Clickbait will never change.
It's the most stable and constant source of mild annoyance.

2019 internet:

"These 3 programming languages will net you the highest salary"
"Ten home improvement tips using nothing but recycled underwear"
"How to cut onions like a real chef"

2020 internet:

"3 programming languages to learn while being bored in self-quarantine"
"Ten ways to use underwear as facemasks during the pandemic"
"Onions might cure corona, click here to learn how to cut them"

2030 internet:

"These 3 programming languages will increase your chances of survival in the wastelands"
"Ten ways to patch up your shelter against radioactive ashes using old underpants"
"Hydroponic onions are a good source of nutrients. Here's how you cut them with your camping knife"

A wild Darwin Award nominee appears.

Background: Admins report that a legacy nightly update process isn't working. Ticket actually states problem is obviously in "the codes."

Scene: Meeting with about 20 people to triage the issue (blamestorming)

"Senior" Admin: "update process not working, the file is not present"
Moi: "which file?"
SAdmin: "file that is in ticket, EPN-1003"
Moi: "..." *grumbles, plans murder, opens ticket*
...
Moi: "The config dotfile is missing?"
SAdmin: "Yes, file no there. Can you fix?"
Moi: "Engineers don't have access to the production system. Please share your screen"
SAdmin: "ok"
*time passes, screen appears*
Moi: "ls the configuration dir"
SAdmin: *fails in bash* > ls

*computer prints*
> ls
_.legacyjobrc

Moi: *sees issues, blood pressure rises* "Please run list all long"
SAdmin: *fails in bash, again* > ls ?
Moi: *shakes* "ls -la"
SAdmin: *shonorable mention* > ls -la

*computer prints*
> ls -la
total 1300
drwxrwxrwx- 18 SAdmin {Today} -- _.legacyjobrc

Moi: "Why did you rename the config file?"
SAdmin: "Nothing changed"
Moi: "... are you sure?"
SAdmin: "No, changed nothing."
Moi: "Is the job running as your account for some reason?"
SAdmin: "No, job is root"
Moi: *shares screenshot of previous ls* This suggests your account was likely used to rename the dotfile, did you share your account with anyone?
SAdmin: "No, I rename file because could not see"
Moi: *heavy seething* so, just to make sure I understand, you renamed a dotfile because you couldn't see it in the terminal with ls?
SAdmin: "No, I rename file because it was not visible, now is visible"
Moi: "and then you filed a ticket because the application stopped working after you renamed the configuration file? You didn't think there might be a correlation between those two things?"
SAdmin: "yes, it no work"
Interjecting Director: "How did no one catch this? Why were there no checks, and why is there no user interface to configure this application? When I was writing applications I cared about quality"
Moi: *heavy seething*
IDjit: "Well? Anyone? How are we going to fix this"
Moi: "The administrative team will need to rename the file back to its original name"
IDjit: "can't the engineering team do this?!"
Moi: "We could, but it's corporate policy that we have no access to those environments"
IDjit: "Ok, what caused this issue in the first place? How did it get this way?!"

TFW you think you've hit the bottom of idiocy barrel, and the director says, "hold my mango lassi."

A conversation I had today with my mother-in-law (replace with any boomer).

Me: When did you get this 4G home mobile internet subscription?

MIL: About 3 years ago.

Me: What's the max speed on it?

MIL: No idea.

Me: What are you paying for it per month?

MIL: Not sure.

Me: Ok... Can I see your last bill?

MIL: Hang on, it's on the drawer somewhere with all the other million paper bills I get because I don't know email billing has existed since 2001. Let me dig through it.

Me: You should sign up for email billing...

MIL: What if I forget because I don't see the email?

Me: You don't check your email?

MIL: No because all I get is spam...

Me: You should use a second email for spam.

MIL: How do I know which is spam?

Me: Umm... Anyway about that bill...

MIL: It's $29,90 and it's 10Mbits.

Me: Yeah sounds about right, these speeds are bad and that's definitely a very old plan... There are plans for 50Mbit for $14,90 now. You should swap.

MIL: But this is fine for me.

Me: Literally what?

MIL: I don't need it any faster.

