I have fucked up almost every plan i thought of regarding my career. Just a whole lot shit scared

Midlife crisis?

@b2plane i don't even have a word for it. Before career start crises i guess

- Thought about leaving an addiction => already got weak against that thrice

- Thought I will be learning this and that and... 3-4techs/ data structures/ languages , made full plans, calendar schedules and yet started applying for internships the next day, got a few interviews the next

- made myself clear that i won't be going for startups right now, this is my semester of learning solo, yet am again interviewing at a start up

- tried to do some good habits and already fluctuating on most of them

I don't know why i can't sit at home and be peaceful that i am learning and not earning and that's okay.

Or work with a company in their office and be peaceful with the fact that i am earning but learning only a limited stuff and doing repeated work and that's okay.

One side of me is a dev who wants to start working asap, start earning and get hired as full time as early as possible.

But the other side of me wants to learn more , learn about other frameworks in my same domain, learn about other usecases like security, payments, virtual reality, hybrid app dev,gaming, ... Make notes of it, write blogs about it and whatnot

For eg, I don't know kotlin and that's a crime if you are an Android dev today. I can learn it in next 6 months on my own and hope to get hired with a good company in future.

But everyday i learn kotlin, i start loosing my routine and pace and confidence: waking up in afternoons, sleeping at 5 am , feeling that i did lesser than today, this should have been done by now, i should be doing other things and what not.

The other option is that i start working in a company that doesn't require kotlin much. Say they are a credit card company who want to just launch their product asap in java.
They onboard me with some material on their technologies , wants me to get it completed in next 5 hrs and move on to some other project.

Everything is so fast and not according to my plan of learning things sequentially. Its like i am becoming a master of using String (because my company wanted me to) but know jack shit about Arrays (because company doesn't need array for their project)

Don't be so hard on yourself. Just allow yourself to study those months, or take a job and accept the fact you will have less time to study - that's OK too. The most important is regularity and persistence. That's what make us reach our goals, sooner or later.

Go to sleep at 9-10 and get up 6-8 or some variation. Sleeping at 5am is hurting you.

You don't even have a career yet and already think that you are fucking it up? relax man, this is a prime example of being too hard on yourself.

I'll just leave this here...
https://quora.com/Why-does-Kotlin-s...

Be grateful you're a dev. I'm in a weird quasi dev role, 35, and can't even move into SWE because I don't have a CS background. It could be a lot worse than what you're describing.