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So I ve been clinically depressed for about 10 years now. Been really great at hiding it. My illness and loneliness was so severe that i made up imaginary friends and that got so severe i couldn't tell what s real and what s not. Then about 5 years ago, i met a girl. As the cliche goes, everything felt better. Sunshine and stuff. I opened up to her. Shared stuff. I started becoming normal. The pain became bearable and manageable. Turned to entrepreneurship. Had goals and stuff. Had 7 failed startups but kept on going. Raised investment for an 8th. It went better than anyother. Was going to become the next big thing bla bla. She became the reason i turned from being a loner weirdo to someone awesome. Anyway, as nothing tends to last, my best friend who had been through thick and thin in my work, quit last year in October. He messed up some work from big client nd we had a fight. He left. In the meantime i scored a big multinational company. I was gonna propose to my girlfriend in March this year. But instead she decided to leave for someone better who left her in 3 weeks lol. Anyways, we broke up. During that time, my second friend decided to fuck up my work with the big company so hard that they were about to blacklist my company. And then he left too. I had a small team. 4 5 people doing their best. By that time, i was the only one left. On 28th feb i had my breakup, on 1st march i was sitting 700 km away from home in an office trying to talk the company out of blacklisting us. It took me around 20 days to make that happen. All the while dealing with the obvious, my depression getting stronger than ever. My imaginations taking shape and fucking up my reality. The voices in my head getting stronget and stronger. 4 months now since she left. I dont think i miss her anymore. She tried coming back once but i didn't let her. In the 4 months, i m at my worst. I am getting government contracts now. But i have no desire to do anything. The pain is unbearable. So much that on its good days it sucks the life right out of me. So much that when it gets severe the urge to harm myself in any way goes of the charts. My best friend and i, we became friends again after my ex left. He s been helping me as much as he can. I have all the good oppurtunities and chances that any entrepreneur who has been busting his ass for 5 years straight would kill to have. But i cant do anything. I m the only one left on my team. I have to handle the business, dev, marketing etc etc ends on my own. I tried hiring and scaling up but i messed that up because of obvious reasons. And now my company has 2 months of runway left. And i know if i bust my ass i can make it to 8 months more and even raise a round a. But its really hard to do when either you re sleeping 20 hrs a day or you re sleeping 3 4 hrs because you re afraid of the nightmares. Or when even you ve had a good day, the pain becomes so much that you lay on the floor having a breakdown. Yeah, i m trying professional help. I m hoping it helps me. Because right now, i dont care about being happy. I just want my sanity. Something i m clinging to with every fiber of my being. Something that s burning out like a candle burning from both ends. I cant give up my work. I dont want to. That s all i have. That s all what i love doing and now i cant even do that. I just want this to end somehow. Either i get better and the pain and the void and silence and everything else goes away, or i do. I dont know what will happen first. And i dont care. I just want to be normal. But i guess that s too much to ask.

Comments
  • 7
    I can't even begin to think of a way to get you out of here... I think you'd need some long vacations. Like, one or two years. Doing nothing but things you'd enjoy. Stay strong man.
  • 2
    https://goo.gl/kmJpqU
    Tim Ferriss and The 4-Hour Workweek
  • 5
    @Hu-bot0x58 i cant. Its too late for that. I 've thought about that a lot and gone over it a lot of times. This wasn't the first time she did something like that. And it nearly killed me. I cant trust her anymore. I m just gonna torture myself even more if i asked her back...
  • 1
    @Drillan767 thanks, i m trying my best. And yeah i ve been told that. And i tried the vacation plan. Didnt work out for longer than 15 days lol.
  • 1
    @S-Homles @someDude I get you guys. On a smaller level though. I have had 2 hart beaks in 2 years. I am going completely crazy because of family, people pressuring me, and my lack of self confidence at times.
    I am trying to go with @S-Homles method. Bearing the pain as a challenge because if i can bear this i will have grown a lot. I need to bear it.
  • 3
    Hey man, it may seem counterintuitive and harsh, but let go. Completely let go of everything. Not just let go, but accept it. Here's my 2 cents based off what I have read. Because of the trauma and all the pain you have faced with yourself, you work to stay away from it (all occurring subconsciously. the nightmares and stuff are manifestations of this). You've put so much effort into work but have had it fail and it has gotten to you. It may seem impossible at first but you must let go of this. Naturally the more effort we put into something, the harder it is to let go of it, but that's what you must do. You need to get comfortable with you, yourself. Don't be scared of yourself. Its okay to be alone. It's okay to literally have nothing but your body and mind. It may seem like you need more and more stuff to get what you want, but in reality you need to take away. Get the fundamentals down. Good health, being fit, stable mental state. It may seem like a lot, i was the same (recovring)
  • 1
    this is so me...
  • 0
    Get a Rubber Duck, maybe it can help you in reliving your pain.🐥

    I think we need to start a discord group, I m also like you and many of here have been through the same, maybe a lil talk can relieve pain of many.

    Also read a good book it can also help you to achieve the same.
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