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What it's like to be a network engineer...translated into normal people speak
User: I think we are having a major road issue.
Me: What? No, I just checked, the roads are fine. I was actually just on the roads.
User: No, I’m pretty sure the roads are down because I’m not getting pizzas.
Me: Everything else on the roads is fine. What do you mean you aren’t getting pizzas?
User: I used to get pizzas when I ordered them, now I’m not getting them. It has to be a road issue.
Me: As I said, the roads are fine. Where are you getting pizzas from?
User: I’m not really sure. Can you check all places that deliver pizzas?
Me: No I don’t even know all the places that deliver pizza. You need to narrow it down.
User: I think it is Subway.
Me: Okay, I’ll check…No, I just looked and Subway doesn't deliver pizzas.
User: I’m pretty sure it is Subway. Can you just allow all food from Subway and we can see if pizza shows up?
Me: Sigh, fine I’ve allowed all food from Subway, but I don’t think that is the issue.
User: Yeah I’m still not getting pizza. Can you check the roads?
Me: It’s not the roads, the roads are fine. I’m pretty sure Subway isn’t the place.
User: Okay, I found it. It’s Papa Johns.
Me: Okay, I looked and Papa Johns does deliver pizza. Is it the local Papa Johns or one in a different town?
User: I don’t know. Can you allow pizza from all Papa Johns to me?
Me: No I can’t do that. Can you get me an address for Papa Johns?
User: No, I only know it as Papa Johns. Can you get me all the addresses of all Papa Johns and I’ll tell you if one of them is correct?
Me: No, I don’t have time for that. Okay, I looked at the local one and it looks like they have sent you pizza in the past and they are currently allowed to send you pizzas. Try ordering a pizza while I watch.
User: Yeah still no pizza. I’m guessing they are getting blocked at the freeway. Can you check the freeway to make sure they can get through?
Me: No, this is a local delivery. They aren't even using the freeway.
User: Okay, well then it has to be a road issue.
Me: No, the roads are fine. Okay, I just drove from the Papa Johns to the address they have on file for you and there is nothing there.
User: Hmm, wait we did move recently.
Me: Did you give your new address to Papa Johns?
User: No, I just thought they would be able to look me up by name.
Me: No they need your new address. What’s your new address?
User: I’m not really sure. Can you look it up?
Me: Sigh, give me a second…Okay, I found your address and gave it to Papa Johns. Try ordering a pizza now.
User: HEY! PIZZA JUST SHOWED UP!
Me: Okay, good.
User: (To everyone else they know) I apologize for the delay in the pizza but there was a major road issue that was preventing the pizza from getting to me. The network engineer has fixed the roads and we are able to get pizza again.
Me: But it wasn’t the roads…whatever.
User: Oh, can you also check on an issue where Chinese food isn’t getting to me? I think it may be a road issue36 -
I went to Paris for my first interview (that was 1989) for a job of Unix kernel developer. All dressed up. I step out of the elevator and see a young punk with scruffy hair and different colour shoes. I reckon he must be the pizza delivery guy. I ask him "dude, can you please point me to the CEO's office for interview". He said "sure, follow me man, I'll show you". We arrive at a desk, he sat down in the big chair and looks at me with a big smile and says "Ok dude, here we are. I am the CEO. Now let's see how good you are!"
I got the job. And 26 years latet, last week, amazing coincidence: I met him again at a trade show in Paris ... with the same coloured shoes. How cool is that!!!
28 -
- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust
- OK! This is it
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
- But your cholesterol is not good
- How do you know?
- Through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network
- I bought more from another drugstore
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet,where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it has expired 5 weeks ago..39 -
Me: 1 is something, 0 is nothing, NULL is the absence of things
JuniorDev: wut
Me: You've got pizza in a box, that's 1. If there's no pizza in the box, that's 0. If there's no pizza and no box, that's NULL.
JuniorDev: OOH so there's no object to reference if I ask for a slice!
Me: *small tear*
Always explain things in terms of pizza. Always.22 -
Hey everyone,
First off, a Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates, happy holidays to everyone, and happy almost-new-year!
Tim and I are very happy with the year devRant has had, and thinking back, there are a lot of 2017 highlights to recap. Here are just a few of the ones that come to mind (this list is not exhaustive and I'm definitley forgetting stuff!):
- We introduced the devRant supporter program (devRant++)! (https://devrant.com/rants/638594/...). Thank you so much to everyone who has embraced devRant++! This program has helped us significantly and it's made it possible for us to mantain our current infrustructure and not have to cut down on servers/sacrifice app performance and stability.
- We added avatar pets (https://devrant.com/rants/455860/...)
- We finally got the domain devrant.com thanks to @wiardvanrij (https://devrant.com/rants/938509/...)
- The first international devRant meetup (Dutch) with organized by @linuxxx and was a huge success (https://devrant.com/rants/937319/... + https://devrant.com/rants/935713/...)
- We reached 50,000 downloads on Android (https://devrant.com/rants/728421/...)
- We introduced notif tabs (https://devrant.com/rants/1037456/...), which make it easy to filter your in-app notifications by type
- @AlexDeLarge became the first devRant user to hit 50,000++ (https://devrant.com/rants/885432/...), and @linuxxx became the first to hit 75,000++
- We made an April Fools joke that got a lot of people mad at us and hopefully got some laughs too (https://devrant.com/rants/506740/...)
- We launched devDucks!! (https://devducks.com)
- We got rid of the drawer menu in our mobile apps and switched to a tab layout
- We added the ability to subscribe to any user's rants (https://devrant.com/rants/538170/...)
- Introduced the post type selector (https://devrant.com/rants/850978/...) (which will be used for filtering - more details below)
- Started a bug/feature tracker GitHub repo (https://github.com/devRant/devRant)
- We did our first ever live stream (https://youtube.com/watch/...)
- Added an awesome all-black theme (devRant++) (https://devrant.com/rants/850978/...)
- We created an "active discussions" screen within the app so you can easily find rants with booming discussions!
- Thanks to the suggestion of many community members, we added "scroll to bottom" functionality to rants with long comment threads to make those rants more usable
- We improved our app stability and set our personal record for uptime, and we also cut request times in half with some database cluster upgrades
- Awesome new community projects: https://devrant.com/projects (more will be added to the list soon, sorry for the delay!)
- A new landing page for web (https://devrant.com), that was the first phase of our web overhaul coming soon (see below)
Even after all of this stuff, Tim and I both know there is a ton of work to do going forward and we want to continue to make devRant as good as it can be. We rely on your feedback to make that happen and we encourage everyone to keep submitting and discussing ideas in the bug/feature tracker (https://github.com/devRant/devRant).
We only have a little bit of the roadmap right now, but here's some things 2018 will bring:
- A brand new devRant web app: we've heard the feedback loud and clear. This is our top priority right now, and we're happy to say the completely redesigned/overhauled devRant web experience is almost done and will be released in early 2018. We think everyone will really like it.
- Functionality to filter rants by type: this feature was always planned since we introduced notif types, and it will soon be implemented. The notif type filter will allow you to select the types of rants you want to see for any of the sorting methods.
- App stability and usability: we want to dedicate a little time to making sure we don't forget to fix some long-standing bugs with our iOS/Android apps. This includes UI issues, push notification problems on Android, any many other small but annoying problems. We know the stability and usability of devRant is very important to the community, so it's important for us to give it the attention it deserves.
- Improved profiles/avatars: we can't reveal a ton here yet, but we've got some pretty cool ideas that we think everyone will enjoy.
- Private messaging: we think a PM system can add a lot to the app and make it much more intuitive to reach out to people privately. However, Tim and I believe in only launching carefully developed features, so rest assured that a lot of thought will be going into the system to maximize privacy, provide settings that make it easy to turn off, and provide security features that make it very difficult for abuse to take place. We're also open to any ideas here, so just let us know what you might be thinking.
There will be many more additions, but those are just a few we have in mind right now.
We've had a great year, and we really can't thank every member of the devRant community enough. We've always gotten amazingly positive feedback from the community, and we really do appreciate it. One of the most awesome things is when some compliments the kindness of the devRant community itself, which we hear a lot. It really is such a welcoming community and we love seeing devs of all kind and geographic locations welcomed with open arms.
2018 will be an important year for devRant as we continue to grow and we will need to continue the momentum. We think the ideas we have right now and the ones that will come from community feedback going forward will allow us to make this a big year and continue to improve the devRant community.
Thanks everyone, and thanks for your amazing contributions to the devRant community!
Looking forward to 2018,
- David and Tim
55 -
In 2014,. I sold 0.17 btc for $87. I bought pizza with that money. It was delicious. I regret nothing.15
-
This may be limited to Germany:
Apparently you can get free vouchers (from 2 to 5 euros in value) on the website "pizza.de".
There is a lottery kind of game right now on this URL: https://pizza.de/casino/
If you just open the developer console and run "win()", you "win" the game and can enter your phone number to get your voucher 🤔
What idiot programmed this?
What idiot reviewed this?
