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1. I join a company.

2. I get deeply involved in "how to run the company", and get nice compliments from both coworkers & management about my skills in conveying startup/scaleup advice & necessities to upper management.

3. With my ego inflated through all the sweet talk, I think "ah, what the hell, let's do this again", and I accept a Lead/CTO promotion. I have to join board meetings, write reports on quarterly plans and progress.

4. I get unhappy/stressed/burned-out because I really just want to be a developer, not a manager/executive.

5. Upper management understands, I give up my lead position, lock myself back into my coding cave.

6. I get annoyed because the requirements I receive become more and more disconnected from reality, half of the teams seem to have decided to stop using agile/scrum, the testing pipeline breaks all the time, I get an updated labor contract from HR by mail which smells like charred flesh, etc

7. The annoyances become too much to do ANY work. I yell at the other devs outside of the entrance of my cave. There is no answer, only a few painful moans and sighs.

8. I emerge from my cave. The city has turned into a desolate wasteland. The office is a burning ruin, the air sharp and heavy with black soot. Disemboweled corpses of developers litter the poisoned soil.

Product Managers dressed in stained ripped suits scream at each other while they try to reinforce concrete barricades with scotch tape and post-its. *THUMP* Something enormous is trying to break through. "Thank God, bittersweet, you're still alive! The stakeholders! They have mutated! We couldn't meet the promised deadlines! We've lost the whole mobile app department, and that kid there is the last of the backenders and he's only an intern! You're here to save us, right? RIGHT?".

In the corner, between the overflowing coffee machine and a withered cactus, a young boy has collapsed onto the floor. His face is covered in moldy coffee grounds, clasping on to his closed macbook for dear life, wide-open eyes staring into the void, mumbling: "didn't backup the database, and It's all gone" over and over.

A severely dented black Tesla with a dragging loose bumper breaks through the dried up vertical herb garden and the smoothiebar, and comes to a halt against the beanbags in a big cloud of styrofoam balls.

The CEO limps out, leaking blood all over the upholstery. He yells to the COO: "The datacenter is completely flooded with sewage! I saved the backup tapes though", holding a large nest of tangled black magnetic tape mixed with clumps of mud above his head.

9. I collect my outstanding salary and sell any rewarded options/shares for a low dumping price, take a 5 month holiday, and ask a recruiter about opportunities in a different city.

Comments
  • 19
    *golf clap*. I’d buy that book…at least the kindle version.
  • 9
    Dude. Book. Now.

    And stay away from startups i guess :-p
  • 4
    this was beautiful. thank you.
  • 2
    I love it
  • 4
    This brought back memories from a previous gig of mine. The only difference is I didn't ask to be in that position.

    Joined as an SE and got promoted to a position where I had to constantly interact with clients. And whenever I wanted a capable hand to handle an issue in production all I had were interns and recruits. So most of the time I ended up working off-hours, spending my day on Redbull and nights on beer. Finally, I realized that If I continue, I'd probably end up a zombie or something. So decided to leave and I'm happy about that.
  • 7
    You sure that wasn’t a dream? “Upper management understands” feels unreal to me.
  • 4
    That was ______sweet
  • 4
    Just another day at the office?
  • 1
    Sounds you have a massive ego tbh
  • 4
    Book and/or comics! Now!
    If you'll seriously hit a wall in dev life, seriously consider writing. At least as a (part time) hobby. Your rants are superb! This one alone could be a short novel or a comic strip.
    I already imagine a Hollywood movie which begins with an ordinary career choice and then scene changes into apocalypse... Main character played by Ryan Reynolds?
  • 2
    Well. I’m joining a company where I’m taking on a lead role… sure hope is does not end up like this!
  • 3
    ShakeSPear
  • 2
    The most epic rant since devrant's inception. Well done Sir, well done.
  • 1
    Exactly. Don't change who you are, let them to themselves
  • 0
    I feel you. maybe you should consider writing more novels, less code. :D
  • 0
    @oidbio Salary for writers vs salary for engineers... 😂
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