Non-dev nightmare story. Ignore.

I haven't had nightmares and sleep paralysis for a while. Maybe because my time awake is nightmare itself and I already feel paralyzed. They often say that depression is like a black cloud over your head but this morning, I actually dreamt about black clouds.

I was lying in bed trying to wake up but every time I open my eyes, I see black clouds covering my sight. Black clouds flowing fast towards me like those in time lapse videos. I keep telling myself that I need to get up and be brave, otherwise I will be stuck in my bed forever. So I tried opening my eyes multiple times and staring into the black clouds but every time I do, they become violent. They vibrate aggressively like when the baby sees the monster in the video game "Among the Sleep".

At this point, I kept screaming "Mother! Mother!" but no one came. Eventually, I managed to wake up for real and I realized I don't have a relationship with my mother anymore. I realized I'm alone, always, and I had to deal with these nightmares on my own.

Funny how the black clouds make the perfect metaphor for what I've been going through for months. Attempting and failing to get out of this rut. Being pushed back and intimidated by a force I cannot control or even hold.

What a helpless pathetic fucking creature I am.

  • 3
    You're not pathetic, even if you may be helpless at the moment! Don't even think that, don't take from yourself what you wouldn't take from others!
    Try to get help, it doesn't have to be a therapist if you don't want - but talk to someone you trust about this. In person. Not to a stranger on the internet. Trust me, it helps.
    Make your time awake more interesting, seek new experiences - maybe you dream about those instead.
    Also, I've had good experiences with lucid dreaming, especially with sleep paralysis. Try to realize when you're in this state. Remember that nothing you can see or hear then can harm you. You're safe. You're just hallucinating (you're literally high on a hallucinogenic substance your body produces while you sleep - you'd be amazed, the brain is a drug factory that'd make Walther White look like a schoolboy ).
  • 1
    Maybe you caught a glimpse of the chaos in the unconscious, maybe you didn't.
    Don't take it as anything, just carry on with your life, try to find new experiences, volunteer to care for little children on the weekends or something, signup for French lessons, take a vacation (Your life doesn't depend on programming).

    Maybe you need to see that the world extends beyond your problems to make you feel better and get your muse again.
  • 2
    If everything is terrible, leave it behind.
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