What idiot put this live?47 -
The moment an other team couldn't deliver for a deadline. CEO came to me, gave me 50 bucks told me to get a pizza and some hash and just work the night and deliver the damn app. So I did. Got a week holiday for free in return. One of the best guys I worked for.42
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Dutch DevRant meeting was awesome! Talked a lot, had quite some drinks, had pizza and just fun in general!
At least one selfie was required imo so here it is :). Of course, we had to include Devy ;).
Also overlooked a comment from someone wanting their face censored so took the old post down and hereby an edited version.
113 -
That time when I was wrong, the client was wrong, but my algorithm was right.
I'm proud of you son2 -
An open letter to the guy that commented on my website:
«Function X does not work. This program is shit. I am going to uninstall it and tell everyone.»
I'm sorry that my completely open source project didn't work for you. The fact that I lost countless days and months and years working on it in my free time, without ever asking for a cent, just trying to do something good for the community, doesn't give me the right to release a feature that may be buggy.
You could have opened a bug report. But that takes time. A whole 2 minutes. I understand the urge to post such a harsh public critic on my website. That's why I was so calm and understanding when I replied to you there.
However, it's a long time I wasn't browsing devRant and I confess I felt the urge to tell you to go fuck yourself. And this is the best place to do it! I'd pay to know you. I'd love to see your face. Oooh you must be so confident of yourself. I'm sure you have accomplished a lot in your life. So here's my message:
Go Fuck Yourself Asshole10 -
I tutor people who want to program, I don't ask anything for it, money wise, if they use my house as a learning space I may ask them to bring cookies or a pizza or something but on the whole I do it to help others learn who want to.
Now this in of itself is perfectly fine, I don't get financially screwed over or anything, but...
Fuck me if some students are horrendous!
To the best of my knowledge I've agreed to work with and help seven individuals, four female three male.
One male student never once began the study work and just repeatedly offered excuses and wanted to talk to me about how he'd screwed his life up. I mean that's unfortunate, but I'm not a people person, I don't really feel emotionally engaged with a relative stranger who quite openly admits they got addicted to porn and wasted two years furiously masturbating. Which is WAY more than I needed to know and made me more than a little uncomfortable. Ultimately lack of actually even starting the basic exercises I blocked him and stopped wasting my time.
The second dude I spoke to for exactly 48 hours before he wanted to smash my face in. Now, he was Indian (the geographical India not native American) and this is important, because he was a friend of a friend and I agreed to tutor however he was more interested in telling me how the Brits owed India reparations, which, being Scottish, I felt if anyone was owed reparations first, it's us, which he didn't take kindly too (something about the phrase "we've been fucked, longer and harder than you ever were and we don't demand reparations" didn't endear me any).
But again likewise, he wanted to talk about politics and proving he was a someone "I've been threatened in very real world ways, by some really bad people" didn't impress me, and I demonstrated my disinterest with "and I was set on fire once cos the college kids didn't like me".
He wouldn't practice, was constantly interested in bigging himself up, he was aggressive, confrontational and condescending, so I told him he was a dick, I wasn't interested in helping him and he can help himself. Last I heard he wasn't in the country anymore.
The third guy... Absolute waste of time... We were in the same computer science college class, I went to university and did more, he dossed around and a few years later went into design and found he wanted to program and got in touch. He completes the code schools courses and understandably doesn't quite know what to do next, so he asks a few questions and declares he wants to learn full stack web development. Quickly. I say it isn't easy especially if it's your first real project but if one is determined, it isn't impossible.
This guy was 30 and wanted to retire at 35 and so time was of the essence. I'm up for the challenge, and so because he only knows JavaScript (including prototypes, callbacks and events) I tell him about nodejs and explain that it's a little more tricky but it does mean he can learn all the basis without learning another language.
About six months of sporadic development where I send him exercises and quizzes to try, more often than not he'd answer with "I don't know" after me repeatedly saying "if you don't know, type the program out and study what it does then try to see why!".
The excuses became predicable, couldn't study, playing soccer, couldn't study watching bake off, couldn't study, couldn't study.
Eventually he buys a book on the mean stack and I agree to go through it chapter by chapter with him, and on one particular chapter where I'm trying to help him, he keeps interrupting with "so could I apply for this job?" "What about this job?" And it's getting frustrating cos I'm trying to hold my code and his in my head and come up with a real world analogy to explain a concept and he finally interrupts with "would your company take me on?"
I'm done.
"Do you want the honest unabridged truth?"
"Yes, I'd really like to know what I need to do!"
"You are learning JavaScript, and trying to also learn computer science techniques and terms all at the same time. Frankly, to the industry, you know nothing. A C developer with a PHD was interviewed and upon leaving the office was made a laughing stock of because he seemed to not know the difference between pass by value and pass by reference. You'd be laughed right out the building because as of right now, you know nothing. You don't. Now how you respond to this critique is your choice, you can either admit what I'm saying is true and put some fucking effort into studying cos I'm putting more effort into teaching than you are studying, or you can take what I'm saying as a full on attack, give up and think of me as the bad guy. Your choice, if you are ready to really study, you can text me in the morning for now I'm going to bed."
The next day I got a text "I was thinking about what you said and... I think I'm not going to bother with this full stack stuff it's just too hard, thought you should know."22 -
devComic #3 "The Pizza Paradox" adapted from a rant by @molynerd (https://devrant.com/rants/178708/)
10 -
I had to renew my I.D.
I went to my town offices but their software kept crashing without hope because I'm born on Feb 29.10 -
So my cousin approaches me with his Android phone and, with a worried tone, says:
- "But... is it true that if you enable the developer mode you can get arrested?"
- "What? No. Why?"
- "Because this screen says so. I once enabled them out of curiosity but then I couldn't disable it so I had to reset the phone."
Turns out that, in Italian, "arrest" is a synonym of "halt". The message says "these settings can cause the _arrest_ or malfunctioning of the device"
Couldn't stop laughing 😂
20 -
*Facebook Hackers follow the Rules*
(real story)
TL;DR: sorry, not available, can't do spoilers
One night I was with a group of friends out at a pub. A guy and his girlfriend show up, I didn't know them but they were my friend's friends.
The girl kept bragging the whole time about his boyfriend being a professional programmer, trying to remind it to everybody whenever possible (don't ask me why!).
So, after a while, the discussion moves towards "suspect Facebook activities" and the guy starts saying that he can hack Facebook.
- "What do you mean?", I ask.
- "Hacking into other people's accounts, even with 2 factor authentication. I did it a lot of times"
- "Wait, and they don't notice?"
- "Of course not! ^_^ He's a hacker", the girl replies.
Ok, time to do a coming out.
- "Hey, I'm a developer myself. Can you give me an idea of what you did in technical terms? Did you find a vulnerability? Used a virus? Maybe a keylogger?"
- "No... Uh... Well... The secret is to read the terms of service"
- "What?"
- "Yes... yes it's all in the facebook terms of service..."
- "Uhm, I'm not really sure I'm following. Could you prove it by hacking my Facebook account? I'm giving you the permission".
In less than a minute the discussion flew completely away and they never mentioned computers again.
😂😂9 -
*eating at the local pizza restaurant*
me to waitress: hey do u guys support Bitcoin?
waitress: Yes we do!
me: great! I'd like to pay.
*waitress passes over the bill*
*i open my wallet and pull out a physical Bitcoin*
*waitress stares really confused at my Bitcoin with the scanner device in her hand*
18 -
Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?
No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.
Did I dial the wrong number?
No sir, Google bought the pizza store.
Oh, alright - then I’d like to place an order please.
Okay sir, do you want the usual?
The usual? You know what my usual is?
According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.
Okay - that’s what I want this time too.
May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?
No, I hate vegetables.
But your cholesterol is not good.
How do you know?
Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.
But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.
I bought more from another drugstore.
It’s not showing on your credit card sir.
I paid in cash.
But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.
I have another source of cash.
This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.
WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me …
I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your passport … it expired 5 weeks ago.16 -
I miss my old ZenBook with Linux 😔
I mean, the MacBook is great, but it feels like I left my old simple gf who loved me for a Hollywood sexy bitch who doesn't give a fuck11 -
My only issue with Microsoft buying Github is that it's one more step towards full almighty power for the tech giants. Soon everything will be Microsoft, or Google, or Facebook. It'll be like in Demolition Man, where every restaurant is Taco Bell/Pizza Hut.9
-
making a command line app that automatically orders pizza after calculating the hungriness of the user by the time and number of atom errors.
no i am not kidding7 -
Okay, we all ranters love pizza, right?
TIL something that we should ALL keep in mind while buying pizza.
One 18 inch pizza has more pizza than two 12 inch pizzas.
if ((3.142*9*9) > (2*3.142*6*6)) {
return buyPizza(18inch, 1);
} else {
/* stop being an imbecile. This is dead code */
}18 -
We are pioneers.
We build software, an extremely complex concept that didn't exist just 70 years ago.
We learned to harness its complexity and bend it at our will. Just stop for a minute and think about what happens when you load a URL in your web browser. The whole process.
