My keyboard? It's way more mechanical than yours.

//////

Recruiter: “What are your salary expectations?”

(The job listing indicates a salary range that STARTS at 2x my current total comp…)

Me, as nonchalant as possible: “The listed range is sufficient.”

@Root has a code review.

CR comment: “Why would you do it this way? It’s awful. Clean it up!”

Totally fair. I had copied the legendary dev’s code, and it was ick. Cleaning it was easy and enjoyable. I cleaned the source, too.

CR comment: “Why would you touch this? It’s outside the scope of the ticket. You could get it working without changing all this.”

Revert…

CR comment: “The interfaces don’t match. Now it’s confusing, and that makes it harder to maintain.”

🤦🏻‍♀️

I love when employers reach out to you like desperate fuck boys on a dating app.

Tell me more about your “amazing” benefits package that’s indistinguishable from any other, your PTO that is as “unlimited” as my phone plan, and the empty mustard packets you acquired in series Z funding.

I’ve got all day to watch your dance play out its milky chance.

Friday 15:30
Prod explodes.

Typical...

My dumb ass just tried to skip forward a few seconds of an online class!

Manager (via phone): You need to setup the CEO with access to the app IMMEDIATELY

Dev: Ok…What’s the occasion?

Manager: There is a big important meeting right now where we go over our achievements for the year and my plan was to have him log in and play around.

Dev: Likely would have been worth mentioning at this mornings standup.

Manager: Don’t be a smart ass. In fact, if you were actually smart you would have given him an account in the first place! So you’re just an ass then, what kind of idiot doesn’t give the CEO an account to an app like this?

Dev: Actually you specifically asked for him to be removed when I added him. “Unnecessary Optics” you said.

Manager: THAT’S BULLSHIT, I NEVER SAID THAT!!

Dev: It’s in our meeting minutes from 2 years ago.

Manager: STOP WRITING THE THINGS I SAY DOWN IT’S COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY.

Dev: I’ll make a note of that request

Manager: YOU ABSOL—ok looks like he’s waving me back in the room now the account must be working now bye. *click*.

Dev: Moron.

SNOW!! LOADS OF SNOW AND MORE TO COME OVERNIGHT!

YAYYYYYY!!!!!

I know I sound childish. I don't care. Nothing brings me as much sincere joy as loads of snow or even blizards.

I was recently hired as a lead devops to a giant shit show. The CTO said he needs someone to do things correctly instead of quickly. This is a conversation I just had this morning

HR: We want you to interview a potential new DevOps engineer
ME: okay, when?
HR: Tomorrow
ME: I won't be able to create interview tests and materials for tomorrow. How's next week
HR: This hire is urgent! It has to be tomorrow
ME: Then you'll have to do the interview without me
HR: We need you to interview them because we've had a few bad hires in the past that we don't want to repeat
ME: The best way to filter out bad hires is with technical tests, which will take time to develop. I can be ready by next week.
HR: We can't give you a weeks notice for each hire, we are in urgent need for more devops.
ME: ...

> Find cool repo on GitHub
> Works very well
> Respectable weekly downloads
> …Hasn’t been updated in a year
> …Owner from Shanghai, China
> …Hasn’t pushed to any repo in over a year
> Last profile update: Feeling sick 🤒
> …
>😔
> Rest in peace friend, thanks kindly for the time you’ve saved me.

Military grade encryption: md5
Enterprise grade encryption: Base64

🎉 As of today, I can proudly count myself among the members of the "Killed Prod on A Friday Afternoon" club. 🎉

I have posted my resume on so many sites, consulted lots of( more like 2) resume experts and still all I get is "thank you for applying for this position..... we value your application and will retain it in our records if we ever have a suitable position for you". I think the universe is telling me to start a startup😅😅. I laugh because secretly the rejection stings😂😂

For each day on devrant I feel this place more like a community than a social media. And damn thats good. Thank you all for making my day

The intern again. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

She's now done the Laravel course my manager bought her, so now she feels she's ready to tackle a real world project. Hahahaha.

Okay, I have a project set up: Replicate a simple existing website that only has a basic header, some picture thumbnails and a footer element using Laravel. I've already installed Statamic and everything she needs as dev dependencies and made a step-by-step README.md file for her to get the site running locally on her machine. I told her to replicate the home page HTML.

