Last day of vacation, decided to check my work email.... The list of things they've broken is.... terrifying, I don't want to go back... ever...

The first rule of IT says that you should never check your work email while on vacation. You can check it only after you've returned to your workplace. It won't change the amount of broken things, but at least you will fix those with help from your coworkers (read as: they will hold you if you try to run) ;)

As @tnnn said + never repeat this again...

Think positive - you are really needed 😀