In all human history, nobody has ever been the protagonist in something so complex as software. Yet we know that all of this wouldn't exist without a community of developers, sharing code and knowledge over the same system that they have created.
_We are dwarves perched on the shoulders of our fellows_
That's why even if nobody understands our work, I still think this is the most beautiful job in the world.14 -
Is it just me or do others also think programmer jokes like "...converts caffeine and pizza into software" and similar to be fucking annoying?7
-
Last Friday, because of a stupid ass shitty engineer who constructed a footpath in the most shitty way I Sprained my ankle in one of the dents in it. But the story about this pizza picture is that my friend and I had planned a trek on a Saturday which obviously got cancelled. He saw how pissed I was he went online on Domino's website, changed input in a JSON file on one of Domino's wheel spinner which got me the maximum discount available there and I bought the pizza. He did that multiple times. Some Relief there. 🥂🍕
#Pizza_makes_everything_better
14 -
What the fuck, I just discovered that my father knows vi.
He's not a programmer.
Why, God, why I'm only able to use nano... What did I do wrong...14 -
There used to be a CLI utility for ordering dominoes pizza online, and I wrote a patch for it to have a .pizzarc and read entropy from standard in and randomize not only the size and contents of your pizza but how many of them you wanted to order in case you couldn’t make up your mind.
So you could do “dd if=/dev/urandom bs=1M count=1 | pizza -“ and it would look for your address in the configuration file and pizzas would show up but you never knew how many. This was more than ten years ago and I have since lost it.9 -
Finally done with being on call/standby so thought I'd order myself a pizza calzone 😍
I'm not saying that this thing is small but it's smaller than my hands.
I don't have very big hands 😭15 -
Fuck you. Really.
For buying a pizza for lunch, bringing it to the office and eating it at your desk.
I was just sitting here eating my lunch, but hey. I guess I have to go get a pizza now. Dammit.11 -
I know a guy, about 50 years old. He is a self-taught programmer since he was young, and he has always used Visual Basic (never anything newer than VB6).
He once needed to interface with a web application I wrote, so I asked him to send me a POST HTTP request. He didn't know what I was talking about. No notion of REST, sockets, HTTP, nothing.
The he showed me his code. Actually, his codes. He had multiple copies of the project, one for each version, and he even kept multiple variations of the software in different separate folders. He probably doesn't know what "version control" even means.
You think this is messy. You didn't see the actual code (it's a huge application!).
Spaghetti all over the place. Meaningful variable names, what are they? Default names for the controls, like button1, button2, etc, with forms with more than 30 buttons and text fields. This was the most incomprensibile code I have ever seen.
You might think that this guy is just a hobbyist.
No.
He sells his applications. To companies. They are obviously full of errors, but they buy them.
Now, if you're still with me, two questions come into my mind:
- why?? I hate this, because it's impossible to prove to a non-technical person that this is *not* software development.
- how do I know that, to someone else, I am not like him? How can I be sure that I know and will know what needs to be known?5 -
Opens Facebook
Sees ad: "this machine uses AI to make pizza bread".
Closes Facebook
Goes back to sleep1 -
Don't you love when you spend the whole night trying to find the cause of an elusive bug, then you give up, you go to sleep, and the next morning after only 30s of looking at the code you finally find it and fix it?3
-
I send a PR to your GitHub repo.
You close it without a word.
I tell you that your lib crashes because you're trying to parse JavaScript with a (bad) regex, but you keep insisting that no, there exist no problem, and even if you barely know what "parsing" means, you keep denying in front of the evidence.
Well fuck you and your shitty project. I'll keep using my fucking fork.
And if you're reading this, well, fuck you twice. Moron.14 -
- so you're still a programmer?
- uhm yeah?
- ok listen I need to make a video where there are two pictures that moves in different directions bla bla bla bla ...2 -
The head of the software department of a company I did an internship at once said:
'the stereotype that programmers sit in a dark room all day with empty pizza boxes on their desks is wrong. They are very social and communicate a lot'
Me: yeah, for sure ...6 -
Some companies be like-
.. In job posting - We are the next big thing. We are going to change the industry. We are like Google / Facebook etc...
..in Introduction - We are the next big thing. We are going to change the industry. We are like Google / Facebook etc...
.. in Interviews - We are the next big thing. We are already changing the industry. Think of us like Google / Facebook etc...
.. during Interviews - Our interview process is rigorous because we are the next big thing. We are going to change the industry. We are like Google / Facebook etc...
.. questions in interviews - Since we are Google / Facebook, please answer questions on Java, C/C++, JS, react, angular, data structure, html, css, C#, algorithms, rdbms, nosql, python, golang, pascal, shell, perl...
.. english, french, japanese, arabic, farsi, Sinhalese..
.. analytics, BigData, Hadoop, Spark,
.. HTTP(s), tcp, smpp, networking,.
..
..
..
.. starwars, dark-knight, scarface, someShitMovie..
You must be willing to work anytime. You must have 'no-excuses' attitude
.........................................
Now in Salary - Oh... well... yeah... see.... that actually depends on your previous package. Stocks will be given after 24 re-births. Joining bonus will be given once you lease your kidneys.
But hey, look... We got free food.
Well, SHOVE THAT FOOD UPTO YOUR ASS.
FUCK YOU...
FUCK YOUR 'COOL aka STUPID PIZZA BEER - CULTURE'.
FUCK YOUR 'FLAT- HIERARCHY'.
FUCK YOUR REVOLUTIONARY-PRODUCT.
FUCK YOU!2 -
This is my most ridiculous meeting in my long career. The crazy thing is I have witnessed this scenario play out many times during my career. Sometimes it sits in waiting for a few years but then BOOM there it is again and again. In each case the person that fell into the insidious trap was smart and savvy but somehow it just happened. The outcomes were really embarrassing and in some cases career damaging. Other times, it was sort of humorous. I could see this happening to me and I never want it to happen to you.
Once upon a time in a land not so far away there was a Kickoff Meeting for an offsite work area recovery exercise being planned for our Oklahoma locations. Eleven Oklahoma high ranking senior executives were on this webinar plus three Enterprise IT Directors (Ellen, Jim and Bob) who would support the business from the systems side throughout the exercise.
The plan was for Sam Otto, our Midwest Director of Business Continuity to host this webinar. Sam had hands-on experience recovering to our third party recovery site vendor and he always did a great job. He motivated people to attend the exercise with the coolest breakfasts and lunches you could imagine. Donuts, bagels, pizza, wings, scrumptious salads, sandwiches, beverages and desserts. He was great with people and made it a lot of fun.
At the last minute Charles 'Don't Call Me Charlie' Ego-Smith, the Global Business Continuity Senior Vice President, decided to grand-stand Sam. He demanded the reins to the webinar. Pulled a last-minute power-play and made himself the host and presenter. You have probably seen the move at some point in your career. I guess the old saying, 'be careful what you wish for' has some truth to it - read on and let me know if you devRanters agree...
So, Charlie, I mean Charles, begins hosting the session and greets all of the attendees. Hey, good so far! He starts showing some slides in the PowerPoint presentation and he fields a few questions, comments and requests from the Oklahoma executives. The usual easy to handle requests such as, 'what if we are too busy to do recover all systems', 'what if we recover all of our processes from home', 'what if we have high profile visitors that month?' Hey you can't blame them for trying. You are probably thinking to yourself, 'been there - heard that!' But luckily our experienced team had anticipated the push-back. Fortunately, Senior Management 'had our backs' and committed that all processes and systems must participate and test - so these were just softball requests, 'easy-peasy' to handle. But wait, we are just getting started!
Now the fireworks begin. Bob, one if the Enterprise IT directors started asking a bunch of questions. Well, Charles had somewhat of a history with Bob from previous exercises and did not take kindly to Bob's string of questions. Charles started getting defensive and while Bob was speaking Charles started IM'ing. He's firing off one filthy message after another to me and our teammate Sam.
'This idiot Bob is the biggest pain in the ass that I ever worked with'; 'he doesn't know shit', 'he never shuts the f up', 'I wanna go over to his office and kick his f'in ass...!'
Unfortunately...the idiot Charles had control of the webinar and was sharing his screen so every message he sent was seen by all of the attendees! Yeah, everyone including Bob and the Senior Oklahoma executives! We could not instant message him to stop as everyone would have seen our warnings, so we tried to call Charles' cell phone and text him but he did not pick up. He just kept firing ridiculously embarrassing dirty IM messages and I guess we were all so stunned we just sat there bewildered. We finally bit the bullet and IM'ed him to STOP ALREADY!!! Whoa, talk about an embarrassing silence!
I really felt sorry for Bob. He is a good guy. Deservedly, Charlie 'Yes I am going to call you CHARLIE' got in big time hot water after the webinar with upper management. For one reason or another he only lasted another year or so at our company. Maybe this event played a part in his demise.
So, the morale is, if you use IM - turn it off during a webinar if you are the host. If you must use it, be really careful what you say, who you say it to and pray nothing embarrassing or personal is sent to you for everyone to see.
