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Today my current company fuck itself.
We were in negotiations about the end of my contract/mission, I want to quit to create a company around AI.
And the actual chairman said to me "You think too highly of yourself. I could find a tenth of people to replace you so shut up and take what we offer".
30 minutes later they received my resignation. 1h after that, the 15 dev under me resigned (after two year working with us they are clearly under paid). At the end of the day, the Head of product and the two good PO resigned.
This morning I get an email, talking about suing me as I made everyone resigned and asking for a meeting.
So I went to the meeting with a lawyer, they weren't expecting it. Boring legal stuff came after that.
And the funny fact: at the end of the meeting the CIO, chief ops and the SRE resigned as well.... As they didn't want to have the run it without all the team...
Funny day :)
Last month the main product, 90% of the company use it, was launched. And in three months 80% if the IT profiles will be out...26
Recruiter: Hi, i'm recruiting for xyz, your profile looks like a great fit. Would you be interested in discussing further?
Me: Hi, your company website says you only have an office location in Berlin. I've marked my profile as not interested in relocation, only interested in jobs in my country and said the same in my description. Are you expanding to my country?
Recruiter: You are correct, this role is based in AMAZING Berlin. Are you interested in relocating?
Now let me be clear and say I’m not against code review in general and I think it’s a critical part of the engineering process...
But picture this situation:
Q: “Why is this const?”
A: because it is invariant and more information for the compiler means it’s easier to forward constants etc.
Q: “why don’t you do it this other way that’s no better than what you did here?”
A: “stop wasting time”
Q: “I’m going to block submission of this emergency patch because of code formatting and then go home for the day”
Q: <asks about some other c++ semantic related to the change under review>
A: <explains basic c++ language topology while simultaneously wondering why this is the appropriate forum for it>
Q: “you should have designed this the way I would”
There are some great code reviewers on my team but there are just as many time wasters who’s comments seem more related to not knowing how c++ works and how compilers work than actual deficiencies in my code.
I’ve also tried to bring better readability to our codebase in ways that are so subtle they are almost style agnostic and that has been met with fierce resistance (our codebase is actually quite good but has no naming conventions or file conventions whatsoever and it’s nuts how frustrating it is)
I guess to put it more precisely my issue with code review starts when it becomes somebody else’s forum to prove they’re smart enough and hard working enough to be worth their salary rather than a forum for improving submissions and catching bugs. I have a big fucking issue with that.16
I found a healthCheck function while troubleshooting an old application for a large auto manufacturer today. The healthCheck function was running several times a day on a timer. The function tries to insert a record into the database and returns whether or not it was successful. It was written in 1999 and has to date inserted over 2.5 million records into the database! 1/3rd of the data for this application was the same record.
How the hell did nobody notice this for 20 years!!!3
F*** all this motivational/inspirational shit going on nowadays. We don't need cold showers, wake up 4:30 AM, or sacrifice time with loved ones just because our ego wants to be successful.
What if I don't want it, what if I just want to BBQ some chickens, drink Red Bull, and watch some Netflix shows until I die.
I don't want to own a Lamborghini, big apartment, live in a warm place with a nice view over the blue ocean, etc. This is just an illusional life-style story that every single person in the world wants, and the reason is so media and commercial companies can trick people to buy whatever they want.
I don't give a shit, we'll all die someday, I don't need these things in my life to make me feel happy or complete. I've seen people with everything, yet they commit suicide because the inner self is broken.
Just be happy with whatever you have, and stop going after things that won't really make you happy. The fact you have eyes to see, ears to hear, and hands to feel is worth billions in itself.
I know I'm not on wifi. I get it. Sometimes data coverage isn't amazing or the network is congested. It's cool. You can just flash "no service" and I just won't try. or even "3G" and I'll have some patience. I rember how slow 3G was. It's okay, I'll wait.
