This is my first post. I felt like if I'm wrote this I'll just be a big fat crybaby, but i need to release this pressure from me.

I've been pretty burnt out past 6 month.

So a little bit backstory here, I've come from broken family, and currently on my 7th semester of college. But I've been part of small startup as mobile apps developer for a year and a half now.

6 month ago, it just a year of recovery from a toxic relationship that basically ruins my college life. I have really bad GPA (bad score for being absent from classes), basically no friends, and a barely passable (or even bad) skill in Android Dev. Then I got new girlfriend that really supportive for me. But after 2 months, her parents ask me if I would marry her or not. because if not, I have to broke up with her (We're in Indonesia and both of us is Muslim, so outside marriage relationship is kinda in "grey area" depend on who you ask). So I have to choose to marry her or not, and I choose the marriage. I think I have enough saving and just enough income to support both of us.

Then it's been a downward spiral from there.

The startup that I've been working on were in a pretty bad shape. I've been underpaid since the beginning (and that's not really a problem for me at that time, that's my choice and I blame no one) but abysmal growth and some miss management force us to scale back and makes me basically in a non-paying jobs.

So I take college break for a semester and been trying to find projects here and there for marriage savings, but because the weak employee protection here, lots of the projects I have completed have yet to pay the fee (even until today). And even if they paid me, most of it were really low paying jobs (we're talking $200 per 3 weeks project here, to be fair, for our average GDP, it's not bottom-low).

And the deadline is approaching, our marriage date is settled in (very) early January 2019, and i've been in this "not yet graduated but needs job" limbo. Most of employer here still has the old "Degree Based" Job specs, and not "Skill Based" one. so because de-jure I've still a "College Student" no Job listing is willing to take me in. I've apply to almost 30 Job Listing and just get interview once, and still failed because I can't move to the company area, too far and have too expensive living cost vs the salary ($300 living cost vs $450 salary, while i need to give money to my girlfriend back home for a living).

So I switch my direction to Competitions with Extra Job offering as a Bonus, and I've been pretty close to winning one, held by CIMB Bank, but still failed. It's little bit better now because CIMB came interested with me but there is red flag which I need to graduate with decent GPA before July 2019, and in current GPA? it's practically impossible.

Can it getting worse? oh it can. Remember I come from broken home family? it's inherently hard to keeps communication with both of my parents that to this day still despise each other. And while my mother is still supportive to my marriage, my father isn't. He even basically disowned me last week because my one-sided decision to marry my girlfriend, and blame my mother for being the "bad influence" for me.

And now, today, December 16th, and I'm still in this weird Limbo and have nowhere to go. with $0 in my pocket (have spent all of my savings for marriage preparation) And our marriage is approaching. I almost given up.

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    @irene well it's not that bad of an idea when cultural context is involved. it's pretty common here for high-school age marriage and married college student.

    when you ask me is it what I want? Yes... at the time i made the decision. I really want to settle with someone ASAP, and this is like a perfect chance "at that time (again)". my mother said to deal with the marriage preparation with her saving, and I need no worry about it. And my girlfriend parent said that I don't really need to support her until her graduate (she's still in her 5th semester today). But then around the time our startup collapse, my mother's house were hit by storm and need renovation ASAP. so there goes her saving.
    And in the end my girlfriend is felt pressure from her peers if both of us still depending ourselves with parent's money. so she encourage me to have income, even how small it is.
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    Wish you the best. I support both of your parents' behavior, because it is pretty normal.

    It is highly unfortunate your startup is seeing a downward trend and the floods hit your area.

    Be strong and hold your head high. The best is yet to happen. All the best
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    @irene I never state that it is a good decision. It is not a good decision. And the reasons why I choose that choice is not hold anything right now. You're very correct. And I've come to regret it by now. But this is not a plug that can be pulled back. once the date is set, then it's done. It's really bad for myself and (what's left in) my family to pull back right now.

    But on the other hand, I also sort of don't want to pull back either, sees how I really want to settle with my girlfriend, and sees how happy my girlfriend with my decision. it's irrational, and bad, but really I can't. *haha
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    @irene thank you for listening to my rant and really good advice. And I'm sorry for being stubborn!
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    @asgs thanks!!!
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    Good luck bro. I Hope it gets better for you <3
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    bro why would you look for a girlfriend in the first place if you are not even mentally and financially stable?

    or should i ask, how the fuck are you able to get a gf in that state and i am not?!

    fck this life
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    There's no shame in working a public service or manual labor job for a while to save up for what you need now, and waiting to finish college until you're in a slightly better place mentally and financially. Last resort though!

    And don't wait too long or have children before you get a job that pays well - you'll never get out if you do.
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    Oh and @SukMikeHok, I know you don't want to hear this, but I would guess (based on this post vs your many posts and comments) that it's because this man is a lot more humble than you tend to be.
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    @svgPhoenix what the fck does that have to do with having a gf? women want abundance and i have no abundance to offer. you can never have abundance if you are humble and awkward
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    @SukMikeHok I'm not going to give you relationship advice. If you want that, go find someone who knows what they're talking about. Just giving my 2¢ on your attitude.

    Oh and for fuck sake type the damned u in fuck. It bothers the shit out of me.
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    @svgPhoenix and that's exactly what I do. you know Go-Jek right? a unicorn startup in Indonesia. I become the driver lol (well I hope someday i could be part of them as developer tho :p). it's been a week since then. but with more stuffs that i need to do, this feels like a even more stressful time. I don't want to stays like this tho. I hope I don't stuck as driver, and soon could focus back as developer, as soon as I can.
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    @SukMikeHok bad decision comes from bad mental health i guess? ><
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    @SukMikeHok or should i ask, how the fuck are you able to get a gf in that state and i am not?!

    Go... Outside? I go outside once and see what I've become :p JK
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    @svgPhoenix yup, nothing beats Hard work. thanks!!
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    @svgPhoenix not my fault cause i got bigger ambitions compared to most people

    @muhwyndham not going out could possibly be the reason but i don't use any social media account anyways so that mostly makes them go away
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    @rantsauce thanks! i hope.
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    did you check for remote jobs? they don't require your degree and the rates are better. check remoteok.io
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    @cephei I want to but just don't know where to start. btw thanks a lot for your suggestion! i don't know about remoteok.io!
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    @Hubot-0x58 well I can't deny that she's special and yes, I don't wanna lose her right now. Thank you for your suggestion. I've done it before once but the suggested solution is (just like what I comment on somewhere in this rant) to not worries about her needs. But my girlfriend still insisted me (and herself, but I just couldn't let her work while in college, i want her to finish her bachelor degree flawlessly) to have at least some self sustained income. But then I guess i need to do it again, to try if they had some change of mind. thanks!
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    @SukMikeHok Social media? real girl not date in Facebook, they date at cafe!! XP
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    Your GF not earning?
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