Fuck my life...

Okay, so I’m working on a web app with a small group... the app is basically a lead generator for new business in another country. We just need contact details cause they’re a fucker to buy.

Step 1: prototype to the investors, working with the ceo to make this thing look shiny AF.

Goes well as fuck.

CEO: “when can we get this out?”

Me: “it’s basically done mate, get your guys to look at it and we can talk about marketing”

Que a shower of 10 or so bellends with senior in their title going into a room and coming out with:

Bellends: “so on this page we want the user to confirm and accept the contract”

Me: “cool, makes some sense, that’s what it’s already doing.”

Bellends: “afterwards we want to show them the price and have them put in their banking details.”

Me: “Wait, you what when?”

Bellends: “Yeah, well Jenny says we should have as few clicks as possible to get to the final stage and have the customer accept.”

Me: “Jenny’s on fucking crack, moving the contract formation phase to after the contract acceptance stage is not an option”

Bellends: “Oh it’s okay, Andy in legal said that would be okay”

Me: “Andy’s a fucking moron, tell him that online contract formation laws were updated 2014/2015 and you can’t do that anymore”

Bellends: “No, andy’s legal, surely he knows”

Bellends: “We want all of this above the fold”

Me: “OH FUCKING SUCK A DICK YOU ABSOLUTE BAND OF FUCKWADS... which one of you, which one hasn’t looked at a website this millennia!?”

Needless to say I ignored all their shit, got the lead generator out and told the CEO those ten people are certifiably fucking useless.

Bonus round; recent, but “it has to be on internal infrastructure”

“Why? It’s a mobile app sending rest calls to a third party saas.”

“It just has to, we have this thing called the private cloud and w”

“Wait... you what son, priv 🀦🏼‍♂️ private what mate?”

“Private cloud”

“You... you mean a server rack?”

“Nah we spent £2mn on it, it’s brilliant”

“Hahahaha you fucking dick, you blew £2mn on server infra with fuckall to put on it!?”

“No, no it’s the private cloud”

“Fucking idiot, aye son, where’s the fucking bean stalk you prick!?”

“It has to go on internal infr”

“Shut up, that won’t work”

  • 10
    Damn that narration! kept the smile in my face till the end. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
  • 6
    I love your rants! Fucking brilliant!
  • 6
    @htlr hahahah I’m glad you enjoyed it son.

    For some reason your username reminded me of the “Ctrl” key. I could use a keyboard with a “htlr” key.

    So here’s the premise in my head: I get an email not too unlike the stupid requests above... just bosh that “htlr” key and I don’t get emails from that user again. No questions asked.

    @PonySlaystation thank you! Glad you enjoyed it man!
  • 3
    @jamescodesthing Now thats Innovation!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
  • 5
    but that private cloud is amazing! you should buy one for your self mate
  • 0
    @Bitwise just got it today boss! Thanks for asking πŸ˜„ gonna be working for a company I’m really excited to work for... in up to the minute fun stuff, that I’m good at πŸ˜„
  • 1
    @gitpush don’t worry about the sarcasm tag boss, everyone here will know πŸ˜‚

    honestly when I’ve mentioned it to people they’ve been all “you what!?” And my response is always “THANK YOU!”
  • 1
    @htlr hahah gonna hook up a macro and replace my Ctrl key πŸ˜‚
  • 1
    @jamescodesthing hahaha no wonder why πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Add Comment