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@Ranchonyx is life worth anything though? On a grander cosmic scale blah blah blah…
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@Demolishun yes, and it also works for MDD
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@kiki Thank you.
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@kiki, There are less extreme alternatives. You can give up the sense of self, just for a while.
Without getting all religious here, yogi see the sense of self (or rather, ego) in people as the difference they will themselves into making in the persistent world (the samsara).
But people can choose not to.
You can immerse yourself in routine and silence and "be like an wave in a beach" or "feel like the air you breathe in is the same you breathe out". It works better in a quiet dedicated space (yes, I'm describing a monk's life).
It is not like in the movies, monks are basically peasants who talk very little and do not use modern farm equipment. It is a very boring, repetitive and quiet life.
Thus, a life where your "self" is rather very quiet and nearly absent.
You talk about the pain, but not in the physical sense. It is a pain in the higher brain functions, and it can be let to rest and heal with time. It did wonders for a person close to me who struggled with grief.
The life of a normal person is like waking up every day with a zero on the scale of suffering. You did something good — here are -20 points to that scale. Something bad happened — well, here are +10 points. Being a bipolar person, my life is like beginning every day with +500 suffer points. Every day is a devastating uphill battle to just break even.
Why live then?
You can't win. If you have a healthy sleep schedule, do sports and eat healthy, it's still +500 every day. One mistake like fucking up your sleep schedule — boom, you now start at +700.
In Japan, a new breakthrough in psychiatry is happening as they were able to tie bipolar disorder to a HHV6 herpesvirus messing up the operation of Parkinje cells in human brain, unreachable to the immune system because of blood-brain barrier. A nasal spray treatment is proposed. If successful, bipolar disorder could be cured forever.
Until an actual nasal spray is released, I decided to wait because it's a huge bummer killing myself only some three years before this breakthrough.
But if their experiments will never come to fruition and my conventional therapy will not be successful, I will kill myself.
I don't want to live like this.
rant