But fucking stop showing 4G LTE if you can't make a fucking GET request for a 2kb text file in less than 5 minutes! Fucking really? Don't fucking lie to me with your false hope bullshit, just tell me the truth and I'll probably sigh and say shit and put my phone away.
But fuck you and your progress bar externally stuck in the middle. As if to say you're making progress! Wasting my time!
If you can't download a kilobyte in a 5min period, why even say I have data at all? What good does that do me?23
Just the other day I got back from getting an extra monitor.. and just when I came back home, some older lady that also lives in this residence came to me, all panicked because her left car lights wouldn't turn off. So she asked me whether I could fix it, because I'm a man and therefore technical... Yeah.
Told her I don't know anything about cars (I don't even have a driver's license), and she should ask someone else.. but she kept clinging on to me and eventually I figured.. screw it, how hard can it be?
Got to her car, yada yada yada.. lady opens the door, and it's full of fucking buttons everywhere! No fucking way that I'm gonna dabble with those. So, do the easiest thing first.
"Ma'm, could you please turn on the car?"
*Turns car on, all lights light up*
🤔 Fair enough...
"Hmm.. and what happens if you turn it off now?"
*Turns car off, all lights go off*
Lady: "I've got no idea how you've done it but thank you so much, you're an angel!! 😊"
Me: "Well.. 😅 let's just say that turning it on, off and back on again works at least 90% of the time..."14
Company I'm interviewing for wants me to pay for the plane ticket for final interview. It isn't cheap.
My wife's car alternator went out this weekend and I can only afford either the ticket or fixing her car this month.
If their intent was weeding out non financially secure individuals, well, they did a good job.
After asking recruiter about relocation assistance, he said that wasn't guaranteed either.
I feel like I'm paying this company for a job, not the other way around.
Guess I'm staying where I'm at.
It is probably a good thing, a company that skimps on what should be a trivial expense for them is probably not a company I want to work for.11
Boss: Hey man, can you do an extra couple of hours today to finish [...] up? I just talked to [person he knows is driving me home that day] and he said he would do them! Can I count on you?
Me: Hey, [person driving me home]. Are you really doing the extra hours the boss is asking for? I thought you didn't wanna stay longer today...
[person driving me home]: F*ck no! He hasn't asked me yet.1
I have colleagues that enjoy only drinking, nothing wrong so far but those guys are ordering a lot of crates monthly on the company budget.
You can see it as part of the fun or making the workplace enjoyable, what's wrong with having some relaxed atmosphere?
The funny fact that each developer has an education budget and guess what? you can't even claim it, the manager said no to conferences, if you want to get a book or training he will come up with 1000 excuses.
So when the company priority is spending thousands on drinks and ignore education and growth don't expect the motivated developers to stick longer.2
A Developer is desperate: his java application servers are unresponsive, thousand of dead zombie threads are sucking all cpus, memory is leaking everywhere, garbage collector has gone crazy, the cluster sessions are fucked....
The Developer goes to the closest bridge, ties a stone to his neck and gets ready to jump.
Suddenly a bearded old man with a fiery look runs toward him, yelling:
- stop stop!!!! Your application is not scaling and misconfigured, your servers are melting, cpu usage is not sustainable anymore, but don't despair
The Developer, puzzled, looks at him:
-I've never seen you...how do you know...
- Hey, man, I'm the Devil. I know everything. All your problems are solved. I'll give you magic functions. They are called Lambda.
You'll never have to worry about your servers, scalability, security, configuration and shit.
The Developer seems astonished but relieved:
- Ok, sounds great! let's try it - suddenly suspicion creeps in - hmmmm but you are the Devil....so...you want something back, don't you?
(the Devil nods lightly with a diabolic smile)
- ...and...you want my soul, I guess...
- your soul??? come on!!! - the Devil burst in a laugh - we are in 2019. I don't care about your soul. I want your ass.
- yes, I want to fuck your ass
The Developer, evaluates quickly the situation.