She didn't read the readme file after I've told her multiple times in the past to do so. She tries to run the Laravel application without running composer update and all the other commands I listed in the readme file, and doesn't read the fucking console errors she's getting. She cloned the project into another Laravel project and her files are a fucking mess.

I am sick and fucking tired of telling my manager that she is not suited for this industry, she's just costing the company money and wasting my fucking time. I have been unable to focus for the past month and a half because of her.

She can't even fucking Google the console errors she's getting, just hopping on MS Teams asking me to help without even trying to solve it on her own.

I want to cry. Fuck this company and its stupid CULTure.

Just saw someone use Bing unironically as their main search engine. They have a masters in computer science.
Equal parts horrified and kinda tempted to study them like a creature

This is the year of non negotiation for developers. I’m tired of getting told to mindlessly do shit. I am not going to fucking budge on my standards just because other people are lazy. I am smarter than them and they will fucking concede to my demands for direction or they can go fuck themselves.

Sometime ago I was introduced to that game "Stardew Valley", as a way to relax and unwind since it is a dynamic-pace simple-storyline and even simpler interactivity open world.
Well, it worked like a charm (sarcasm). I have a save where I am a profit-maxinizing capitalist who tries to score a million gp in an year - so a regular gamer approach. It wasn't the goal here.
So I got a second save where I just go along, getting enough to get by and no hurry to build farm buildings and whatnot, but slowly building up NPC relationships.
Man, what a good metaphor for life. That approach actually unwinds me.

But the dev in me is just like "just, woah! that is an stellar use case for GPT+3 APIs! You could have NPCs with dynamic adaptative dialog! *And* you can monetize it (piracy-proof!) by charging for API calls! No shops, no collectibles, just a unique but scalable experience!"

What is wrong with me? I gotta change into the second-save mindset...

More weird software wordings..

I just spent a full hour basically telling someone not to use filter as forEach

Both Conservancy and the Git project are aware that the initial branch name, ‘master’, is offensive to some people and we empathize with those hurt by the use of that term.

Offensive my butt. It's not like any developer alive today had experienced the life of a slave. It's all in the past. Should I get offended by imperial Japanese flag?

Thought there’d be peeps here who could relate.

Some days I feel like a genius, solving problems left and right, automating simple tasks, and improving workflows everywhere.

Other days I can't remember how to loop over an array and spend 5 minutes googling that just cause my brain isn't functioning lol

In pair programming session with intern. She deletes something she shouldn't have.

Me: No, wait, don't delete that, undo.
Intern: ...
Intern: What is undo? How do I do that?
Me: ...
Me: *cringes internally*
Me: Uhm.
Me: Go to Edit > Undo, or press Ctrl+Z

I think I understand what is wrong, this poor individual has extremely rudimentary computer literacy skills worse than my 77-year old stepdad's and someone in management decided to give her a Junior Software Engineering position (actually paid internship) which is doing more harm than good.

Dev: Why did you suddenly start adding random whitespace to the end of all of the files in your PRs?

Manager: IT’S NOT RANDOM!

Dev: ?

Manager: That’s a way I came up with for tracking my contributions. Every time I edit a file I add a line of whitespace at the bottom so it’s clear to everyone how much and how often I’ve contributed to the team. Although I haven’t been doing it this entire time so I had to make up for this by adding more to files that I *know* I’ve touched a bunch before. Just think! Especially with how big my PRs are compared to everyone else the tally of my contributions is going to get huge!

Dev: …

I'm reading jobs ads for engineers at my current company and laughing. It sounds so serious with the wording they use but in reality, it's a clownhub.

This shows I should not be intimidated by job ads and trust my abilities and have more fucking confidence!

Found this gem and just wanted to leave it here :-|

Boss: misses zoom meeting

9PM: Boss calls me to catch up with the meeting he missed

😡

I'm happy that Twitter employees just up and left when Elon Musk tried to bully them into working 100-hour weeks or have them leave the company. (According to what I read online).

It's not about the downfall of Twitter, but the employees showing the world that they can get better jobs elsewhere, if they are pushed over the edge.

I hope it sends a message to all douchebag CEOs and managers around the world that do the same kinda thing.