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Turns out: Pearson VUE is bad at communication. After I reserved the Microsoft certification exam, it was adjusted with my accommodations. So I didn't entirely die (only a little) and was allowed to have my life saving fidget 'toys' with me and just be myself with my stims.
So after all that hassle, I am now certified Azure developer associate. \o/
Looks good on paper, doesn't solve the problem of getting through the project interviews. (To normies, I seem ever so slightly off and the natural instinct is to perceive me as a liar.)
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certified-azure-person