So I got an e-mail from a recruiter (a.k.a. recruiter spam) today looking for a candidate with four "essential skills" and my head almost exploded when I read what they were. I have regained my composure just enough to be able to write this rant, but I'm still not myself. I recommend sitting down for this. Are you ready?

The four "essential skills" were:
Java, Jenkins, Eclipse, IntelliJ

I don't know where to begin. Motherfucker, where do you get off telling me which IDE to use? Oh wait, you didn't, you expected me to be an "expert" with two completely different ones, you numb nuts. Why the fuck would I be? I swear to fuck these idiots would probably screen out the best programmer in the world because s/he uses VI/emacs/Atom/Sublime/fucking-Notepad.

I can hear them saying "oh, you don't know IntelliJ? Sorry, we need an expert in that."

Fuck off you filthy cunt! No, sorry, I take that back, I shouldn't be mean to the mentally disabled.

Also, Jenkins? Really? Any developer can pick up how to use Jenkins to its full effect in a matter of hours, or a couple of days at most.

Why do companies hire these jackasses to do a job as important as recruitment? Why do they write job specs that are so incredibly stupid? I almost replied to express interest so I could go to the interview and throw a bucket of red paint on them (because they're making me bleed inside).

Where's the Tylenol?

  • 7
    Are we also ignoring that the essential skills have nothing to do with coding methodology, valuable character traits, or anything implying being able to come into work workout going on a murder spree and dumping the coffee on the carpet every day?
  • 7
    I sat down in the train as you recommended. Sadly the train crashed when I read this.
  • 4
  • 2
    Recruiters look for what their clients ask them to, so the client is probably clueless about what skills they need. Which means to probably skip this employer.

    I don't expect recruiters to know technologies unless they specialise in tech recruiting. They recruit all kinds of professions, cut them some slack probably?

    Just spam every conceivable software/language/tech in your Linked In, maybe there is going to be a match :D It's terrible, but that's the recruiter nightmare we live in.
  • 1
    At my internship I spend a few points per sprint working with dev ops to improve Jenkins builds and evaluate various Idea and Eclipse plugins. I spend most my my time though on Jira closing tickets assigned to me where I had to write some Java. So for an internship, these requirements wouldn't be too weird but for a senior dev, I'd agree those requirements don't seem ideal.
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