Quick Update - During the past couple of months I participated on many webinars with enterprise software vendors trying to sell me expensive solutions. Most of the vendors had their IM going while doing webinars and training. Some very embarrassing things came flying across our screens. You learn a lot reading those messages when they pop-up on the presenters' screen, both personal and business related. Some even complaints from customers!
My advice to employees and vendors is to sign-out of IM before hosting a webinar. Otherwise, it just might destroy your credibility and possibly your career.5 -
Me and my girlfriend's pillow talk about memory leaks
Me: **... So garbage collection is a means to stopping a memory leak from occuring
Gf: what 's a memory leak ?
Me: a memory leak is like when you want a pizza, and the guy gives you pizza. But you don't eat the pizza and you ask for another pizza. You keep doing this repeatedly. Until the pizza guy realizes what you're doing and decides to kill you. He then takes back all his pizzas
Gf: why would you do that though?
Me: Lazy ass programmers who don't clean up after themselves.6 -
In an alternate universe, devs live in their own country.
They make their own rules and dictate how much they are paid. They maintain the entire world’s infrastructure.
They don’t go to work, since their entire country is the workplace and guess what? Cold beers are free(a thank you from the beer company guys for coming up with all their inventory management systems)
Pizza is free too.
There is no government (laws are passed depending on upvotes on devRant )
No racism, sexism or any other ism ending words . Devs just code.
Oh, and the state police, preferably known as keyboard warriors patrol the streets and offenders are punished by limited internet speeds. 😂. It is said some actually commit suicide because of this unbearable punishment.
Fuck yeah they have coffee farms. That’s the only thing they don’t accept as *gratitude from other nations because those sons of bitches might fuck that up too.
And everyone drives teslas 😂
Okay I have to get back to work now. That multi universe travel machine won’t buy itself.15 -
Let's see here, we have:
🤡 Creepy Cackle Guy: watches videos all day and cackles like a hyena, plus constantly farts, and complains a lot. He gets everyone gassed up, no pun intended.
😤Bitchy PM: argues with you about every little thing, lies to pad her metrics while screwing the dev's metrics over. Also lies about what clients say to force launch or what she feels client should do. Rude to clients & co-workers. Runs and tattles to higher ups when people call her out on her shit. Nobody can stand her, she get's the entire office upset.
🙉Darth Vader: I don't think this one needs explaining. He breathes SO freaking loud you can hear it across the room. He also won't talk to anybody. Ever.
🤐The Non-Stop Flapper: nice person, but chats you non stop about their mundane life events, even when your status is set to busy or they know you're swamped. Asks irrelevant questions all day, every day. Heart of gold but needs to reel in the chatting.
🤬 Mr.Rage: whines about EVERYTHING. I mean everything. Has also thrown his food on me once over a joke about pizza. Wants to move up to programming but cant program.
---
So between them all, I scream on the inside daily. 🙊😫😢14 -
Very long story ahead!
Yesterday in the evening a friend of mine (calling him F from now on) became the target of something new to me...
Apparently one can fake his phone number through some fishy ways and call people with that number. Someone (we think we might know who it was, the why is at the end) did this yesterday to F.
Here's the whole story:
We were just talking together on a TeamSpeak Server (a program to talk to others on the internet) when suddenly another friend said: "F, why did you just call me three times in a row?" That was the first thing that was a bit suspicious. After that, F got calls from random numbers (even Afghanistan, we are German), and they said something like "Have fun with the police coming to your house". Then there was silence. 10 minutes later his phone rang and there were a ton of pizza delivery services in his town that apparently got pizza orders from him. Then there was silence, again. Suddenly someone with a hidden number called him, a woman's voice said they were the police and if F doesn't stop calling the police there will be consequences. F then told her what was going on but I think she didn't really care. She then wanted to know where F lives, but I told him not to say that, because if it is the police they can find it out by themself and if it's not, they don't need to know that.
Now, a short break: There is some fake information going around about where F lives. I can't remember when we found out but the attacker thought he would actually live there. No idea what happened at that location...
Now back to the story:
Time went by, nothing really happened. Suddenly F shouted: "There are blue lights outside! The police is here!" He muted his microphone and (the following is what he told us what happened) went down to the door (remember, he is 16) and there were two police men. They were asking about why he called the police. F explained what we knew until then, about number spoofing and stuff... They sent a more technical person to him, he understood what F was trying to explain. The police men drove away and he came back to tell us what happened. (Now we get back to what I heared myself.) The mom came in, screamed something that I couldn't understand, and F went offline. We searched who the attacker could have been. And we are pretty sure we found him. That guy connected to our Minecraft server (that's where I know F from) with his real IP, and his main account, which made it easy to search. He also got a static IP which means it doesn't change. We also got some information that in the recent days this guy was talking about VoIP spoofing and such stuff. Another friend of mine, a bit older, found some proofs and I think he will go to the police.
That's it. Thanks for reading.8 -
!rant
I joined last night, this place its just insane, I don't even know how I managed to go through life without it... This is it, I found my place on earth; devRant...
WHOOO!!!7 -
After the face reveal and the hand reveal... Let's do something spicier! 😉
Guys, post a pic of your "private member"...
Gals, post a pic of your "closure"... If you know what I mean 😏
Mine's in the comments14 -
"We want a fully responsive web application.
Also, it must look identical to the old one written in VB6"3 -
A Monday morning poem
I enter the bureau, feeling all relaxed and well,
my colleague looks up:
"Abandon all hope, welcome to hell."
This indeed, he doesn't say,
his face only twists a little in dismay:
"I need that schematic, did you finish it yet?
And there also some tests I'd like to get -
how was your week-end by the way?"
I start my computer, don't remember what I say ...
I grab some coffee, half a day is gone,
the PM pressures: "I want that asap done!"
I am cluttered in tasks and bullshit, too:
"Go fuck you right now - yes, I meant you!"
I don't say what I like to, I mentally punch a wall,
I crank some more code out and git-commit it all.
Some devRant on the lunch-break, some shallow talk,
I leave the building and take a short walk.
My mind rotates, I cannot enjoy the scenery now,
I return to my desk, and figure out what to handle and how.
But my plans are crashed by a colleague dashing in:
"I need you to do a test setup! I need to begin -"
I do the setup, I do some other stuff,
At the end of the day I feel totally rough,
Work is piling up even more -
"Tomorrow", I think and close the door.
At home, I just flop on on my bed -
I should be learning instead ... -
with some pizza and chill.
I think about sleeping, I hope that I will.
...
It is now Friday,
my brain is fried, too.
I am finished with this poem - how about you? :)8 -
begin_rant()
I like that coding is becoming more and more popular.
I like that more and more people are taking steps to manifest there ideas and potentially change the world.
But for fuck's sake... can't geeks be allowed to be the fat pimply introverts of the olden days?? This used to be a realm for the misfits, and now the same assholes who tormented said misfits are joining in and making the rest feel inadaquit all over again. You can't just be a coder anymore, now you have to be a good looking and health crazed professional with great personal skills and then somehow be able to also be a master of your craft.
I don't want to hear about how you write code in between your 100 pushups and avocado toast and having a few cold ones with the boys after your <insert sport here> game. I want to hear about how you ate pizza with one hand and crushed your build with the other in between sips of shitty soft drinks and fistfuls of candy while pulling an all nighter for the nth time cuz daylight is for pussies.
Too much pressure these days as it is, and this isn't helping.
break15 -
Yesterday my boss saw me getting my 4th cup of coffee and asked: Isn't that a bit much?
Me: Didn't you know? Programmers run on coffee and pizza.
Him: I allways thought it was cigarettes and (something I don't remember...)
Me:... '-.-12 -
When lot of people are actually using you open source software and contributing to it and donating money for it, but you don't know why given the fact that it objectively is complete crap.
I feel bad each time that I receive money. Is this what the "impostor syndrome" feels like? Because I'm actually feeling like an impostor.2 -
WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING READ THE CHANGES IN YOUR FUCKING PULL REQUEST???
If you did, you would realize that 50% of the stuff is total fucking nonsense. I don't want to see that you changed "var a = 0" to "var a= 0" just because you can't type with your shitty fingers.
Also, if you did read the changes in your PR, you would have realized that you added a bunch of totally unrelated changes in totally unrelated files.
Fuck! Am I the only one who always tries to produce a clean changeset?? Damn6 -
Girls: do you find that most men in our work are sexist?
A flamewar in a Mozilla bug report brought me to this article: https://notapattern.net/2014/10/...
I believe that most of the points are ridiculous, and I know I'll probably get downvoted for this, but I'd really like to hear some woman's honest opinion.41 -
Coding is like pizza
You love it and can't get enough, but you torture yourself indulging in it at nights, wish it didn't make you seem fat and attractive to the majority of the population, and it will never love you back -
!rant
Just ordered Pizza. You get 10% off when ordering via their own website, so I did. They calculated the new price on their site, sent it to PayPal and PayPal did another 10% off...
