devRant - A fun community for developers to connect over code, tech & life as a programmer

If you're not into sad ones then better skip this.

Parents wanted a good boy rather than a happy boy so they got one... I wanted to learn programming and make games. I was kinda good at school and kinda not good at socialising. Or not good at being wanted around since my stuff is shit and everybody else's good. Standard bullying applies. Still adults back then promised work hard, learn and it will be worth it. Follow your dreams said internet. So I did. Tried the university 4 or 5 years maybe, completed 2, no degree. Nobody said that socially anxious, depressed never-had-any-girlfriends with mood swings struggle getting through one-size-fits-all institutions. But I learned programming. Nobody really cared. Games completed: 0. Sex had: 0. All friends on depression forums. Tried learning driving then failed couple times and put this until I have money to throw at the bottomless pit of learning driving.

For the reasons that can be summarized as "my parents fucked up and my country fucked up too" I migrated. New country, migrant, warehouse jobs in the area with warehouse jobs for migrants. Worked a bit then went for a sort of uni level course or software development again, probably the easiest way to prove "I speak English too" on my CV. Barely made it, of course. Games completed: 0. Sex had: 0. All friends on anxiety online chat. I worked on one game but then ran out of time. It was time to look for employment. Made portfolio (from scraps of old projects), looked for half year (online), didn't find it.

Decided to move from low rent no jobs area to high rent with jobs area. Got factory job, worked maybe 6 days then quit mid day since my brain had a wave of extremely low mood mixed with "THIS IS NOT WHAT I LEARNED FOR". Btw 5 days of that work went to the scammer pretending to be a staffing agency. Workplace didn't respond and I didn't have an "official" address so didn't talk about it. Games completed: 0. Sex had: 0. Got one friend locally.

So that's 3 years ago.

Then by some miracle I got into my first software job. Some miracle constituted of going to local dev meetings and talking to a really generous man that happened to be looking for people. I did some ugly web development there, then the company found out they're not doing well and laid off half of devs including myself. Kept all the project managers for some reason, I guess you don't have to code projects if you can code existing clients. It was stressful but I found next employment within a month, which is where I am still. For next to minimum wage. Games completed: 0. Sex had: 0. Getting old, losing hair.

I found I have problems doing work. Had days and days during which I've written like 10 lines, maybe. Of easy stuff. Nightmare. Life is pain and it's all I can think of some days. I'm approaching 30. Still anxious, male-male street hostility present as always, burnt out. Can't afford own house, can only rent a room. At this point I've been like nowhere, had almost no relationships (online doesn't count), and almost done no fun stuff in life (discovered a hema club recently which is the last thing keeping my sanity). I think I've heard all advice there is, all about how privileged I am in this day and age, taking ownership, exercising, hard work, positivity (can suck my undesired d...), todo lists, sleep, omega-3, vitamin d, no shortcuts, more work. I feel like I've wasted 10-15 years. To be honest about the feeling I feel like the world has wasted my 10-15 years. I feel like absolute trash. There has been a lot of bad things and very little good ones. Recently it's been more nothingness. The best free time to be sit at home with your partner off work with plague outside: wasted. I've been off for almost as many months as worked past year. Games completed: 0. Sex had: 0. Hope lost: yes, most of. Weakness is a sin, world is made for fuckheads, terrorists win, no gods to hear your cries.

So I want to ask you guys and gals, should I pursue my gamedev dreams? I maybe have the base skills, but I struggle to use them because attention deficit or something that keeps my brain processing all the past misery rather than working. I don't think I have enough charm to be anywhere for pretty face. I think my personality isn't too great by now either. At least the public one. Still I want to do creative stuff, dark, crazy, ridiculous stuff. At least somewhat fun. But I feel like a burden. If I was a studio I wouldn't employ myself. Will I be able to do the job properly? Gamble. My energy is mostly spent and I can do only so much about it.

But maybe it's not what I should want, I don't know. I'm rather lost recently and don't think there's much goodness gradient to follow anymore.

Sorry for a messy post, I don't really know where to get stuff out of my head and in what order. I tried therapist, didn't work.