my most daring adventure of 24 yrs day -1/3 (this array goes -1,0,1,2,3)

read my previous 2 rants for context. tomorrow the journey is going to start. the organisers dont count that day (aka day 0 ) as its a bus travel night , but i would disagree since am sleeping away from home.
if i survive this i will probably add more comments on this thread about how i felt each day.

currently having the worst thoughts due to every constraint being a variable. have i packed enough? have i packed too much? will there be rain there? will there be sun ? will there be snow? am I prepared for the harsh weathers? its a mountain area and there have been heavy rain in my urban city, what if their is a cloud burst or landslide? am I prepared to run? am i prepared enough for the trek? will my cellphone die? what if my bus is captured by decoits in night? what if am travelling with kidnappers disguised as passengers/ organisers? will they cut my limbs or just ask for ransom? if they are not decoits, are they going to be lovey dovey couples interested in bursting condoms in mountains nd not helping a fella. WILL EVERYTHING GO OKAY? is this the last time am seeing my parents?

fuck fuck fucking fuckak fuck.

the only good thoughts am having is looking at the reels of organisers. theybhave smiling faces, beautiful mountains, people are dancing in buses and having fun in dormitories. can those be me? all i want is my mom to not get a heart attack from this trip.

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    as i recall, the lack of companionship has often pushed me to take risks and do solo trips like this. technically i have never been on a solo trip and this is also not a "solo" trip per se.

    in 2019, i went to chennai alone for 2 days for a conference it was me travelling via air for the first time. my only contact was 3 strangers from that city, who agreed to give me a a free tocket to conference if i agree to be a volunteer. my main expenses were hotel room and flight tickets , and it was a shit scary bit awesome experience.

    next i travelled 2 times to mumbai for workation : we were to work from head office and company booked hotels/travel . again an adventure to go at a remote location with nothing but office mates. went awesome as always.

    and now its this.

    i even recall a school camp where we stayed in school for 5 days. boys slept in common dorms while girls slept in theirs. again , it was scary but awesome.

    let's hope this adventure goes into the good memory bucket
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    day 0/3 with full day gone in anxiety, i was ice cold while taking the final bath before heading for the bus. but turns out, the main concern of the trip, i.e the people , WERE FINE 🥳🥳!!

    they were basically peope of 26-36 years of age I guess, mostly in couples but some travelling solo. my dad went to drop me, and one of the girl(who was with a bf) was wearing a hot outfit . i ignored her in front of my dad, but damn she cute <3

    when the introductions happenned and conversation started, those folks turned out to be even finer. most are from good backgrounds (doctors, HRs, tech, etc) amd seem to be very much in travelling . i liked everyone :D

    the captain made me sit with a 7-8 yrs older girl who was also travelling solo. i got to know her and she turns out to be a team lead in a reknowed company. maybe i can get some referrals lol

    just a minor issue : the seats of the bus are super uncomfortable and i wonder how i will be able to sleep in them
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    day 1/3 i am so over about this solo tripping. having many realisations:
    1. there is family travel and there is nomad travel
    2. there's so much depth to people
    3. people > place
    4. being an extrovert is a major skill when doijnd extrovery things
    5. am about to fall sick again

    before going into depth about my thoughts, here's a summary of people:
    1. there are 2 couples : 1 is a college going pair another is job life pair (4)
    2. there's a 30 something insurance sales lead girl who is a "pro" solo traveller(1)
    3. there's me (1)
    4. there's another SE solo travelling guy and a salessolo travelling guy in their 20s (2)
    5. there are 2 analysts girl travelling as friends together (2)
    6. there's trip coordinator , a lawyer and freelance travelling guide
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    we actually were 2 groups: 1 gojng to tirthan and another going to manali in the same bus. that group also had interesting people, one of them was a literal stoner hippie vibe guy

    also, the main route to valley was blocked by landslide, so we are running late by 12 hours. we have to take another local bus , then another minibus to reach the location

    so 1st people>place. i always thought that people mattered equally. i am not so sure anymore. i am surrounded by people and i feel super alone the couples are looking out after each others and doing cute stuff. the solo folks are doing ... un-family stuff. (yeah let's call it that. basically alcohol, smoke, weed etc).
    I don't mind, but they are bonding over this stuff and i get left out
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    this brings me to another point. not being a very witty and extroverty person is also causing me to get secluded. although i am trying my best to indulge in discussions : where they are from, their travel experiences, their life , etc. but somehow the discussionns goes to topics that am not much experienced at : love, sex, relationships, alcohol stories and weed stories.

    thus the another realisation : people have so much depth. i can understand about a person's financials and basic vibe by just asking a few techy questions . someone is a gym instructor in local gym ? he is earning less than inr 30k per month. a dj guy with stoner vibe? he is traveling on favors and blackouts
    but i was so wrong. in my current org as well as the people i met here, they are normal in their work lide, but aftwr that, they have a travel life, they have love life, sex life, stoner life! damn!
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    and finally nomad vs family travel. this trip has people who go out with one thing in mind : the destination . and nothing else. they are ready for vehicle breakdowns, travelling with unknown people, in unpredictable vehicles and lot of unknowns. they somehow don't get sick or feel safety issue.

    i have friends with which i take most trips and we also have unknowns , but person safety and comfort are very important . these are more wild and i am probably gonna fall sick again due to lots of dust and uncomfortable travel and stress.

    so overall i am probably done with solo travel/travel at all and need to work on finding somone to love and care about/get cared from
    a bunch of people with plans to have sex in waterfalls and threesome orgies probably won't care for a 24 yo guy trying to find solace
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    day 2/n A TOTAL 360° . I am loving the trip and every moment of it.

    today was a day full of gem of adventures. i got to do my first trek and it was an easy but a proper trek. the roads got slippery sometimes, sometimes the roads were just narrowest paths in bushes nd a straight valley of deaths in just the right. but at the end of it was a rewarding 360° point with strong gushing winds and a scary but thrilling view everywhere.

    everyone was nice, enjoying , dancing and talking/staying together. in night we played some indoor games, got to know each other and i got a peek in another depth angle of these people.