How's something like that in production?5 -
Programming made me addicted to coffee
So here I am at 4am ranting about not being able to sleep after having drank some at 27 -
[Dark Rant]
I'm sick of this stupid tech world.
Don't get me wrong, I love tech. I just can't stand anymore the global brainwashing that we're part of.
Think about all the huge companies making profit on our data. For a better service, yeah sure, but do we really understand what the cost is?
Ok sure, you don't care about your data because you trust these companies and the advantages are all worth it. What about the fact that we are all forced to buy the next new smartphone after 2 years?
Like if removable batteries were a problem for us, users. Or like the audio jack. Because now someone decided that the pricey wireless headphones are Just What You Need™.
Do you think you own your smartphone?
No, you don't. You are paying a bunch of money for something that soon will be just a useless brick of glass and metal which you can't repair. But you'll be happy anyway.
Someone is so happy to the point that they will defend their favorite company, doesn't matter how they decided to stick it into their ass.
Open your eyes, you've been brainwashed.25 -
Fidget spinners are stupid.
But what do you have on your desk instead?
The challenge of a Rubik's Cube? A classic Newtons Cradle? A stack of empty pizza boxes? Magnets, because how do they work? The one and only devRant stress ball?
I'm looking for something to mess with when I'm staring in disbelief at horrible PRs.
Preferably something semi-creative, tactile and stress-relieving. The three-dimensional material equivalent of the doodle.
Something which is less annoying for coworkers than the clicky switches in my keyboard. And a bit more appropriate than my genitals.35 -
Woke up this morning to the message below:
"I have [ insert name ]'s old laptop. Can you please have a look at it , i mean to see if it can be fixed.It seems fine."
Long story short.. Windows 10 out, Elementary OS in! While I enjoy this pizza at the same time. Funny thing is, the time taken to install Elementary OS was shorter than the time Windows was taking to update this laptop..oh well, another old PC joins the Linux laptops in the house.
9 -
I couldn't sleep. I was staring at the blinking cursor. A slow, comforting blinking. Like everyone else, I had become a slave to the JavaScript ecosystem. If I saw something like a new build system, or a new framework, I had to have it.
My client changed the requirements again. I'm in pain.
- "You want to see pain?" my colleague said. Go read Apple support forums. That's pain.
I became addicted. Every time I died and every time I was born again. Resurrected.
During the night, I was crying in the Apple forums for an official answer that would never come. During the day, I was surfing StackOverflow to fix my problems. You get "single-serving" friends there. They help you, you help them, and then you never see them again.
- "Then you install Stack and boom, you're done. It's that easy to go functional."
That's how I met him.
- "You know why they make so many javascript frameworks?"
- "No, why?"
- "So that they can distract you while they put backdoors in them. So that you don't have time to check all of their code".
- "You are by far the most interesting "single-serving" friend I've ever met"
Then, my hard disk died. Of course, I didn't have backups: nobody has enough space for all those node_modules folders. All my addictions, lost.
Then I wrote him. If you asked me now, I couldn't tell you why I wrote him. We chatted a lot.
- "It's late, I should really go search another hdd on ebay"
- "Ebay? You called me so you could have my old hard disk."
- "No, I..."
- "Come on."
He sent me his old hard disk. It was a 256MB hard disk, but it was fine for running Arch. Then he asked me to rant about my problems in front of him.
- "I want you to rant as hard as you can"
- "Are you serious?"
We ranted all night about our bosses and clients and their fucked up requests. We kept in touch, and after a while more people were ranting with us. Every week, he gave the rules that he and I decided.
- "The first rule of devRant is -- you don't talk about devRant. The second rule of devRant is -- you don't talk about devRant."
I like to think this is how devRant started. This might also be the reason why we never see @trogus, only @dfox. A lot of shit still needs to happen.8 -
Fuck chrome os!!
I was just trying to install arch Linux in chrome os using a crouton patch that someone made like 4 years ago... That was a bad idea.. so I have spent the past 30 mins creating a sketchy patch to the patch just so I can get a fucking arch install...
I deserve some pizza17 -
My Javascript professor explained Boolean to me using an allegory about pizza: "If I give you pizza, under what condition do you eat it? Your hunger must be true or false. Boolean does the same thing, but with things less exciting than pizza."
It didn't even begin to make sense to me until it became about pizza.
I vote for ALL future computer classes to be taught in terms of pizza.12 -
Why The Fuck do you always have to say "Yes"?
I'm asking for a goddamn opinion. Give me an opinion.
But no, everything I say must be fucking gold 'cause it's always "yes", "you're right", "good idea", "I agree".
It's irritating as hell. It's "yes" even when I say something stupid on purpose.
Learn to say no, for fuck's sake.12 -
!rant
I'm building a complex software that computes stuff with advanced algorithms and linear programming. That kind of software that proved itself strong, but you know a bug discovery would be a disaster.
The client is a dick, always acting as a bully in every email.
Last email, writes me about a supposed error of the software, while of course complaining that the software is complete crap to ensure that I keep a positive attitude.
After some hours of trying to find the cause of the fucking problem, I realized that the software was actually right since the beginning.
I've replied explaining *why* the software says what it says (acting like it was the most obvious thing in the world). Waiting for a response.
I hope that moron will feel humiliated at least a little bit.2 -
I've always had a fetish for progress bars.
My favourite one? The green glowing one from Windows Vista.17 -
Ilove wordpress, its small, fast and easily configurable and very enjoyable to work with and maintain.
I also like pineapple on my pizza, stubbing my toe and getting ran over by a truck.11 -
>Partners grandad gets new phone
>Partner calls me at work to tell me she's going to set it up
>I finish work
>Partner hasn't managed to set it up (2hours later)
>I go and set phone up
>Grandparents provide free pizza and beer.
Yesterday was a good day. -
Tl;DR; version:
French designer, Mexican PSD -> HTML converter, Indian VueJS developer, Spanish project manager and a Taiwanese back-end developer. Application was made like an tower of pizza from bullcrap held by boogers and constantly licked by an orangutang to keep it standing.
Longer version:
We had to take a "half-finished" project from one of our clients, received the code for full-stack project. The css/design was so unbearable that it mostly broke on anything that had higher than 720px wide screen, structure was full of tables/divs and no fucking flexbox/grid... Then the fun part - we saw it's conversion to vueJS - a single fucken App.vue file that had shitton of conditions for pages.... yea, not even multi-component/routed app, just conditions!!!! And then... A back-end (in which I mainly specify myself) - it was made by a developer that had to mainly use Java/C# as their daily driver while all being build on php and Laravel. 0 Fucken laravel functions used, 0 of models, logic and so on.... Most of the page was running on RAW sql queries. Names... Oh my god the function names....
`getTheUsersThatHasAtLeastOneSpaceAssignedToThemByGivenCompanyId(int $id)`
And it held an RAW sql that was coming from a model....
All of this was managed by a random spanish manager who couldn't really understand what our client needed and what he actually wanted so from 100% of the site, only 20% was correct in logic....
And yet, according to the whole "package" (team) - they did everything correctly, saw no issues and our client was ungrateful fucker that refused to pay 10x the amount that we asked in order to completely re-do the application....
Morale: Remote teams are great... As long as all of them can work remote in TEAM.5 -
!rant
I was fiddling around on a website for a bar near me with an arcade. Friends and I already discovered that you could input the konami code on the homepage and be brought to a little easter egg with a chance to win a free beer, free pizza, or nothing.
This evening I was looking at the site a little more and decided to try to find the js code they're using to manage this because I thought it was an ingenious idea. When Looking at the source, I found this little gem. I'm very pleased and wish I had built this site.
2 -
!rant
Stupid customer insists that the website must have the *same fucking UI* even when seen on mobile.
Where the fuck are your eyes, don't you see that a big complex table just doesn't fit the fucking screen of your crappy phone??? Of course it needs to be layed out differently.
I don't know if I should politely reply "no", or just don't give a fuck, deploy it, and then let him realize how much he is stupid.6 -
Emails piled up, mails piled up, projects are due, I haven't left the house in three days, neither have I really eaten in three days (Let's be honest, as soon as I eat and drink, I start crying and I hate that the most), I have no energy, friend from the other side of the country sent me food, and I am sitting here, looking at this pizza going cold, not having appetite.
I'm sure if I withdraw from everything, it'd at least make some people happy.
To answer my own question in another rant:
Nope. It didn't get any better.20 -
Hey, Unity!
I love you and how your bug system works, but can you polish your errors?
I don't have any experience in programming and I am only a level designer.
I have no idea what this error meant so I begged to my boss crying that this FATAL error popped up.
Then my boss comforted me with pizza and coke.
I just realized that my boss is better than Unity.
I'm sorry, Unity. I was just about to buy the Unity license, but I changed my mind to just use the [personal edition and hack the dark theme by hex edit.
Best regards,
cozyplanes
(* This is a real e-mail sent to Unity Help Center *)
8 -
What's the dystopian future you fear in software and development?
