13
Floydimus
59d

For all my friends here who have known me for years can easily notice there has been a drastic change in me.

I used to be confident. That shit was hollow but I used to laugh in the face of fear. I was ignorant and that ignorance fueled a lot of the much needed confidence.

Over the years, I learned a lot. The more I know, the more I realised how much I don't know. And for all that I know, I have to use the brain power to retain and implement it, else it rusts.

This image is of my 2021 goals that I drafted last December. Wasn't able to achieve the first, the last and the art one. But surely got myself surrounded by some of the smartest people I have ever worked with.

Now they have rightly said, be careful with what you wish for.

MY CONFIDENCE IS SHATTERED.

I feel dumb. Constant imposter syndrome. While I am learning every moment and there is no measure to it, I feel incompetent to an extent that I have started questioning how did I even reach this far?!

While, yet again I am the youngest in my team, my manager is bit micromanaging and agressive with OKRs/KPIs and tech team isn't very supportive creating constant friction (something I never faced with developers in my life because devs are my best friends), I fear how much more time will I take to ramp up in this new job and feel confident enough to tackle things on my own without constant nudge from leadership or different teams?

Or is it just that I have burnt out firefighting and lost the motivation I had?

After all, what does this all even mean?

Comments
  • 3
    Onw thing @soliderofcode taught me is to not be hard on myself so now on I am taking things slowly and going with the flow doing the best I can.

    Also, need to cut off my Reddit addiction and focus on job instead of scrolling mindlessly.

    The reason, I am active on Reddit is I participate actively in many communities that help me learn and grow. I also ask queries and seek support a lot from the community for a lot of things. Memes take up just 1% of time I spend there. Time restrictive apps don't work on me.
  • 2
    @Floydimus "I am active on Reddit" nobody is perfect. We can overlook this...maybe...
  • 1
    @Demolishun yes. I have my flaws and I am just stating them here to accept them and I use Reddit mostly for important stuff.
  • 1
    @Floydimus I wade through reddit for video games and video game development. The important "stuff".
  • 3
    my 2 cents, it's easier said than done. But work for challenges not for the others. Use this time to be vulnerable, you might feel bad about a lot situations but the thing is when this time passes we get more confident that hey, I have dealt with similar before and I was fine. You do things with more confidence.

    This all is temporary, I guess a lot of things going on in your life. It's completely okay to feel like this.
    And your manager's attitude towards you cannot define your potential. You manage yourself, take his job.:)
  • 2
    @Demolishun hah yes. We all have our important stuff.

    @true-dev001 you are wise.

    Liked the mindset and have been implementing some of it. Will implement rest of the idea too.

    Just thinking that how to do it in a capitalist corporate culture without getting fired 😂
  • 5
    Though I don't know you for many years, and have no idea what you're going through emotionally, I can tell you this, if there's something I've learned in my short 22 inexperienced years(so take with a grain of salt), is that confidence is entirely internal and based on your own mind. To add to that, confidence breeds confidence, to create a lot of confidence you need a little confidence, trust yourself until you trust yourself more. "The stupid are full of confidence while the wise are full of doubt" this is misleading, having confidence does not make you dumb, nor does becoming smart is what rids you of it. Both confidence and doubt are stupid alone. Confidence without basis is arrogance, and doubt without reason is paranoia. To be truly content with yourself you need to balance the two. Tap into your ego, it is there for a reason, contrary to society's preachings, feeling good about yourself and wanting to be in a better place is not a bad thing, moreover, it is necessary.
  • 3
    @SoldierOfCode that is some awesome wisdom
  • 3
    @Floydimus

    It’s rubbish having imposter syndrome but eventually you will become more comfortable being uncomfortable.
    That might take a long long time so try not to be hard on yourself.

    Being the youngest on your team shouldn’t matter. You should be treated as an equal.
    Maybe the culture of your company or team isn’t good.

    I’ve been in dev for 26 years and was at the point where I could run rings around the devs and architects in my previous company.
    I decided to move and it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster since then. Now I’m surrounded by people who know more than I do because the tooling is completely different. It’s impacted my confidence, so I get that the whole ‘surround yourself with smarter people’ thing is a double edged sword.

    But we will get through it and our commitment to self improvement will make us stand out from the devs just turn up for the pay check
  • 1
    @TrevorTheRat I agree. Just matter of time because we are here to learn and not just for pay check alone.

    And as the rat said, @SoldierOfCode you are very wise and that's a solid advice.

    Thank you so much everyone ❤️😊
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