Few moments of pain or slight discomfort (?) in exchange for magic lambda. It could be worth. He accepts.
After a while of rough anal fucking, the devil asks
- Hey, how old are you anyway?
- 45, why?
- Oh jeeez...45!!!??? and you still believe in the devil?7
A list of Stux's !dev pet peeves.
1) Slow walking (elderly or visibly injured dont count most of the time) people in busy grocery stores. Like please move. I've got shit to do.
2) Thot bots on Instagram.
3) people who leave 2 or 3 car links between them and the car in front of them at a stoplight. I'm not saying you need to be touching their vehicle, but move closer damn.
4) People that say shit like "if you believe x, then unfollow me." Grow up and get over yourself. People are allowed opinions you asshat.
My name is Stuxnet and thank you for attending my TED talk.22
FUCK MY HOMEWORK “PARTNER” AT UNIVERSITY. So this useless piece of shit has never contributed at all to the homework. We have to hand it in in pairs because the correction effort would be too big otherwise. I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t for what happened today.
Got back my homework and it had ZERO points. Only remark was “Either this is copied from someone or someone copied this”. I ask him wtf that is about. He’s the only person I shared photos with in the hopes of him checking my results, but he didn’t even do that. He denies having shown it to anybody else.
I play it cool and wait for class to be over. At the end, he goes like “Oh… I just remembered. I gave it to a friend of mine after he asked”. I play it cool and just tell him not to do it again. “Yeah, that’s the thing, I also did it for this week’s homework”. At this time I’m really having trouble to put on a calm face, but I manage to, go out with him, and say bye. I then went back in and talked to the teacher about it. Luckily, he believed me everything. This could have ended much worse.15
This fucking imp.
I had my first extensive code review today and this bitch totally sold me out and I feel demoralized as fuck. Since I'm new in the team, my boss points me to this other developer who has done a lot of the scripts they've been using. The questions I ask her are not things I can just figure out through "logic" so keep in mind, I have no other option but to trust her word.
Today, my boss reviewed the code and found a piece I used to handle some scenarios. He asked me why I did that. I said I had issues so I asked cuntface what was the standard for it. He then asked cuntface, and she denied, "no, no, I gave this other code" and I looked like a fucking fool or a liar.
Thinking I may have made a mistake, I looked back to our Skype conversation and saw that cuntface edited her previous message and replaced it with a different file name. She sent me the wrong file and now covering her ass for it! How did I know she changed the file? Because I asked her after that "is this it? (pasted code snippet from the file)" where she responded "yes". Guess what? That snippet is not in the file she changed to. Yes, I double check with her now because prior to this, she's done a lot of shit like this that fucked my timeline. I guess she couldn't edit the entire conversation to make shit up. She said "yes" to the wrong code.
Before this, she also:
* Gave me incorrect URLs that the other developer asked me where I got it from because that shit ain't working. She would also often say she doesn't know when she was supposed to be the source of information for these credentials. The only time she would actually look into it is if I message my boss saying I can't proceed because cuntface nigga don't know.
* Made the lives of me and another developer miserable by using tabs and spaces interchangeably in Python. This is not us being nitpicky but jesus christ, have you seen a code that looks the same but doesn't work the same and you spent countless hours trying to figure out why?
* She was assigned to pass me the requirements from another senior who works on a different shift. When I finished, the other boss got upset because ***I*** didn't understand the requirements.
* I reported that I'm getting an error when querying the database. She said it was down. Boss asked how my testing is going. I said I can't continue because the database is down. He was like "No, it's up." Fuuuuuck you, bitttch.
I'm so tired of this shit. I don't want to be the immature motherfucker to stir some drama over this and prove that she's a fucking braindead son of a bitch but moving forward, I'll keep asking my boss directly even if he gives me the option to ask the bitch again. Maybe he'll get the idea.
I need a different strategy because my boss is pretty busy but the bitch available is giving away false information that I cannot verify so what the fuck.