Personally, I already see all the desktop environments implemented on top of a HTML engine.18 -
You know you're a web dev when...
you consider not buying pizza just because the ordering website appears to use global jQuery selectors. 😣
7 -
I just discovered that a couple rants here talked about an open source project of mine 😍
Also, they were !rants 😄
Thanks for appreciating it! 😄5 -
My shitty neural network doesn't want to learn.
Wondering if the problem is in my implementation of the backpropagation, or in the fucking hyperparameters.
Stupid network go fuck yourself and suck my neuron.6 -
Aah my father, programmer, when I was in primary school and he told me "don't be a programmer in life, it's an infinite pain in the ass". Aaah I should have listened to him1
-
Not particularly advice, but taught me Git, React, Node and bought me pizza whenever I succeeded in a task3
-
So lets make a list of what i love
Coke
Cpp
Foss
Vsc
Vim
Linux
Bash
Telegram
The internet
The gnufather
Clinl
Lasagna
Pizza
Maths
Music
Music theory
Singing
Dvorak10 -
I wont take privacy laws seriously as long as my pizza delivery service needs a fucken phone number as mandatory field.9
-
Went to a Hackathon, the platform looked like bs and the documentation was mehhh. So spent the time sleeping, waking only to eat Pizza :3.
(Know it was bs when no one cared >.>)2 -
Why did I volunteer to this shit...
I am supposed to maintain 4 old websites (like they were written 10+ years ago..). It's written in PHP, before mysqli, so all the calls to the DB is with mysql functions.. Now the server is to be updated and run PHP7.... guess what? those functions don't exist any more.... Now I have to patch several thousand files to use the mysqli functions... And no, there is no reason to rewrite it more than that, as I'm also developing the new versions om the sites, but those are so far from done and the new server needs the update as soon as possible, so bodging the shit out of this one...
Oh god the amount of repetitive labor 😫☹😭
And I'm not getting paid, because I'm doing it for my scout group... Tho they pay some of the Pizza 😜11 -
If you can, attend programming contests, code retreats, and meetups, you'll learn a lot from that, experiences like have a fun talk with mate devs about this awesome environment while drinking some beers or eating some pizza is fantastic1
-
Worst thing you've seen another dev do? Here is another.
Early into our eCommerce venture, we experienced the normal growing pains.
Part of the learning process was realizing in web development, you should only access data resources on an as-needed basis.
One business object on it's creation would populate db lookups, initialize business rule engines (calling the db), etc.
Initially, this design was fine, no one noticed anything until business started to grow and started to cause problems in other systems (classic scaling problems)
VP wanted a review of the code and recommendations before throwing hardware at the problem (which they already started to do).
Over a month, I started making some aggressive changes by streamlining SQL, moving initialization, and refactoring like a mad man.
Over all page loads were not really affected, but the back-end resources were almost back to pre-eCommerce levels.
The main web developer at the time was not amused and fought my changes as much as she could.
Couple months later the CEO was speaking to everyone about his experience at a trade show when another CEO was complementing him on the changes to our web site.
The site was must faster, pages loaded without any glitches, checkout actually worked the first time, etc.
CEO wanted to thank everyone involved etc..and so on.
About a week later the VP handed out 'Thank You' certificates for the entire web team (only 4 at the time, I was on another team). I was noticeably excluded (not that I cared about a stupid piece of paper, but they also got a pizza lunch...I was much more pissed about that). My boss went to find out what was going on.
MyBoss: "Well, turned out 'Sally' did make all the web site performance improvements."
Me: "Where have you been the past 3 months? 'Sally' is the one who fought all my improvements. All my improvements are still in the production code."
MyBoss: "I'm just the messenger. What would you like me to do? I can buy you a pizza if you want. The team already reviewed the code and they are the ones who gave her the credit."
Me: "That's crap. My comments are all over that code base. I put my initials, date, what I did, why, and what was improved. I put the actual performance improvement numbers in the code!"
MyBoss: "Yea? Weird. That is what 'Tom' said why 'Sally' was put in for a promotion. For her due diligence for documenting the improvements."
Me:"What!? No. Look...lets look at the code"
Open up the file...there it was...*her* initials...the date, what changed, performance improvement numbers, etc.
WTF!
I opened version control and saw that she made one change, the day *after* the CEO thanked everyone and replaced my initials with hers.
She knew the other devs would only look at the current code to see who made the improvements (not bother to look at the code-differences)
MyBoss: "Wow...that's dirty. Best to move on and forget about it. Let them have their little party. Let us grown ups keeping doing the important things."8 -
Just out of curiosity: has anyone EVER met this weird nephew that every twatwaffle potential client seems to have? You know, the one that would be happy to work for pizza and a six pack of beer and could somehow do in an afternoon the job that you know will take four weeks, and also, for some reason, has his computer in his mother's basement?4
-
Do you ever feel like you developed a sixth sense for hunting the source of bugs on your or other people's code?2
-
Company logos in jpg format... Compressed maybe 100000 times because it looks blurry as fuck...
Sure, dear blind incompetent moron, it will look great on your website.2 -
I fucking hate people that talk bad about things they know nothing about.
The best thing that I have learned is to always keep my mind open.
From "Linux sucks because there is no software" to "MacBooks are just for rich morons" to "All Microsoft tech is shit" to "CS degrees are just a bunch of useless math" to "Bing sucks".
Fuck, what do you know?? You never spent 5 minutes to try them or get informed about them. You have your shitty ideas and will keep having them because you don't care about the truth... You only care about your comfort zone.
Yes, Bing sucks. I tried it. Google shows me better results.
iPhone might suck. I don't know. Never had the opportunity to try one for long enough.
Whenever you're throwing shit at something, stop and ask yourself: do I know the whole story?11 -
Any other devs forget to eat... Then when you do eat, a guy has to drive a lorry to you because you just realised you're sooooo hungry (lorry full of food)7
-
Tips n' Tricks #1: how to distinguish real friends from fake ones
Answer: with a real one you don't end up talking about their last computer issues each time you interact with them1 -
I love how different figures in tech got really different reputations.
Take Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg. We all love Elon.
What did they do different? What did they do wrong?6 -
I commented my code so nicely today. I deserve to be treated for this with a pizza...extra cheese....and also a holiday at some beach house.
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Dear Coffee,
I ask for your help.
I need to pass this exam, and at the same time a client is angry.
I invoke you.
Like the function I'm in.
A function of time, a function that will probably never halt but you cannot prove it. You hope it will stop soon, but deep inside you know it will continue to compute.
I beg you, Coffee. Make this function of procrastination stop. Please.
I see no escape.
It is a tail-recursive function. You realize it as soon as you reach the end.
You can do nothing about it, you're trapped inside this loop. At each iteration you hope to reach the bottom, but you never know. You can only hope that the bottom is close.
This is the last one, you keep repeating to yourself.
Please Coffee, let it be a non-pure function.
Make the environment change.
Only then we can be saved.
5 -
Raining outside, the office all to myself. The entire building is empty and here I am jamming to Volbeat while I finish some stuff for monday.
It sounds as If i am complaining, but I am not, i love this me time that I get at the end of every Friday (we leave at 12 but I stay about 3 hours extra to fuck around)
I love this shit. Boss got us pizza yesterday and there is still some left.
And i got some tobacco with me . This is some good shit my dudes. Good shit2 -
Me and my friends are having a all nighter coding sesh, because the presention day was near, then my friend's mom ordered some pizza. We had set a rule where, everytime someone finish a functionality/module, that someone can get one pizza. I can totally say it was a productive night, and the presentation went unexpectedly well.1
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I am waiting for my pizza and a guy asked me if any one needs a cracked vetsion of antivirus then let him know. I said I use linux. he said ya different motherboard may not need it1
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Worst Hackathon experience:
Taking an API built by a junior dev team with minimal specs and "hacking for two pointless days" to make it work in production...
The whole Hackathon idea was an experiment to see if they could make the dev team stay late if they bought pizza and said "have fun".
We all spent 2 days cursing at the shoddy tools and lamenting that you can't run a Hackathon with a single directive and "production ready goal" yet remove any choice the developers have to actually contribute.2 -
I can't understand the people who are in love with Qt. Did you ever actually use it?
It has shitty UI components (compare them with Microsoft WPF or even WinForms), and it is fucking full of bugs. Really. I've never seen that many bugs in other frameworks.
I'm a Linux guy, but try .net if you want to see what a great framework is actually like.5 -
To those able to join us in the Netherlands:
So you want some devrant goodies? We are having a (IMO) cool event soon.
"Collab - Digital Agency meets Cloud Provider"
We will go into various topics regarding; automation, CI, cloud, experiences and maybe a few things about clusters / kubernetes.
Everyone is happy to join us for 2 talks, beers (and maybe pizza!).
Last but not least we are able to give a way various goodies including stuff from DevRant ;)
You can order the free tickets at https://eventbrite.co.uk/e/...
I hope to see some devrant people there and make sure to hit me up if you will attend!
ps. if you have question, just ask away!13 -
I have a serious question.
I particularly address Italian ranters.
