WHY DOES EVERYTHING BREAK WHEN I WANT TO DEPLOY?

Finally fixed the last few bugs on my project and the thing is pretty much set to go. Then both the production and my local copy (identical in every way except for connecting to different MySQL servers) have the EXACT same query issues. The cursor fetch methods ALL get nothing EVEN WHEN I CAN SEE THE CURSOR HAS THE DATA I REQUESTED in the debugger.

I'm already in hot water for taking longer than expected with this project and this is going to push it back even further.