    (OR, THIS WHOLE BONDING THING WAS FAKE, everyone is bitching about each other on their back and about to get into fist fights on 1 single move and am too oblivious to understand. they might also be laughing at me for being over kiddish- non smoker, non alcoholic, no relationship, non hash brownie guy who must starts dancing on songs, but i will go with the former)
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    1 funny thing about our leader is that he is a powerhouse of charm and confidence. he speaks in a manner that you start feeling special and forgive his last day blunders. well that's good, coz otherwise he's an excellent team captain. i am also assuming that he's liking me as a good group member. coz he said that we all are very good people and he will remain in touch and make another trip in which will want us to come as same group : no new people. i am glad someone found my nature as civil enough to even say something like this.
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    apart from the good place experience, i am also feeling grateful that i have a "people face": whenever i am with someone, i make sure that they don't see me as a danger or try to get provoked even if am talking to their partner( unless they are totally nuts. i am yet to meet a nut like that) i am like water, i can mix in any group and I don't even have to compromise my principles. i have a vibe: i can dance to music without feeling ashamed, i can talk tech, finance, general stuff, I don't smoke/crack/drink (last one which i wanna do occasionally) and I can't sit in the room where people are smoking

    sad things are about my lack of confidence and somewhat the restraints that i feel for myself and from my family.
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    let's talk about confidence first. my roomie (awesome guy btw) told me about an experience where he made out with a random girl in club coz he had the confidence to approach her. i was so much in awe as this is something i fantasize. to tell someone what i really wanna say in direct, to do something i wanna do. my life is currently revolving around my parents and therefore everything i do, i fear that implications would end up coming on them and they will feel hurt.

    like let's say i like this girl from office. she's single, comfortable with me, matching my vibe and i could probably try to get into a relationship with her. i won't though. my mind will say :"if she didn't like you back, she will complain to company, they will fire you, then your parents will get to know, then they will feel hurt that i liked someone on my own and didn't waited for an arranged marriage" that's probably why i don't drink, like what if mom got to know?
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    even in this trip, we found some random strangers, who started walking with us during trek, one was a girl who had came single with friends, and was interested in knowing about us. i didn't talked much to her, but now as reflect, she was into me i guess! i could have got her number and who knows where this could have led. but i am now so much into my shell i don't even look at girls as potential mates!

    this is frustrating mindfuck whose solution is something that i don't know. my personal policy is honesty or a lie so true that it looks like a truth. to curb this stupid loop, i am not even trying to develop the relationship part of my conscious.
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    everyone wants a girl, i too want a girl but i don't initiate that process. i am too late for this shit. i watch porn, mastubate and then sleep. i am at relationship level 0 at 24. first 3-4 heartbreaks of anyone teaches them on how to choose the perfect girl or create an ideal relation. i can't have those coz i don't know how to deal with the parent situation and that's fucking killin me.
    (perhaps i should also add that apart from parents , i also don't know how to drive a vehicle, or continue a conversation with witty answers. but i have seen people with these traits too to get a girl)
    meanwhile, my roomie has an aura. he a typical player : bro drinks, smokes, make joints and end up with an 87 body count. dude is even making the girls of couples to melt, get high and share puffs thereby making the guys jelous . amazing dude man.. i wonder when my parents will be like his i guess. though i doubt , his satanic "aura" is a common knowledge in his family.

    being a single child is tough
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    day 3/n the fun and personal misery continued...

    the morning starts. we go on another adventures small hike. this time to a chilling river just near to our hotel. it was again fun, i bonded with a lot of guys and girls and everything was amazing. then we did a river rafting and i was again about to experience a moment of confidence opportunitythat i obviously missed. then we did paragliding, went back to busses and headed for home.
    day 4/n. i am back home with lots of memories and a total new faith on humanity ❤️

    so about that moment of opportunity. there was this girl in trip. somewhat cute, somewhat bold, somewhat high. she was with a friend, but i could feel her vibe to be very cool as she was talking and flirting with almost every guy. she was into tech so we connected on simple talks. she was into joints and weed, so she connected with other guys. nd she was very confident, so she would go hand in hand with anyone of us at any place at random
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    i liked talking to her. she was 6 years older than me i guess. during rafting there was a moment where we 2 were at one side , all alone and i was looking into her eyes as she was into me. i wanted to kiss her so bad, and i wanna either ask for it or go direct in. but my confidence and values stopped me so bad. i thought that if i even brought it up, it would mean a BT for me as well as her. i was the most harmless, quiet guy who didn't even flirted much. how could i do that. but everytime i close my eyes, that amazing lips come in front of me.

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