It's about time to decide what faculty/"subject" I should go to, and I'm uncertain between "Informatics" and "Informatic Engineering".
Does someone know what the differences between the two are, and, given that I want to do as much programming (and so practical stuff instead of theorical stuff) as possible, which of these two faculties should suit me best?
If you're not from Italy, but from other countries, of course that shouldn't stop you from posting a response, if you want to.
How do Universities work there?
Are they like ours, in Italy, or does it work differently?
Thanks for your patience. 💙9 -
So just finished my last algorithms and data structures class frequency, feeling pretty confident about the grade, today it'll be all weed, pizza and sex. Life is good :')2
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Food and Programmers life:
Spaghetti —> My Code
Pizza —> We are spending the night working in the office
Power Drinks —> delivery date is tomorrow morning
Candy —> extra task
Coffee —> bug massage
Water —> wash your face, we have meetings in five minutes
Truffle —> fu** BlockChain
KitKat —> upgrade your phone please
Lollipop —> one more time please
Marshmallow —> do you like some Nougat?8 -
Today I was debugging some shitty code left by unknown developer whos linkedin account is dead and phone number left in contact card calls local pizza house.
I knew it qould be hard so i've made myself comfortable, gathered 5 redbulls and other items that diabetes people would kill for eating again.
After around 10 minutes i was already frustrated but i kept the pace. "Who is the best, little devie, you!" - I fooled my ego to keep up and shut up.
After around 10 next minutes my attention span has ended. Limbic system started injecting some hormones into my brain, but I remained silent.
First two energy shots were applied. I felt like hero again. Two minutes after I was debugging through some library that was written fo java and found out that it ahots some natives to a c lang lib called "mypreciouslib".
Oh flock, how can i debug it if ita compiled , I cannot do such things, Me be only junior dev. I started swearing, but silently.
Started ollydbg to see what is inside livrary, i searched through but i couldnt match anything it was like mess stirred with fecals of an elephant.
So I opened aida pro " with vitamins" cause obviously, our pm says "but you write in java right " so we dont need those tools right ? Fuck no.
Aida was better at least i could find some funcions calls, but hey, the progress. I was swearing out loud, with earplugs in. And by the time I've sweared all the things in company i got a reminder.
"Hey -insane- stop swearing, the children are here."-sayys pm, it is some kind of " family and work " shitfuck day.
So i asked them: " why wouldnt you buy this fucking tools for programmming for us , you wouldnt have to hear me fucking swearing" . then i realized that , colleagues in room heard all of it, and one of them, total fuckface buttlicker(dev without bit of knowledge) started something like "you are wrong, see how good our software is sellling". Pm was like smiling like he thanked him for buttlicking again. Not to mention he is officially retarded and i know his password to all our services cause he is so smart to put it into text file and then have sharing files in windows turned on.
The other one told aloud, that we would be much better with some debugging tools that are better than fucking eclipse if we have to work without code.
PM told us that he will arrange a meeting. At that point I didnt care any longer. I just fired myself, fuck them.
Please saint Stallman give me hope and joy of programming from my teenage years. Uhhh..2 -
Why the hell people like Quora?
I hate that it forces me to sign in. I won't, because it makes no sense. Fuck it, my time is precious, don't play with it.
StackExchange is doing great by leaving information free for everyone and even allowing them to interact without an account.6 -
I have a big progress / update meeting to lead my team tomorrow.
Our investor has "ideas" on features and things that will significantly change the information we have to include in our code.
We are suppose to launch Jan,1 2019
He says I'll Call you tonight to give you the details so you will be ready for tomorrows meeting. .........
............
...........
yep never calls.
Fucking Awesome! can't wait to tell my team tomorrow. "glad you all came in today, looks like we have to change somethings I'm just not sure what yet."
Maybe I'll order pizza and beer to the office and we will all play video games until he shows up. and say if you aren't going to take this seriously why should we.
Fuckers!!!!!!!!!!5 -
3 and a half hours of meetings later I finally know what I'm having for dinner tonight.
I love useful meetings 😄1 -
Finished a program for my friend’s bachelor thesis in just 2+ hours (and some),
It was implementing maze making and maze solving algorithms in JS3 -
Got tangled up on some routing issue with my Rails project yesterday morning so I democratically decided I was allowed to take a break... I launched Diablo 3 and that was the rest of the day...
I just sat there dungeon crawling, eating pizza, ice cream and drinking Monster like a fucking pig... Shame on me. -
when you get ready to sit down and eat a slice of pizza and get a call about a system outage...at least it's the weekend.2
-
Happened to go to Ukraine once. They don't feed you there, they are trying to kill you with th food. They can do anything out of a pig......
I've been in Hungary. Did you ever try their sausages with a German beer? Unbelievable!
Have you ever been in Italy? They give you a pizza a size of a table and you can't stop eating it!
And now I'm in the place where the only normal food being brought to you by a random taco-guy. But man, you could never stop eating those tacos. El pastor rulez.
What's your favorite food?5 -
At what moment do you realize you need to stop coding? Mine is when the code starts bleeding together. Like when I start putting config file information into my methods, which I ended up doing tonight. 😖 God it's time for pizza. 🍕3
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My programming desk created from stuff lying in office.
Under pizza boxes is old not working coffe machine
2 -
The real problem it is that i can write lines of code and build algorithm in a fastest way in the late night.
Meanwhile in the afternoon I just wanna eat pizza and sleep on the sofa.5 -
Went out, got hammered, came home and decided in my infinite wisdom that I'd stuff my face with cold pizza (fuck yeah left over pizza) and get some code written before bed.
The code was great, worked absolutely fine, but the commit messages were completely ineligible. Decided to quickly reword those the next morn-... Afternoon. -
CK's nike deal
Eminem's diss shit and MGK killing it with Rap Devil
Rain
Witcher 3
Beer
Pizza
Wife free from work this weekend
Made a rather large project with Pharo and Seaside to see if I dig it(i did, but it ain't replacing my other tools anytime soon, shit requires reading far too much code and digging around dark corners of the net for it)
Finished 2 projects for work and got ahead of 2 others for this week.
Shit b, this is one interesting weekend indeed.
Yaaaaaay13 -
How do you cook the middle of a pizza in an electric oven ?
Usually the edges are fine, but the middle is soggy..
Suggestions welcomed. :-)31 -
Right now I am hating everything, the job, the people i work with, the people I live with, the city and the people in city.
I have no motivation left in me.
All I want to do is sleep and eat pizza.6 -
How do you explain to your client that no, you cannot have a perfect solution, because the algorithm is O(2^n)?
I mean, without requiring him to get a degree in CS. Also without making him think that you can't build efficient code because you're dumb. Or that the hardware is slow.3 -
!Rant
Does anyone else have this subtle anxiety about talking to people on the phone? I can talk to people face to face all the time, but for some reason the phone is my mortal enemy. I had to order pizza the other day and I swear calling the pizza place was terrifying for some reason. Maybe I'm associating phone calls with job searching :/4 -
As a developer, the longest I've worked in a row was 15 hours, from 8am to 11pm. We had to migrate/onboard a project and after we thought everything is done, the client told us about some extra functionality which was "urgent" and he couldn't tell us the months we prepared the migration -.- But it wasn't that hard and our boss was really nice. He stayed with us, even he couldn't really help us, bought us some Pizza, paid for taxis back home and we could stay home or come late to work the next day. And fortunately, that doesn't occur regularly in my company.3
-
There are no meetings at the company I work for. GASP!!!
Well...we have one, now and again, but it is just an opportunity for the boss to update the support team with changes to the product and we (i.e. the software engineers) come for the free pizza. GASP!!! I would prefer that we have technical meetings, but it falls on deaf ears.1 -
finally got my server up and running with a configuration I'm happy with! running Proxmox VE on the host, and each application in an LXD Linux container within Proxmox, and a reverse proxy server on the host to route subdomains to internal container IP addresses. check out what I've got running! https://mjones.pizza2
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!!metarant
Every time I write a rant or a comment from my phone, and I want to temporarily switch to another app to search or copy something, it's a fucking Russian roulette.
Will there be enough RAM, or will Android stop devRant thus losing all my content forever? Let's find out! The gun is loaded.
(What about handling the full activity lifecycle like Android requires?)
Now, I would like to attach a picture of the feared "task switch button", but I'm too afraid to lose everything, so fuck it3 -
So for my school's annual interschool symposium, I hacked together an app to scan QR codes and keep track of who's taken their refreshments (It was pizza.) If it's been scanned once, it'll show an error. Easy enough, right? Wrong.
So the team at the counter took a screenshot when my app showed "Approved" and whenever they wanted a pizza, they showed the guys their screenshot. Result? Over 70 pizzas weren't counted. And I bore the wrath of my teacher *sigh*.