Me: You spend all day watching Netflix and YouTube and you're paying for the HD plan and you don't have fast enough speed... Also when you do that, no one else can use the internet, nothing will load for us.

MIL: You've never had a problem with it before when you were both here.

Me: Because we've never stayed here longer than like 2 days, and usually we use our mobile hotspots but I need to connect some devices via wired now.

MIL: Why do you need to do that?

Me: Never you mind. Anyway, both your daughter and I would like the internet to be at least a twentieth of our home internet speed... Not a hundredth... Plus it's literally $180 cheaper per year.

MIL: I think having slow internet is nice (she actually said this).

Me: We don't, and wtf no one thinks slow internet is nice... Really you should upgrade. They'll probably end support for this plan soon anyway because it's so old (half lie). Also $180 is a lot of money to save.

MIL: If they haven't after 3 years then I doubt they will and they'll just change my over automatically, won't they?

Me: Yes but they probably won't offer you anything remotely as good as if you asked yourself. Why won't you swap?

MIL: Oh I don't know. I don't understand any of the things they ask on the phone.

Me: You can do it all online. You signed up to Netflix without any problems...

MIL: I'll think about it.

Me: Okay and I'll think about mowing the lawn and digging those few new garden beds you wanted.

--------------------

1 hour later (to her daughter)

MIL: Oh so I got a 5 pack of these 100 decorated serviettes and they were 25% off.

Me: But you won't save $15 a month and get 5 times faster internet to satisfy your daughter and her partner.

--------------------

Some more hours later

MIL: (to my partner) Can you ask pythoninrelay why Netflix isn't working?

Me: It seems to be because I'm downloading some stuff.

MIL: Can you do that later?

Me: Nope.

MIL: Okay how long is it going to take?

Me: At this rate, about 13 hours.

MIL: What? What on earth takes that long to download!

Me: Quantum Break (it's 100GB)

MIL: Is that a show? Can't you watch it on Netflix?

Me: No and no it's not on Netflix.

MIL: Well this just won't do! It's not going to work if only one person can use the internet at a time!

Me: ... So you'll swap the internet over?

MIL: That'll solve the problem?

Me: Pretty much.

MIL: How long will it take to swap it over?

Me: Probably about an hour, but definitely less than 13 hours.

MIL: Can you just download that whilst you sleep?

Me: We have dozens of other things we need to download and I need to reprovision my home server. Can you watch Netflix whilst we sleep?

MIL: ...

Me: Just give me your laptop and let me change this shit for fucks sake! It was your fucking idea that we all quarantine here. Even if we didn't NEED to swap it, you should think about being proactive enough to make use of my talents and ask me how you can save money and get a better deal on stuff like this anyway.

MIL: I don't care about getting deals on stuff like this.

Me: Yeah nah, but fucking serviettes are worth bragging about right? Hand me the fucking laptop. I won't ask again or we're leaving, quarantine or not.

--------------------

Not even 35 minutes later, the plan speed silently increases and we're enjoying 100Mbit internet and it's the same price she was paying for 10Mbit. All this fuss and she didn't have to lift a finger...

We've succeeded in making a world where boomers can just live in total selfish comfort and where it's painful for them to consider someone else's needs, even temporarily. Especially if they don't get to brag about it.

Hey devRant. What the fuck is up?

I'm new and just wanted to say hi or whatever. I don't even work in any computer science related job. I'm a fucking welder.

I have aspirations one day to be just like you nerds. I fall asleep at my desk almost every night taking random online programming classes which I lose interest halfway through to some OTHER class and redo the same shit.

Is this what it's like to be smart?

I have coronavirus. Went to ER because I couldn't breathe Sunday night. Thought I was fucked. I decide to try to work a couple hours today because I'm getting restless. I'm an associate and have been on a project about a month. No prior software job.

Anyway. They ask me to clone a repo and run some tests. Cool, I can do that. They give me another example to look at to make sure I'm running the test right. Except the test files aren't attached to the email nor is the path to them provided.

I ping the other associate developer on Skype and ask for the test files and get a passive aggressive response that they're in the email. No, they're not you fuck stick, hence why I'm fucking asking you, and given that I almost fucking died a couple days ago, you should be fucking grateful I even logged on. Motherfucker.

