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@zlice I agree. It's hard to truly understand that depression doesn't care what you've accomplished. Even for those of us who endure it.
I also didn't put the suicide tag because I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate. This is just something weighing heavily on me today. I've been struggling to dig out from under it and focus on my work. -
Oh, I realize I didn't mention why I posted this here in a clear fashion, though I eluded to it in my comment above.
The anxiety and depression are enough at times that I have entire days without much in the way of productivity. That's even with treatment.
Some days I write code that I'm proud of. Code that earns kudos from my peers and that I know I can feel good for. Other days I feel like I don't deserve my job.
I imagine I'm not the only one who struggles with this. It has gotten better, but damn if it hasn't kicked the shit out of me. -
@xorith I get what you're saying. I felt this way when Avicii died. I was really down (and to add to that I had some troubles at work and with my manager) for more than two weeks.
For most of my days I have felt like I'm drowning in a sea of shit. Anything that can go wrong always goes wrong. But somehow I keep a positive outlook. That makes me wonder how much more agony these people have suffered to take that decision. It's saddening. -
I've been battling severe depression for most of my life. It does not care if I should be happy or content, what I've achieved, what great things I'm looking forward to; it ensures none of that really matters.
And sometimes -- like today -- it takes over, crushes me into the floor, and leaves me a useless mess incapable of moving or even caring.
I do my best to hide it from others, as it never actually helps no matter what people say or do, and they don't need the negativity. So, I've become a very good actress. Not today, though. Today I'm a blob.
Today I'm reminded of Robin Williams as the world mourns the loss of Anthony Bourdain.
You may think: "this has nothing to do with development", but I think it does.
I've struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. Before my passion and love for writing code became my career, I just assumed it was due to not being happy. When it persisted after finally moving into a career when I do what I love, I realized it's much deeper.
When these people who greet the world with smiles, or make us ourselves smile, end up taking their own life... it gives me pause. How many times do I fight back the darkness? Will I ever lose that fight? Will it matter?
Depression is a serious illness. It's not simply someone being ill-equipped to deal with life. Even the most stable-seeming person around us could be battling this darkness in silence.
You only find out when they lose that battle.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/...
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