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@RiderExMachina @Linux THANK YOU GUYS, THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.
Me yesterday:
"I think I've been too harsh on desktop Linux. Maybe I'll give it one more shot. Ok, debian 9 looks decent."
- Unetbootin fails to recognize usb drive
"Hmmm ok. I'll use ether to to put the iso directly on the drive."
- Bios requires disabling of secure boot
"Uhhh..I guess I'll just disable it in the bios."
- Debian fails to configure network
"Lol fuck this."
rant