Ok I feel better now.

So, I was out cruising in my sports car the other day. Porsche, two seater, about 400 hp.

When I stopped at a red light I was next to a man driving his family of four in his Volkswagen. I revved my car to show my power, but he seemed unfazed by my superior engine. When the light became green I floored it, he didn't have a chance of catching up, I just left him behind and laughed. He's so stupid for driving that slow car.

I can't understand why anyone would ever want to drive a Volkswagen when they are just so obviously slow?

👆This is how you sound like when you compare languages only based on how fast they are.

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago..

#TheCoronaEffect

Before Corona: (Work From Office)

Boss: Let's have a call.
Me: Sure, allow me some time I am assisting the team on a new feature in the app.
Boss: Ok, ping me as you get free.

----------------------------------------------------------

Now: (Work From Home)

Boss: ***Calls for the 15th time in a day...***
Me: (With Bleeding Ears) Yes sir, am here...!
(Having to pick up every single time as he knows you've got nowhere to go 'coz the whole city is in LockDown)
Boss: ***Talks for another 1 hour with screen share***

My Boss is a bigger threat to my health than Corona now!!!

#GoCoronaGo

Why people keep installing shit on their computers and then asks me if I can fix their PC that "randomly" stopped to run as fast as before?

If you, fucking retard, installed combos of 2 or sometimes even 3 antivirues, the worst ones by the way (e.g. Avast + Norton + Avira), some bullshit utilites like BoostMyFuckingPC 9000, SpeedMyGPU, etc. it's normal that it doesn't work, especially if you have a low end laptop with Intel i3 and 4 GB of RAM…

And it's not true I'm a magician if I make it work properly again, I just undone the fucking decisions you made when you started to search on bing how to increase FPS in LoL…

Fuck you, and fuck me because since we're friends/relatives I HAVE to help you little bastard.

Unable to fetfh data..
Invetory..
Mencache..
Coutry..

This codebase is my NIGHTMARE. Abandon all your common sense and throw away your education. I thought I've spoken enough when the other developer asked what the problem was and I said, "The code looks like a maze, to be honest." But I spoke too fast. Not only is someone's project structure so avant-garde that it can't be understood in a three dimensional world, it's also so damn hopeless, not even Jesus can save it.

Imagine debugging this fecal matter and before you even go through an in-depth investigation, you are halted by something as simple as searching for a variable. Ah, you want to know how they're fetching (sorry, "fetfhing") the country code? Simple enough, search for "country". No results? You dummy, it's "coutry"! Come on, how can you not know that?!

Oh, you want to correct all the trash? Too bad I stuck with the misspellings and dragged it all the way to my test cases. You want to proceed anyway? Well, I don't know. Do you have access to the other repositories that also use the APIs in this code that return those fucked up responses and will probably fail because I spawned this monster of child and I'm sticking to it up to the very end? Are you sure you want to do that, you little bitch?

I'm seeing red. I think my eyes are bleeding.

know what pisses me the fuck off? when the manager of another department jumps over me and goes straight to the head of my department for a request that they want from MY department.

Currently, there are 2 stupid bitches that insist on doing this fuckery. One of them keeps getting owned by our DBA since for whatever reason she sends her requests to me, just for the DBA to remind her that I ain't giving her access to shit and bla bla

The other is the head of the human resources department. It goes like this: sends wrong data, task gets delayed cuz we have to sort her shit, gets impatient, bitches at head of department and his boss about us taking long(bitch 3 hours ain't long and your shit ain't critical) just for me to reply back with images and LOOK FUCKTARD YOU MESS THIS UP red arrows showing how what she did was wrong and I had to fix it for her.

Sends a reply back only to me saying thanks, ah no pendeja, I will forward aaaaaaall of that shit to everyone else, tried throwing me under the bus? well now ima do it to you.

And fuck those 3 applications you requested, have fun adding shit manually through spreadsheets and then go eat shit and die.

So i got a message on a job platform today from a recruiter. So far nothing unusual. But what he wrote was really disgusting. It was basically something like this:

"Since many engineers now lose their jobs in the covid-19 crises, rest assured that we are still hiring! I work for a large company blablablabla..."

