8
uyouthe
12d

I can’t control my thoughts.

When someone says “wrap your head around” something, I imagine it. It happens every time.

It’s always 50/50. The one times the head of the person inside my head turns into a play-doh kind of sausage that wraps around a random object, usually a cube, and his face looks confused. It’s hard to separate his head from his neck and it terrifies me.

The other times the head appears extremely solid and has an overall round shape, then I subconsciously try to forcefully wrap it around that object but it doesn’t work and that person screams. It terrifies me even more.

Thoughts like this haunt me through my life. I hate it but I also somehow feel like I’ll miss it if they’re gone and at the same time I can’t decide whether it’s like a Stockholm syndrome towards that terrifying thoughts that are somehow both so personal yet so alien, or just my intuition lies to me again. Both of those possible reasons scare me even more.

My intuition is very valuable to me, I value it the same as I value the freedom of thought – above everything else. Those situations compromise both. Intuition is a major decision-making instrument to me, so terrible things will happen if I couldn’t trust it.

I don’t know what exactly I did wrong to become like this and I can’t remember when it all started

Comments
  • 3
    I relate to this, the moment I saw 'wrap your head around' I literally imagined the same thing that you explained.
  • 2
    Me too. And I cherish it. It's comforting.
  • 1
    Do you also imagine your head breaking apart from the middle of the back of your head, hearing your skull crack, flesh and brain tearing apart until your head forms a straight line only to wrap around that "something" like a curling caterpillar, consume the thing, and go back into place?

    You hear your brain make squishing sounds, the smell and sound of digestion, and then you let out a big burp. Now you have mastered the thing.
  • 2
    @rutee07 nah, I’m immune to type 2 fear of King's “scare-ology”. Type 3 is what scares me the most – coming home and realizing that everything was replaced by its exact copy.
  • 0
    Pretty awesome and cool.
  • 0
    @kilsieni congrats on your first comment, welcome to devrant!

    This is NOT awesome in any way. Cool? Maybe. I just wrote article about Pragmatic Beauty where I cover the topic of what beauty is, and from the appreciators’ of dissonant art point of view it maybe is cool. But it doesn’t seem cool to me.
  • 0
    reads like a thriller novel excerpt about a tormented protagonist++

    Just have some weed and fully embrace the absurdity and creativity of your thoughts, ma man!
  • 2
    Try using LSD to enjoy the maximum potential of that wonderfully associative brain of yours.

    Before you know it, you'll be asking coworkers if they would let you spread cream cheese and salmon on their face, and whether they can wrap their heads around that, during lunch. No, Pauline, please let me explain, I didn't mean it sexually, I just want to taste your face because it kinda looks like a corn tortilla... Also, check this, when I pour my coke on the floor it makes a really funny sound as it is absorbed into the porous concrete floor! Come lay next to me on the floor Pauline, you simply have to drag your fingers through the bubbling soda! DO YOU FEEL HOW SOFT CONCRETE IS? Do you feeeel how it is breathing? I never realized how alive concrete feels... DO YOU THINK THE MOLECULES FROM MY BONES COULD END UP IN SKYSCRAPER AFTER I DIE? I think I'd LOVE that... will you pour coke on me when I have dissolved back into the universe, Pauline?"

    https://devrant.com/rants/1747430
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