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@sheriffderek architecture, graphic design, fine art (suprematism, constructivism, utilitarism vs fundamental beauty, especially Le Corbusier)
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@kiki it sounds like there is more than one thing happening here. But maybe the guilt stuff is the first thing to tackle. I suggest you read “happy money.”
Maybe you can replace ‘buying something’ with going to a bookstore or a museum or a garden.
The chemical reactions are real!
Maybe you can train yourself to see an hour in the park reading as the same reward as “collecting” or buying things that you don’t really want.
If the programming churn is getting you down/ then maybe teaching would be fun. You could help people and get some socializing in. Then you can focus on concepts and not all the upkeep. -
@sheriffderek I’ve been a C#/Unity teacher at some point
My consuming cycle:
1. An urge to buy a new shiny thing. No peace of mind if I refuse to buy it. My brain starts to generate sentences like "Treat yourself", "Why are you even living if you can't buy what you want", etc.
2. Acquisition. Immense guilt about the money spent. My brain somehow classifies any non-electronic thing that costs more than $30 as "ridiculously expensive", no matter how much money I make, no matter my reserves.
3. A short period of... no, not peace of mind. It's just an absence of that urge. I can't quite call it "peace".
4. goto 1
Hyperconsumerism is hell. I don't want my life to be ridden by guilt. I want to break that cycle, but when I try, it's just me asking that blaming questions to myself.
Somehow I probably got an answer. I should make my everyday thought process and patterns independent of buying stuff. Money shouldn't define what I do and what I think about.
Everything I need with an exception of medicines is both factually cheap and perceived as cheap, and I don't feel guilty about buying medicines.
What should I aim my thought process to? I'm tired of programming, because it provokes an entirely different kind of guilt, the guilt of "you shouldn't be resting, go write that article, go study that new web shit, go build that another open source thing (that nobody cares about)".
Art makes me a bit happier though. I studied 20th century progressive art a bit, and appreciating the ideas behind certain pieces of design, architecture and fine arts make me feel superior than other people, and also superior than my past self. I don't know if it's healthy or not, I'm just being honest now.
I think I need more art in my life. For now, I'm fine with knowing that I'll probably never create a real piece of art (aside from programming), so at least I can consume art instead of buying worthless shit that doesn't make me happy anyway.
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