So he tries to play with your fear of losing your job in the coming depression. It's also quite possible, that he will also try to negotiate a shit salary for you. Since at least you have safe job now, right?

Fucking disgusting pig.

So, a few months ago I agreed to rewrite a previous employer's OAuth app -- paid work, ofc, if below my usual rate. It's a rewrite because the project is so deprecated and fragile that upgrading it is likely much more difficult.

however, I drastically overestimated how much free time I would have. I thought I could shave off an hour a day to spend on it, and get the project done in a few weeks. However, it turns out I barely have twenty minutes a day to myself, and it's only after I'm mentally exhausted from the day's efforts.

I don't think I'm capable of completing the project given the demands on my time -- even if it's relatively straightforward to do.

I don't want to tell them no, especially after waiting on me for this. but I don't think I have a choice.

I feel terrible.

DO !!!NOT!!!!! USE 'X' AND 'P' TO 'CUT AND PASTE' A LOT OF LINES ACROSS FILES IN VIM!!! HOLY SHIT I JUST PWNED MYSELF SO HARD I LOST SO MUCH CODE HOLY FUCK IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY! WHERE DID AT ALL GO YOU ASK, WHY THE FUCKING REGISTER, OK LET'S CHECK THE REGISTER, COOL THERE IT IS, BUT WAIT, THERE'S ONLY LIKE 20% OF IT BECAUSE WE CUT A SHIT LOAD OF LINES AT ONCE, AND THE REGISTER OVERFILLED.... Ok let's calm down, doesn't Vim have a recovery option? Yes it does, but WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE, MY CHANGES ARE NOT IN THE SWAP FILE BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE VIM CRASHED OR ANYTHING, MY DUMB-FUCK-ASS WILLFULLY WROTE THE CHANGES WHEN I SWITCHED OVER TO THE NEW FILE, AND NOW, WELL THAT'S IT, YOU'RE DEAD KIDDO, YOU WROTE THE CHANGES TO DISK, NOTHING YOU CAN DO, AND I AM SO SCREWED I SPECIFICALLY MADE A DEVRANT ACCOUNT TO MAKE SURE NO ONE ELSE PWNS HIMSELF AS HARD AS I JUST DID HOLY FUCK

My company now of three months has proven to be the most perfect environment for me to pursue what I would call a long road to senior level expertise in software development. They say you can only grow as large as the room your in will allow. Everyone around me has 30+ years of experience and is ridiculously intelligent. Theres not one feature that does not correctly use sufficient design patterns,. Code is actively refactored to the point that it reads like a book. New technologies are pursued, btw dont tell me mongo cant be proficient in a large environment, these guys have proven differently (it just takes the right abstractions to keep it safe). I encourage every dev to find that team that pushes you to be more.

It's like us humans LIKE IT when things are fucking complicated and difficult and complex. We ENJOY creating problems when there just couldn't be any.

Ultra-basic example: string interpolation:

Ruby: "why #{ the_fuck }"

JS: `why ${ the_fuck }`

Python: 'why { the_fuck }'

PHP: "why $the_fuck"

Why.the.fuck. is it so difficult for everyone who writes programming languages to fucking agree on doing things the same way? I understand you're all geniuses but sometimes one just can't fucking tell. We'd ALL have MUCH to gain if people could spend their fucking time working rather than figuring out why the fuck "quit" works but "exit" doesn't. Why the FUCK do all these people feel that making things unnecessarily different somehow adds inches to their floppy cocks?

FUCK YOU and fuck your computers too and your fucking languages in one huge sandwich of fuck yous with human mayo on top.

imagine having kernel memory leaks in 2020

AT&T or Huawei, whichever, pushed an update for my already-struggling-to-exist phone that made the kernel memory leak go from 480KB/hr avg to 22.5MB/hr avg. When my free RAM is never under 50% of 2GB after the kernel starts loading other shit and i'm able to express free RAM, at any time in use, in megs, with 8 bits... this means my phone crashes, with no apps running aside from a trimmed list of stock apps, every 3-4 hours due to running out of RAM. The only usable (read: not R/O because unrooted) swapfile is located on a tmpfs, so it's completely fucking useless (and eats another 100MB of RAM that I could be using for LITERALLY anything else, that's like another 3 hours of full idle between crashes) and I can't unlock the bootloader to fix any of this as Huawei no longer hands out keys and it'd take 7 years or so to brute (32-bit @ 10/sec)

tl;dr: fuck

Well that's it folks,
Australia has started to shutdown and become the isolated island it once was again, even more so with states shutting down independently.

Atleast we have the intern -

fuck, got to reboot the modem... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
where was i, oh yea -

internet right? It's not like the NBN wasn't designed to have every fucking Aussie using it at once or anything 🙄

https://abc.net.au/news/2020-03-22/...

Yeah so i'm not very happy with my current "job"

When i applied, they asked for a couple tests to access what i know, a simple CRUD, designing some databases according to the needs of hipothetical clients etc. It was simple, but i've made myself clear that i was a beginner.

They proposed to me to work in the support team, to gain knowledge so then i could work with the Dev team. The excuse was that the project was "too big" to wrap my head around it right now. And i was to familiarize myself by _using_ the software while in support.

Welp i guess they believe that poking at the black box and getting outputs instead of looking what's inside is a better way to understand how it works. Besides, most of what i do is migrate client retail data, basically picking data from one database and putting in a particular structure to be able to import in the new system (from our company) so if i'm learning something is about the structure of other retail softwares.

So far, they didn't give me any feedback on the tests i've send them (the crud and stuff), because nobody had the time to look at it, literally, i can see who accessed my files and nobody has ever opened it.

So there i am, in a dark corner of the room, far away from my "team". In the first week i made a simple portable app that automated at least 50% of my work, showed it to them and they liked it. But now i was spending half my time doing nothing, sometimes a whole day doing nothing.

They said i were to be trained to be on support, but they didn't train me, and i'm 90% sure they expect me to be rovering over their pcs while they're doing stuff and ask what is it that they're doing. I'm not doing it, it's invasive, i personally hate to have people close to me asking what i'm doing. So i spend my time in the corner refactoring my app and learning new stuff.

They wanted to send my app to some partners that also migrate systems, so of course i asked for a code review before it was rolled to "production". Welp no, nobody looked at my code, and they send it anyway.

Now the head of the company asked me to do an app to easy the emission of tax tickets, and i'm doing it, alone again, while no one is available to look at my code. I was learning as i go, and that meant refactoring the project multiple times because i didn't know about desktop app architecture and design back then (it's _kind_ of MVVM rn). And so far it's in the thousands of lines of code.

This whole thing is very dismotivating, i'm basically working as freelancer but with company designated restraints, my code has never been read by other people besides me. If i speak about a security flaw in their system, they don't even bother to listen. And so far i'm not officially in any team, and it's been 3 months. I'm tired of doing things by myself.

Thank you for reading.

This begs for a rant... [too bad I can't post actual screenshots :/ ]

Me: He k8s team! We're having trouble with our k8s cluster. After scaling up and running h/c and Sanity tests environment was confirmed as Healthy and Stable. But once we'd started our load tests k8s cluster went out for a walk: most of the replicas got stoped and restarted and I cannot find in events' log WHY that happened. Could you please have a look?

k8s team [india]: Hello, thank you for reaching out to k8s support. We will check and let you know.

Me: Oh, you're welcome! I'll be just sitting here quietly and eagerly waiting for your reply. TIA! :slightly_smiling_face:

<5 minutes later>

k8s team India: Hi. Could you give me a list of replicas that were failing?

Me: I gave you a Grafana link with a timeframe filter. Look there -- almost all apps show instability at k8s layer. For instance APP_1 and APP_2 were OK. But APP_3, APP_4 and APP_5 were crashing all over the place

k8s team India: ok I will check.

<My shift has ended. k8s team works in different timezone. I've opened up Slack this morning>

k8s team India: HI. APP_1 and APP_2 are fine. I don't even see any errors from logs, no restarts. All response codes are 200.

Me: 🤦‍♂️ .... Man, isn't that what I've said? ... 🤦‍♂️