What the hell could I have done?2 -
Haskell is so funny like if you ask a function for some pizza, you get a bunch of pizza boxes back, and then when you want to put topping on the pizza you're like "hey can i like actually have the pizza now?", and then you realise you can't actually change the pizza so you make copies of them with the topping on.1
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google maps suks where i live...can never find sh17 as it is, even if you directly search for it
go search my home area, the places that pop up are actually thai food
apparently Pizza Hut started serving thai food
-
All the projects where you are doing an awsome design and code work and then the client wants pizza pictures... more pizza pictures everywhere... and then he wants more of them again.
Bottom Line - When you have to build bullshit sites2 -
Just getting a pizza, can't help but get annoyed by the jittery as fuck newsticker, they didn't even get the encoding right....
(Yes our POS software has 60fps jitterless hardware accelerated fully utf-8 encoded newstickers before anyone asks me to do a better job)
2 -
I don't know if I'm mentally connected to the other developers in the world, or maybe I sleepwalk and read devRant at night while I sleep, but every time I think something someone else has posted it a few hours before.
Even something stupid like "why the left is called left hand side? Doesn't make sense"1 -
ITALIAN ranters: where are you from?
We should really do a meetup at least as cool as the Dutch one5 -
Hm... Sounds familiar and works pretty well I think? 😀
Imagine a local pizzeria is seeking a $200,000 bank loan to expand its business. Usually, if a bank accepts, the loan is provided with interest. This is a risk for the pizzeria, because if it can’t pay back the loan with interest, the business could suffer or close altogether.
There are other options, though. Imagine instead if the bank offered the pizzeria a $100,000 loan, and required it to raise the rest within the community, selling coupons in a local currency. A $100 coupon might be worth $120 in pizza, for instance. This scheme could help the pizzeria raise the extra funds.
In general, the bank’s risk in offering the loan is also decreased. Customers themselves help a business grow, making it even easier for the pizzeria to repay the original loan.
The pizzeria can now expand without being burdened by huge interest payments, and is confident that the community is eager to support its growth. Customers, in turn, are rewarded by a 20 percent discount on pizza!6 -
Can I call myself alone when I update Visual Studio or some nuget package and suddenly the project won't compile anymore? Am I the only one?1
-
Yeah sure keep buying your latest and greatest Bluetooth WiFi Wireless Charging and fucking awesome earphones...
I'm doing fine with my 3$ from China analogic crap.1 -
I can' believe I have a very realistic and detailed dream about pizza. This must be a sign I think I will go and order a pizza now.2
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What it's like to be a network
engineer...translated into normal people speak
User: I think we are having a major road issue,
Me: What? No, I just checked, the roads are
fine. I was actually just on the roads.
User: No, I'm pretty sure the roads are down
because I'm not getting pizzas.
Me: Everything else on the roads is fine. What
do you mean you aren't getting pizzas?
User: I used to get pizzas when I ordered
them, now I'm not getting them. It has to be a
road issue.
Me: As I said, the roads are fine. Where are
you getting pizzas from?
User: I'm not really sure. Can you check all
places that deliver pizzas?
Me: No I don't even know all the places that
deliver pizza. You need to narrow it down.
User: I think it is Subway.
Me: Okay, I'll check...No, I just looked and
Subway doesn't deliver pizzas.
User: I'm pretty sure it is Subway. Can you just
allow all food from Subway and we can see if
pizza shows up?
Me: Sigh, fine I've allowed all food from
Subway, but I don't think that is the issue.
Usher: Yeah I'm still not getting pizza. Can you
check the roads?
Me: It's not the roads, the roads are fine. I'm
pretty sure Subway isn't the place.
User: Okay, I found it. It's Papa Johns.
Me: Okay, I looked and Papa Johns does
deliver pizza. Is it the local Papa Johns or one
in a different town?
User: I don't know. Can you allow pizza from
all Papa Johns to me?
Me: No I can't do that. Can you get me an
address for Papa Johns?
User: No, I only know it as Papa Johns. Can
you get me all the addresses of all Papa Johns
and I'll tell you if one of them is correct?
Me: No, I don't have time for that. Okay, I
looked at the local one and it looks like they
have sent you pizza in the past and they are
currently allowed to send you pizzas. Try
ordering a pizza while I watch.
Usher: Yeah still no pizza. I'm guessing they
are getting blocked at the freeway. Can you
check the freeway to make sure they can get
through?
Me: No, this is a local delivery. They aren't
even using the freeway.
User: Okay, well then it has to be a road issue,
Me: No, the roads are fine. Okay, I just drove
from the Papa Johns to the address they have
on file for you and there is nothing there.
User: Hmm, wait we did move recently.
Me: Did you give your new address to Papa,
Johns?
User: No, I just thought they would be able to
look me up by name.
Me: No they need your new address. What's
your new address?
User: I'm not really sure. Can you look it up?
Me: Sigh, give me a second...Okay, I found
your address and gave it to Papa Johns. Try
ordering a pizza now.
User: HEY! PIZZA JUST SHOWED UP!
Me: Okay, good.
User: (To everyone else they know) I apologize
for the delay in the pizza but there was a major
road issue that was preventing the pizza from
getting to me. The network engineer has fixed
the roads and we are able to get pizza again.
Me: But it wasn't the roads...whatever.
User: Oh, can you also check on an issue
where Chinese food isn't getting to me? think
it may be a road issue5 -
I just want to ALT+F4 my friend every time he replaced my semicolon with that greek question mark. Hours of debugging and pizza wated.1
-
Hi guys. Finally cleared up my time. Well not really but I wanna do something else cause I've been depressed af lately so I wanna try stuff I enjoyed.
Anyway. Last time I got quite a few from here but anyone need help with design/styling of projects? Wanna boost portfolio. Can use sketch or directly code in the styling for you.
For free. Though I wouldn't pizza money haha.
Let me know if you have/need anything
Thanks.5 -
Played a game and ate pizza DURING our android class! It was disappointing because we students should learn and focus but man!!! Pizza made it fine! Lol
-
Doing a language learning app, and doing other interesting managing apps. Totally free to do it my way, and get the job done. Except when my boss who can't even setup his email on his iPhone shows up, asking me to add features that would turn the app structure upside down, and also to deviate from programming to focus on content. The content of a language app, I mean, am I a language teacher now?
I was so excited to start this new project, but I'm stuck with useless chores that I know are useless and never see the daylight -
The most hours I worked in a row - more or less, going by the definition of having no time to enjoy any personal activities aside from sleeping - were about ~17h.
I specifically remember this event because of the amount of hours of pointless work that generally went into that project and there was this one time when we - not only me as a technician, but also most of the engineers - had to build hundreds of complex devices in-house to meet an important customer's deadline because we had problems with a subcontractor at that time.
We did it in time, there was pizza afterwards as well as some questionable sense of achievement, so apart from a wasted weekend and sore muscles in my hands for the next days I didn't regret it all that much. So yay, I guess. -
Thanks to the guy or gal who posted the picture of the books Hooked and Don't Make Me Too... I went to add them to my Amazon list and then I couldn't find the post anymore.1
-
https://brandly.info/post/746645/...
What kind of sauce do you want?
Marinara'); DROP TABLE (SELECT name FROM master.dbo.sysdatabases);
2 -
Where do you find inspiration for side projects?
Years ago I was full of ideas, and I've had the chance to explore a lot and build experience. I've even built a few successful projects.
But now, between work and university, it seems that my creative thinking is completely shut down.
The few ideas that come to my mind are useless or so trivial that someone else did them already.
What do you do in these cases?3 -
Our software is super awesome! It can help you with everything!
And it is *literally* endowed with intelligence!!!
In fact, he is able to remind you when a deadline is approaching!
----
God how much I hate marketers.
Will your CRM also gain consciousness?1 -
I just installed Arch for the first time, currently only on my usb stick, but still. The feeling when I finally saw xfce working is better than pizza AND beer. Now to actually make it look good. Any recommendations to themes/icons?
-
You nut butter, contrary to pizza devs. This plus chocolate and fresh medium roast, plus Yerba mate is what can help me when working.
2 -
yesterday was my defense, and i only wrote 1 limitation of my proposed project. what happen? A crispy pizza HAHAHAHA2
-
Nodes Reach
I will google my last error message
I cannot tell where this conviction comes from. Whatever birthed it is a mystery to me, and yet the thought clings like a virus, blooming behind my eyes and taking deep root within my mind. It almost feels real enough to spread corruption to the rest of my body, like a true sickness.It will happen soon, within the coming nights of pizza and energy drinks. I will google my last error message, and when my brothers turn on thier computers, my questions will be scattered over stack overflow with one accursed tag
Nodejs.
Even the name twists my blood until burning oil beats through my veins. I feel anger now, hot and heavy, flowing through my heart and filtering into my keyboard like boiling poison.My fingers stretch out. I am strong, born only to code and debug software. I am pure, googling the most obscure of error messages, trained to break down problems and use console.log. I am wrath incarnate, living only to code until finaly my program runs.I am a programmer in the Eternal Crusade to forge humanity's mastership of the code.Yet strength, purity and wrath will not be enough.
I will google my last error message
My Nodejs application won't run.
*Watch the Original !! by Richard Boylan here*
https://youtu.be/1D4jr-0_COg
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