getting a rabied dog just to bite your balls off in case I ever see you in the streets..

- guys X are running load tests on env A
- load tests complete
- analysis of test results is being done
- slow response times are obsered
- someone asks whether X guys took a thread dump for further analysis
- a guy from team X (Mr. Xx) replies: "Will take the Thread Dump now."
- 10 minutes later uploads the whole fucking 2GB log file to Slack
- Xx replies: "I do not see anything wrong in the dump"

A fucking retard... Shove that useless dump up your ass and THEN tell me there's nothing wrong with it! Why the FUCK do you think that's the case? Moron

## Scripting myself out of the company

who needs an expensive profiler, when you can make thread dumps and compile them into a flamegraph for free without any risk of outages!

Though what bothers me is that I'm yet to come across a person in this company who knows how to read them (besides me)...

Are flamegraphs really THAT unpopular?

I mean.. you can represent the whole profile in a single image!

When you convince your client to purchase a commercial thread-dump analysis tool, and that pies of soft gives you flamegraphs like this one [excerpt].

And then your own TD analysis tool works significantly better than that.

[P.S. I wonder how many of you will spot what's wrong here :) ]