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Dear Developers,
A. Please put your fucking functions in files with names related to the purpose of the functions.
B. Don't define your database management methods in your goddamn configuration file.
C. In addition, fucking document your shit at the top of the file if you refuse to abide by request A.
Someone is going to maintain or modify this code after you, and that person will have a hell of a time with it.
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500. fuck you