The sad thing is I really like this project and our CTO is just fucking amazing but of course, there's always someone fucking everything up. Now there's two of them. Two of the same kind. Fuck shit.45
For all people asking u to be partners of their "billionaire" idea, and to be paid from revenue ONLY when the plateform goes live or shit like this, BEWARE.
For all of them i had the same answer: "ok, ill share with you the project, but until it goes live, i am the only one who is giving sacrifice, and since we are partners, i want us both to do same level of sacrifices in order to deserve later the share of revenue... That being said, u have to pay the hours of devlopment, all of them, and when it goes live, from the revenue ill get, ill pay you back what you paid on dev cost"
It is the only way to be really even...
And if he refuse, ask them again "why? I taought u where 100% sure that your idea will work and become a billionaire why u think it is risky tp pay few thousands????"
... Now he is having second thaughts16
Now seriously, WHAT THE FUCK???
Every single time I have to work with people from a particular country [you have one guess. Yepp, that's the one], I see A-FUCKING-LOOOOOOT of manual work?!?
"can you reboot the server?"
-"sure, let me help you, sir" <20 minutes later> "done"
"can you unlock my account?"
-"yes, just a moment sir" <20 minutes later> "please check now"
"can you restart this environment w/ 200 instances?"
-"yes sir, let me check" <6 hours later> "please check now"
"you've missed 18 containers"
-"oh okay sir, will restart them now" <2hours later> "please check now"
[I am already OoO]
why is it that every time I have to work with you guys I am the one who is automating shit. How come you never think of/do any automata? You are fucking technitians, you should know how. WHY DO YOU ENJOY CLICKING ALL-DAY-LONG????
I'm serious. Why??? I'm struggling to understand...28
After months of searching for a damn bug I've finally found it in a 5h session. People increasingly started to worry whether this bug has been introduced because of a recent update of the programming language, but I finally found the bug in a dependency. Nobody thought it would be the dependency, because it wasn't updated in 9 months, but it seems like the update improved the networking a tiny bit, whiche caused a buffer to load a second mesage sooner than expected.
I can finally work on my side project again!
Colleague: Hey mister IHateForALiving, I've seen you made two files for a single form
Me: I did that because these two forms have nothing in common. You can have either one or the other and do totally different things, and I splitted them because they are fairly complex, and you may want to add more of this kind in the future.
Colleague: That's not how you should handle the matter, you should have put everything in a single file and handle everything via if else if else
Yeah Helen lucky you for thinking a single file of thousands of lines handled via switch-case is a good idea, must be great living life with the IQ of a rock, please give me a call if you ever decide to stick your head out of your ass just the tiny bit it takes for some oxigen to reach your brain8
I absolutely hate instant messaging sometimes. People's spoiled brat, needy, and narcissistic princess attitude somehow magically appears when you start talking to them through these apps.
"Hey, I'm bored. I want to talk about myself and waste your time on a one-way boring conversation that's all about me."
"I want your attention or anyone else's attention. I know I have nothing interesting or funny to say but I have needs, you know. Entertain me!"
"Hey, I feel ugly and shitty, let me trigger on you to release my anger. Oh yeah, I started that sensitive topic so I can treat you like a punching bag with all my bitchiness if you say something I don't like."
I'm all for sick, dark, and dirty humor. It's hard to offend me even with racist jokes or whatever's moving around your anus but is there any form of etiquette left? Do you really expect someone on the internet to put up with your shit? Like, how? I didn't share a single moment of my life with you, man, I don't have to tolerate you at all. Fuck off.15
This next one is dedicated to a couple of special people at my workplace:
- The person who uploaded internal-use-only code to a personal repository on GitHub
- The network team that has blocked any and all access to GitHub
- The obscured mass of management bureaucracy that makes it pretty much impossible for anyone at my level to make any sort of appeal
This one's for you: