35
Bitwise
9d

After about 2 weeks of serious despair, lack of motivation, and just total apathy, I have finally broken out of the depression and feel better. I even went to the doctor because I seriously felt like I was dying, just to rule out any physical ailment.

Depression sucks. I was diagnosed as bipolar and have been managing without meds...so I get into these severe slides that can last hours, days, weeks, or sometimes months.

This one was a doozy....but I am back to coding and feeling good about my future again. Now to try to repair all the damage I did during the episode.

Like working my job instead of looking for another one.

Seems like this month has been a doozy for many on here.

Comments
  • 8
    Everyone is Bipolar, just that the degree varies (a bit). Happy Coding!
  • 2
    When I was a bit younger my dad told me depression is when you are split between a decision. It is hard to admit, but depression is a choice. I'm not saying this to diminish any feelings, as every feeling is valid and serves a purpose. I simply believe in people in the same way that my dad believed in me.
  • 5
    I feel better today, too, for some reason. Depression really sucks.
  • 3
    Not depression in my case but I felt so much self loathing today. My thoughts telling me how worthless I am, was damn near close to tears.
    After a few hours sleep I was able to wake up and get back to work.
  • 1
    Get well soon bro.

    I am waiting for my time.
  • 3
    @Bitwise it's a bitch, but you're stronger than your depression.

    I have a suggestion that worked for me when I needed it most. If you would like me to share, I will; I just don't want to if you have mechanisms that work for you already and you're tired of people shoving suggestions down your throat.
  • 2
    @QueenMorgana Can I ask for the solution?
  • 4
    @Floydian bows that I stopped breaking my keyboard, yes lol.

    I starting thinking of one good thing in my life when I wake up, and one thing I'm looking forward to that day (leaving work is a valid answer). Over time, I added thinking about one thing I'm good at, one person I'd get to talk to, one food I'd get to eat, etc. I added in thinking of one thing I did that day that I enjoyed, something new I got to try, etc. before going to bed.

    Simple things, but it shifted my focus away from the negatives long enough for me to regain control.

    There are certainly days it doesn't work, but overall, I'm a happier person than I was before I started.
  • 1
    Keep fighting, glad you were able to rebalance again and reading your newer rant, companies see your potential and you might be able to finally settle down at a place that gives you comfort 😊
  • 1
    @QueenMorgana So basically you mean to be grateful with life?

    Well, at some point in time, it stops working for you.

    I turned to spirituality and that's where everything materialistic has no value for me.

    Hence, I further end up asking 'what's the purpse of everything when eventually we are going to die?' to myself.
  • 0
    @QueenMorgana

    My problem is, I have no idea what triggers it, or what releases it.

    I could be feeling on top of the world, then become completely sluggish, physically ill, for absolutely no reason, and i have dissected my life and these episodes with a scalpel.

    It is like a big wave that comes and goes there is no rhyme or reason, except that it is going to come and there will be an end.

    I become so physically ill that I don't get out of bed, my relationships with people become edgy, I am a bear to be around (even in chat)

    Then poof, gone, immediately, I am happy, enjoying life, nothing changed to allow this to happen, it just does.

    I am even seeing a psychologist, and ironically most times I see her, it is on an upswing, so I have nothing to report. It seems I can never get her scheduled on a down swing.
  • 0
    @Bitwise

    This is why I am so afraid to actually accept a job where it is not remote. Even when I was an aircraft mechanic, my typical time I was able to keep a job was 3 months. I make some really bad decisions and/or just completely shut down during these episodes. At least with working remote I can hide it and keep my job until I come out of it. If I go back to work at an office, it will be difficult again to get through these episodes with job in tact, which is the main reason I am afraid to leave my remote gigs.
  • 1
    @Bitwise I'm leaving this piece of writing in hopes that it may help somebody. I hope things get better for you, honestly!

    'We spend life looking for information from authorities. That is to say, we are looking for answers from someone who has appeared to have figured them out already. Along the journey, we forget that we are born from unconsciousness since we use consciousness to make sense of the world enough to decide what either is. During this unconsciousness, we have no way to control what is happening around us, and we are forced to deal with the throes of life without having the coping skills of being able to ask for and subsequently accept meaning. So over time, through consciousness, and with enough meaning created, we can make sense of a life worth living. However we do that does not matter, through God or some other philosophy, since the effects of consciousness are what gives us the answers all along. And we have permission to believe ourselves.'
  • 2
    @Floydian I get that. But for me, it's more of a "fuck it. I'll try that. If it kills me, I'm going to die anyways" mindset.

    It's not fully a be thankful for life thing. I hated my life for a while, but I saw it could've been worse (ie - I could've lost my arm traumatically rather than having been born with one hand. At least this way there's no pain).
  • 1
    @Bitwise 🤗 can you set an agreement where you can call her if needed? Not all allow that, but some do. They either help you remotely, or set an emergency appointment. In your case, she's probably help over the phone.

    Not all depression is triggered by something; and even if it is, you might never figure out what.

    I'm not certified in anything but computers, so I don't have anything other than my own experience to draw from. However, I can say that you recognizing your patterns and thinking through what's going on is huge, and speaks of a true sense of maturity. I don't know what I can do to help, but I'm willing to be here for you and try.
  • 2
    @QueenMorgana Agreed there with the fuck it attitude.

    But my case (most of the time) is different where I am completely helpless.

    Which means, the thing I am trying depends upon another person.

    I know this sucks and one should not get themselves in such situation in first place, but somehow my needs/wants/curiosity gets me in such circumstances.

    That said, I cannot go with fuck it attitude. And even if I gather courage to do it, the lack of planning or unpredictable circumstances will make me fall on a concrete floor, head first.

    I will only end up devastating everything. Hence, I choose to wait. Still waiting...
  • 2
    @Floydian that's fair. Everyone is different. I just share what works for me in case it works for someone else.

    If I can be here to help at all, let me know. As I said above, I'm not certified, but I can try. I care and want to help if possible.
  • 2
    @QueenMorgana Sure. Thanks and I would offer the helping hand to you and others as well :)
  • 1
    I know how you feel. Glad you're feeling better!
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