Finally got an haircut after 5 months and went full two blade bald. Feels like and good. the only positive change in past 6 to 8 months.

I look more metal and brutal now. Though skinny af. The quarantine has destroyed my inner soul though.

Constant anxiety and agony. All I have been doing is working for 12 hours everyday including weekends and occasionally play CSGO in between. Started listening to music but still very less. A passion I used to live for, now a passion I forgot.

My seasonal depression got better but fear of losing a good opportunity has ingrained fear into me. I am constantly insecure and afraid of losing something I don't have in first place.

And now for past one week, I have this terrible toothache where I cannot even open my jaw to eat.

I have been constantly going downhill and trying to be more and more grateful because of fear of something worse happening and shit keeps happening.

I need to get rid of the fear and build up courage. I am not depressed or sad. I can function very well. I am just numb to everything around.

I function like a machine. Productive with no feelings or emotions.

Never have I have been able to relate to Welcome to the Machine by Pink Floyd.

I am just another dumb and rusted cog in the machine.

  • 4
    You're no rusty cog, mate, you're the shiniest one!
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    You clearly have no clue about what depression is. Emotional numbness is an early sign and one of the symptoms of MDD, THE depression. Some people can function even while having a bipolar disorder, you’re either one of that stronger group who can still function or your condition is just the very beginning of MDD.

    Seek help.
  • 4
  • 2
    @uyouthe Thanks for your concern mate. You are truly a kind person.

    Fortunately, I was in much worse mental state in past. I seeked help. I went for therapy.

    I recovered phenomenally. I am very much aware of my mental state. I still occasionally go for therapy like we go for yearly checkups to make sure things are good.

    I am more aware of myself than I was in past so it helps me stay psychologically healthy :)
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    @uyouthe Came here to say that. Numbness is one of the first signs of depression — and one that I’m in almost constantly.

    Definitely prudent to be wary of it.

    But I’m glad things have improved, and hope the trend continues!
  • 1
    @Root Thank you!

    My numbness is basically I am fed of same old routine lifestyle and just get bored very often.

    It's like I am kind of OCD crossed with Type A personality with constant urge to be productive and churn some output.

    If I am idle, I get bored and if the boredom persist with no tangible progress in career or life at large, I become numb for some time period until something good happens.

    Lately, I have achieved most of my side projects and working to take them to next level but right now stuck in middle of this stupid job and virus crisis which is kinda boring me out and I am numb.

    Appreciate the support guys. I get here the love and affection I need :)
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    @F1973 I’m the same way. If I’m not being productive, I feel like I’m wasting my time. And with small children, I have little to no time to do anything else. Work, cook, clean, teach/corral, work, cook, clean, corral, sleep, repeat. Ugh. 😣
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    >If I’m not being productive, I feel like I’m wasting my time.

    This. This mindset of constantly being competitive and trying to win the rat race through comparison which leads to total mental chaos.

    Most of my stress is self induced and has got very little to do with external circumstances.

    I have crossed the standard age of getting married so within a year or two I will have to settle down and my biggest fear is having me time, being productive enough to keep earning bread for the family, and giving time to wife and kids (if we plan to have any).
  • 2
    Take breaks. It’s very important and healthy. on weekends, don’t work and forget the worries and do something you love.
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    @scout yes. Slowly cultivating this habit and I am surprised to see how beneficial it is as I am more relax, stress-free and productive the following week.

    Thank you :)
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    @F1973 I also used to work during weekends whenever I could as the non productive times spent made me anxious. ... took me a long time to realise the need for complete breaks.
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    @F1973 @Root the thing with being productive 24/7 can be a _very_ bad coping mechanism.

    Taking a full break has led to some very bad moments in my life. I"d compare it to a test dummy driving a car with 300 km/h into a wall.

    But it's necessary. Numbness is a two bladed sword - you are still feeling things, but it's blanked out. When the feelings hit: It's bad TM.
  • 0
    @scout so you have been there.. I'll start practicing this more seriously now..

    @IntrusionCM you are scarily right. A sort of coping mechanism or trying to avoid something.
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    @F1973 I have. And life never gets sorted out, you’re never ready for a family or kids etc. never ready, so stop worrying and just take life one day at a time. Work hard, but take good breaks.
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    @scout on it capitan.

    This is exactly what I am doing. One day at a time.

    Just read a quote by Vladimir Lenin, "there are decades where nothing happens and there are days when decades happen".
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