What it's like to be a network engineer...translated into normal people speak

User: I think we are having a major road issue.

Me: What? No, I just checked, the roads are fine. I was actually just on the roads.

User: No, I’m pretty sure the roads are down because I’m not getting pizzas.

Me: Everything else on the roads is fine. What do you mean you aren’t getting pizzas?

User: I used to get pizzas when I ordered them, now I’m not getting them. It has to be a road issue.

Me: As I said, the roads are fine. Where are you getting pizzas from?

User: I’m not really sure. Can you check all places that deliver pizzas?

Me: No I don’t even know all the places that deliver pizza. You need to narrow it down.

User: I think it is Subway.

Me: Okay, I’ll check…No, I just looked and Subway doesn't deliver pizzas.

User: I’m pretty sure it is Subway. Can you just allow all food from Subway and we can see if pizza shows up?

Me: Sigh, fine I’ve allowed all food from Subway, but I don’t think that is the issue.

User: Yeah I’m still not getting pizza. Can you check the roads?

Me: It’s not the roads, the roads are fine. I’m pretty sure Subway isn’t the place.

User: Okay, I found it. It’s Papa Johns.

Me: Okay, I looked and Papa Johns does deliver pizza. Is it the local Papa Johns or one in a different town?

User: I don’t know. Can you allow pizza from all Papa Johns to me?

Me: No I can’t do that. Can you get me an address for Papa Johns?

User: No, I only know it as Papa Johns. Can you get me all the addresses of all Papa Johns and I’ll tell you if one of them is correct?

Me: No, I don’t have time for that. Okay, I looked at the local one and it looks like they have sent you pizza in the past and they are currently allowed to send you pizzas. Try ordering a pizza while I watch.

User: Yeah still no pizza. I’m guessing they are getting blocked at the freeway. Can you check the freeway to make sure they can get through?

Me: No, this is a local delivery. They aren't even using the freeway.

User: Okay, well then it has to be a road issue.

Me: No, the roads are fine. Okay, I just drove from the Papa Johns to the address they have on file for you and there is nothing there.

User: Hmm, wait we did move recently.

Me: Did you give your new address to Papa Johns?

User: No, I just thought they would be able to look me up by name.

Me: No they need your new address. What’s your new address?

User: I’m not really sure. Can you look it up?

Me: Sigh, give me a second…Okay, I found your address and gave it to Papa Johns. Try ordering a pizza now.


Me: Okay, good.

User: (To everyone else they know) I apologize for the delay in the pizza but there was a major road issue that was preventing the pizza from getting to me. The network engineer has fixed the roads and we are able to get pizza again.

Me: But it wasn’t the roads…whatever.

User: Oh, can you also check on an issue where Chinese food isn’t getting to me? I think it may be a road issue

  • 154
    You made me hungry and chuckle at the same time
  • 129
    You should also mention how it is of great importance to get the pizza right now or everything will fall apart
  • 59
    Choose one and try it on the user 😒
  • 22
    Fuck you.... There is no road issue.....😂
  • 41
    I was already mad half way through
  • 3
    This is great!
  • 9
    When people are hungry, they blame it on the road
  • 21
    Just like talking to a rock.
  • 1
    Awesome. Thanks for doing the effort
  • 8
    Reading this is sooo infuriating 😤
  • 3
    sounds about right
  • 13
    Makes me want to come up with something similar for those of us who are developers instead of engineers...
  • 12
    As a worker from a local ISP you make my day.
  • 3
    This is just gold
  • 20
    I am not getting enough +1s here. Definitely it's a road issue.
  • 0
    That's a lot of pizzas on the road!
  • 10
    Did you do a packet capture with TireShark?
  • 5
    @ghost1227 as a programmer, I found that speaking to the buggles in terms of literature stuff to describe what I'm doing ("I'm writing a book, made of chapters which tell this story about these characters"), usually does a decent job in delivering the message
  • 1
    Ixia products helps in this problems. Trust me.
  • 3
    I've just realised I always blame the roads too. I'll be more considerate in future.
  • 6
    This is so well written!
  • 7
    @Renze excellent rant. True rant of rants!
  • 1
    Truer words have never been spoken
  • 3
    That's one fucking fine rant, Sir!
  • 4
    I could hear their voices in my head as i read though... 😂😂
  • 0
    My 2 cents to you sir
  • 3
    Reminds me so much of this: https://youtu.be/uRGljemfwUE

    Basically just sounds like you rewrote the transcript, replacing "internet" with "freeway" and "website" with "pizza", lol.
  • 0
  • 0
    So then what happened?
  • 0
    Choose one and try it on the user.
  • 1
    This is the best rent ever
  • 2
    So just for the record: was this a road issue or nah? I have to admit I think was a road issue.
  • 1
    I am sorry that I can only give you one ++
  • 2
    @yfede haha the buggles? That's the best stupiduser name ever
  • 1
    I think this is the most accurate description of the job I've ever heard :'D showing this to all of the aunties if they ask what I do :D
  • 0
    This has made me hate User with a passion.
  • 0
    I want to say this rent is awesome, but apparently we millenials misuse that word so I'm just gonna say this is a great rent. Thanks for posting
  • 1
    I was a network engineer for 2 and half years. I can relate to this.
  • 0
    My knowledge on stuff is pretty terrible but I can narrow it down at least this much
  • 0
    oh this would trigger me!
  • 0
    Screams internally
  • 0
    Do that :d
  • 0
    Thank you! Cool!
  • 0
    Change his email sig to

  • 0
    Its what its
  • 1
    Oh, it sound nice!
  • -1
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  • 0
    Do that
  • 0
    Being a network engineer is like being the pizza delivery guy. https://devrant.com/rants/579422/...
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