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Im so frustrated with myself . I've always been afraid of being stupid . Perhaps it was because i was always called the "less intelligent" sibling by my parents . Well i did self-learn java , c++ and android (when i was 15) and made some apps and i did get acknowledged finally but i may have not acknowledged myself . I got into college a couple years ago and i can tell you right out that its like an island filled with stupidity. The teachers , the students. The other day i caught my teacher learning how a transistor works. This is unacceptable for someone who is teaching us advanced op-amps and other circuits . Well , I did get into this college cause it was less tedious and i thought college doesn't matter cause i can self-learn . All i needed was free time . Well college totally destroyed that too and provided no facilities in the process as well . So yeah should i blame my college for my inability to do things the past couple years. I mean i don't think i've learnt a single thing all this while. This is where my frustration begins cause i dont want to blame the college , it's not going to help me and i'll probably end up in a 9 to 5 call center job at this rate . Im also very heavily frustrated with myself , it's like everything i've done so far has been a path of least effort. I have tried a few things which were all just fads like machine learning and crypto and even trading . They felt good and thats what scares me , maybe i don't have the passion and am just looking for a quick buck . This is clearly reflected in the ideas i've been having as well . Well i've never had access to proper funds but now im just trying to justify this layman emotion . I just want to learn and be passionate about learning , researching and i just want enough funds for that . But im afraid , maybe its just that i want to feel superior than my circle . I mean i still don't know why i tried learning rust and wasted even more time setting up fedora and everything around it while i already had a working debian setup and a programming language i'm kind of versed with . i wouldn't say well cause im a self learner and i feel guilty for that . I definitely know i just learnt the surface of the language . Deep down i'm just another stupid fad obsessed guy who feels better by choosing a more complex language that my colleagues look upto . Is this what i am , if so im scared and i don't know what to do . People say that you are what you are and you cant change that . If i cant change this then i dont deserve this wasteful stupid life . I don't know what i should do and it makes me cry . Maybe acknowledging this would've helped but it hasn't , I've felt better playing fortnite rather than learning some basic electronics. Im another one of those aren't I ?

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    In short should i strive to complete a project that can make me some money or learn the underlying concepts, architecture and other stuff first . What if i feel inclined to the former option . Would that be wise ? On the other hand i really don't want to be a programmer without understanding the compiler , the processor underneath and everything else and maybe this is a deceiving expression for what really would be "I want to learn something complex so i can know more than someone else".... is all my IQ superficial ? ....
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    My story is similar: in high school nobody knew anything about programming or electronics, in 3 years i learned those by myself. Games are easier than learning thats why humans want yo play rather than learn, but we have another factor there games are more graphicly attractive than plain text books or boring internet articles where you learn from, studing would be great if teaches actualy helped you with your problems. If they dont help you, they basicly useless. I think you only need a little bit of motivation. Try to challenge yourself, if you like electronics try to make complex circuit that you never tried before. Sometimes you need to wait for right oppurtunity for that, maybe you will get great idea from something or piece of equipment, parts that going to push you further. I wish you best of luck! - student before uni with similar problems
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    @Hu-bot0x58 the app crashed on me as I was writing it , so I had to retype everything and it didn't come out as well with my frustration . I've missed a bunch of other punctuations as well , Just wanted a release .
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    Get a degree then never come back, I know degree is kinda useless for some. But it’s permanent and even better if it didn’t cost too much
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    As I am very young and don't really have much, I am proud of what I did so far in my IT life.

    I did a industry 4.0 project as diploma project (not college, school) that required me and my colleague to go to our absolute maximum. Project needed 180hours minimum per person, plus a 100+ page documentation.

    (I've spent far over 200 hours, not counting countless hours of rolling over in bed, being depressed and getting myself up to work again)

    We even went so far that he came over when we had free time and worked a 100 hour week. (Mind you our finals were the weeks after that and learning surely would've been beneficial instead of dealing with this crap)

    It wasn't a very pleasant time, but I learned a lot about industry 4.0 and what bad practices look like (we had fucking variables coming from the PLC named var1 or just x or i). But we still managed to do it, despite being totally lost and frustrated.

    Dont give up when it gets a bit hard, you'll come out stronger than b4.
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    But, what I am trying to say?

    You're asking the basic frontend / backend question.

    If you're good at dealing at the higher level, on the example of a web page, the styling, frameworks, integrations of lower processes etc. you don't really have time to understand everything even down to the compiler of the backend that gives you data.

    But if the lower levels are more interesting for you, roll around in there! Both positions are good and important work, nobody expects you to master everything available in a week. It comes with time, and sadly you can't learn experience.

    Since you seem a bit like me, try it like this.

    Code and use what you need, if you're missing a small piece, briefly look over what it is and learn it. If it's part of something bigger that you don't directly need, ignore or put on a list to look at later on in detail.

    If it's beneficial to your project, then dive deeper in it, but don't loose your main focus.
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    or WTFLDR;

    (way too fucking long didn't read)

    Even if you know every nook and cranny of a framework / language / whatever, experience is the only sane advisor that let's you go:

    "Oh 'xyz'? Yeah that sounds good on paper but sucks irl not gonna lie"

    I can see you're really passionate, so focus and you're gonna do well.
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    I can relate to and feel your frustration, you're not alone
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    @TheAnimatrix get the degree if it didn’t cost you a leg or two. It’s a permanent degree and could be used for backup plant later
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    Yeah my parents are gonna have me get it for sure ..... although dropping out now would save 2 years of fees I probably can't afford without loan ....
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    @orimligt I would say glad to hear that but it seems inappropriate
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    @beggarboy 1. Amazing how you have a friend who competes in the same league as you that definitely would help when working on something .. like an extra motivation to keep you performing

    2. Learning lower levels is essential at this point cause otherwise I'm Just limiting my spectrum of creativity and that's what bugs me. I just want to reinvent the wheel and I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do or even sustainable
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    3. Learning as I go is pretty much what I did so far and it feels like hacking, the knowledge feels superficial .
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    Jesus Christ it's called a paragraph, please use it
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    @TheAnimatrix One of the things a C god (teacher) told us was

    "Dont reinvent the wheel if it works"

    Because chances are the lower you go you are trying to tackle something on your own with precious time that hundreds of others have broken their heads over already.

    The result will probably be you having a (if even!) marginal better engine / backend for hours on end that don't really bring you anywhere. Using meta frameworks or good practices in action will bring you a lot further.
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    Please, for the love of God, stop with the space before punctuation. (Writing like this .)
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    @alexsteb I gave up when I read half of the posts here
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